Illustrious Solitude by E. nigma - Drama - All the money in the world can’t heal old wounds. 17 pages - html, format

I am not sure where to start.

Minor point first perhaps. It's alright using Final Draft - but really this would have benefited enormously from being exported as a pdf file. It is much easier to read, and more professional looking.

This is a small quibble though. This script suffers from much bigger problems. It is, basically, endless dialogue. Serena and Simone, Simone and Cade, Cade and Serena. This might have been OK if the dialogue was interesting. It isn't. It has no natural rhythm, no feel of being something real people might actually say. This is the second script I have read today with this problem.

Because of this I pretty much tuned out the story, what there was of it. It just seems to go on and on! My staying power was not great enough to deal with it. If you can't even keep someone reading until the end of a short, your script has a problem.

The descriptive passages had a similar problem to the dialogue - they did not hold the attention, my eyes just sliding over the sentences!

"Cade is about to say something else, but Simone nods him off. Cade nods as Serena walks upstairs. She stops at the top of the stairwell and looks at Simone."

This just does nothing for me at all.

Also - while they are minor characters at the start of the script, why are two characters, both with dialogue (one substantial), referred to just as "The Male" and "The Woman"? It just felt so unnatural - though in this it fitted in with the rest of the script!

Sorry - I just cannot find anything positive to say about this script. I don't like being negative - I'd prefer to find something I could pick out as a positive element, but this script just leaves me completely cold.

Quoted from Don Illustrious Solitude by E. nigma - Short, Drama - All the money in the world can’t heal old wounds. 7 pages - html, format

When I first starting reading this, I thought to myself oh no, not another redundant sex scene at the beginning of a short.

However the more I read the more I was intrigued by the situation and as a result, it somewhat put the whole "basic instinct" sex scene into perspective.

Here is what I liked about your script.

The characters felt dark, and a little perverse and this was what kept me hooked. Also, I didn't mind the dialogue, since what was being said was actually compelling for those who actually cared to pay attention.

Let me assert, people do sound like this in the real world, (obviously you do) albeit a certain kind of people which is not generalizing it too much.

This script felt like Mullholland Drive Los Angeles film nior. Where people are not what they seem and have a hidden agenda.

What I didn't like about the script is the ending and the one dimensional feme fetal lead. She is a bitch, but a bitch without substance or charm.

Did you hate this character as you wrote her? If you did it shows.

I liked the man, but once again his role was limited to a one dimensional archtype that left little to chew on. I wanted more, and I wish you went deeper with this character.

This script ended with absolutely no closure or climax. It just ended which is tragic, because if done write, I think you could have made this script feel like Twin Peaks.

Even though simone felt like she was playing an important part. It's never clear what part she is actually playing. This is again another perfect example of pretentious writing that simply fails because the writing oversights some important clues that could have given this riddle life.

Fix the ending, make the lead bitch with deeper issues (but keep her sociopathic qualities intact). As you rewrite, leave the dialogue to the very end. If you can show without saying, your dialogue will lift off the page as movie dialogue.

Overall a good attempt but nothing more.

Thanks for your feed back. Couple of things;

First, this is not a short. Don't know how this was placed in the short list here, but oh well.

Next, I agree it just ended. To be honest, I was looking for more of a dramatic ending, but I agree that could have been done a lot better.

Inquiringmind, I wouldn't say I hated the character as I was writing her, but I wanted to make her just a plain bitch. No joy in life whatsoever. The idea was to make her look that way, but eventually explain why she is what she is. Maybe I made her a little too dark.

Simone could have been built upon more, i agree. The script already ran long, so I didn't have much more development on the other two main characters as I would have liked.

Niles Crane, I appreciate your thoughts as well, but I don't think the dialog is as bad as you say it is. I think the conversations they have are normal conversations that normal people would have, now whether it's interesting or not may have been more of an argument, and I will admit some of the conversation is a little drawn out, but I think it gives the characters an attitude that you can associate with them. Sorry if it left you cold, but it is what it is in that aspect.

Also, this was an older script I wrote, so this was made with the final draft software. I know it looks awkward, but it's just for friends reading, nothing I'd send out to anyone.

Again, thank you both for your feedback, I will take your suggestions as I review the draft.