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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  My Brother, My Angel: His Kidney Saved My Life Moderators: bert
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  Author    My Brother, My Angel: His Kidney Saved My Life  (currently 981 views)
Don
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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My Brother, My Angel: His Kidney Saved My Life by Lonzo Lucas II (llonzo1) - Drama - A  man searching for a new start in life, contracts a deadly disease and finds out the true meaning of what it means to be alive. 50 pages - doc, format


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Lightfoot
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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I personaly really like the premise you chose here, good work on that.

but the problems start to show the instant I open up the script. There is no title page for this, why?

Don't use a comma in a scene heading, only a period and dashes.
INT. LYNWOOD HIGH SCHOOL - BOY'S BATHROOM - AFTERNOON

There is no action following this scene heading, I understand that this scene is not very important and a bathroom is pretty simply to imagine, but a little description of who and what we are looking at wouldn't hurt.

I had to stop at page 12, the story seems lose and a bit broken up to me and it starts off way too quick for a feature script. All the first 10 pages seem pointless to me, I never really got a feeling of the inside/emotional story of Roy, infact there is nothing much to keep the attention of the reader in these pages either.

I can see that you never describe any of the scenes after the scene headings.

This can easily be a powerful story, you just need a bit more practice in writing screenplays.
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