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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Once Upon A Time In New Jersey Moderators: bert
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  Author    Once Upon A Time In New Jersey  (currently 3392 views)
Don
Posted: June 17th, 2007, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Once Upon a Time in New Jersey by Jason Daniels (Calvin Paul) - Drama - A young man struggles to regain control of his life after his father is murdered. 110 pages. Screenplay contains some colorful language and some brief scenes of violence. 111 pages - pdf, format


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Calvin Paul
Posted: June 19th, 2007, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Hello, fellow screenwriters. I'd like to thank anyone who takes the time to read my screenplay in advance. Well, this is the final draft of my first screenplay. It is currently entered in the Nicholl, Scriptapalooza, and Cynosure screenwriting competitions. I put my screenplay on this site just to get a good idea of how I might measure up against other entrants. Family and friends have told me it was good, but you know how that goes =). Also if any of you would like me to read your screenplay, I'd be happy to. I enjoy reading unproduced screenplays more than going to the movies these days. Well, I hope you enjoy reading it. I'm open to all comments and criticism. Thank you again.
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randyshea
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READ THE FIRST 4 PAGES AND HAVE SOME COMMENTS FOR YOU...

FADE IN:

EXT. PARK – NIGHT ***WHAT PARK? DO YOU KNOW OF A PARK HE’S SITTING IN? TELL ME HERE IN THIS SLUG.***NEWWARK NEW JERSEY PARK?

It is a cold, dark (THE SLUG TELLS US IT'S NIGHT), and silent January night in Newark, New Jersey. (WE DON’T KNOW THIS, DO WE?) The wind whips as snow (SNOW TELLS US IT’S WINTER, AND COLD) falls. THERE ARE WAYS OF GETTING THIS ACROSS IN LESS WORDS, LESS "PROSE" SO TO SPEAK. YOU WANT TO CREATE A FEEL, I KNOW THAT. BUT LET'S TRY THIS:

EXT. NEWARK NEW JERSEY PARK - NIGHT

SAD AND ALONE ON A BENCH, CALVIN PAUL, 17, HUDDLES AGAINST WIND DRIVEN SNOW A hooded young man, CALVIN PAUL, 17, sits on a bench, looking at Downtown HE LOOKS TO Newark's city skyline THEN . He looks around the park, then looks to  UP TO the sky, FLAKES MELTING ON HIS FACE, ACTING AS SUBSTITUTE TEARS. as he tries to hold back tears.

WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ON THE SCENE, WHAT IS IMPORTANT? THAT CALVIN IS ALONE AND SAD. PERIOD. NOW YOU PUT HIM IN THE DARK, WHICH IS COOL, AND IT'S SNOWING, WHICH FITS HIS MOOD. SO THAT PART IS GOOD. BUT THE POINT YOU WANT TO SHOW IS NOT THAT IT'S COLD AS HECK IN JERSEY, OR THAT IT'S SNOWING, OR THAT IT'S DARK. WHAT YOU WANT TO SHOW, AND SET UP FOR A PAY OFF LATER, IS A SAD YOUNG KID ON THE VERGE OF TEARS. WHILE I'M AT IT, IT’S DIFFICULT TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE HOLDING BACK TEARS. YOU EITHER HAVE THEM OR YOU DON’T. SO BE CREATIVE. OR JUST TELL US HE IS SAD AND LET THE ACTOR BE SAD.

OF COURSE YOU COULD MAKE IT MORE DRAMATIC AND HAVE SNOW FLAKES MELT WITH HIS TEARS. BUT HE’S YOUR GUY AND YOU KNOW IF YOU WANT HIM TO ACTUALLY CRY HERE OR NOT. BUT THINK ABOUT IT, WHY WOULD HE HOLD BACK HERE, AT NIGHT, ALONE? HE WOULD CRY. AND SOMETIME LATER WE’LL FIND OUT WHY.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON

Calvin looks around the classroom, that is full of anxious seniors, ready to go home to enjoy their weekend. The English teacher, SANDRA CLARKE, 37, English teacher, addresses walks about the class. CALVIN SITS NEAR THE BACK (FRONT, MIDDLE, WHERE EVER)

SANDRA

Now according to Bradley, one of the engaging elements of Shakespeare's tragic heroes, is that they are not monstrosities of virtue, but rather people who are simultaneously accessible and elusive. They are made up of qualities and characteristics that we find within ourselves, while exhibiting an intensity that places them beyond our grasp. Ms. Washington.

A young woman, CRYSTAL WASHINGTON, 17, looks up at Sandra. CRYSTAL IS A CHICK'S NAME, AND WHEN YOU TELL US SHE IS 17, SHE IS YOUNG.

SANDRA (CONT'D)

Give me some characteristics, some traits, that make up a tragic hero.

CRYSTAL

Well, he must suffer more than he deserves. He must be doomed from the start, but bearing no responsibility for possessing his flaw.

SANDRA

Good. Can anyone else add on to that?

Calvin raises his hand.

SANDRA

Okay, Mr. Paul.

CALVIN

Due to his inability to cope with unfavorable circumstances, he will be doomed to make a serious error in judgement, usually resulting in his demise. He's even given the chance to redeem himself, but he must move, sometimes knowingly, to his defeat.

SANDRA

Very good.

Calvin looks over to Crystal and smiles.

She gives him a smileS back as the dismissal bell rings.

Everyone scrambles to get out of the classroom.

Calvin straps STUFFS HIS ENGLISH BOOK IN HIS BOOK BAG on his book bag and picks up his English Literature book.

SANDRA

Hey, Calvin.

CALVIN

Yeah, Ms. Clarke?

SANDRA

You two keep it up. You'll be walking across that stage in no time.

Calvin cracks a smileS as Crystal walks up behind him.

SANDRA

You guys enjoy your weekend.

CRYSTAL

You too, Ms. Clarke.

Calvin and Crystal exit the classroom.

LOOKING BACK HERE, YOU'VE SET THE AGE BRACKET. TELLING US THEY ARE SENIORS DOES NOTHING, YOU CAN SET THAT IN DIALOG OR BY SOME OTHER METHOD LATER. AND THAT THEY ARE EAGER TO GET OUT OF CLASS? WHY? GO BACK TO INDIANA JONES AND HIS CLASS. VERY SIMILAR HERE. YOU GET SOME INFORMATION, THEN THE STORY MOVES ON. SO YOU CAN REST WITH EASE THAT YOU CAN CUT THAT STUFF OUT AND GET TO THE POINT, WHICH IN THIS SCENE IS THE DIALOG. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS SERIES OF LINES MEAN RIGHT NOW, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE IT WILL MEAN SOMETHING. IF IT DOESN'T, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN YOU'VE WRITTEN A THROW AWAY SCENE, AND THROW AWAY SCENES NEED TO BE, WELL, THROWN AWAY. SO CUT TO THE CHASE. WE HAVE A TEACHER AND A CLASS ROOM WITH CALVIN IN IT. PLUS WE GET TO MEET CRYSTAL, WHO SHOULD TURN OUT TO BE HIS LOVE INTEREST, OR AT LEAST A BUDDY, BUT AT THIS AGE, AND IF THE CHICK IS HALF WAY GOOD LOOKING, THEY ARE LOVE INTERESTS IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Calvin and Crystal make their way down the crowded hallway.

CALVIN

So, what are you DOING gonna be up to this weekend?

CRYSTAL

I think my cousin wants to go out to Jersey Gardens tomorrow. I don't know.

CALVIN

Oh. Sounds like fun.

CRYSTAL

What about you? What are you doing?

CALVIN

My dad's comin' over. We're probably just gonna play x-box.

CRYSTAL

You boys and those damn video games. I don't see how y'all can do it.

CALVIN
(laughs)

You should come over and play with us.

CRYSTAL

(smiles)

Sorry, I don't do games.

CALVIN

Whatever.

Crystal AND CALVIN REACH CRYSTAL’S LOCKER. laughs as she walks up to her locker. She opens the locker as a young man, QUENTIN JACKSON, 17, comes up behind Calvin  and smacks him CALVIN in the back of the head.

QUENTIN

What up, fool?

CALVIN

What the hell is wrong with you? One day you're gonna do that and I'ma turn around and smack you. (I’MA?)

QUENTIN

Yeah, yeah. And how are you doing today, Ms. Washington?

CRYSTAL

Hey, Quentin , how are you?

QUENTIN

I'm good. You ready to roll, Calvin?

CALVIN

Yeah, let's go.

Crystal puts her hair up and ties it with a black bandana. WHY?

She tosses her books into the locker and closes it.

CRYSTAL

Hey, Calvin, you feel like walking me home?

IF CALVIN IS GOING TO BE NERVOUS HERE, HE WOULD NOT HAVE AGREED TO GO WITH QUENTIN RIGHT AWAY. CRYSTAL AND CALVIN WOULD HAVE EXCHANGED LOOKS, AND CRYSTAL WOULD HAVE BEEN DISAPPOINTED. Calvin looks a bit nervous.

CALVIN

Oh, no, I can't. I have to, uh, I have to pick up my little brother.

CRYSTAL

Oh, okay. Well, I'll see you two on Monday. Bye, Calvin. Bye, Quentin.

QUENTIN

Bye. LATER

QUENTIN WALKS UP AND SAYS "WHAT UP." IF THAT'S THE WAY HE TALKS, ALL GHETTO LIKE, THEN KEEP IT THAT WAY.

Crystal turns around and walks away. Calvin cracks a smile as she walks down the hall. He watches her until he looses her in the crowd of students.

QUENTIN (CONT'D)

You know that's some bullshit, right?

CALVIN

I don't even feel like goin' there today, man.

NO CONFLICT HERE. A LITTLE CONFLICT IS GOOD EVEN BETWEEN CALVIN AND CRYSTAL. SHE’S NOT STUPID. WHEN HE HESITATES, WE KNOW HE’S FULL OF SHIT. SO IF THE AUDIENCE KNOW’S THEN THE SMART THING FOR YOU TO DO IS FOR HER TO KNOW. AND THEN MAKE A CONFLICT OUT OF IT. IF EVERYONE IS ALL OKAY, WE GET BORED WITH IT. YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW US SOME SIDE OF CALVIN HERE. HE LIES TO HER. BUT THE WAY YOU SHOW IT, SHE BELIEVES HIM. AND AT 17, CALVIN’S DICK HAS MORE PULL THAN HIS BRAIN. SO YOU BETTER JAZZ THIS UP. IT’S TOO EASY.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
randyshea  -  June 22nd, 2007, 10:29pm
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randyshea
Posted: June 23rd, 2007, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Done.

I’m guessing everyone is black? Don’t you think you should say so up front? So I’m not guessing about it later on? When I’m guessing, I’m not thinking about the story. And is everyone going to be throwing out slang? Even dad before he gets shot? Some of that I noticed, and I'm thinking if I noticed, then it seemed out of character for some, like Crystal.

When Calvin starts coming around and Sheryl asks about Crystal, Sheryl treats him like he’s 12, and he let’s her. He’s what? 18? 19?

Set the age of Lionel and Rob and Marcus when they show up.

I think while Quentin is trying to be noble after Crystal and Aaron die, he seems out of place for some reason, like he should be empathizing more, not trying to be Calvin's dad. Not like he should condone what we think Calving will go do, and that is get revenge, but for Calvin to go through all this and have Quentin come off like he does seems off. I mean, he lost his dad a year ago, and now Crystal and Aaron? Quentin can know he's going to get revenge, maybe, or at least think he is, and try to deter Calvin from getting it, but I would be at a loss for words, not full of how Calvin should be more of a man and not let me down. However, it sets the challenge to Calvin.

The action can be tightened up very similar to my first 4 pages of edits, but I liked it. I didn’t think I would after reading the first 4 pages, but then the story broke open and I read all the way to the end without stopping. Dialog was good. A few type-o’s. The only “issue” that repeatidly (sp) came up for me while reading was that I kept wondering just how old Calvin was. Yeah, yeah, I know you told me. In high school, 17. Then you pick the story up after his father dies, a year later, so he’s 18, maybe 19. But some of the dialog and action lends itself to younger people. Not always, and it’s not a huge problem, or I wouldn’t have finished reading it. But that’s what went through my head.

Hopefully your contest readers won’t get hung up on these things and will give you high marks in the competitions.

Now all that being said, what is the point of the first scene?
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Calvin Paul
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Hey, Randyshea. Thanks for taking your time to read my screenplay. You made some great points. First off, I wanted to adress your question about if all the characters were black. Yes they are, but I didn't want to come off like this is a type of thing that only happens to black people. Tragedy strikes us all, black, white, asian. Calvin's age, which looking at it now, I could have made clear with a single line or two, is 18. As far as the slang goes, people I knew in Jersey used it, but there were some people that didn't, explaining Crystal. Some of the people that did use it used it around certain people. I don't know if you could tell, but Quentin spoke differently around Sheryl. In the opening scene, when I don't name the park, I didn't name the park because I thought that was a big no no, according to the writers on the stop talk writers board anyway. Like I said, you've given me a couple of things to think about when it comes time for that rewrite Do you have a screenplay up here?
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randyshea
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Quoted from Calvin Paul
Hey, Randyshea. Thanks for taking your time to read my screenplay. You made some great points. First off, I wanted to adress your question about if all the characters were black. Yes they are, but I didn't want to come off like this is a type of thing that only happens to black people. Tragedy strikes us all, black, white, asian. Calvin's age, which looking at it now, I could have made clear with a single line or two, is 18. As far as the slang goes, people I knew in Jersey used it, but there were some people that didn't, explaining Crystal. Some of the people that did use it used it around certain people. I don't know if you could tell, but Quentin spoke differently around Sheryl. In the opening scene, when I don't name the park, I didn't name the park because I thought that was a big no no, according to the writers on the stop talk writers board anyway. Like I said, you've given me a couple of things to think about when it comes time for that rewrite Do you have a screenplay up here?


I understood your motive in not writing about their race before I asked the question; it's a sensitive subject these days. But like I said, when the slang started coming, that's when my mind got distracted. Yes, non-blacks talk that way, on occasion, but "niggaz" is generally spoken by whom? You think you could cast a bunch of Asian kids and use your dialog? How about a bunch of Italian kids? Latinos? Sons of Russian gangsters running their own "Little Moscow" in the heart of Newark? I don't think so either. It's great dialog to me, sets the tone and micro-culture. I personally read the story as a struggle of a kid, he just happens to be black.  I don't care about color; bad guys are bad guys, and good kids can get caught up in bad things because of peer pressure, and other life pressures; their emotions. I know, I did some things, and I'm white. So it's Calvin's struggle, and it was interesting to watch him go through it. Now that I think about it, is his transition from shooting Lionel to "good-kid-on-the-right-path" too fast and too easy?

You're misunderstanding my concern about Calvin's age. The age is very very clear. It's not about knowing how old he is, it's about him letting his mother treat him like a 12-year old. I know that 18 year-olds don't allow that. There is a certain level of cool that has to be maintained. There is respect for mom, certainly. There is a different level of interaction between parents at that age. Calvin is not a pussy. Not even at home. He has to live up to the level of father since his dad is gone. That's another challenge, and he gets a job to partially meet that challenge. You're trying to show mom's interested in Calvin's girlfriend. And moms do that. But then it went to the level of a first girlfriend, which often comes at age 12 and 13. That's how it came off, age 12 or 13, not age 18 or 19. The level of cool became that of 12 and 13, not 18 and 19. Understand?

The slang is not an issue really, it works very well here. It's when someone uses it and you wonder if that character would or not. Your call on that, just consider it. The example I'm thinking of is when George gets mugged and shot. He changes the way he speaks. So I stopped and wondered about it. Crystal does the same when she says "aight," I think when they get the milkshake, but I could be mistaken where she says it. It could be that she's mocking Calvin's speak, which would be cool, and that's the way I took it, but it still made me stop and think about it and her.

As far as the park goes, put as much in the slug as you can without going too far. It's part of the description. think of this: a church.  got it? a church. close your eyes and imagine a church. now...think of this...old church. got it? okay, now think of this, old run down church. what about this...mormon church. catholic church. inter-city church. or abandoned church, new-age church. see how that works? you can go too far, and there are some good ideas on the boards, but in the end, what makes your story read better? what gets the right picture in the reader's mind? for you, what kind of grocery store? big box? corner grocery store, inter-city grocery store? what kind of house? what kind of playground. what kind of school. if you don't set it right, the wrong image may come up. now if a black person from the inter-city is reading it, he/she may be predisposed to "see" an inter-city school. but when i read it, it's a brand new rural school of white kids, set among the trees of the great pacific northwest, until i read something that changes my mind. that's when you run into a problem. you don't want me "changing" my mind while I'm reading. That's why you have to set it up so I know one time where I'm at, who I am looking at, and who I am listenting to. And when you find the simplest most concise way to convey that, then you have what you need. Too much, and it's hard to read, too little and we don't know. Just right, like Goldilock's porage.

I have THE LIGHT ENGINE up here. I wrote it some years ago and decided to get back to it. lol. go read it and see if i follow the same rules i just laid out to you. lol.



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Calvin Paul
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Okay, I see where you're coming from. Is there a good way of letting a reader know a character's race? In that scene with the milkshake, Crystal was mocking the way he spoke. As for Sheryl treating Calvin like a child...my mother, who Sheryl is based on, still treats and talks to me like I'm a child, and I'm 23. It pisses me off at times, depending on certain situations, but oh well. I'm gonna check out The Light Engine now. My day is pretty much free, so I should be done by tonight.
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randyshea
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Quoted from Calvin Paul
Okay, I see where you're coming from. Is there a good way of letting a reader know a character's race? In that scene with the milkshake, Crystal was mocking the way he spoke. As for Sheryl treating Calvin like a child...my mother, who Sheryl is based on, still treats and talks to me like I'm a child, and I'm 23. It pisses me off at times, depending on certain situations, but oh well. I'm gonna check out The Light Engine now. My day is pretty much free, so I should be done by tonight.


Race? Sure, CALVIN, 17-year-old African American/Black (you choose what ever you like), huddles against wind blown snow.

of course there is black street kid, which lends itself to more description and sets him up right off the bat.

Did you answer the question about what the first scene is about?

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Calvin Paul
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The first scene in the park or the scene in the classroom?
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randyshea
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Quoted from Calvin Paul
The first scene in the park or the scene in the classroom?


The park.

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Calvin Paul
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Oh, okay. Assuming you didn't notice, that's the scene after Calvin doesn't kill Lionel. In other words, I began at the end.
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randyshea
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Quoted from Calvin Paul
Oh, okay. Assuming you didn't notice, that's the scene after Calvin doesn't kill Lionel. In other words, I began at the end.


Oh, I noticed the similarity, and wondered if they were tied together, but Calvin has a gun the second time around, so you ran the risk that this is some place Calvin visits frequently and for me it did not work the way you intended. You have to make a stronger tie; like Calvin holds the gun in the first scene, just looking at it. But how do we know that Calvin doesn't always have a gun? He has one at home after pop dies, no explanation how it got there. So does the opening scene really do anything for your story? Not really. It's artsy. But it's not the ending at the beginning. It's page 105 at the beginning. It's one of the sacred cows that you may have to sacrifice.

The time and place trick works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. Pulp Fiction did it, but there is no mistake on that one.

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Calvin Paul
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But how do we know that Calvin doesn't always have a gun? He has one at home after pop dies, no explanation how it got there.

Is how Calvin acquired a handgun important? There are a few ways one could get a gun in Newark. In the beginning, you see that he's a good student and you see that he's pretty optimistic. Do you think anyone would suspect that Calvin, before, his father's death, would have a gun?

I'm on page 33 of The Light Engine. Pretty cool so far.
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randyshea
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Quoted from Calvin Paul

Is how Calvin acquired a handgun important? There are a few ways one could get a gun in Newark. In the beginning, you see that he's a good student and you see that he's pretty optimistic. Do you think anyone would suspect that Calvin, before, his father's death, would have a gun?

I'm on page 33 of The Light Engine. Pretty cool so far.


The gun scene works after his father dies, but follow me. It's not about the gun and how Calvin aquires it. That's just a side note. What I am trying to get you to focus on is the first scene and force you to decide if you'll keep or not, and then know why you choose to keep it or get rid of it. First, we don't first see Calvin as a good student, we see him as a kid coming to grips with someting, in a cold park, on the verge of tears. THEN we see him as a student raising his hand, pleasing the teacher. There is nothing that tells me that what precedes the classroom is the future. In order for me to go, ah, now I understand the first scene, you have to tie me back there. What I'm saying is that you did not tie ME back there. So my suggestion was for you to tie me back to the first scene, IF YOU WANT TO KEEP IT. How do you do that? Put a gun in the first scene. The same gun he pulls out in his bedroom, the same gun he shoots Lionel with. BUT here is the issue about the gun in his bedroom. And I'll explain it this way, IF you decide to keep the first scene, and you show me a gun in order for me to tie back to the first scene (from page 105), then I still may not tie back since he pulls out the same gun in his bedroom prior to page 105. Calvin has a gun. I don't know where he got it, and he may have had it before you show me Calvin in the classroom, like in the park (if it's shown), and then that can be interpreted as past just as easy as it can future. I know this sounds confusing, but if you keep the first scene in context, it may become clear what I am saying. And that is why I suggested you delete the very first park scene, because what does it do for you? Answer that question. What does the very first park scene do for your story? Is it merely for the art of it all? Are you trying to be a little Pulp Fiction with it (which in Pulp Fiction, despite all the praise, really doesn't to a whole lot except for the WOW factor)? Foreshadowing?

What are you doing for your story by keeping the first scene?



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dresseme
Posted: June 25th, 2007, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Calvin Paul-

Ok, so I just finished your script, and I have some critiques.  But before I get to those, let me first start off with some positive thoughts about the script.  First, I liked your characters.  They all felt very real (with a few exceptions you'll see below), which made it easier to feel for them when something bad happened.  Also, I thought the story was strong, but a tad predictable at times.  For example, I knew the father was going to die (and I didn't even read the logline).  Perhaps you could minimize the amount of foreshadowing you do on that part.

I didn't know Aaron & Crystal were going to die, but I can't tell if this is a plus or minus for me.  I know people are killed for a lot less everyday, but it just seemed like their death was too much.  But like I said, people die for less.

One suggestion I had was that Calvin starts carrying the gun with him after his father dies, and not just keeping it in the shoebox.  It seems he would want to carry it with him if he's become that sour towards life/the neighborhood.  And once he starts to change, he puts the gun away.  Or it could create a nice scene where Crystal feels the gun when she hugs him or something like that.

Even though I liked your characters, they all sound exactly the same.  It's impossibly to differentiate between them.  And also, they go in and out of character. For example, Gerald talks differently in the end than he does in the beginning.  Same thing with the mother.  Also, as the script goes on the mother becomes a stereotype.  In the manner she deals with her son and his girlfriend (I believe that was mentioned above).  Would a mother really ask "Are you having sex?"

Finally, there are WAY too many heartfelt speeches in this script.  I know it's a drama, but it just seems like every 5-10 pages someone's giving a speech on the way things are, their feelings, etc, etc.  Heartfelt speeches aren't bad, but I think they should definitely be minimized.

It worried me that you called this a "final draft".  It's well-written and a good read, but it can definitely be shortened and improved.

(If you wouldn't mind looking at my script "Douchebag" in the comedy section, it would be much appreciated)
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