The Translator by Aaron Marstella - Drama - In the prelude to World War 2 Rick has been working as espionage, undercover and pumping information from the Italian mob as well as assassinations. After historical events take a toll and his beloved wife is mysteriously murdered Rick is about to embark on a mission where he will probably not come back. He will be alone, undercover posing as a German in one of the most secured outposts in Germany, hoping to find answers to both the plans of Hitler as well as the fate of his lost wife. When you have nothing else to live for what would you do? 91 pages - pdf, format

Hey Aaron,

I only through the first few pages but wanted to give you some basic feedback....

Your logline first....I'm trying to read a few pages of scripts with zero reviews to give some basic feedback. If I wasn't I would never have read your script. That's because the logline is poor. World War 2 is actually World War II. Despite reading the first line over and over is doesn't make any sense. You can't work 'as espionage'. You can work in espionage, nor can you work as undercover. And as pumping information doesn't work either. Sorry to go on about it, but it is a poorly formatted first line. Your logline is your advertisement. It's the thing which will entice readers on these boards to review your work (which is what you want, right?) It's your opportunity to scream at the world 'read my script because it's fantastic!'. If I were you I'd learn to love your logline and give it lots of tlc.

Love the way your script starts smack bang in the middle of action scene. I love those kinda starts!

Your english is poor in the script as well. You need really need to make an effort in terms of creating well structured, grammatically correct, appropriate and correctly spelt words and sentences.

Nice leaness in the action and dialogue - gives it a good pace.

Adry's dialogue - yuk! Sorry, way too mushy for my taste. Do people actually say things like 'Our love is eternal' even if they're about to die? Maybe it's just the people I know.

Anyway good luck,
Thornton

Hey Thornton,
Thanks for the feedback, it's nice to get the honest truth on these things. I agree, The Translator does need a bit touching up especially with the logline. I will go over that and re-do it.
Just out of curiosity how much of my script did you read? If I make out your first line correctly "I only through the first few pages but wanted to give some basic feedback..." I am guessing you meant you had only read the intro. I hope your grammar is a practical joke, playing off of my own otherwise I am so sorry.
Besides bashing my poor lame logline, bad grammar, and spelling; you also mentioned a dislike on certain dialogue. We all know romantic dialogue is probably the most challenging to write. The dialogue especially that of romance is supposed to capture our mind set, bring us deeper into the story, and bring us information on the well being and emotions of the character in subject. My question mainly is, when has romantic dialogue ever been realistic? Or better, when has romance ever been "realistic"? Even the best written love lines can be looked upon as "cheesy" or "gag" mainly it's all a question of what the mind set is of the audience. So in light of your discontent what would you have the character say instead?
Thank you again for the input and please get back to me on my questions, I am very curious.
Sincerely,
Aaron

Hey Aaron,

I got thru about 5 pages so yes, I guess just the intro.

My poor grammar and spelling in the review was not meant to be a practical joke - I remember someone doing the same on my first review and thinking 'hey, how can you criticize my work when you're grammar is so poor'. The difference I came to find was that when you're reviewing no-one is reviewing your review. So you try to do your best and as many reviews as possible rather than spending time tidying up your grammar and spelling. Hope that makes sense.

I hope you also noticed that I complimented things about your script as well.

You seem offended by my view on certain elements of your dialogue. You may also notice I said 'for my taste'. You mention 'capture our mind set, bring us deeper into the story, and bring us information on the well being and emotions of the character in subject' Sorry your dialogue did none of that for ME. It simply sounded cheesy (to ME). I cant provide you with an example of how I'd write it, because I know too little about what you're trying to do with this script.

You might encourage others on this forum to read your script. You could do that by exchanging reviews. That would either confirm what I'm saying or if in disagreement maybe demonstrate that my review is worthless.

Either way: good luck.

Just read through the first few pages of this one, have to agree with what Thornton said. Yes the logline is pretty poor, you really need to fix it up. Try to condense it to one or two sentences.

There are far too many mistakes going on here, it comes across as either amateurish or lazy. If I can spot so many mistakes on a quick glance, how can you not have picked them out on your edits and polishes? Or is this a first draft that you have haphazardly submitted to the site? It really needs to be better than this I'm afraid.

Your first paragraph is quite poor. His full name should be in CAPS, not just his first name. 'He is around the age 28-30'...just say late 20s or 30 and leave it at that. 'Hair which is parted.' Sounds awkward, and not necessary to know. 'His face has a German look to it'. What does a German look like? How is it different from an Austrian, American, Irishman, Swede etc.? Too much passive writing here eg. 'is carrying a machine gun' works better as 'carries a machine gun'. 'He breaths heavily', do you mean he breathes heavily? 'Carries a face of worry' sounds really awkward, why not 'looks worried'?

That is just from your first paragraph. Not trying to nitpick every little thing here but when you don't nail your script right from the start you set the tone for what is to follow.

Next sentence 'The voice of ADRY echo in his head'. You mean echoes. You also don't need to specify in wrylies that German people are speaking in German every time they speak.

You have a lot of 'he continues to run' etc. It gives a very sterile feel to your writing. 'He does this. Then this happens. Then he continues to do this. Then something else happens.' There is no soul to it. No passion or flare. It is very generic and is as if you are just transcribing a series of events rather than putting us in the middle of the action and bringing it alive. Give your action some more oomph by choosing your words carefully and adding some style to it. At the moment it feels drab and lifeless. Do you know what I mean?

A drama is about emotion and conflict. If you can't make us feel any emotion by reading your script than what hope is there of this working as a film?

I am reading on and it is more of the same. 'Rick is cuffed to the chair, his head is bleeding, his hair is dripping with sweat' etc. Lose all the IS words in your screenplay and write more actively.

Ok on page 7 now and it goes from bad to worse. Your scene heading in the train is incorrect. Who is young Elder Bergman? I haven't seen this person before so they need to be CAPPED. Why is the other person also called Elder? Why have two characters named the same? Then you go on to describe a host of things that can't be seen on screen, such as completing his two year missonary service and heading to France etc. NO NO NO! Don't write action that can't be seen on screen by an audience. This is not a novel! 'He is sporting a what appears to be a overly used suite and a fedora which is worn. his hair is a brown color.' So many mistakes in those two sentences I don't even know where to begin. Does that really look correct to you?

Then on the train Rick starts talking. How is Rick even in the scene? You didn't write that he was on the train, this makes no sense to me.

Sorry but I can't read any more, way too many problems with this and if this was being read by a professional they might give you the benefit of reading the first ten pages and that's as far as you'd get. You really need to learn how to construct a basic, gramatically correct sentence before you worry about anything else. Get that handled and read a lot of screenplays and keep working at it, I'm sure your work will improve.

I'm sorry I don't have more positve feedback for you here but I have to be honest and don't want to fill you with false hope, as this really does need a lot of work. Best of luck with it though.

Cheers,
Tim.

Thank you everyone for your honesty. I am not angry nor offended with your feedback. I have gone back to editing my grammar and spelling since posting this script and am trying to figure out how to replace it on this site. If anyone can tell me how I can fix this please let me know. I need to re-write the logline and replace the current script with a new edit.
I mainly posted this script for feedback on story, if I was looking for grammar correction I would have taken it to a writing lab. This is my first feature so I realize there is grammatical errors. I will take another look at grammar but as of right now I am looking for story feedback.
As soon as I figure out how to replace the script and logline I will do so.
Thanks again,
Aaron