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One Last Christmas (7WC) by Jon Barton (Jonnyboy) - Drama - Eddie, a grumpy, recently-deceased pensioner, is stuck in Limbo. His only hope of getting to Heaven is to help an unhappy child enjoy the festive season. There’s just one problem: Eddie hates Christmas…85 pages - pdf, format
[Note from Author below]
TO ANYONE THINKING OF READING THIS: Thanks very much for your interest. This is a flawed, rushed first draft written for a SS challenge that I've had some great feed back on, and I know what needs changing. I'm leaving it for a few months while I work on other projects, but once I get round to a rewrite then I'll happily accept, and return, your read. I don't want you to waste your time on something I'm leaving for now! Thanks again, Jon
This one was good. I’m pleased to report that this is another quick read, a very entertaining one at that. Like before, I won’t mention anything about typos or the like as it is a first draft and I’m sure you will catch them all with a few reads through.
This was an entertaining story with some great characters and would make a great family film for the holidays. All your characters worked for me, especially Eddie. The first scene with the water pistol was perfect, it shows us the kind of person Eddie is right away in the first few pages. I honestly couldn’t find fault in the first ten pages. Your writing had me hooked and the story was moving along nicely with Eddie just arriving in the massive departure lounge with billions of people (have you used that idea or something similar in a short script before?). However, after that point, the wheels started to come off for me.
For me, the biggest problem was the pacing after page 10. The departure lounge scene went on for ages, I think it was page 37 or something before we get to know what the rest of the script is going to be about, in this case, Eddie having to make the boy happy. I think that’s far too long and cuts need to be made. An example would be the pay phones scene in the departure lounge. I think it serves no purpose to the story as he is put on hold on the phone as he is so many thousands back in the queue before he can ask them the questions he has but two minutes later he is in Gabriel’s office and he tells him everything he wants to know. There could be more cuts you could make here to bring Eddie’s introduction with the boy sooner, which is what I honestly think you need to do.
As much as I thought the departure lounge scene dragged, once Eddie actually started helping the boy, everything went in too quickly. This is probably because you had to write so many pages in one day to complete this on the orders of the mighty Don. Eddie finds out what truly makes Tim happy far too quickly and sets out to make this reunion with his mother happen right away. You should play about with him a bit more, have Eddie try everything but it’s still not enough for Tim and make Eddie wonder why the hell he it isn't enough. Then you can make him realise that he would be truly happy with his real mother and go from there.
It is also a problem that Eddie doesn’t really need to work hard to achieve all this. At first, he just does things off a list that Tim writes, nothing off the top of his head. He doesn’t know where Tim’s mother is, so he heads back to the departure lounge and reads the exact location from a file. Sorry, that doesn’t work. He should be made to figure it out for himself, if the departure lounge does anything, make them give him a clue, nothing more. Eddie has to work for this, it is, after all, a ticket to Heaven and shouldn’t come this easy. Also, there is no real obstacles. I thought he would really be in the sh!t when the energy glass ran out but no, they just called a Taxi. Again, I think some of this needs a rethink. It really shouldn’t be this easy for him.
I liked the ending. It was quite touching and worked well for me. I didn’t like how there were no real ending for Tim’s foster parents. Sure, his father is a douche, but his mother seemed okay. I think she should be involved somewhere, maybe she could agree to let him stay with his real mother after she sees with her own eyes how happy he is with her. Maybe I missed it, but what’s the story with Tim’s real father?
Anyway, that’s all I can think of right now. Again, this was entertaining but could be really good if you focus on the pacing in your next draft. Top work and well done for completing the challenge. I hope some of this helps.
Hi Brian, thanks for the read. You're absolutely right in everything you say - the pacing is way, way off. Eddie needs to spend much longer trying to make Tim happy, and Act 3 is woefully short. I agree the Terminal scenes probably need cuts; it's a pity, because I actually like the first 40 pages of this (much less keen on everything after Eddie arrives back down on Earth). However, if you felt it dragged, then obviously that's a major problem. I know that the change in pace is, as it currently stands, very jarring - this is undoubtedly a very uneven first draft.
Good points about it stuff just happening to Eddie without any real effort on his part - again, I agree, and will look to fix that. I wanted Act 3 to be a real rush to get to reunite Tim and Isobel in time, but right now it just happens far too easily. I'll probably completely rewrite that section, to be honest. It's encouraging that the moment where he realises he has no angelic energy left had that effect on you, since that was what I was aiming for. But I agree that it has no real impact on events.
Thanks for the compliments about the characters. Eddie was fun to write - I took a good dollop of inspiration from Carl in Up. Good point about the foster parents, actually - I'll look to find a way to have Julie involved at the end. Maybe some sort of letter Tim leaves in his room saying he's going to Trafalgar Square? That could work. Another good point about Tim's father - this question occured to me as I was writing. I tried to throw in a line referencing the father, but I definitely need to find a proper answer to that one.
Thanks very much for the read, and glad you found it entertaining. I'm definitely not done with this one yet; once I've let people have a good look at it for the next few weeks, I'm going to pull it off the boards and give it a proper rewrite. I'm glad to have finished a feature-length screenplay, but it's certainly far from done. Your review is the first step on that process, so thank you.
Hi Jonny, just read this. Wow, another quick read! Good stuff. I was sort of preparing myself to not really get into this- i'm not a drama fan - but i really enjoyed it! I would almost class it as comedy: it isn't overly funny but there's some good lines, and the potential for slapstick(Eddie flying through the lift as an example). No, i was pleasantly surprised. Sure, the setup was a bit cliched and evokes those old 50's sort of Christmasy films(though there were shades of City of Angels
Your writing and formatting were done well, and the characters stood up. Is Eddie Neezer a homage to Ebenzer Scrogge? The real good bit for me was that Isobel was Tim's mum! Ok, you sort of thought she was gonna be Eddie's daughter, but then for her to be Tim's mum, well, good shit man! Maybe it was obvious to some but I didn't click unitl Eddie went to her house. nice! The only odd thing I found was at the icerink - Eddie makes the WHOLE THING RUMBLE TO LIFE? Was it like a revolving rink or something?(sorry, but that phrase was funny to me for some reason). I kind of know what you were trying to say, it just seemed odd reading it!
Ok Jonny, better go. Nice job here, especially as you were struggling to get it done. You now have heaps of time and helpful feedback to work on it, as we all do, when they are all commented on. And thanks again for being the catalyst for this huge event!
Next, I'll read Gary's, then Sandra's, then Blakwolffes....cheers all
Thanks for running the 7WC. I and the others owe you a big thank you for getting us off our butts and getting us to feature length players.
Your premise is great. I liked what this early draft could be. Here are my notes as I was reading your script.
Logline and title page – Check.
Format – minor typos – Check.
Style – Straight forward – Check.
Dialogue – Definitely longish in places. This is hard to avoid when the characters have to explain the rules. One thing you could try, for example, when Eddie is being told about the angelic powers have him and Gabriel (maybe add in Michael too) to have it be more interactive like a game.
EDDIE What can I do?
GABRIEL Well, you can’t do this…
MICHAEL But, you can do this…
EDDIE Is there a limit?
GABRIEL Yes…
MICHAEL Let me tell him about the…
GABRIEL Now, you try…
This is a bare bones example but this type of approach can make exposition a bit less like work.
I kept hearing Ed Asner as Eddie. I just saw him on the TV recently.
-- Story --
When Eddie is reviewing his past mean nature with Gabriel I suddenly realized Neezer was a clever twist on Scrooge’s name. Duh. And Tim Little.
Gabriel’s character was a cool way to get that Ghost of Christmas Past in there.
Clever the way you weaved Isobel and Tim in as lost family.
We didn’t meet Tim until we were 40+ pages into this.
“Billions and billions” sounded like Carl Sagan’s catchphrase. Don’t know if this was intended or not. Funny. BTW, I don’t know if anyone can actually see billions of anything.
You’re story was well paced until after the Lounge. Things went a little too fast. We need a scene or two more with Eddie and Tim to buy into their transformation. I could feel the clock ticking though.
I liked the way you worked in the comment about some souls sort of going catatonic before getting to heaven. That’s the stuff I like to see ever so slightly sprinkled in a script.
The PPP was a program that I think a lot souls would try rather than wait in Limbo.
For a bit of comedy, you could have Eddie make some mistakes with his magic.
Isobel went along with the Eddie’s explanation too quickly.
Eddie’s wife may be an area for exploration.
-- Characters --
Eddie was my favorite. Tim needed a bit more depth.
One Last Christmas. Thanks for running this challenge, man. Here are my thoughts:
Is it normal to give money out to people that sing carols?
Why is “twenty dollar bill” in capitals? As is “ A jet of water”. I say have it not in capitals. The readers aren’t idiots, we know what they would look like. Stan sighing is enough, we don’t need to call Eddie a “grumpy old – “ Good speech by Eddie. It works.
The whole limbo thing has been done many times before, it’s not really that original. There is a short on here very similar to the scene you have now. But I know it’s important to the story, so lets keep on going.
How is Eddie unable to talk to someone on the phone, because of the cue, then talk to an angel who explains everything?
Gabriel is too normal. Give him a personality, change the way he talks.
The skipping to the past... again, been done before so many times. Also, we haven’t been explained Eddie’s goal yet, and I’m at page 30. It should have been done around page 15. Cut out the going back in time, and have Gabriel just tell him the examples, I say.
Is the Russian subtitled? Specify.
Six hours passed when Eddie jumped the first time, then they go to many different places, without time passing. Explanation soon, I hope...
Isobel is Eddie’s daughter?! I saw it coming, but I was hoping you wouldn’t do it. Too many coincidences for me.
Okay, the ending. It’s okay, but I don’t think it really works. Everyone is happy, reunited, then Eddie just leaves. And we don’t know what happens to him. I don’t know how you would get around this...
Also, Eddie’s “changing” is superficial. He wouldn’t be a nicer person from what happened, because it all came too easily. Also, catching the taxi to Tim was too easy too.
So my overall feeling is this was okay, but needs a big rewrite. Make the 3rd act longer, the first act shorter, cut down on the big chunks of dialogue, give the characters more voice, some of them sound the same, have the characters deeper. Well done finishing a feature! Format and stuff was fine. Well done.
Hey Stevie, Gary and Tommy. Thanks for reading. I’ll reply to your reviews in the order you gave them, and then I’ll get started on your scripts in that order, too. First come, first served!
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1. Okay, Stevie first.
- Yeah, it is to a certain extent, a comedy. I wasn’t sure whether to submit it as a comedy or drama; in the end I sort of went with the easier route, since ‘Comedy’ carries a certain weight of expectation with it in terms of laugh-out-loudness. The old Christmas films like It’s a Wonderful Life are really drama intended to make you smile, and while they have comical moments, making you laugh isn’t their primary aim. Since I was trying to recreate that kind of film, I felt ‘Drama’ was more fitting. That’s why I was pleased to see you say that it “evokes those old 50’s sort of Christmassy films” – that’s the idea! ; I totally agree there are moments of slapstick, which I have absolutely no shame in including.
-Yes, Eddie Neezer is a homage to Ebenezer Scrooge. Tim’s surname is Little, which is a slight reordering of the name Tiny Tim. And the more obscure one, which no-one really picked up on (with good reason, since it’s sort of lame) is that Isobel is a tweak of the name of Scrooge’s long-lost love, Belle. None of that is particularly interesting, but I thought there was no harm in acknowledging the debt I owe to Dickens in this story. It’s good you didn’t pick up on the fact that Isobel would turn out to be Tim’s mum – I think it’s a good little twist, and while at the moment I handle it very clumsily, I think that’s fixable with a rewrite or two.
- Interesting comment about the ice rink line; I’ll go back to it, reword it slightly. I meant the lights, music, etc. But I see it’s not that clear.
- Overall, thanks for the positive review! You’re totally welcome about the 7WC – just pleased we actually got it off the ground, followed through and produced some results. I’ll get cracking on Headlong today, and should have a review up soon.
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2. Right, now Gary:
- You’re welcome. I was happy to do it, and thank you all for taking part. You should all be very pleased with yourselves for finishing a feature, especially if it’s your first one (I know I am!)
- Thanks for the comment on the premise. Originally I had a completely different idea in mind - someone working as a Santa in a London department store who strikes up an unlikely friendship with an unhappy child – but as soon as I thought of this I knew I wanted to go with it. I do see potential in the concept, but I definitely haven’t done it justice yet.
- Yeah, the dialogue may be slightly long. I’ll look to shorten it where possible, and maybe make it a bit more conversation-ey. It’s really rather cool you imagined Eddie as Ed Asner, since Carl in Up was a big reference point for Eddie’s character.
- I see that it’s probably necessary to bring the introduction of Tim forward in the script. I decided to drop in a quick glimpse of Isobel way before we actually meet her...perhaps something similar for Tim? I may have to end up cutting large chunks of the scenes in the Terminal; however, I think revisiting the past is an inherently Christmassy thing (people stage nativities, after all, which are essentially historical re-enactments), and so I don’t really want to lose the Gabriel-in-the-past scenes. I too like the idea that some people slip into a sort of coma if they spend too long in Limbo – I’m sure all of us have felt like that when stuck in a really long queue!
- Yep, the pacing is way off after the Terminal. Everything from page 45-ish onwards will probably be completely stripped away and rewritten. I knew what I wanted to happen, and I knew where I wanted to end up, but at the moment the path there is scrambled and, frankly, quite poor. Extensive restructuring is needed.
- Your comment about the PPP...true, true. I’ll look at that. I need a way to explain why EVERYONE doesn’t do it. The idea I have is that not a lot of people know about it, or that hardly anyone is eligible for it...that needs firming up, though. Eddie has some very obvious unfinished business, and by going down to Earth he can make a real difference to people he has a connection to (although he doesn’t know who Tim is when he’s ‘assigned’ to him). That’s why Eddie is eligible for the PPP. Of course, telling you this now is one another; sewing it into the script in an unobtrusive and coherent way is quite another!
- Yes, the Eddie-Izzie scene is far, far too quick. The next version will be very different from this, and I imagine it won’t just take place in her living room – he’ll have to track her down somewhere in London. I might add more about Eddie’s wife; like Tim’s foster parents, and possibly Tim’s father (although probably not the latter), she probably deserves to have more of a role. Tim is a bit bland at the moment – I really enjoyed writing Eddie, so now I’ll look to concentrate more on Tim.
- Thanks for the helpful comments and compliments. I’ll have a review of Prince of Coal in the next couple of days. Thanks for reading, and taking part.
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3. Right, now the far-more-critical Tommy This response will come across as more defensive, but I promise I take all of your comments onboard and really appreciate you making them.
- You’re welcome about the 7WC. Thanks for joining in, especially since you’re simultaneously doing Thief.
- Yes, I think it’s normal to give money for carol singing. I’ve sung carols for money, and people have turned up on our doorstep singing and expecting to be paid. Also, it happens in other films, too – case in point is Love Actually, when Keira Knightley answers the door, shouts, “It’s carol singers!”, and her husband replies, “Give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.” This script definitely requires suspension of disbelief, so I can’t afford to lose you on Page 1!
- The capitalisation: it felt natural to put it in, although I agree the bill is far less necessary. The water is capitalised because it should come as a surprise. I wasn’t trying to treat the audience as idiots, just highlighting a couple of things. I’ll look at it. I also may cut Stan’s line.
- Thanks for the comment about Eddie’s speech. I actually feel it should be longer, since I really wanted a classic anti-Christmas rant, in the style of Trainspotting’s ‘Choose Life’.
- I agree, the Limbo thing isn’t desperately original. craigcooper recently posted a short called The Departure Lounge which was similar to this, and I did actually post on the thread to flag up the imminent overlap with this script. However, I actually beat him to it by about 10 months, since back in February I posted a script called Back Soon, (click for link) which was my basis for the Terminal scenes in this story. So it’s possible the script you’re referring to is another one of mine! But probably not.
- The phone scene will probably go. It’s a shame, since I like the line “Your soul is important to us”, and being put on hold is a very common experience and fitting given Eddie’s situation. But yes, it’ll probably be cut, for time’s sake if nothing else.
- As for Gabriel...I quite like him as he is. There’s something deliberately bland about the angels, right down to their white suits, and I wanted Gabriel’s unflappable level-headedness to be a real contrast to Eddie’s confusion and annoyance. However, I’ll bear your comment in mind.
- As I said to Gary, looking back at the past is big part of Christmas, and it also features in some of the best Christmas stories, so if I possibly can avoid cutting those trips to the past, I will. However, I do agree that the explanation of what Eddie will have to do needs to come earlier. I actually don’t think it NEEDS to be done by page 15, since a lot’s happening by then anyway. But it definitely occurs too late at the moment.
- The Russian isn’t subtitled. Neither we nor Eddie can understand what the woman is saying – her desperate tone is what’s important, as well as Gabriel’s refusal to help. I thought if I didn’t say it WAS subtitled, to put ‘(not subtitled)’ would just be a waste of time. Perhaps I was wrong?
- Yeah, the fact that Eddie’s jumps have a different temporal effect is explained later. However, that is the single biggest structural problem with this script; what happens when Eddie isn’t with Tim (in Toothless, Kirstie Allen’s character returns to a room in Limbo where she watches him on a screen)? Or is he with him all the time? I came up with the ‘temporal shift’ idea to address this, but it does need to be better explained.
- Isobel is Eddie’s daughter, Tim is Eddie’s grandson. Pity you saw it coming, but the point is that they’re NOT coincidences; Gabriel and Michael chose these people solely because Eddie was connected to them. It isn’t coincidence Eddie is assigned to Tim – there are a few hints to this when Gabriel is looking at the file Michael hands to him, but if that’s not clear then I need to look at it.
- I was torn between two endings: does Eddie reunite everyone and then leave, getting his ticket to Heaven? Or, once he’s made everyone happy, does he go back down to Earth permanently, Bruce Almighty-style, having been given a second chance? I decided that the former was the more fitting ending, but right now I agree it doesn’t work. It happens too quickly, and there are too many loose ends (as Brian pointed out, there are Tim’s foster parents for one). With rewrites, I hope to get this ending to a point where it feels properly satisfying, but even then, I’d be very surprised if Eddie’s eventual fate is any different.
- I agree, at the moment Eddie doesn’t have enough of an arc. I have the starting point and the end point, but as I’ve said to others, at the moment the ‘path’ in between is sorely lacking. Now that people have pointed it out, clearly the main problem is that Eddie doesn’t have to work for any of this. Gabriel says, “You’re earning a ticket to Paradise, Eddie, not a free dessert.” I do know that Eddie should have to work much harder, and really change as a result of it, but at the moment I haven’t conveyed that at all.
- Thanks for your comments. All of the suggestions you make at the end will happen. At the moment, this isn’t great. But, as Gary pointed out, the central premise itself isn’t too bad. It’s the execution that’s sorely off at the moment; with rewrites, I hope that’ll improve.
Thanks to all of you for reading, and for taking part. I’ll have return reviews for you soon.
I really enjoyed this. It was a fast read with fun characters and good imagination. I wrote a dramatic piece about a guy in limbo once so I know that in a situation like this it can take a while to explain stuff, as imaginative and creative as it is. There was a lot of information thrown around when Eddie went into limbo, but I found it entertaining, original, and enjoyable. Referring to it as "The Terminal" and making it an airport to make the "transition" as smooth as possible I thought was very cool. The only real problem I had is that Gabriel said hardly anyone asks for a way to go straight into Heaven without waiting. Think about that; all those people there and hardly anyone asks for a way to get in without waiting?
The story took another nice direction when Eddie was presented with his goal. It made for a feel good story and I liked the ending where everything came together. I was kind of surprised when the father/daughter combo was revealed because I thought Isobel was a woman Eddie had an affair with or someone that contributed to ruining his marriage. The problem with the second half of the script, though, is that there's not enough "meat on the bones." By that I mean the story gets thin. I would have liked to see a bit more of Tim and his home life. Why is Pete such a dickhole? At the end, Eddie even said Tim has loving people in his life and specifically mentions Pete, but after what the guy said about Tim earlier on, it's hard to buy that. It'd just like to see more of what goes on in that family.
Another thing I would have liked to see is Eddie making some amends with that little girl he soaked in the beginning. She had a pretty significant scene when Gabriel was showing Eddie how much of an ass he had been and I thought maybe he'd do something at the end to make it up to her too. Just a thought to maybe include something with her to tie that loose end up.
Overall I felt you did a fine job with this. Eddie was a well developed character throughout and stuck with his prickish personality through it all. The limbo was visualized nice, the whole holiday spirit dealio was there, and it had a very nice ending. I think expanding on this a tad(maybe push it up to an even 100 pages) and adding some more depth to Tim's back story(and maybe even something with Gabriel at the end) would greatly benefit the script. Again, nice job.
Hi Greg, thanks a lot for the read. Glad you enjoyed it, and I really appreciate the helpful observations you've made. All of this feedback will help a great deal when I come to write a second draft.
I totally agree, the second half is thin. That's a good way of putting it, actually - I have the basic plot elements of what will happen, but at the moment it is a trifle skeletal. Interesting you should suggest a scene where Eddie makes amends to Mary-Ellen; that scene is written, actually, along with a scene where Eddie puts the lights on Stan's roof and even visits his estranged, childhood friend Jimmy (a brief 'making amends' montage). I was all set to include it until I realised I didn't know where to put it, so I held it back rather than put it in the wrong place and scupper the flow of what's there.
It comes back to the same basic problem I mentioned in reply to Tommy: what happens when Eddie isn't with Tim? I do feel the 'making amends' scenes are important, because they suggest Eddie is changing for the better (righting past wrongs, Earl-style). So yes, in the next draft, they'll be there.
You're right: a few more 'Tim at home' scenes are needed. Julie and Pete deserve more fleshing out, and a genuine resolution at the end. I hadn't even realised how much of a loose end they were, so thanks to all of you for that. Eddie, Isobel and Julie all racing to get to Trafalgar Square to find Tim at the end - that should work much better. Maybe Pete can serve as a sort of de-facto villain, trying to prevent Tim going on his fantastic trips with Eddie (even though Pete doesn't know that's what's going on)? And then by the end he's come round, and he too has been transformed by the season. That could be interesting...
Thanks, Greg! The revised second half is forming in my head already. Really appreciate the comments.
Hey Jonny, just read this. First of all, congrats on completing this. I followed along with your saga, and I’m seriously impressed that you “manned up” and finished this. Great job!
I took semi page by page notes, and if you read them first, you’d probably think I hated the script. That’s not the case, though.
In terms of technical issues, Brian and Tommy summed it up pretty well. It takes way too long to get going, the Terminal scene is far too long, the meat of the story is far too short, and your dialogue and lack of action while the dialogue exchanges were taking place were also far too long. These issues can be worked out quite easily though in future rewrites.
On the positive side, this is well written for the most part. The characters are good for the most part and well developed. They speak like real people. The story is uplifting and heart warming. It’s a complete story, also, and just about everything is wrapped up nicely.
BUT, there are problems that aren’t going to go away, and they’re so BIG that they sink this overall, IMO.
The BIG problem here is that this isn’t an original script, concept, or story. It’s an amalgamation of numerous stories/movies, mostly the beloved “A Christmas Carol”…all the way down to the 2 main characters names, which was quite over the top, IMO.
The original came out some 160 years ago, and is so well known and loved that literally everyone in the world is familiar with it. It’s been done to death over the years in its exact form, as well as numerous alternate versions, most recently with the big Disney 3D movie, still playing in theaters now.
It’s one thing to write a horror or action script that is a carbon copy of an earlier, popular movie. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but history has shown us that it works…again and again. Same goes with heavy metal music, for instance. You can have 100 (or a thousand) bands that play the same music, look alike, act alike, and sound exactly alike, but if you like that form of music, you’re going to like all the bands.
I don’t think that’s true with something like this, and I think that’s a major hurdle you can’t overcome. Did you give it your own spin? Yes, you did. Did you set in a modern setting with unique set pieces? Yes, you did. But, the bottom line is that it feels exactly like the original and plays out much the same.
So, I actually did like this when it was all said and done. It was very heart warming and “Christmasy”. It was just so predictable, based on the source material that it’s not an original idea or concept in any way. It’s a great effort though for this challenge, and again, I commend you for forging forward and completing this. Good job!
Page by page notes
Page 1 – Opening line is terrible. You’ve already set the scene in your Slug, so there’s no reason for this sentence at all…we can’t tell it’s in the US without a SUPER, nor can we tell it’s mid December.
“CAROL SINGERS” – “CAROLERS”
2nd passage could be said exactly the same way in 2 lines, max. It’s overwritten and clunky.
“sweet singing” – How about “sweet music” or the like? It sounds really odd the way it is.
WOW!! This Stan guy must be loaded! $20 for a few seconds of singing? I need this address!!!!!
OK, shouldn’t the first Slug be “Stan’s House – Front Porch”, to keep things in line with the next Slug?
Page 2 – A jet of water” Damn, this guy’s unreal! I’d say he could be arrested for that, actually…could freeze up on the poor songbirds and get them sick! If I were one of those parents, I’d kick his ass on the spot!
General note – No need to repeat the setting in the first line underneath a new Slug. You seem to do it every single time, and it’s a waste and annoying. Also, these sentences tend to be “fragments”, meaning they are simply a “shot”, as there’s no verb, or no action taking place. I’d suggest you try to avoid this type of writing.
Page 3, 4 – The entire scene here is incorrectly set. It’s not just on Eddie’s front porch, as Stan is on his own porch. The houses would be too far away from each other to use a wide shot, meaning, you’re going to have to cut back and forth between them. Basically, it’s actually 2 different scenes going back and forth. Same deal when Eddie walks away…once he’s of the front porch, it’s a new scene.
Eddie Neezer ‘ Hmmm, obviously a play on old Ebenezer Scrooge. Not sure I like it, as it kind of sounds cheesy.
Page 8 – Love the “FADES TO WHITE”!!! Nice touch, bro!
“TIME UNKNOWN” – Is it light or dark? Time elements have 2 reasons for being – 1) They help with the read, because we don’t have visuals, we need to know what time of day/night it is. 2) For the actual shoot and lighting that will be required. Thus using an unknown time defeats both purposes.
Page 9 – “is wearing” – “wears”
General note – This has a total “been there, seen that” feel to it so far. You’ve got the Scrooge character down to a T, and the “Heaven” scene has been done to death. In other words, sorry to say, this isn’t working for me at this point…at all.
Page 10 – “to” needed after “him”
Page 12 – “Eddie reads at the number…” – Huh? Awkward, and I don’t really get it.
Page 13 – Why are there dashes between the numbers? I’d just write it out as an actual number (192,335).
“Where am I” – “Where I am”
Page 15, 16, 17, 18 – 3 ½ pages of nothing but dialogue between 2 people, sitting in chairs, in an all white room. Not going to play well onscreen…at all!
Page 20 – This is going along identically to “A Christmas Carol” although it’s modernized like “Heaven Can Wait” and various other movies of the same nature. Isn’t working for me, bud.
“Two WOMEN sit at on…” – remove “at”
Page 24 – Gabriel looks disapproving,…” – Awkwardly phrased.
Page 25 – Ha! I was right! It did make her sick. Funny.
Page 27 – “Eddie angry, a finger pointed at Gabriel.” – Awkwardly phrased.
I don’t understand this scene here. If Eddie doesn’t recognize her and we don’t either, what’s the point? I’m sure it will come into play later, but it doesn’t fit in with what’s happening here at all.
Page 36 – OK, so now the plot is revealed and set. Problems are…way too long to get here…plot is too linear and obvious…very few opportunities ahead…we know already exactly how this is going to turn out.
Page 38 – And now we have “Tiny Tim” as well? Oh boy…this is overboard, IMO.
Page 45 – “pressurize” – “pressure”
Page 46 – Oh boy, 10 more pages have passed to complete the plot set up. Only 39 more to play it all out. I’d say this is a heavily front weighted script, and I don’t think that’s going to be a good thing. We’ll see.
Page 48 – “Ne” – “He”
Page 53 – “Eddie appears in Tim’s bedroom…” – Another example of you using the Slug in your opening line. Don’t do it!
“si” – “six”
Page 55 – “They walk up the…” – Doesn’t sound right…something’s missing here.
Page 56 – Missing “of” between “time” and “year”
General note – You have a lot of montages going on, but they’re all very, very short. IMO, if you’re going to use montages (or series of shots), make them a bit longer and involved. Don’t get me wrong, these are good scenes, but they’re too short.
Page 57 – “Tim and Eddie two appear…” – What’s with the “two”?
Page 59 – Way too many LONG examples of dialogue from Eddie going on. What are we watching onscreen as he’s talking?
OK, so the scene I said didn’t make any sense earlier was Eddie’s daughter all grown up now. I still don’t think it works where it is though.
Page 66 – Tim Little” – C’mon! Too much!!!!
Page 67 – Things are moving WAY too fast now!
Page 71 – Ah, and Isobel is also Tim’s Mom. Interesting…very interesting…meaning Eddie is Tim’s Grandpa. A bit over the top, but I like it, I guess.
Page 72 – Isobel talking to herself doesn’t sound good or real.
Page 74 – I’d SERIOUSLY consider losing the long dual dialogue going on. Not going to work at all onscreen.
Page 84 – Excellent last passage, especially the last sentence…perfect ending.
Interesting you should suggest a scene where Eddie makes amends to Mary-Ellen; that scene is written, actually, along with a scene where Eddie puts the lights on Stan's roof and even visits his estranged, childhood friend Jimmy (a brief 'making amends' montage). I was all set to include it until I realised I didn't know where to put it, so I held it back rather than put it in the wrong place and scupper the flow of what's there.
It comes back to the same basic problem I mentioned in reply to Tommy: what happens when Eddie isn't with Tim? I do feel the 'making amends' scenes are important, because they suggest Eddie is changing for the better (righting past wrongs, Earl-style). So yes, in the next draft, they'll be there...Maybe Pete can serve as a sort of de-facto villain, trying to prevent Tim going on his fantastic trips with Eddie (even though Pete doesn't know that's what's going on)?
That happens to me sometimes where you write a scene but then you can't really find a good place to fit it. Frustrating I know. Reading your comments I came up with two ideas for you -
1)Maybe get rid of the concept of time speeding up when Eddie leaves Tim alone, that way it gives Eddie more time on earth and therefore more time to develop the second half of the story. Maybe Eddie is there the whole time that Tim is interacting with his foster family? Kinda like a true guardian angel.
2)You could also keep the concept of time speeding up when Eddie leaves Tim but SHOW the time passing in Tim's world and then use THAT time to develop his story more. And yes, making Pete the de-facto villain I think is the way to go. I think his development as a villain is essential to the second half of the story. In the first half, Eddie is kind of his own villain in a way, but in the second half there needs to be some dickhead there to try and ruin things for everyone.
just finished your script. Congratulations!! I think you did a good job!
Here are some of my thoughts on it. I'm not nit picking on every little thing because I'm a bit short on time until my daughter heads back to California.
This script is a bit short, but just like A Hardboiled Christmas, you should have no problem expanding this one. I liked the basic spine in this, but some things to be changed, fleshed out or expanded. The beginning was a little bit too reminiscent of "A Christmas Carol". The part where Eddie's being shown the examples of him being mean. Maybe you can change that so we get how mean he is without being so similar to Scrooge and his story.
I liked your idea of the airport departure lounge. I thought that was great. I also liked the Angle dust thing and the happiometer. Great stuff. My gripe about Eddie's mission is that he seemed to change character after he meets Tim. What happened to the grumpy mean old man? I think it would be more effective and cause more conflict if Eddie suffered a little bit more. What if Tim hated him at first because he's so mean. Make Eddie first have to win over Tim. Teach him a lesson too so it's not all about him getting to heaven/paradise. I would have liked to see Tim really hate Eddie and eventually tell him to his face that he's the meanest guy he's ever met. You may also want to tone down Julie and her husband's relationship. That doesn't really add anything IMO. What if they were more normal, but Tim is still unhappy because he's going to be moved again to another foster family or something like that.
You did great by introducing not just a "ticking clock" but also a device that would run out of power. That was really good.
The ending was great and maybe I'm dense, but I did not see Isobel being his daughter at all! Good job on that. Very neat and tidy ending.
It was a little bit predictable as I knew this was going to end well. So a tiny minus there, but all in all, You did a great job. Now go re-write it into something fantastic!
Happy New Year, Jon! I liked this. Does what you set out to do, introducing a new Christmas legend into the pantheon of Christmas legends.
I'd suggest ramping up the comedy aspect a bit more. I think hitting the girl Caroler with the SuperSoaker was a bit over the top; he has to mean, but he still has to be likeable as a protagonist...There are plenty of other ways he can be grumpy and mean to Carolers without being violent.
Liked the visuals of the fantasy elements, the airport terminal with the Romans and the Cavemen hanging around. Suggest losing the "comatose" aspect...It's a bit of a downer and doesn't move the story forward at all. More so, It might be fun to show how they are dealing with the boredom by working together, playing cards and working out what ever it is they need to work out to get out of Limbo.
It may be a personal thing, but seems like since Dickens every sad, sickly little boy is named Tim...Suggest something a bit more modern.
Liked the scene with the reindeer. That would be a cool visual on film.
SPOILERS:
I liked the twist with Isobel; That was neatly thought-out and played well within the bigger picture that the Angels were trying to accomplish.
Seemed a little rushed at the end with the time bending thing. Suggest just moving the days forward to compensate. A lot of rules set in this fantasy world, using the magic dust, the happymeter and such, and adding another dimension to it makes it that much more confusing..
Good luck with this in 2010!
More Notes: After reading the other comments, I also caught a quite a bit of Ed Asner's Carl in Eddie...They are similiar, but try to give Eddie his own unique voice so he stands alone as a distinct, individual character...Suggest looking at Grumpy Old Men and Cocoon for some other old timers...
The concept of the afterlife bureaucracy has been done, but I don't think this steps on too many toes in terms of originality...Meryl Streep/Albert Brooks Defending Your Life comes to mind, as does the DMV atmosphere of Beetlejuice.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
I've been away for a few days, which is why I haven't replied sooner.
Most of the points you have replied to make sense and are justified, so I won't bother commenting on them.
Now, yes, Back Soon. I read that, and it makes me feel better now that you wrote it I was thinking of that script when I read the scene, but couldn't think of what it was called or who wrote it... and now I know it was you, it's all good. I still think it's slightly too long, but you know that.
I still think you can take Gabriel further. I know what you are going for, but you aren't pushing his dialogue and actions.
Yeah, good point about the Russian stuff.
Now, the whole family thing. I suppose it's not a coincidence, no, I suppose I just thought it was all too "nicey" and lovely dovey and urgh. BUT it's a family Christmas film, so that's a good thing. So I suppose I don't think it's bad writing, it's just not my thing.
The ending.... Eddie can't really come back to life, I think that's one step too far. So he has to go to heaven (I don't think it needs a capital by the way)... but it's not good how it is now. It needs to be longer, and Eddie has to be happy once he is in heaven, and his family have to be happy while they are still alive. So I think that Eddie should leave something behind to remind the family of him. I'm not too sure what, but it would have to be enough to justify them being happy, because Eddie had left them.
Also, I think Eddie should meet someone in limbo, that he talks to for a bit, then goes to heaven.... because he finished his test or whatever. It could be a random, or someone Eddie knew from highschool or something.
After the family seen where they are all reunited... they hug, cry, all that, then Eddie goes up to heaven. Then have a scene of Eddie talking to his buddy in heaven, so we know he is happy.
Goodie goodie, more feedback. Thanks, Jeff, Pia and T. Joe - as I said, I'm returning reads in the order I receive them (self-centred, I know).
1. Hey Jeff.
- Yeah, I manned up. But then again, if Don sent you a message titled, "Finish Your Script", wouldn't you? I'm pleased I did, of course - I'm a feature writer now! Thanks for your support for the 7WC and the effort you've made to read all the entries, and don't feel bad about not coming up with something - there's always next time!
- Thanks for the page-by-page notes, and yeah - they do start off pretty negative! That's fine, of course; I know the Terminal scene probably needs shortening by about a third. The dialogue is clunky in places, but hopefully I'll be able to tackle that on the next pass. Thanks for the comments about the writing, characters and story, too.
- As to the extent of its unoriginality...hmm. I understand what you're saying, and I definitely was looking towards A Christmas Carol when I wrote this. However, I can't quite agree that this was COMPLETELY bereft of originality. I'm not saying this is something entirely new, but I do feel it's a bit more than an "amalgamation". I'm someone who usually bristles when I hear something described as a "re-imagining", so I won't describe it as that. What I will describe it as, however, is something that T. Joe said: "a new Christmas legend" that builds on time-honoured, beloved traditions but with its "own spin" (your phrase).
As Pia said, I have the spine of the second half. What I need to do, and what I intend to do, is add meat to the bones, thereby making this story more my own. Do I agree that this is, really, just a modern take on A Christmas Carol? Yes. Do I agree that this "sinks" the script? No.
Really appreciate your notes, and will look at everythinPiag you flag up. I'm not going to re-write this straight away - once I finish reading the 7WC scripts I'm going to go finish A Weekend in the City, a feature I'm on about page 60 with - but let it sit for a while. When I come back to it, hopefully I'll be able to attack it with renewed vigour.
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2. Pia! Hello. I know you said that non-slasher fans should avoid your script, but I fully intend to read it once the rewrite's up. I actually like a good slasher - Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer - and have high hopes for your script!
Right, back to mine.
- Yup, it's too short and too light. I do see the similarities to A Christmas Carolm and to certain extent they're deliberate - BUT there's a fine line between enjoyable familiarity / homage and the sense you've 'seen it all before'. I really am reluctant to lose the snapshots of Eddie's past, partly because I like the idea of depicting different parts of the decade. But since you're not the first to suggest losing them, I'll have to consider it. Sometimes you have admit you're wrong...
- Thanks for the compliments about The Terminal. It's not the most original idea in the world, but I like the visual. I agree that Eddie changes too quickly when he meets Tim...I hate it when characters make sudden, inexplicable about-turns in films, so that's something I'm looking to avoid. I think having Eddie be meaner for longer would definitely be better. As for Pete and Julie - I'm going to expand their roles, rather than dispense with them. Should give the second half of the script a 'fuller' texture.
- Great that nobody saw the twist about Isobel coming! Hopefully it's an enjoyable revelation, but one that also sense and makes you go, "Oh, of course!" That was the reason I decided there WAS a story here worth writing, a development that steers it into its own territory and saves it from just being a carbon-copy of older, established stories. Yes, the ending is a bit predictable, but hopefully it won't be AS predictable by the time I'm finished with a re-write. I want the ending to be much more frantic, whereas now it's emotionally satisfying but dramatically a little bit dull.
Thanks for the read, Pia! Both the compliments, and the constructive insights, and warmly appreciated.
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3. Hi T. Joe.
- Thanks; that's exactly what I set out to do. The aim was to add another film to the list of 'ones people want to watch every Christmas'. It's not there yet, but with a bit of work - who knows?
- Yeah, maybe there's room for more comedy. I decided to post this in 'Drama' rather than 'Comedy' in order to escape any sort of comedic expectations, but I could definitely weave in more funnies. The image of cold water hitting the face of the carol singers was too good to pass up, and I thought told you straight away what kind of person Eddie is. I thought about simply having him slam the door in their faces, but that doesn't have the same impact IMO.
- The comatose aspect was something I carried over from a short script I wrote called Back Soon, which served as my starting point for The Terminal scenes here. I agree that it's not exactly a thrilling idea to think that you can lose your mind and your identity if you spend too long in Limbo, but what I wanted was to raise the stakes, if you like. Eddie doesn't just want to escape Limbo to avoid being bored; I wanted there to be an undercurrent of menace, the feeling that there is a real risk of danger if he stays, which reinforces his desire to complete the PPP. I think I'm going to keep it, but I appreciate you raising it for consideration.
- Tim is called that deliberately. His name, Tim Little, is just a re-jigging of the Dickensian name 'Tiny Tim'. Just like Eddie Neezer is a re-jig of 'Ebenezer Scrooge'. Too much? Perhaps. But I'm going to leave them for now. Yeah, the reindeer would be a cool visual. The sight of them galloping through the trees, snow thrown up in slow motion as Eddie and Tim watch and quiet music plays in the background, perhaps with an echoing, amplified drumming of their hooves...I can see it very clearly in my head. At the moment it's a bit of an isolated moment, but hopefully like the rest of the second half I can find a way to give it a proper place.
- Yes! Another one that didn't guess the twist but liked it once it happened. Looks like I did something right there. The ending is definitely rushed and needs a complete overhaul. When the second draft goes up the last 50-odd pages won't bear much resemblance to what's there at present. I've got the basic skeleton of the central plot; now it needs turning into a full, satisfying story.
Thanks again, T. Joe!
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Oh, and to Greg and Tommy:
- Greg: like both your ideas. I said when I was writing this that my main problem was a lack of villain. Pete, I think, can fit that role. We'll see!
- Tommy: thanks for giving more feedback. You make some good suggestions, and I'll definitely bear them in mind.
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I keep being distracted by other stuff (for instance, I have about 15,000 words of uni coursework due in by the 12th) but I swear I'll get through the rest of the reads and reviews soon. Thanks again to all of you!
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One Last Christmas (7WC)
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; I totally agree there are moments of slapstick, which I have absolutely no shame in including.
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