Morally Wounded by James Chancellor (jrchance42) - Drama, Crime - Tragedy combines with a lie forming a fraud, and a determination to expose the fraud, forces a dying man to make his own form of reality TV by hijacking a live TV show.   83 pages - pdf, format

Hey James, tried to give this a read, but quickly realized there are just WAY, WAY too many mistakes, issues, and problems.  I’ll throw a few out that may help you understand what’s wrong here.

Page1
Don’t include your title on Page 1.

I think you want a “Super”, showing “Miami Present Day”.  If not, get rid of this line completely.

You always need a time of day in your slug (day, night, evening, morning, later, continuous, etc.).

Use all caps when first introing a character (both first and last name).

Don’t use so many descriptive adjectives when describing a character.  Just give us their age, or something about their looks, but you don’t want to go into the detail that you did.  Especially the “single” line…how are we going to know this in a filmed version?

You also have 2 passive verbs in this overly long description (standing, nailing).  Keep your prose active as much as possible.

Same thing with the next line (raising).

When you have someone speak who isn’t onscreen (but is most likely nearby), you need to use a O.S. (off screen).

Not sure why you’re using a “Fade into Darkness” here.  Are you saying that the screen goes black because Keith is now buried underneath something?

Don’t use “we hear”.  Just describe the sounds.

Another V.O. needed.  What does “burred” mean?  Is that a typo for “buried”?

“Keith closes his eyes.” – So, the screen is still black, since you had that “Fade into Darkness”, yet, your action prose says that we’re looking at Keith and he closes his eyes.  If it’s black, we can’t see that.

Now we’ve got a new transition, stating “The Room Fades to Black”.  What room?  Everything was already black.

Opening sentence under your new slug is very awkward, with the part about “the living room can be seen”.  The “looking untidy” also isn’t good, and the whole thing is a run-on, and although you don’t need perfect novelistic prose, this doesn’t work as it is.

Next sentence is passive again (sitting) and way too long…it’s 3 lines long, 1 sentence.  You’ve got both “sitting” and “sits” in the same sentence, which is never going to work.  Also, the part about “to pass time” is totally unnecessary.

Next sentence, “lay” is used incorrectly.

Keith’s dialogue doesn’t sound good, and considering he’s talking to himself, it sounds even worse.

Last sentence, passive verbiage again (scanning), which isn’t a good word to use here even if it wasn’t passive.

Page 2
You use “Voice” for Emma Smith…you need to use the actual characters name.  Also, since she’s off-screen on the phone, this is a V.O. (voice over).

OK, James, that’s just a little over 1 page of script and almost 1 ½ pages of corrections/notes, so I gotta stop here.

I hope this makes sense and helps you.  Read all you can about screenwriting online (or in here). There is so much great information out there.  Read scripts in here as well as pro scripts.  They’ll help a bunch.

Best of luck to you.