Façade by Rock Suddhi - Drama, Noir - In a "film noir" set in the 1950's, a detective investigates the murder of a teenage boy in the quintessential 50's American suburbs in which nothing is ever what it seems to be. 105 pages - pdf, format

I would've liked to see more conflict between Nathan and Spencer. Preferably sometime before the bus stop beating. Some great moments I think will be both at the school and the first time Nathan goes to the bus stop. It feels too spontaneous when Spencer arrived.

Zachary also seems too spontaneous, my thoughts were that Nathan was a completely friendless loser now there's a kid named Zachary that is friends with him?

You should specify exactly what part of the house we are in the scene heading.
( INT. NATHAN"S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY)

The scene transition at the end of page 22 would be better as

....Then she turns around and enters the

HOUSE

and closes the door behind her...

You don't need a full scene heading (INT. HOUSE - DAY) a small secondary one will do and you can cut the . . .'s


The "one week later" should be a super.

SUPER: One week later

I found it a little wierd how Grayson would just let Barbara waltz into the crime scene like that and more strangely how he openly asks her if she wants to see the body.


Why is the FBI doing the investigation?

Nathan got picked on at school? We were not shown this, he was left alone mostly.

It would've been easier to show us about the recorded conversation by using a scene where Dr. Godfrey is talking with Nathan. I think showing Nathan here will be more dramatic than just hearing his voice.

Few questions

They already charged Spencer, why was the investigation being continued?

Why did Grayson steal the files on the computer, this cannot be used as evidence in court or used to charge either one of them.

and this thing i thought was stupid. Why would the father shoot Nathan with a rare gun? Why would he shoot him at all?

Anyways i've managed to get through this, it was a good story but i wish i knew more about Nathan during school,

oh, wow, I had no idea they posted it already. lol I thought they'd notify me.

Anyway, thanks for posting it!!

and Lightfoot, thanks for reading it, I was afraid no one would, lol.  This is the very first screenplay I have ever written, so hopefully it's not that bad.  I was 15 when I wrote this (16 now), and I have almost no knowledge about crime scene investigations, and of course, scriptwriting, but I did my best. Once I learn how they actually investigate crimes, I just might go back and fix it up, lol.  I'm also not the best writer, so the writing may sound a little weird.  Spoilers! As for the dad shooting him with a gun, that was all a facade to make it look he was murdered--they didn't really think their plan through very good, lol.  And Zachary was kept secret from the knowledge of his parents because he never talked to them.  That's why we think he has no friends when he actually has one. And Grayson stole the files to verify if they matched Spencer, not to be used in court as evidence.

Anyway, I really appreciate you reading it, and I especially appreciate it that you thought the story was good. mainly because the character of Nathan is sort of inspired by my life (though not as extreme as his, of course).  So i'm glad that the whole 'no friends, and you know what(spoiler)' thing wasn't a comical addition since it's usually treated as comedy elements in most movies and TV shows.  But the whole idea of it was very serious, and I'm glad you thought it was good. Thank you!

The main thing I want readers to focus on is the mystery and the story.  Is the mystery effective?  Was it keeping you guessing until the end?  When you did read the ending, were you surprised, or was it predictable from the very start?  I was hoping to keep the reader guessing, I put as many twists as I could.

so anyway thanks for reading it, hope you enjoyed it

My accusations were going all over he place lol, at first I thought Dr. Godfrey because she had a strange aura about here in that one scene. Then Spencer

I guess the mystery was effective yes, although at some points it gets if'y. My advice is you should first of all focus more on developing Nathan's story, show us how his life at school is etc etc, then check the mystery aspect.

For being your first script it's actually a nice shot

Hello Rock,

With a name like that I have to ask, do you?

Good title. I think it's been used a few times but not by anything too famous so you'll be alright with that one. I'd say the logline isn't bad but could do with a bit of trimming.

You're 15? The only things I was writing at 15 were bad cheques. Good on you. Keep it going. You'll be pleased to know my cheques are now not quite as bouncy.

I notice on your other post you said

Quoted from The Riddle Book post ...I'm not putting as much effort into it as my first script

I'd edit that bit if I were you, it put me off. Maybe you didn't put as much effort in, but I wouldn't go spreading it about.

And finally to the script -

Quoted from Facade ...in Jesus name.

Stick an apostrophe after the prophet's name. Sorry, I'm a pedant.

Not a bad start. I can't recall the last time I saw someone saying a prayer in a film. Only Jules in Pulp Fiction springs to mind, but that wasn't really a prayer.

I'd lose all the credits and the like. They don't help. Example -

Quoted from Facade splashing his concealed face with cold water.

I worked out what you meant there but it's confusing. Just stick with the story, try and stay away from direct camera instructions.

Quoted from Facade His parents have not waken up to make him breakfast.

Not sure how that would be filmed. Try to stay with what we can see rather than what we can't.

You've a habit to which I also prone - overwriting. You focus too much on details that aren't that important. Once morning breaks you detail this kid getting dressed and then having his breakfast. You could have done this with a few lines instead of a few pages. I'm not saying these scenes are wrong, I'm saying trim all the unimportant stuff way back.

Quoted from Facade Nathan, having breaking his concentration,

Careful with those tenses. Pedants like me wince.

Er sorry if I'm coming across as harsh. For one so young this script is quite an achievement. I see very few problems with format and the ideas are pretty good so far.

The bus scene needs a bit of work. It's a scene that could with some of those details.
Lose the "Before Nathan can even utter a word, the teen sitting there immediately objects." Instead tell us where and how the teen is looking. What's his attitude?

Quoted from Facade Every kid with an open seat next to them won’t let Nathan sit there. There is no other option than to stand.

That's not bad but it could do with a bit more. Nathan has to walk up to each seat. What does each kid do? They all stop him but how? You only need to it a few times, I'm sure each kid would reject him in a slightly different way before Nathan becomes defeated.

The rest of the that scene is pretty good. The only error there is once he gets off the bus it needs a new header. I know it's not a new scene but it's a different locale.

Quoted from Facade Nathan’s mother, Barbara,

We've met Barbara before so we've a good idea already that she's his mother. Bear in mind as well the fact she's his mother can't be filmed. She has to show that through actions and dialogue.

I'll finish this off in the next few days or thereabouts. Good effort Rock. Keep it up.

thanks for reading it.
about my name, frankly i don't really rock much at all, lol.
I actually have no religious affiliation, and I don't practice christianity, catholicism, etc., so I'm not the best prayer expert.  thanks for the advice.
And with everything else...i'm not exactly the best writer.  I tend to tell instead of show, you know? and that's sort of channeled in my work.  I'm not the best with words, so It's hard for me to come up with a good description without using such basic words.
Anyway I really appreciate the advice, and I really hope you enjoy the rest of it. thanks

Rock,

You sound like a modest type of fella, and that's a pretty good thing. These boards are a good place to learn stuff so if you want to learn, you're in the right spot.

I'm not religious myself either. Far from it in fact.  But when I was young it was a different story.

You mentioned the tell, not show problem. There's a lot of that in the script. "School is over for the day." etc. You could do with losing all that stuff as, most of the time, it's easy enough to work out. It's probably the biggest problem the script has.

Lose all the fade in / fade out stuff.

For a while there I thought this was going to carry on at a steady pace. You caught me out around the p25. It really picked up.

I'm not a fan of CSI and that stuff but the fingerprint seemed unlikely to me on p.29

By p.41 I think I know where we're going. I'd say p.43 is ramming home your point a bit too much.

It's developing into a whodunnit. That's alright, only problem is it's been done a million times. I'm not seeing anything much that's unexpected.

The tape scene goes on a bit long. There's nothing visual there either. Put something in we can see.

As the script progresses it's not getting too exciting. The stuff with the gun sounds a bit "Murder She Wrote" for me. I'd much rather if it it was more "Columbo".

The way the cops talk is too 70's as well. These cops only talk about about the crime, as if nothing else matters. They also seem shocked by some facts about the case. From what I know of cops they're only shocked when doughnuts go up in price.

For an example of interesting and exciting cop dialogue watch 'Zodiac'.

I'm also unsure who I should be caring about here. There's no characters that hook me along. The cops are too coplike. I don't really care what happens to the parents and Zac's out of it. There's nobody to root for.

Having said all that it does twist nicely at the end. There's some good writing in there. There's also a lot that could be improved, but you pulled off a fairly decent attempt at a feature length script. Keep at it. Read some pro scripts, watch some Coen films or study whichever films you love. Anyway, well done.

Thanks again for reading it. I hope you enjoyed the story.

I agree that the beginning was very slow, and the mystery didn't even start till about page 20-ish.  I was afraid I dragged out the setup a little too long.

Yes, this could be labeled as a 'whodunnit' story...with a little twist, lol.

I agree, but as I said before, I have know idea whatsoever how people conduct investigations, so this is just based on the little knowledge I have from watching a few episodes of The Mentalist, CSI, etc.

I'm glad you liked the twist ending.  This whole script revolved around the ending--while I was developing an idea for a script, that twist was the first thing I thought of, and everything else was built around that.

Thanks for the read, and of course, the criticism.  I'll work on those if I ever decide to write another one

Hey Rock, I just finished the script and I found it quite enjoyable. I could get past the other problems mentioned above. There was just one thing that really bothered me, and it may just be me, but it didn't seem like much of a mystery.

MAJOR SPOILERS!!!!


As soon as Barbara made the phone call to 911, it was pretty obvious that she and Donald had something to do with Nathan's death. Granted, it was a very nice twist that it ended up being a suicide disguised as murder, but it would've been way more enjoyable if it wasn't made so obvious that the parent's had a part in it. Again maybe it's just me as I'm a huge fan of mystery movies and shows so I'm more perceptive to those little subtle hints.

I especially loved the "big reveal" about the gun, which again would have been way more effective if it didn't seem obvious that the parent's were behind it.

END OF MAJOR SPOILERS.



Regardless of that one problem I found the script to be well written. I would love to see you write another mystery script as you have unique ideas.

Spoilers

I sort of intended for it to seem obvious that the parents were acting suspicious.  But, I was careful to word their 'mysterious conversations' extremely carefully (up until after they search his bedroom) so that it wouldn't seem like the parents had a part in it.  

When writing it, I intended for the reader to first suspect it was a normal murder, then suspect it was Spencer, a hate-crime.  Meanwhile, they should notice the parents are acting suspicious as well as the clues that are revealed and suspect that the parents murdered him.  Then during the hospital room scene near the end, we know they wouldn't murder him, so we're questioning what could've happened.  Then the big reveal.  That's how I hoped readers would interpret it.

Well, anyways, I really happy that you enjoyed it!  Thanks for reading.

I would just say that it is probably best not to be too modest.

Many years ago I submitted a script to a well known production company with comments not unlike some of yours.

They wrote back - they read the script and liked some aspects of it but they pointed out that my comments could quite easily have lead to the script going in the bin - why would they waste their time with something if even the writer didn't have any faith in it!

Writers, as a general rule, are wracked with doubt about their own work - I certainly am! - but the trick is never to show it or admit it to anyone - and especially never to anyone who you want to read your script!!!

I hope you choose to keep on writing - you may find you have no choice actually as writing is very addictive!

Good luck.

Thanks for posting!

This is actually based on a script I wrote at 15 (i'm 18 now), and I basically rewrote it from page one.  After taking a few film courses, I realized how 'film-noir'-ish the original plot was, and I was quite fascinated by them, so I challenged myself to write a film noir.  I intentionally tried to make it imitate other noir films in terms of story, dialogue, themes, tropes, etc.  I would really love feedback on if it actually works, if I was successful with that, and of course everything else!  Thanks.

Hi Rock

Seen you making an effort around here so I thought I'd have a read of some of your work.

Read up to page 28 so far and I have to say, I can't find anything wrong with the writing apart from one little thing... When I first see Barbara, she's making a phone call to the police to report her missing child. There isn't any desperation in her voice or anything like that. This might be a character thing you've specifically given to Barbara, but it doesn't sit right with me.

I'll warn you in advance, I know nothing about film noir, so I'm basing my review on my own experience.

I'll post the full review when I'm finished.

Daniel

I'm in the process of giving this a quick read - a quick question - p7 you've got Barbara in 'thick red lipstick' - is this intentional (as in Spielberg) ... ?

Thanks for reading!

danbotha - good point, but you're right, it was more of a character moment for Barbara - she's always composed in the presence of others.  But I'll take another look

SiColl007 - I'm not sure what the association between Spielberg and lipstick is... so I have to say no, it wasn't intentional, haha.

thanks again for taking a look, hope you like the rest of it.

Quoted from rock. I'm not sure what the association between Spielberg and lipstick is...

Gulp! Hope I'm not showing my age here ... Schindler's List was a B&W film that contained a small girl who wore a red coat - the only color in the film.

I'm actually quite horrified to realise that the film was out before you were born ...

Ohhh, I see what you're saying!  I thought you were referring to the lipstick part, not the red part.  I actually have seen Schindler's List.  And no, it wasn't intentional, I just ended up being a bit descriptive, describing colors and stuff, disregarding whether or not it was in black and white.  Sorry for the confusion there!

Gave it a bit of a read - to p40.

A couple of minors:

- Barbara and Grayson walk abreast each other down a ...
- The bus squeak to a halt in front of Nathan

INT. ADAMSON HOME, DINING ROOM - MORNING (3 MONTHS AGO)
Did you want the audience to see the three months bit? Maybe better to put it into a SUPER

It's well written, but it does appear to be a little bit slow, and some of the beginning is over-written.

Quite a bit of the dialogue is overly long - I think much of it can be trimmed somewhat.

By p24, I starting to wonder a little bit ...

1. About the story-line, especially in regard to the log-line. I was under the impression that Grayson would be the main protagonist and we would be following his story-line, but we appear to be more focussed on Nathan and his parents.

2. I'm also wondering about the story-line full stop - I think at this stage, events should be drawing us in, and focussing us toward a specific direction - it's difficult to say 'what' this is about at this stage - if you were watching this on TV without the aid of a log-line, you'd probably be wondering what's it about ... ?

I think it may be possible to partially address this if, for instance, Grayson went to see the priest, and the priest re-told these events from his point of view? Either way, Grayson does his detective piece a little later on - possible that he could do this a little earlier.

Overall, the writing's good, but I think it maybe needs tightening, and a little intrigue injecting into it. Just my thoughts, though - other may think different.

Best of luck with it.

Quoted from Forgive Gulp! Hope I'm not showing my age here ... Schindler's List was a B&W film that contained a small girl who wore a red coat - the only color in the film. I'm actually quite horrified to realise that the film was out before you were born ...

I'm just going to quickly pop it in... Schindler's List is a great movie... that's all  

Thanks SiColl007 for the comments!

Out of the few reviews I've gotten already, half said this script was fast-paced, and the other said the pacing lagged a bit... I think you're right in that others could think different!

You brought up a good point about Grayson.  This is one of my bigger struggles that I was hoping to get a little help with, was how to integrate him better into the plot other than him just being the detective.  Also, I felt it was important to show the flashbacks at the beginning that show the lives of these characters to setup the story, and I think it would all make more sense at the end of the script.  Maybe I should find a way to integrate it better in a more intriguing way...  

Anyways, thanks for the comments!

Quoted from rock. This is one of my bigger struggles that I was hoping to get a little help with, was how to integrate him better into the plot other than him just being the detective.

Yeah - I fully understand this - it's a key point in many scripts - I think (? I'm guessing here) that what you are looking for is the 'key theme(s)' of the story: Okay, it's about finding the child's killer - but the subtext - is that about regret (?) - does the mother start to question her believe system - how she raised the child etc. - and from there you 'maybe' say how do you tie that theme in with the detective - does he (for example) have any regrets - and this becomes part of the character arc that underlies the story.

Quoted from rock. Also, I felt it was important to show the flashbacks at the beginning that show the lives of these characters to setup the story ...

Again, this is correct, but the term 'show the lives' can lead to blandness - exposing the character (flaws) gives a basis from which the character arc develops.

Again, just my thoughts, but good luck with it.

Hi Rock

Finally finished the script. I have to say that since my last reply I found little wrong with it. Generally, it was well-written, making this one quite easy to get through. In fact, the only reason my reply hasn't come any sooner is because my computer crashed recently and I haven't been able to get back to you.

I think you might want to emphasize the fact that this one is supposed to be flamed in b/w. Other people might disagree with me here, but I often found myself forgetting that this one wasn't in color, which is a pity because it really is a great (yet simple) technique to use to give it a 1950's film. So, maybe make your readers more aware of this...? I don't know, that's just what I think.

Thumbs up for keeping me thinking. I can't tell you the number of times I thought I had the mystery sorted out, but no, you had to keep throwing that in my face. I'm not going to ruin it for any other readers, so I wont say what actually happens.

Personally, I would have more suspects. Once you cleared Spencer's name, it was really down to the parents. I didn't work it out, but other readers might. Maybe, instead of having just one bully, have a couple, just to make your suspect list a little longer.

Hope this helps!

Overall, I liked it. It was well-written and you kept me thinking, even if your suspect list was a little short. Good job on this one. Hope to see more from you in the near future.

Daniel

Hey Daniel,

Thanks very much for giving it a read!  I'm glad I could throw you for a loop a bit!  I think you're right too, more suspects would make the story a little more complex, I'm just not sure how to integrate those in yet, but I'm thinking about it.  As of right now, I don't think the story and Grayson's characterization is convoluted enough to be noir-worthy... It's probably just a standard murder mystery.  Thank you so much for reading it though, I really appreciate it.

Hey all again.  I just resubmitted a revised draft of this, so hopefully it'll be up soon.  I took some comments from other reviewers regarding Grayson's character, and added a little backstory and hopefully made him more significant to the plot other than being just the detective, and with some more twists and turns.  I also hopefully added some new scenes that would contribute to the whole "noir" atmosphere that I've attempted with this script.

Hey Rock,

Got to finish it. Not looking at the previous comments, so going in this fresh.

My thoughts:

SPOILERS!

Some people might complain about this having a lot of dialogue. However, I think they use to talk a lot in black and white films. lol. But you might want to consider shaving off a bit.

I like the twist however, try to make it not obvious. Have more shady characters. Throw us off guard at times.

I don't know about the kid beating up the other kid with a bat. I say just a regular beat down with fists is sufficient.

I don't think you need to involve the detective's secret about his wife in this. It seems to coincidental.

What about making her like the guy from The Stepfather? She's looking for perfection but can't. Kill the husband and kid.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

It looks good.

I'll take a look at it and I'll reply here once I finished.

=D

I haven't read all the comments. I started writing my review and it got really busy really fast. Here's my first part. I got to page 7.

I’m going to take notes as I read the script. I’ll only put page numbers if something specific happens on a particular page. I assume you know your script well enough to follow along without needing page numbers for every instance. These are all first impressions and there will be a epilogue, if you will, on the overall impression. When I write my comments, I tend to get a little heavy. You may not like that. Take what you will. I’ve been writing a long time and I know what makes scripts work.

Title: I like it.

Including opening credits in a spec script is usually frowned upon. It also takes up space that you may need later. As it is written, without the credits, it reads that the credits would be a good place for them anyway. Leave it or not, it’s up to you.

How does the audience know the color of the room if everything is in black and white? Leave those details to the production designer.

Because it’s going to happen anyway, put “woman’s hand” when Barbara picks up the phone. And describe the hand… if it’s her left hand, she’ll be wearing an expensive wedding ring, right? Other hand might have a large ruby, or a diamond bracelet. Seems Barbara has money. These little details add up.

You’ve introduced Barbara in the painting at 44 years old… Is it a recent painting? Is she still 44 when she answers the phone? I know it’s a small detail, but if she’s not 44 when she answers the phone, then you need to either put in her new age, or take out 44 from the painting introduction.

Her opening monologue is awkward. Completely void of emotion. The words are stuffy. Is this how your mother would’ve reacted if you went missing? Also, police departments don’t immediately go after missing kids until they’ve been missing/gone for at least 24 hours.

Have you thought about adding the lines she’s hearing? That way, it’ll break up this monologue and you can get rid of the (beat)s. Actors hate reading (beat)s. It’s basically your way of telling them how to do their jobs. Instead, (listens) would be better, since that’s the action their doing. You can’t act out (beat). Does Barbara smoke? Maybe she lights up while she hears the other guy. Or she takes a drink of her martini? Whatever. Give the actor something to do besides (beat). And fix up that line. It’s weird. Even if she is perfect, she’s alone in her home and her child is missing. The façade might crack, even a little.

You understand that LA is in the middle of the desert. There’s not a “thick forest” until you get to Oregon. Even when you go east, it’s desert until you get to east Texas.

Photographers, reporters, and police detectives need to all be capitalized since extras will be playing these parts. Same goes for police officers. How many are there at present, and how many come with the avalanche of cop cars? Sounds like a lot. That’s a lot of money. When you’re writing, always think of budget. While extras may be free, the food is not.

The detectives’ dialogue sounds like an imitation. I understand that you’re trying to get that Maltese Falcon feel, but it shouldn’t sound forced. It shouldn’t.

If Wallace and Grayson get there at the same time, how does Wallace know anything? Wouldn’t it be better, and more likely, that Grayson asks one of the detectives already on the scene? How do they know it’s Nathan? If Wallace knows, wouldn’t he have told Grayson on the way?

I actually would start the movie here. Cut out the photo stuff. Cut Barbara’s line. Start with them finding the body. The next scene is an establishing shot of the house, which you should’ve had earlier but I didn’t say anything.

I hate montages. You have two in the first five pages. I’m worried that there will be more. If used too much, it’s like a crutch. Montages slow movies down.

You need to learn about subtext. In Barbara’s line after she answers the phone, she asks, “You found my son?” Then she (listens). Her actions imply that she knows her son is dead without her having to say it. Cut that line. And no more BEATS! That small scene ends “Her hand slowly moves to her chest as she tries to calm herself.” The second line – cut it. It ruins the momentum.

Usually, people kept telephones next to chairs, so they could sit and talk. She should probably sit down while taking both phone calls, if you want to keep the awkward monologue. Actors find it awkward to stand around. Sitting is more natural.

If I was editing this film, I would cut from “words from her mouth” to the shot of Dennis at his desk, reading reports. The audience knows it’s Barbara. The audience should never know what’s going to happen next. Always keep them even with the protagonist. If they don’t know enough, they get confused. If they know too much, they get bored. (Suspense is different but this ain’t it.)

Donald sits at his desk working. That gives a lot of way. What does he do? Banker? Lawyer? Teacher? Is he doing paperwork? Reading over reports? Be more specific. These are your characters. You may not like the results if you let the director, or worse, the actor, make it up. What does he office look like? Stark white? Or wood paneled? Windows? Padded cell? Is he a big wig with a secretary who tells him that his wife is on the line?

You haven’t done it a lot, but avoid orphans. You do it on page 4, when you say that Donald picks up the phone. “Up” on its own line is an orphan and takes up space. Try to avoid these in action lines and in dialogue. Rewrite to get rid of them.

Why doesn’t Barbara go to his office? She needs him. Film works better when two people are in the same room. And we’re only on page four. You’ve got a lot of phone calls happening. Talking heads are boring, as well. If she goes to the office, you’ve got a lot more room for conflict.
Barbara’s line about “identifying the body” is still really unemotional. She just found out her son died and she says, “I’ll see you tonight.” Seriously?  She’s still standing. Don’t you think, even if she is made of stone, she would’ve collapsed? If she’s with Donald, she should beg him to identify the body instead. She can’t do it.

You do what a lot of beginner writers do when they’re sharing information. Always remember that the audience is your number one priority. They know what’s happened to Nathan. They were there when the detective told Grayson. They’re there again when Grayson tells Barbara. Sure, it’s important that she knows, but what’s more important? I think it’d be a lot stronger moment if the audience and Barbara found out at the same time. Here’s what I would do: Open with the photo montage and have Barbara answer the phone. It’s the police, saying that they’ve found her son. I know it takes some of it away, namely the detectives’ introductions. Another thing that might work is if you show the detectives at the crime scene without showing the body. Maybe he’s already covered in a sheet or something. Cut their dialogue to a minimum: It’s the missing Adamson boy. They don’t know anything yet. Guess it’s time to call the family.

My reason for getting this detailed this early is that it’s your job to feed the audience information it needs at the best time to tell it. Hook them in by making them ask questions. Who’s under the sheet? Who’s answering the phone? That sorta thing. You want them asking the most questions they can ask and don’t answer those questions all at once.

So, I would start the morgue seen with them arriving at the door and Grayson asking “Are you ready to see him?” The audience can see that we’re in a morgue. The audience knows Barbara knows. Show, don’t tell. Show her looking over his body. Show her seeing the bullet wounds and the bruises. Maybe have Grayson say “He was found tied to a tree.” Show, don’t tell. Don’t have a character say something they can infer through action. It’s better for a character to kiss someone than to say, “I love you”, just as it’s better for someone to take off a wedding ring instead of saying, “I don’t love you.”

Again, learn subtext. Grayson’s dialogue is way too telling. I don’t know if it’ll pay off later, but just say that he lost a loved one. Make the audience fill in the rest by asking questions. That’s their job. Make them an active participant in the story instead of a passive observer.

I need help.

(mental)

Hey everyone, thanks for giving this a read.  Sorry I haven't replied in a while, I was making a few changes to the script.

If ya'll are still reading here, it'd mean a lot if you would read the most recent draft instead, if you've already started.  I didn't change anything you brought up Absteel, yet, but I thank you for the notes and I'll take them into consideration!  The more notable changes were just some minor details in the investigation part.

Also, I'll point out real quick, many reviewers pointed out Barbara's reaction to the news about her son, but it was intentionally supposed to be a character thing for her when I wrote it that way... that she's composed and unemotional even in dark times... but thanks for the feedback, i'll look into it.

here's the newest draft, btw: http://tinyurl.com/cmhr5sz

I'm on my phone. When I tried to download the new version, it downloaded the page that told me the file downloaded. Very weird.

If you want the rest of my neurotic notes, please email me the script. Austinbsteel@Yahoo.com