(Apologies if I repeat statements made by previous posters.)

Jonny,

First off, pitch perfect writing.  It's so nice to be able to breeze through a script without having to worry about grammatical errors, spelling mistakes or formatting problems.  Although I know quite a few people who would probably kick up a bit of dust in regards to your sluglines, and your use of the word "CONTINUOUS".  But it doesn't really bother me, so I'll leave someone else to comment on it (which they may have already; I didn't read the comments above).

My main problem with the script is your story and your structure.  First off, the story is a bit overly used.  Now, this might be because I work in a post-house and was subjected to watching "A Christmas Carol" about 10 times before it came out this year, but I found it very difficult to engage myself in the story.  I mean, if you were to boil it down, it's a very basic story: guy leads a bad life, dies, angels show him his life, guy has to perform good deed to get into heaven, guy performs good deed and learns a valuable lesson.  And it's because you didn't really stray from this standard formula, that I found the script dragged a little bit.  

The one way you did manage to stray didn't help the script either, and that's in regards to your main character.  You see, in most of these films, when you're dealing with such a reprehensible character, the audience (usually through flashbacks), is given some reason to like him.  But you've created a character who is unlikable from the time he's born.  This creates an overload for the audience, and we find ourselves wondering "Why do we care if this guy gets into heaven? Just because?"  You need to give us some reason to like Eddie, outside of the fact that he's the main character and we're just supposed to.

In regards to story, a lot of things seem to happen as a matter of convenience, and only to further the plot along.  For example, why Eddie?  Why is it that the angels take such an interest in Eddie?  Why is it that Eddie is one of the only people to take part in this program?  After all, millions of people were in line waiting to lodge a complaint; you're telling me none of them kicked up a little dust like Eddie?  And instead they were just reduced to wandering zombies, like the Russians?  It doesn't make any sense.  You introduce limbo as this confusing place bogged down in bureaucracy where no one gets helped, but the second Eddie starts yelling, they help him (out of billions) out.  This is just one example, and I'll list more later when I go through my individual points, page-by-page.

My other problem with the script is its structure.  I think that the script spends waaaay too much time establishing that Eddie is a bad person and takes quite awhile to get to what the script is actually about.  And then, when it finally gets there, barring a time issue, there's not much in the way of Eddie accomplishing his goal.  Everything just kind of happens for him with no trouble whatsoever.  He gets the folder, he finds his mom, Isobel comes along (out of convenience, in my opinion) pretty darn easily, and then it's the end, and he's learned his lesson: something that also comes to easily for a man who's shown basically no good side before this.  His change just feels all too sudden to me.  I think you should really focus the first half of the script into the first 20 pages or so, and then deal with the main problem for the rest of the script.

Individual notes:

p.4 - "Grumpy old-"  You should smash cut to something here.  You know how they have someone swearing in a film, but then they cut to something that would either make a loud sound or drown out the swear?

Eddie Neezer?  It's kind of cute, but I would lose it.

p.-18 - Saying goddamnit in heaven?  Seems like the angel would at least raise an eyebrow to this.

THE VOID - I found THE VOID to be a little cliche.  Whenever I think of someone traveling through time or space, that's basically what comes to mind.  "The Simpsons" parodies it all the time.

p.36 - I thought he already agreed?  I mean, they said he wouldn't find out what his deed was until he agreed.  Then there was "no turning back"

p.47 - "What does he want now?  More attention, I suppose." - Pete seems very one dimensional to me.  Like he's almost a caricature of a neglective parent.  I'd work on him a bit.

That's about it.  Sorry to be so critical, but I just felt like if you were going to use "A Christmas Carol", "It's a Wonderful Life" and other Christmas tales as your inspiration, they should have been something you built off of, and not just altered slightly.  But I do want to re-iterate that I think you're a soild writer, and I'm sure this script will only get better as it progresses.

Jonny,

This was completely solid. I enjoyed the read and it fits perfectly into a traditional kind of Christmas story.

There are a few typos, but nothing big. Only a couple of notes here:

>Carol Singers

Make it CAROLLERS

I think I missed what exactly "the rocks" were though I knew what you meant. I think it should be called Tim's rock collection.

Careful with Tim's dialogue here:

>TIM
Do you not like Christmas, Eddie?

He sounds like an adult there.

Really you know, I think the trouble with a really good script is there's not a lot to say about it except it's really good.

Now sure, we can talk about cliche and yada-yada-yada, but I enjoyed it and I bet a lot of people would; so on that note:

Yay!!!!!   Big congratulations for completing!!!

Sandra

Hey Matt and Sandra, just want to quickly acknowledge and respond to your feedback, and then, I think I'm gonna let this one sink down the list for now.

Matt:

- Firstly, thanks for getting round to this so quickly and essentially gifting me a free read. Don't worry at all about being critical - I've read your stuff and know you know what you're talking about, and an honest, informed review is something I'll always be grateful for! Unless you make me cry, of course. Then you should feel guilty.

- Thanks for the mega writing compliment! I think I've nailed down a style I feel comfortable with, and one that I can just let flow without constantly worrying if I'm expressing what I mean. That's only the first step of course, but we all have to start somewhere.

- I understand what you're saying about the formula. I do need to bear in mind that just putting in something because it worked in other Christmas stories isn't necessarily a good thing; in fact, it might be a bad thing. While I'm going to stick to the main arc (simply because it was the point of writing this in the first place), I need to do something else with it, freshen it up in some way. I have some ideas in the back of my mind, and when I come back to rewrite this in a few months' time hopefully I'll be able to make some positive changes.

- Ahh! Interesting observations about Eddie. So what's missing is his moment of corruption? Actually, that could be kinda good. Maybe a scene in the 'this is your life' sequence where his father is mean to him, which would mean when he's helping Tim and Pete tries to ruin it that reinforces Eddie's desire to defy Pete (which, given the connection between Eddie and Tim, would be quite nice symmetry)...I'll think on that. Although, having seen A Christmas Carol I don't particularly remember a moment, even with the Ghost of Christmas Past, where Scrooge was particularly 'nice'. Maybe it's going right back to infanthood that's the overload. It's a really interesting point that I hadn't even thought of, so thanks for that.

- Yeah, the whole PPP thing needs an overhaul. My basic thinking was that the angels allowed Eddie to take part because he had a very specific task he could do on Earth in order to help an unhappy kid. And it was Christmas, where miracles are allowed to happen. But that's sort of woolly and convenient...I'll have to tighten the situation up a bit.

- The structure is way off, I know. Shorter Act 1, MUCH longer Act 2, more exciting Act 3 building to climax. Like other issues, this'll be tackled in the re-write. Thanks for the page-by-page notes and general helpfulness. Hopefully I can return the favour when you post something new!

-----------

Sandra:

Thanks for getting round to this, and hope you enjoyed Jesus Christ Superstar! Glad you enjoyed it, but it seemed to have left you...uninspired? Again, thanks for the read and the notes, and I promise I'll get round The Magic of Letters soon! It's on my list.

Johnny...

I'm just finishing what I started here and that was to read all the 7WC scripts and finally got to yours this weekend.  A Christmas Carol of course is my favorite x-mas movie so I knew I'd like this one.  Don't matter how many times they try to re-invent it, I love them all.

My thoughts;

So I didn't have a problem with it.  "NEEZER," funny.  Actually, I got a few laughs out of this story.  The exchange between Eddie and Stan in the beginning, I thought was priceless.. and again at the store with Amir the "Muslim."  I thought it set a good tone as well.

The depature lounge, well I liked it.  Was it a bit too long as some others have said, yes but I still think it worked.  The only reason I would have trimmed back on it was to introduce. "Tim," much earlier.  I was starting to worry.  I would have introduced him prior to page #30 but that's just me.

Isobel and Tim... nice touch.  I can see where you definitely tried to make this your own.  Your ending...

I'm mixed on that.  For the most part was it a" hallmark," moment yes... but I had wished Eddie could have got to stay with them.  I would have done things different.  But this was your script... so fair enough.  

My other biggest grip was with Mary Ellen.  Your at 85 pages... you could have had a scene with Eddie doing something nice for her also.  This would have been real good too. IMO

"Happiometer,' cute.  Not sure about Julie and Pete though.  Not much their with those too.  Other then that, this was a quick read.  Entertaining too.  I enjoyed this for the most part.

Minor issues;  Dreamscale covered alot.  This was well-written for the most part.  I'd question some parts.  Redundancies.  Here's just an example... and of course I'm pretty sure you know this.

Page 3...
KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

A simple kitchen with old appliances.  Dirty dishes are stacked in the kitchen sink.  

A dark, cluttered, living room, filled with ornaments...ect..  Works just as well without that... but this is just ghost.  Like I said, this is your script, so fair enough.

Don't know if your planning on doing anything more with this but...  either or  good job and congrats man.

One left to go... I think Gary's

Good Luck

Ghostwriter