SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 7:01am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Devil in D Minor Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 6 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Devil in D Minor  (currently 17081 views)
Breanne Mattson
Posted: December 22nd, 2006, 2:23am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
Slap,

Thanks for the read. I appreciate it.



Mafiadom,

Thanks for checking it out. If you don’t care for it by page fifteen, you’re probably not going to like it. I would suggest you stop reading and not waste anymore time on it. It’s really just something you either like or you don’t. It’s just sort of one of those “is what it is” type of scripts. I appreciate the effort, though.



Brea




Logged
Private Message Reply: 90 - 108
DDP
Posted: January 26th, 2007, 12:01am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
68
Posts Per Day
0.01
I must admit that the title to this story is what is making me really want to read it.  

Is the version on the first page your current draft?
Logged
Private Message Reply: 91 - 108
Breanne Mattson
Posted: February 1st, 2007, 2:23am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20

Quoted from DDP
Is the version on the first page your current draft?


Hi DDP. Yes, the version here is the most recent.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 92 - 108
George Willson
Posted: March 21st, 2007, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
3591
Posts Per Day
0.51
POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Well, how do I begin? I thoroughly enjoyed it, that's for sure. I liek it when stories depart from the realm of normal reality and enter something completely different where anything can logically happen. (That's one reason I like the Nightmare on Elm Street series with all its shortcomings.) I read through all the other comments on this thread...yes, all of them. And I admit that I didn't fully understand the story on my first read through, but in all honesty, that's perfectly fine. I like it when stories don't deliver the goods to you on a single viewing. I'm still trying to sort out Mulholland Drive.

I had no issues with Trevor and Julia being in the story. They delivered a measure of innocence to your insanity, and really served the purpose you indicated of showing what was REALLY going on through the eyes of normal people. I did gather the symbolism of Yellow Eyes' magic show, though I was admittedly thrown off in your third act in the hospital when they said "you haven't killed anyone yet" especially when I thought he just did.

The hallucinations were incredible. I got a kick out of everything slowly melting down. Rachel's early hallucination was just wild in regards to her being a superhero and the whole grasshopper bit. I liked the characters and their backstories (weird as they may be). The torture bits were a little extreme, but they fit Yellow Eyes' character.

You've explained a lot of the story and symbolism in this thread, and I can understand the explanations in relation to what I'd previously in your script. It's all very well done, and you've definitely got something to be proud of.

I did find Julia's line about the baby to be a bit out of place given the prior conversation, but it is possible the visual of her belly with this comment would help that problem, though the rewording of her taking possession of the baby couldn't hurt either.

Part of me desires clarity in the final scenes, but another part is fine with it the way it is because of the intent behind it. I sort of want a final scene to clarify where reality is, but I sort of don't because of the conversational factor of the ambiguity. I think it's ultimately something I'd have to read several times to even determine IF there's a problem with the overall narrative much less make any kind of suggestion to correct it.

I think you did a great job on a script that definitely has some potential to be a cult piece with a huge, yet low key, following to it. I can see it being preferred by other filmmakers as opposed to the general public since filmmakers are a freakish sort of people who prefer strange and different (even if they don't get it -- actually, it's more like ESPECIALLY if they don't get it) kind of film to the standard, easy to follow fare we're used to. Again, well done.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 93 - 108
Breanne Mattson
Posted: May 23rd, 2007, 1:21am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
George,

Thank you so much for reading this. I think you’re a very talented writer and your opinion is very valuable to me.

Yes, it’s very strange, I know. The truth is that it virtually wrote itself - a phenomenon I’ve neither experienced before nor after writing this in quite the same way. It simply began to unfold before me one day and I found myself consumed with it and unable to concentrate on anything else as it seemed to unfold on its own.


Quoted from George Willson
…I was admittedly thrown off in your third act in the hospital when they said "you haven't killed anyone yet" especially when I thought he just did.


I wish I could answer this but unfortunately I would have to reread and ponder it. I’m sure I have a wiseacre answer that escapes me at the moment. Okay, probably not.


Quoted from George Willson
I did find Julia's line about the baby to be a bit out of place given the prior conversation,…


Others have mentioned this. I noticed one day that people often do just suddenly switch gears in mid conversation to a completely different subject matter. At least I do. Maybe it’s a woman thing, I don’t know. I know it’s not very correct literarily speaking but it just seemed so darn realistic when I wrote it. Of course, if people continue to find it a snag, as far as I’m concerned, that’s reason enough to rewrite it.


Quoted from George Willson
I think you did a great job on a script that definitely has some potential to be a cult piece with a huge, yet low key, following to it.


Thank you for that. Unfortunately, I don’t think Hollywood quite sees it that way. I’ve had several requests for it and all have - though they were quite complimentary - responded with a resounding, “It’s not what we had in mind.”


Breanne




Logged
Private Message Reply: 94 - 108
Soap Hands
Posted: August 20th, 2007, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Idaho
Posts
226
Posts Per Day
0.04
Wow.

I decided to read something of yours to learn something and picked this one because I absolutely loved the title.

I know I haven't been here that long but this is the best drama screenplay I've read here and probably the best script I've read here period. I absolutely loved it.

I'm not even sure what to say...

I don't think this is for everybody. It reminded me a little of Vanilla Sky, Catcher in the Rye, Perks of Being a Wall Flower. I think this like some of those isn't going to appeal to the broadest audience but it's definitely for me.

I think I've mentioned a couple of times here I enjoy the reality vs. dream theme and this definitely had some of that. I found the characters highly relatable/identifiable. Like I was saying this was definitely for me.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I thought this was really well written, my only problems are really minor and a matter of taste, I'll mention them latter.

But while reading it I thought I had an issue with what I felt was a kind of break in the story but this was all remedied by the time to the end. I'll mention it anyway so you have some insight into one readers experience.  

When I was reading through this I really liked the beginning, all the intros. I thought you were setting us up for a nice teen angst/ self discovery thing. I was really into all the characters and was really curious which ones would be dead/ hospitalized. It read really fast for me until they got to the park.

At the park, and now that I think about it before(with the first grasshopper episode with yellow eyes and Rachel.) All the outlandish hallucinations (giant grasshopper, red Rachael super hero outfit lasers from eyes, comets from the sky) bothered me. At that moment in the script I thought it clashed with the tone of the movie too much.

To me it felt so different that it felt like the first act of the movie and the second act of the movie were from two different movies. At the time it bothered me because, while I thought each independently worked well, together they clashed and didn't compliment each other.

I only point this out because through the second act and well into the third act I was disappointed that I wouldn't get my pay off for what I thought you set up in the beginning and I think this affected my enjoyment of this part of the script. I don't think there's any way to deal with this, or that it should even be dealt with. I think it might even contribute in a positive way by the end.

But like I said before by the end, like the last half of the third act, really brought everything together for me and I was really able to enjoy everything.

I now feel that the disjunction between the first and the second act really contributes to the overall narrative, even though readers, or god willing, viewers might share some of my disappointments at the time.

Alright, I hope that all made sense. Now some negligible things:

In yellow eyes's flashback as John. The line  “You broke me” I found a little blunt. I think you got everything else  you needed out of the rest of the sequence with out the line (except maybe his anger, but then again 2 and 2) but it came off to strong for me.

Yellow eyes says “I’ve lived my life for to be judged and scrutinized” One word too many I think. Doesn’t come out right to me, unless it’s cause he’s tripping.

Besides those things I don't thing I would change a thing. I really really loved this. I thought the magician scene was brilliant, besides the image of the end probably my favorite scene.  I thought it was very well written and thought out. I loved your symbolism. It was all just great. Hell, even though it goes against most of the bones in my body I'll say it:

I was touched.(not like yellow eyes, I mean emotionally)

Sheepwalker






  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 95 - 108
Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 21st, 2007, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
Thank you Darell,

I appreciate your comments. Looking back, I see places I could improve. It seems like my writing improves leaps and bounds from one project to the next. This is probably story wise the best thing I ever wrote.

I knew though when I wrote it that it wouldn’t be for everyone. I was definitely pushing the boundaries of storytelling. I had several Hollywood agents request it from a query and they all politely told me I was a good writer but that it wasn’t what they were looking for. It wasn’t for them either -- haha.

That’s one of the reasons I’ve been experimenting lately with writing things a little more formulaic and a little more structured. I think it’s helped me improve as a writer.

This story has already improved from feedback and as I said, the better I get, the more I see little ways to improve it.

The “you broke me" line was meant to tie back to what Yellow Eyes said earlier about the mousetrap breaking the mouse’s back. I understand it sounds odd. It was one of those lines I was never quite sure about. It’s the same with the other line you mentioned. It seems you picked up on my uncertainty pretty good. Very perceptive.

I find your words very encouraging as well as helpful and I thank you for taking the time to read and comment.


Breanne



Logged
Private Message Reply: 96 - 108
Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 22nd, 2007, 9:16am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1979
Posts Per Day
0.31
Hey Breanne,

I had time to read this script today during one sitting and I'm pretty happy. This reminds me of Alice in Wonderland but a much darker version. You also add lots of comedy which was a good idea.  

The characters felt authentic to me. I really liked Yellow Eyes. How did you come up with his dialgoue? I enjoyed those parts.  The other people's diagloue came off good as well. the Dialgoue seemed remisicnet to Ellis's book Rules of Attraction.  

The only thing I saw as a problem was towards the ending. You make us believe that its Rachael and then its Yellow Eyes. That part got me a bit confused. But I assume that this was all Rachael's wierd dream right? Like the movie Identity.

I think it would also be good in distinguishing which scene is a flashback. I didn't have a problem but other people might.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 97 - 108
Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 7th, 2007, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
Gabe,

I’m terribly sorry to take so long to respond. I hadn’t realized someone else had commented.

Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I appreciate it. I appreciate the Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland comparison but it isn’t all a dream so much as a distorted version of real events. It’s more like Little Red Riding Hood on acid.

In one of the original versions of Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf was a werewolf. Here with my story, the “wolf” is a character who has a conscience but no real sense of identity. So this is really a sort of warped mix of identity crises, insanity, and bad drugs, where characters go from one bad situation to another until someone crosses an irretrievable line.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting.


Breanne




Logged
Private Message Reply: 98 - 108
RayW
Posted: August 6th, 2010, 11:50am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
OMG! I love your characters!
You flesh them out so well!
Each one of them I "felt & smelt" in like... a few lines.
You're great.

Yeah, you pegged that I wouldn't care for the story, such that it is, but the log line is accurate! Heyyyy... take 'em where you can get 'em!
I started skipping pages around 46.
Different strokes and all.

I gotta work on my characters.
I'm noticing mine are eight shades of people I like.
I need to work on making SOBs I despise and loathe. Exploit their kinks.

Gimme something with a story, though. Pleeease!



Logged
Private Message Reply: 99 - 108
Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 7th, 2010, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
Thanks, Ray, for reading and taking the time to comment. And for digging this fossil up.

Looking it over, I’m amazed at how much I’ve grown as a writer. Wow, my new stuff makes this look so nascent. This script has gotten me more work than anything else I’ve written, though.

Re: characters, my general practice is to put enough "me" into them to care about them and enough "not me" to hurt them.

This was written during the stream-of consciousness phase of my writing development. It was before I had a better command of story structure. I’ve since learned not to be too complicated the other direction either.

I haven’t posted a lot of my more recent work here. That started when one of my features was optioned in Hollywood. There was concern over how many people had seen it. It kind of spooked me a little. Since then, I’ve been a little more conservative about posting material. Plus, I had non-disclosure agreements on three features in a row.

On the other hand, I love Simply Scripts and wish to support the site any way I can. I’ve been wanting to post a newer feature here for a while but I’m trying to get into directing and that’s consumed a large amount of my time.

Thank you, Ray. I appreciate your feedback.


Breanne


Logged
Private Message Reply: 100 - 108
dogglebe
Posted: August 7th, 2010, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Breanne Mattson
Plus, I had non-disclosure agreements on three features in a row.


How'd that work out for ya?


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 101 - 108
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 7th, 2010, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
She's not allowed to say.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 102 - 108
Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 7th, 2010, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20

Quoted from dogglebe
How'd that work out for ya?


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
She's not allowed to say.


Haha

Phil, it’s a catch-22. Exposure to the script is greatly reduced but, on the other hand, it’s seen by more people who can possibly get it produced. I always go with my best shot at getting produced but then things get tied up with contracts that can hurt them in the long run.

I know some people will argue with me until we turn blue but I’ve always believed there’s an element of chance in every success story.


Breanne


Logged
Private Message Reply: 103 - 108
Guest
Posted: September 24th, 2013, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.14
Hey Breanne,

I been meaning to get around to your script "Devil in D Minor" for the longest time (I used to post here under a different name).  Man, was Bert right about "hidden gems" around here.  This is great stuff, visually stunning and absolutely captivating -- even if I have no idea what in the blue fuck is going on.  

Your characters stand out with unique names and their own little dark, dirty past.  The only issue I have with your characters has to do with your minor ones -- Cop One, Bishop One, Priest (maybe not minor, but . . . ), Doctor -- I hate when writers do that.  It's plain, boring and lazy writing if you ask me.  You should always try to give all your characters their own name, a sense of their own individuality, even if they're minor.

Some of your posts concerning what exactly is going on in the script is just about as intriguing as the script itself, and I am glad that you went in great detail to explain all the symbolism and meaning and what not.  Also, while I like the story very much, there are some other things I have problems with.  Nothing major, but I think it starts to drag getting toward the end.  Maybe tighten some scenes and get to things faster.  10 pages taken off and I think this would read a little faster.

Also, I felt like you went all over the place and things started to get real fucking convoluted.  Don't get me wrong, I sort of liked that, it was unique and different how you jumped all over, but it was a hard read at times.  I think you need to improve on your slugs.  A lot.  Or was it your intention to be pretty damn vague?  At times I found myself going back to see if I skipped a page or two... Anyway, that, and the dialogue, bothered me.  I felt a lot of lines were pretty OTN.  All that can be fixed with a rewrite, but I'm about 7 years too late with this one.  Regardless, I'm glad I finally gave it a look.  You sure do deserve whatever praise you get for this.  Hopefully this post bumps you up in the portal and gets you some new reads from newer members.  


--Steve
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 104 - 108
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006