Façade by Rock Suddhi - Drama, Noir - In a "film noir" set in the 1950's, a detective investigates the murder of a teenage boy in the quintessential 50's American suburbs in which nothing is ever what it seems to be. 105 pages - pdf, format

I would've liked to see more conflict between Nathan and Spencer. Preferably sometime before the bus stop beating. Some great moments I think will be both at the school and the first time Nathan goes to the bus stop. It feels too spontaneous when Spencer arrived.

Zachary also seems too spontaneous, my thoughts were that Nathan was a completely friendless loser now there's a kid named Zachary that is friends with him?

You should specify exactly what part of the house we are in the scene heading.
( INT. NATHAN"S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY)

The scene transition at the end of page 22 would be better as

....Then she turns around and enters the

HOUSE

and closes the door behind her...

You don't need a full scene heading (INT. HOUSE - DAY) a small secondary one will do and you can cut the . . .'s


The "one week later" should be a super.

SUPER: One week later

I found it a little wierd how Grayson would just let Barbara waltz into the crime scene like that and more strangely how he openly asks her if she wants to see the body.


Why is the FBI doing the investigation?

Nathan got picked on at school? We were not shown this, he was left alone mostly.

It would've been easier to show us about the recorded conversation by using a scene where Dr. Godfrey is talking with Nathan. I think showing Nathan here will be more dramatic than just hearing his voice.

Few questions

They already charged Spencer, why was the investigation being continued?

Why did Grayson steal the files on the computer, this cannot be used as evidence in court or used to charge either one of them.

and this thing i thought was stupid. Why would the father shoot Nathan with a rare gun? Why would he shoot him at all?

Anyways i've managed to get through this, it was a good story but i wish i knew more about Nathan during school,

oh, wow, I had no idea they posted it already. lol I thought they'd notify me.

Anyway, thanks for posting it!!

and Lightfoot, thanks for reading it, I was afraid no one would, lol.  This is the very first screenplay I have ever written, so hopefully it's not that bad.  I was 15 when I wrote this (16 now), and I have almost no knowledge about crime scene investigations, and of course, scriptwriting, but I did my best. Once I learn how they actually investigate crimes, I just might go back and fix it up, lol.  I'm also not the best writer, so the writing may sound a little weird.  Spoilers! As for the dad shooting him with a gun, that was all a facade to make it look he was murdered--they didn't really think their plan through very good, lol.  And Zachary was kept secret from the knowledge of his parents because he never talked to them.  That's why we think he has no friends when he actually has one. And Grayson stole the files to verify if they matched Spencer, not to be used in court as evidence.

Anyway, I really appreciate you reading it, and I especially appreciate it that you thought the story was good. mainly because the character of Nathan is sort of inspired by my life (though not as extreme as his, of course).  So i'm glad that the whole 'no friends, and you know what(spoiler)' thing wasn't a comical addition since it's usually treated as comedy elements in most movies and TV shows.  But the whole idea of it was very serious, and I'm glad you thought it was good. Thank you!

The main thing I want readers to focus on is the mystery and the story.  Is the mystery effective?  Was it keeping you guessing until the end?  When you did read the ending, were you surprised, or was it predictable from the very start?  I was hoping to keep the reader guessing, I put as many twists as I could.

so anyway thanks for reading it, hope you enjoyed it

My accusations were going all over he place lol, at first I thought Dr. Godfrey because she had a strange aura about here in that one scene. Then Spencer

I guess the mystery was effective yes, although at some points it gets if'y. My advice is you should first of all focus more on developing Nathan's story, show us how his life at school is etc etc, then check the mystery aspect.

For being your first script it's actually a nice shot

Hello Rock,

With a name like that I have to ask, do you?

Good title. I think it's been used a few times but not by anything too famous so you'll be alright with that one. I'd say the logline isn't bad but could do with a bit of trimming.

You're 15? The only things I was writing at 15 were bad cheques. Good on you. Keep it going. You'll be pleased to know my cheques are now not quite as bouncy.

I notice on your other post you said

Quoted from The Riddle Book post ...I'm not putting as much effort into it as my first script

I'd edit that bit if I were you, it put me off. Maybe you didn't put as much effort in, but I wouldn't go spreading it about.

And finally to the script -

Quoted from Facade ...in Jesus name.

Stick an apostrophe after the prophet's name. Sorry, I'm a pedant.

Not a bad start. I can't recall the last time I saw someone saying a prayer in a film. Only Jules in Pulp Fiction springs to mind, but that wasn't really a prayer.

I'd lose all the credits and the like. They don't help. Example -

Quoted from Facade splashing his concealed face with cold water.

I worked out what you meant there but it's confusing. Just stick with the story, try and stay away from direct camera instructions.

Quoted from Facade His parents have not waken up to make him breakfast.

Not sure how that would be filmed. Try to stay with what we can see rather than what we can't.

You've a habit to which I also prone - overwriting. You focus too much on details that aren't that important. Once morning breaks you detail this kid getting dressed and then having his breakfast. You could have done this with a few lines instead of a few pages. I'm not saying these scenes are wrong, I'm saying trim all the unimportant stuff way back.

Quoted from Facade Nathan, having breaking his concentration,

Careful with those tenses. Pedants like me wince.

Er sorry if I'm coming across as harsh. For one so young this script is quite an achievement. I see very few problems with format and the ideas are pretty good so far.

The bus scene needs a bit of work. It's a scene that could with some of those details.
Lose the "Before Nathan can even utter a word, the teen sitting there immediately objects." Instead tell us where and how the teen is looking. What's his attitude?

Quoted from Facade Every kid with an open seat next to them won’t let Nathan sit there. There is no other option than to stand.

That's not bad but it could do with a bit more. Nathan has to walk up to each seat. What does each kid do? They all stop him but how? You only need to it a few times, I'm sure each kid would reject him in a slightly different way before Nathan becomes defeated.

The rest of the that scene is pretty good. The only error there is once he gets off the bus it needs a new header. I know it's not a new scene but it's a different locale.

Quoted from Facade Nathan’s mother, Barbara,

We've met Barbara before so we've a good idea already that she's his mother. Bear in mind as well the fact she's his mother can't be filmed. She has to show that through actions and dialogue.

I'll finish this off in the next few days or thereabouts. Good effort Rock. Keep it up.

thanks for reading it.
about my name, frankly i don't really rock much at all, lol.
I actually have no religious affiliation, and I don't practice christianity, catholicism, etc., so I'm not the best prayer expert.  thanks for the advice.
And with everything else...i'm not exactly the best writer.  I tend to tell instead of show, you know? and that's sort of channeled in my work.  I'm not the best with words, so It's hard for me to come up with a good description without using such basic words.
Anyway I really appreciate the advice, and I really hope you enjoy the rest of it. thanks

Rock,

You sound like a modest type of fella, and that's a pretty good thing. These boards are a good place to learn stuff so if you want to learn, you're in the right spot.

I'm not religious myself either. Far from it in fact.  But when I was young it was a different story.

You mentioned the tell, not show problem. There's a lot of that in the script. "School is over for the day." etc. You could do with losing all that stuff as, most of the time, it's easy enough to work out. It's probably the biggest problem the script has.

Lose all the fade in / fade out stuff.

For a while there I thought this was going to carry on at a steady pace. You caught me out around the p25. It really picked up.

I'm not a fan of CSI and that stuff but the fingerprint seemed unlikely to me on p.29

By p.41 I think I know where we're going. I'd say p.43 is ramming home your point a bit too much.

It's developing into a whodunnit. That's alright, only problem is it's been done a million times. I'm not seeing anything much that's unexpected.

The tape scene goes on a bit long. There's nothing visual there either. Put something in we can see.

As the script progresses it's not getting too exciting. The stuff with the gun sounds a bit "Murder She Wrote" for me. I'd much rather if it it was more "Columbo".

The way the cops talk is too 70's as well. These cops only talk about about the crime, as if nothing else matters. They also seem shocked by some facts about the case. From what I know of cops they're only shocked when doughnuts go up in price.

For an example of interesting and exciting cop dialogue watch 'Zodiac'.

I'm also unsure who I should be caring about here. There's no characters that hook me along. The cops are too coplike. I don't really care what happens to the parents and Zac's out of it. There's nobody to root for.

Having said all that it does twist nicely at the end. There's some good writing in there. There's also a lot that could be improved, but you pulled off a fairly decent attempt at a feature length script. Keep at it. Read some pro scripts, watch some Coen films or study whichever films you love. Anyway, well done.

Thanks again for reading it. I hope you enjoyed the story.

I agree that the beginning was very slow, and the mystery didn't even start till about page 20-ish.  I was afraid I dragged out the setup a little too long.

Yes, this could be labeled as a 'whodunnit' story...with a little twist, lol.

I agree, but as I said before, I have know idea whatsoever how people conduct investigations, so this is just based on the little knowledge I have from watching a few episodes of The Mentalist, CSI, etc.

I'm glad you liked the twist ending.  This whole script revolved around the ending--while I was developing an idea for a script, that twist was the first thing I thought of, and everything else was built around that.

Thanks for the read, and of course, the criticism.  I'll work on those if I ever decide to write another one

Hey Rock, I just finished the script and I found it quite enjoyable. I could get past the other problems mentioned above. There was just one thing that really bothered me, and it may just be me, but it didn't seem like much of a mystery.

MAJOR SPOILERS!!!!


As soon as Barbara made the phone call to 911, it was pretty obvious that she and Donald had something to do with Nathan's death. Granted, it was a very nice twist that it ended up being a suicide disguised as murder, but it would've been way more enjoyable if it wasn't made so obvious that the parent's had a part in it. Again maybe it's just me as I'm a huge fan of mystery movies and shows so I'm more perceptive to those little subtle hints.

I especially loved the "big reveal" about the gun, which again would have been way more effective if it didn't seem obvious that the parent's were behind it.

END OF MAJOR SPOILERS.



Regardless of that one problem I found the script to be well written. I would love to see you write another mystery script as you have unique ideas.

Spoilers

I sort of intended for it to seem obvious that the parents were acting suspicious.  But, I was careful to word their 'mysterious conversations' extremely carefully (up until after they search his bedroom) so that it wouldn't seem like the parents had a part in it.  

When writing it, I intended for the reader to first suspect it was a normal murder, then suspect it was Spencer, a hate-crime.  Meanwhile, they should notice the parents are acting suspicious as well as the clues that are revealed and suspect that the parents murdered him.  Then during the hospital room scene near the end, we know they wouldn't murder him, so we're questioning what could've happened.  Then the big reveal.  That's how I hoped readers would interpret it.

Well, anyways, I really happy that you enjoyed it!  Thanks for reading.

I would just say that it is probably best not to be too modest.

Many years ago I submitted a script to a well known production company with comments not unlike some of yours.

They wrote back - they read the script and liked some aspects of it but they pointed out that my comments could quite easily have lead to the script going in the bin - why would they waste their time with something if even the writer didn't have any faith in it!

Writers, as a general rule, are wracked with doubt about their own work - I certainly am! - but the trick is never to show it or admit it to anyone - and especially never to anyone who you want to read your script!!!

I hope you choose to keep on writing - you may find you have no choice actually as writing is very addictive!

Good luck.

Thanks for posting!

This is actually based on a script I wrote at 15 (i'm 18 now), and I basically rewrote it from page one.  After taking a few film courses, I realized how 'film-noir'-ish the original plot was, and I was quite fascinated by them, so I challenged myself to write a film noir.  I intentionally tried to make it imitate other noir films in terms of story, dialogue, themes, tropes, etc.  I would really love feedback on if it actually works, if I was successful with that, and of course everything else!  Thanks.

Hi Rock

Seen you making an effort around here so I thought I'd have a read of some of your work.

Read up to page 28 so far and I have to say, I can't find anything wrong with the writing apart from one little thing... When I first see Barbara, she's making a phone call to the police to report her missing child. There isn't any desperation in her voice or anything like that. This might be a character thing you've specifically given to Barbara, but it doesn't sit right with me.

I'll warn you in advance, I know nothing about film noir, so I'm basing my review on my own experience.

I'll post the full review when I'm finished.

Daniel

I'm in the process of giving this a quick read - a quick question - p7 you've got Barbara in 'thick red lipstick' - is this intentional (as in Spielberg) ... ?

Thanks for reading!

danbotha - good point, but you're right, it was more of a character moment for Barbara - she's always composed in the presence of others.  But I'll take another look

SiColl007 - I'm not sure what the association between Spielberg and lipstick is... so I have to say no, it wasn't intentional, haha.

thanks again for taking a look, hope you like the rest of it.