Suspect Zone by Byron Fuggins - Drama, Crime Drama, Romantic Comedy - The story is about William Bradford, a self-proclaimed, womanizing Resort Security Director who has his work cut out for him as he deals with several murders of international ranked world-class mixed doubles tennis tournament players at a Five-Star Seaside Resort in Perth, Australia. 121 pages - pdf, format

Hi Byron.  Right off the bat, you've got a good story, and an engaging script that moves at a decent pace.  I'm sure that's the main thing you want to hear so I won't make you wait for it.  Format looks spot-on to me.  And so few typos.  Good job.

At 120 pages you are pushing the outer limits of acceptable length for this type of film.  I would suggest you try to trim some pages if you can, and the comments below contain a few possibilities for that.

I am also a little confused by your synopsis.  You emphasize Will, but frankly, I see Bruce as the hero of this piece.  At the very least, this is kind of a "buddy" flick, with two leads, and I think you should rework your pitch to play up that aspect a bit more.

Some specific comments now, by page number:

[WITH SPOILERS]

1:  You "tell" us they are tennis players, but this is a script.  You must "show" us.  Have them carrying tennis rackets or something.  "Show, don't tell" is one of the most oft-repeated rules of scriptwriting.  I'll point out a few, but you have several of these scattered throughout.  Look for them and you will find them.
4:  William is "athletic", but Wanda is "petite".  Yet she takes him down like a pro wrestler?
4:  Lots of people have stopped using "continueds" with dialogue.  It's obvious whose line it is, whether they just spoke or not.  I mean, their name is right there.  This practice is being phased out, as it's really little more than clutter on the page.  This page in particular would be much cleaner without them.
11:  Spear guns are always cool.  But it's obviously "moments later", so lose that from the slug line.  (Note later: You actually use this particular slug lots of times throughout the script -- lose em' all, I would say)  Wow, there's a pretty big surprise on this page, too.  Catches the reader off guard, so nicely done with that.
30:  I'm beginning to notice a trend with the cut-aways to the storm.  First you say, like, "200 miles" -- then, the next time, it's "150 miles".  Here is another "show, don't tell", but this one is rather difficult to show.  You might have to be explicit, with a super that reads, "200 miles away" or something like that.
34:  "I'll have a naked man, please."  That's a good line, and the scene should end right there.  Lose the rest, I think.
37:  Pierre needs a question mark.
39:  Man, I am really starting to get annoyed with excessive parentheticals.  Stop telling us that Mike has an Aussie accent.  Once, the first time he speaks, is enough.  And later in the strip club scene it seems like you have one for every single line of dialogue.  These are used very, very sparingly, and actors detest them.  Cut 90% of these from your script.  Really.  That figure is not an exaggeration.  90%.  You will probably trim about three pages right there.
71:  They certainly would have found the dog's hair on the cloth.  Gavin should mention that, too.
72:  I like how the title comes into play here.  At just the right time, I think.
81:  He doesn't need to spell and explain.  People understand web addresses well enough by now.
100:  If the tournament isn't played, rankings won't change.  Give Ian a different line.
104:  They are a little casual for just having shot a woman.
108:  How do we know she is looking for her ninja hood?  Just say she is looking for "something".  We'll know what it is when she finds it later.
111:  It occurs to me now that it is usually stairs that lead to the rooftop.  How could an elevator go that high, if all the pulleys and so forth must be above it?
113: "A portion of the sash gets caught in the dart in the hand of Vanessa and the sash quickly wraps around her neck."  This is a critical piece of action that is poorly described.  I simply cannot visualize what you are talking about, or how this could occur.  You definitely need to rework Vanessa's death scene.
120:  Don't name specific songs.  We don't get to do that at this level, and it's considered amateur to do so.  Those decisions will be made by somebody much higher up on the ladder than you or I.

So, what you've got here is an odd hybrid of comedy and slasher.  It's a unique idea, with a good setting, and the only film I can really think to compare this to is "Club Dread", which was flawed but also underrated.  You should check that one out and see if you can draw any inspiration from it.

Much of your comedy works fine, but for my personal tastes, you haven't quite bought into the slasher aspects of this script.  If I remember right, everyone is killed by knife or gun, and there are no really "clever" kills, which is the main thing the audience of this genre is looking for.  I would recommend that you have your girls kill their victims with a little more gusto, and even have to pursue them for a while.  These types of chases can be thrilling, too.  Most of what we get here is the killer walking up to the victim and stabbing them. Try to stretch these kill scenes out a bit.

The concept of us actually knowing the identity of the killer is not one commonly used, and your story is unique in that respect as well.  And then, you put an additional twist on that, with a second killer, whose identity we also know.  Vanessa is OK, but the ninja angle is kind of weird, and I'm not sure what you were going for with that.  It seems out of place, and why on earth was she running around in such an outfit, anyway?  Why would she draw that kind of attention to herself?  That's just my opinion, though, and I could be wrong about that.

I really liked the two male leads, and had a good sense of them throughout.  I can tell you envision Will Smith as your lead (or someone like him) without your having said so explicitly.  When a reader can "cast" characters in your script, that is the mark of good character development.  Wanda is kind of a one-note character, however.  All she does is gripe at William and not too much else.  You might try to find more for her to do.

I hope some of these comments help you out.  You've got the building blocks for a good script in place, with interesting characters, story, and setting.  I would say play up the slasher aspects a bit more, give Wanda more to do than bitch, and lose just about every parenthetical you have.

Good job with this one, Byron.  It was a fun read.

Bert,

  Thanks for the very helpful review. Your critique far exceeded my expectations and I hope that I can make the improvements that will propel this script into a unforgettable blockbuster.  In the meantime, I will take a look at Club Dredd  to understand the comparisons you've made to better my script. Your suggestions give me hope for a final draft completion which is my primary objective as an amateur screenwriter. Once again, Thanks!!!

Byron

Hey Byron.  Glad the comments were helpful to you.

I feel like I should warn you about "Club Dread", though -- don't go in expecting great cinema with that one.

It by a comedy troupe called "Broken Lizard", and involves a mad killer at an island resort -- but it's also a comedy -- so you can see how it kind of dovetails into your story.  But don't worry -- it's a quite different story.

Parts of it fall flat, but it does have a few honest laughs in it -- "Pina Colodaburg" still cracks me up.

But watching films similar to your own work can be a great source of inspiration.  Look for the aspects that didn't work -- you can often reimagine the seed of that idea and improve upon it.  No shame in that.

Good luck with this one.  "Writing is rewriting" is another pretty common phrase around here -- so don't dispair.  My own story is on its third draft, and I am sure there is another draft in its future at some point.

You will be surprised -- and pleased -- to find that your stuff just gets better and better every time.

Hey Bert,

   Your comparison of my screenplay to a below average horror flick astounds me.

Sure, I need to improve upon my script just a little before it's fully ready for the hollywood types but "Suspect Zone" is in the Crime Drama and Romantic Comedy genres with more interest in the latter.

Furthermore...

  I wrote this screenplay with the intent to keep the audience amused and thinking.

My intention for my screenplay was never to be like a "Club Dread". It's not a movie I intend to duplicate because it falls short in the creative writing aspect.

As an amateur screenwriter I have seen a lot of movies in my day. Although I may be a little wet behind the ears in my screenwriting ability, my creative juices are constantly flowing to my brain and I know when a reader/reviewer is trying to belittle my work.

Don't take this the wrong way, but...

Your comparison of my screenplay to Club Dread is like that of comparing "Fantasy Island" to "Gilligan's Island".

At least Tattoo and Mr. Rourke had a way off the island!!!

FYI:  

    "The plane...the plane!!!"

Hope this makes sense!

Quoted from coolb801 Your comparison of my screenplay to a below average horror flick astounds me....I know when a reader/reviewer is trying to belittle my work.

Absolutely not.

You sound offended.  You're not really...are you?

Maybe I am misreading the tone of your post -- but it sounds like you've got me all wrong here...

I said right up front that the stories were way different, and that Club Dread wasn't even that great of a film.

The comparison was a passing one -- in the most general of terms -- and I certainly didn't mean to imply that you should try to duplicate that work.

I just thought you might be interested in a little-seen film that had a killer at a posh resort and played it for laughs -- end of story.

I've read scripts 30 times worse than yours -- believe me -- and have never belittled any of them.

Sorry you wasted the rental though....sounds like you didn't like it much.

Hey Bert,

  Don't sweat it!

  I was just letting off some steam by posting a rebuttal.

  Somehow it keeps me on the creative edge, you know!

  I'll try not to post another reply of such magnitude.

  Here's why I posted such a reply...

  This entire week has been like living on "Gilligan's Island" because

  I keep running around and not getting anything of real importance accomplished...Sound familiar?

  Hopefully next week I'll be like Mr. Rourke who sits back and drinks champagne while
  
  others run around trying to get their lives together...What a life!!!