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My Brother, My Angel: His Kidney Saved My Life by Lonzo Lucas II (llonzo1) - Drama - A man searching for a new start in life, contracts a deadly disease and finds out the true meaning of what it means to be alive. 50 pages - doc, format
I personaly really like the premise you chose here, good work on that.
but the problems start to show the instant I open up the script. There is no title page for this, why?
Don't use a comma in a scene heading, only a period and dashes. INT. LYNWOOD HIGH SCHOOL - BOY'S BATHROOM - AFTERNOON
There is no action following this scene heading, I understand that this scene is not very important and a bathroom is pretty simply to imagine, but a little description of who and what we are looking at wouldn't hurt.
I had to stop at page 12, the story seems lose and a bit broken up to me and it starts off way too quick for a feature script. All the first 10 pages seem pointless to me, I never really got a feeling of the inside/emotional story of Roy, infact there is nothing much to keep the attention of the reader in these pages either.
I can see that you never describe any of the scenes after the scene headings.
This can easily be a powerful story, you just need a bit more practice in writing screenplays.