Quoted from rock. I'm not sure what the association between Spielberg and lipstick is...

Gulp! Hope I'm not showing my age here ... Schindler's List was a B&W film that contained a small girl who wore a red coat - the only color in the film.

I'm actually quite horrified to realise that the film was out before you were born ...

Ohhh, I see what you're saying!  I thought you were referring to the lipstick part, not the red part.  I actually have seen Schindler's List.  And no, it wasn't intentional, I just ended up being a bit descriptive, describing colors and stuff, disregarding whether or not it was in black and white.  Sorry for the confusion there!

Gave it a bit of a read - to p40.

A couple of minors:

- Barbara and Grayson walk abreast each other down a ...
- The bus squeak to a halt in front of Nathan

INT. ADAMSON HOME, DINING ROOM - MORNING (3 MONTHS AGO)
Did you want the audience to see the three months bit? Maybe better to put it into a SUPER

It's well written, but it does appear to be a little bit slow, and some of the beginning is over-written.

Quite a bit of the dialogue is overly long - I think much of it can be trimmed somewhat.

By p24, I starting to wonder a little bit ...

1. About the story-line, especially in regard to the log-line. I was under the impression that Grayson would be the main protagonist and we would be following his story-line, but we appear to be more focussed on Nathan and his parents.

2. I'm also wondering about the story-line full stop - I think at this stage, events should be drawing us in, and focussing us toward a specific direction - it's difficult to say 'what' this is about at this stage - if you were watching this on TV without the aid of a log-line, you'd probably be wondering what's it about ... ?

I think it may be possible to partially address this if, for instance, Grayson went to see the priest, and the priest re-told these events from his point of view? Either way, Grayson does his detective piece a little later on - possible that he could do this a little earlier.

Overall, the writing's good, but I think it maybe needs tightening, and a little intrigue injecting into it. Just my thoughts, though - other may think different.

Best of luck with it.

Quoted from Forgive Gulp! Hope I'm not showing my age here ... Schindler's List was a B&W film that contained a small girl who wore a red coat - the only color in the film. I'm actually quite horrified to realise that the film was out before you were born ...

I'm just going to quickly pop it in... Schindler's List is a great movie... that's all  

Thanks SiColl007 for the comments!

Out of the few reviews I've gotten already, half said this script was fast-paced, and the other said the pacing lagged a bit... I think you're right in that others could think different!

You brought up a good point about Grayson.  This is one of my bigger struggles that I was hoping to get a little help with, was how to integrate him better into the plot other than him just being the detective.  Also, I felt it was important to show the flashbacks at the beginning that show the lives of these characters to setup the story, and I think it would all make more sense at the end of the script.  Maybe I should find a way to integrate it better in a more intriguing way...  

Anyways, thanks for the comments!

Quoted from rock. This is one of my bigger struggles that I was hoping to get a little help with, was how to integrate him better into the plot other than him just being the detective.

Yeah - I fully understand this - it's a key point in many scripts - I think (? I'm guessing here) that what you are looking for is the 'key theme(s)' of the story: Okay, it's about finding the child's killer - but the subtext - is that about regret (?) - does the mother start to question her believe system - how she raised the child etc. - and from there you 'maybe' say how do you tie that theme in with the detective - does he (for example) have any regrets - and this becomes part of the character arc that underlies the story.

Quoted from rock. Also, I felt it was important to show the flashbacks at the beginning that show the lives of these characters to setup the story ...

Again, this is correct, but the term 'show the lives' can lead to blandness - exposing the character (flaws) gives a basis from which the character arc develops.

Again, just my thoughts, but good luck with it.

Hi Rock

Finally finished the script. I have to say that since my last reply I found little wrong with it. Generally, it was well-written, making this one quite easy to get through. In fact, the only reason my reply hasn't come any sooner is because my computer crashed recently and I haven't been able to get back to you.

I think you might want to emphasize the fact that this one is supposed to be flamed in b/w. Other people might disagree with me here, but I often found myself forgetting that this one wasn't in color, which is a pity because it really is a great (yet simple) technique to use to give it a 1950's film. So, maybe make your readers more aware of this...? I don't know, that's just what I think.

Thumbs up for keeping me thinking. I can't tell you the number of times I thought I had the mystery sorted out, but no, you had to keep throwing that in my face. I'm not going to ruin it for any other readers, so I wont say what actually happens.

Personally, I would have more suspects. Once you cleared Spencer's name, it was really down to the parents. I didn't work it out, but other readers might. Maybe, instead of having just one bully, have a couple, just to make your suspect list a little longer.

Hope this helps!

Overall, I liked it. It was well-written and you kept me thinking, even if your suspect list was a little short. Good job on this one. Hope to see more from you in the near future.

Daniel

Hey Daniel,

Thanks very much for giving it a read!  I'm glad I could throw you for a loop a bit!  I think you're right too, more suspects would make the story a little more complex, I'm just not sure how to integrate those in yet, but I'm thinking about it.  As of right now, I don't think the story and Grayson's characterization is convoluted enough to be noir-worthy... It's probably just a standard murder mystery.  Thank you so much for reading it though, I really appreciate it.

Hey all again.  I just resubmitted a revised draft of this, so hopefully it'll be up soon.  I took some comments from other reviewers regarding Grayson's character, and added a little backstory and hopefully made him more significant to the plot other than being just the detective, and with some more twists and turns.  I also hopefully added some new scenes that would contribute to the whole "noir" atmosphere that I've attempted with this script.

Hey Rock,

Got to finish it. Not looking at the previous comments, so going in this fresh.

My thoughts:

SPOILERS!

Some people might complain about this having a lot of dialogue. However, I think they use to talk a lot in black and white films. lol. But you might want to consider shaving off a bit.

I like the twist however, try to make it not obvious. Have more shady characters. Throw us off guard at times.

I don't know about the kid beating up the other kid with a bat. I say just a regular beat down with fists is sufficient.

I don't think you need to involve the detective's secret about his wife in this. It seems to coincidental.

What about making her like the guy from The Stepfather? She's looking for perfection but can't. Kill the husband and kid.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

It looks good.

I'll take a look at it and I'll reply here once I finished.

=D

I haven't read all the comments. I started writing my review and it got really busy really fast. Here's my first part. I got to page 7.

I’m going to take notes as I read the script. I’ll only put page numbers if something specific happens on a particular page. I assume you know your script well enough to follow along without needing page numbers for every instance. These are all first impressions and there will be a epilogue, if you will, on the overall impression. When I write my comments, I tend to get a little heavy. You may not like that. Take what you will. I’ve been writing a long time and I know what makes scripts work.

Title: I like it.

Including opening credits in a spec script is usually frowned upon. It also takes up space that you may need later. As it is written, without the credits, it reads that the credits would be a good place for them anyway. Leave it or not, it’s up to you.

How does the audience know the color of the room if everything is in black and white? Leave those details to the production designer.

Because it’s going to happen anyway, put “woman’s hand” when Barbara picks up the phone. And describe the hand… if it’s her left hand, she’ll be wearing an expensive wedding ring, right? Other hand might have a large ruby, or a diamond bracelet. Seems Barbara has money. These little details add up.

You’ve introduced Barbara in the painting at 44 years old… Is it a recent painting? Is she still 44 when she answers the phone? I know it’s a small detail, but if she’s not 44 when she answers the phone, then you need to either put in her new age, or take out 44 from the painting introduction.

Her opening monologue is awkward. Completely void of emotion. The words are stuffy. Is this how your mother would’ve reacted if you went missing? Also, police departments don’t immediately go after missing kids until they’ve been missing/gone for at least 24 hours.

Have you thought about adding the lines she’s hearing? That way, it’ll break up this monologue and you can get rid of the (beat)s. Actors hate reading (beat)s. It’s basically your way of telling them how to do their jobs. Instead, (listens) would be better, since that’s the action their doing. You can’t act out (beat). Does Barbara smoke? Maybe she lights up while she hears the other guy. Or she takes a drink of her martini? Whatever. Give the actor something to do besides (beat). And fix up that line. It’s weird. Even if she is perfect, she’s alone in her home and her child is missing. The façade might crack, even a little.

You understand that LA is in the middle of the desert. There’s not a “thick forest” until you get to Oregon. Even when you go east, it’s desert until you get to east Texas.

Photographers, reporters, and police detectives need to all be capitalized since extras will be playing these parts. Same goes for police officers. How many are there at present, and how many come with the avalanche of cop cars? Sounds like a lot. That’s a lot of money. When you’re writing, always think of budget. While extras may be free, the food is not.

The detectives’ dialogue sounds like an imitation. I understand that you’re trying to get that Maltese Falcon feel, but it shouldn’t sound forced. It shouldn’t.

If Wallace and Grayson get there at the same time, how does Wallace know anything? Wouldn’t it be better, and more likely, that Grayson asks one of the detectives already on the scene? How do they know it’s Nathan? If Wallace knows, wouldn’t he have told Grayson on the way?

I actually would start the movie here. Cut out the photo stuff. Cut Barbara’s line. Start with them finding the body. The next scene is an establishing shot of the house, which you should’ve had earlier but I didn’t say anything.

I hate montages. You have two in the first five pages. I’m worried that there will be more. If used too much, it’s like a crutch. Montages slow movies down.

You need to learn about subtext. In Barbara’s line after she answers the phone, she asks, “You found my son?” Then she (listens). Her actions imply that she knows her son is dead without her having to say it. Cut that line. And no more BEATS! That small scene ends “Her hand slowly moves to her chest as she tries to calm herself.” The second line – cut it. It ruins the momentum.

Usually, people kept telephones next to chairs, so they could sit and talk. She should probably sit down while taking both phone calls, if you want to keep the awkward monologue. Actors find it awkward to stand around. Sitting is more natural.

If I was editing this film, I would cut from “words from her mouth” to the shot of Dennis at his desk, reading reports. The audience knows it’s Barbara. The audience should never know what’s going to happen next. Always keep them even with the protagonist. If they don’t know enough, they get confused. If they know too much, they get bored. (Suspense is different but this ain’t it.)

Donald sits at his desk working. That gives a lot of way. What does he do? Banker? Lawyer? Teacher? Is he doing paperwork? Reading over reports? Be more specific. These are your characters. You may not like the results if you let the director, or worse, the actor, make it up. What does he office look like? Stark white? Or wood paneled? Windows? Padded cell? Is he a big wig with a secretary who tells him that his wife is on the line?

You haven’t done it a lot, but avoid orphans. You do it on page 4, when you say that Donald picks up the phone. “Up” on its own line is an orphan and takes up space. Try to avoid these in action lines and in dialogue. Rewrite to get rid of them.

Why doesn’t Barbara go to his office? She needs him. Film works better when two people are in the same room. And we’re only on page four. You’ve got a lot of phone calls happening. Talking heads are boring, as well. If she goes to the office, you’ve got a lot more room for conflict.
Barbara’s line about “identifying the body” is still really unemotional. She just found out her son died and she says, “I’ll see you tonight.” Seriously?  She’s still standing. Don’t you think, even if she is made of stone, she would’ve collapsed? If she’s with Donald, she should beg him to identify the body instead. She can’t do it.

You do what a lot of beginner writers do when they’re sharing information. Always remember that the audience is your number one priority. They know what’s happened to Nathan. They were there when the detective told Grayson. They’re there again when Grayson tells Barbara. Sure, it’s important that she knows, but what’s more important? I think it’d be a lot stronger moment if the audience and Barbara found out at the same time. Here’s what I would do: Open with the photo montage and have Barbara answer the phone. It’s the police, saying that they’ve found her son. I know it takes some of it away, namely the detectives’ introductions. Another thing that might work is if you show the detectives at the crime scene without showing the body. Maybe he’s already covered in a sheet or something. Cut their dialogue to a minimum: It’s the missing Adamson boy. They don’t know anything yet. Guess it’s time to call the family.

My reason for getting this detailed this early is that it’s your job to feed the audience information it needs at the best time to tell it. Hook them in by making them ask questions. Who’s under the sheet? Who’s answering the phone? That sorta thing. You want them asking the most questions they can ask and don’t answer those questions all at once.

So, I would start the morgue seen with them arriving at the door and Grayson asking “Are you ready to see him?” The audience can see that we’re in a morgue. The audience knows Barbara knows. Show, don’t tell. Show her looking over his body. Show her seeing the bullet wounds and the bruises. Maybe have Grayson say “He was found tied to a tree.” Show, don’t tell. Don’t have a character say something they can infer through action. It’s better for a character to kiss someone than to say, “I love you”, just as it’s better for someone to take off a wedding ring instead of saying, “I don’t love you.”

Again, learn subtext. Grayson’s dialogue is way too telling. I don’t know if it’ll pay off later, but just say that he lost a loved one. Make the audience fill in the rest by asking questions. That’s their job. Make them an active participant in the story instead of a passive observer.

I need help.

(mental)

Hey everyone, thanks for giving this a read.  Sorry I haven't replied in a while, I was making a few changes to the script.

If ya'll are still reading here, it'd mean a lot if you would read the most recent draft instead, if you've already started.  I didn't change anything you brought up Absteel, yet, but I thank you for the notes and I'll take them into consideration!  The more notable changes were just some minor details in the investigation part.

Also, I'll point out real quick, many reviewers pointed out Barbara's reaction to the news about her son, but it was intentionally supposed to be a character thing for her when I wrote it that way... that she's composed and unemotional even in dark times... but thanks for the feedback, i'll look into it.

here's the newest draft, btw: http://tinyurl.com/cmhr5sz

I'm on my phone. When I tried to download the new version, it downloaded the page that told me the file downloaded. Very weird.

If you want the rest of my neurotic notes, please email me the script. Austinbsteel@Yahoo.com