The Tin Man by Michael R. Maguire - Drama - Forrest Gump - 1928 Chicago Gangster style 101 pages - pdf, format

This is a very wordy script. Is all of this necessary to establish where we are in the first 3 pages? This reads  like a semi treatment. You don't give us any information about your characters. I couldn't take your cliche Irish cop seriously - all he was lacking was a pseudo Irish name like Brannigan and a 'top of the morning to ya' greeting.

I'm about 25 pages in and I like this idea. I think the story idea has to be worked more.

Like the other person said, the first few pages are wordy and you say the same things over and over.

Read up to about page 25, and agree with the other poster.  Dense.  Lots of ink expended unnecessarily.  However, I admire your decision to go with a visual style of storytelling.  There aren't a lot of words because we don't need a lot of words.  This shows a more sophisticated approach to the story.

Are you in Chicago?  If so I'd like to talk to you personally.  I'm looking for a writing group and you definitely have talent.

You wrote this:  "Your bosses son deaf."  Should be "Your boss's son IS deaf."  Wow, two typos in one sentence.  That's bad, man.

The Brach character I thought was excellent.  Too bad he disappeared so early.  This is the kind of role that actors dream about.  His psychosis gives him real range of emotion.  You didn't beat me over the head with the set-up, just sort of let it unfold naturally which is also a more professional approach.

I'm right with you.

"Shakes his head aggressively."  I did a search and found you use this phrase 11 times.  ELEVEN.  Actors don't like being told how to say the lines, (wrylies in parentheses) and they don't like being told how to ACT THE PART either.  That's pretty much the only decision they get to make, so let them make it.  Ditch the adverbs.

The first time the gangsters pull up, and the second time they pull up, can be just one scene.  It's repetitive this way.  Plus LEFTY says basically the same thing both times.

By the way, proper format for reading something would be all caps, "CAPONE BUYS SOUTH FOR WINTER."  Or something.  Plus the headline would probably be, "CAPONE BUYS MIAMI."  

You do expend a lot of ink with things like, "He goes to the door."  This may not be the best example but as a general rule you should be trying to pare down the stage direction to the absolute minimum.  I read one blogger recently who compared it to Haiku.  My writing program gives me 62 characters across.  Make the direction fit all in that tiny tiny space.  It will read better, and sharper.  Screenwriting is a very disciplined art form, and you're giving yourself too much free reign to just write anything.

I loved the scene where Capone tells Tony to shoot Lefty.  Except the emotional tension went the wrong way.  It decreases.  What?

You want me to shoot him?
Yeah.
Okay, boss.
     Pulls out his gun.
     Levels it at Lefty
Hey, what'd I do?  Quit screwing around.
Do it!
You sure boss?  He'll make a fucking mess in here.
Damn right I'm serious.  Guy's been holding out on me.  Do it!

Anyway, you get the drift.  Raise the stakes.  This is how Tarrantino would do it, except he would really shoot the guy.

I didn't really mind the opera stuff.  The only angle you're missing is that the gangsters are Italian and this is the 20's so they probably have a real soft spot for the musical form.  I thought it would be a nice touch if Capone, instead of dragging the guy to some club he owns, takes the guy home so he can sing for his mother.  It's her birthday or something, and he wants to remind her of the old country.  Something like that.  Almost an audition, then he promotes him to the club.

Comiskey park in the 20's would be an expensive shot for not much payoff.  If it really has to be INSIDE the park then have him talking to Babe Ruth between innings or something.  Otherwise it's cheaper just to have them outside on their way in or driving to the park or something.  Let your producer save that money until you really really need it.