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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Thief: Gabriel's Game Moderators: bert
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  Author    Thief: Gabriel's Game  (currently 3525 views)
Don
Posted: December 27th, 2010, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Thief: Gabriel's Game by Gary Rademan With the assistance of Sandra E. Watson, Thomas Pascal based on: THIEF by Michael Cornetto, Sandra E. Watson, Thomas Pascal, Gary Rademan, With the assistance of Gabriel Moronta, Jeff Bush, Elisabeth Dubois, Toby Elmers - Drama - A reunion of eight quirky friends turns out to be a ruse to secretly film a reality TV show.  93 pages

Based on Thief - pdf, format


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mcornetto
Posted: December 27th, 2010, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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It's very different and you should definitely give it a read.   I like most of the choices and changes they made.  Much improved over the first draft.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 29th, 2010, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary,

Thanks again for giving me a chance to look at this a few weeks ago.
I like the premise of an informal high school reunion reality show mash up.
You have a neat foundation here that is ripe for some playful scenarios.
I think if you spend more time building up that history, it will pay off for you.

Is this the same draft I read or did you make some tweaks since then?
Let me know and thanks again for sharing, keep writing!\

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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grademan
Posted: December 29th, 2010, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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E.D.

Same version. No tweaks.

Gary
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mcornetto
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear

pg  11.  Frances says "I almost said cock", that seemed very forced to me.


I wrote that line and yes it is forced...because Frances is purposefully trying to be outrageous and shocking.
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mcornetto
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
it didn't seem shocking. just forced.  


I didn't say it was shocking, I said she was trying to be shocking. But I do think it's shocking to Gabriel who has a history with her.

And I'm just trying to explain why the line is there.  I know you're being honest and that's great and appreciated.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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I thought Gabriel was a bit of a mystery there for a while. Like he wasn't interested in Jeana. I thought maybe he was gay anyway.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Grandma Bear

pg   1.  what's a cement apron?



Thank you, Pia.

That's what I thought, but I thought not knowing what it was, was just me being stupid.

Anyways, Pia, I can agree with everything you said. I really never liked that "cock" line from Frances, and I had changed Jimmy's name already in one of the rewrites to Jimmy Max Green and he goes by his second name, Max. It drove me up the wall always having these two J's together, but Gary had a lot on his hands as we went back and forth.

For my part in this, I'd really like to see the back story I've been developing come to life, but we need to figure out a way to incorporate it (if that's the direction this thing takes) without bogging this initial "Thief" down.

I've got so many freakin' pieces of Thief on my computer it's ridiculous. One's where Jimmy actually "does" something; so I appreciate your comment on the role he plays in this draft-- basically a non character (from what is showing up on the page).

In my opinion, there's a lot of missed opportunities in this for both comedy, suspense and history of these characters. I have them written as both friends and family. Actually, Darnell and Gabriel are cousins, Jeana is Gabriel's step sister and they're all very tied and even indebted to a certain someone. Yes, would like to see more depth in this.

One version has Darnell selling a risque tape (recorded by Jimmy/Max Green known as THE DRIVE-IN SCENE) to some Mafia Type men who want to ruin Gabriel's career because they think it will hurt Gabriel's father. Darnell does this in a moment of anger after Gabriel leaves to go to Hollywood, leaving his friends and family, namely Jeana and Darnell to care for Gabriel's and Jeana's father. (Lest I say it? L.H.)

Darnell's anger does not last long and he manages to steal back the tape. Shaken, he explains what he did to J-Max who laughs at first, but then develops ca-ching dollar signs in his eyes. Max successfully convinces the Maf Men that he has the tape, all be it in confetti pieces, (cut up by Gabriel he lies) and says he can restore it using Techtonic Digitalis Tyranasaurus  Techniques   Or something like that.

I saw Jimmy Max as having good motivation for using the tape to make money for his Children's Charity work, but he didn't think of it as hurting Frances at the time. It's only later, he realizes that.

So basically, I considered this as a potential catalyst for a later reversal when Max wants to "protect Frances" who I see as finding out her true status as a hermaphrodite after Logan Heisberg put up the money for a doctor's visit which subsequently led to her transfiguration.

Essentially, it comes down to Max realizing the error in his ways and he steals back "the stolen back-pretended-to-be-reconstructed-recording of Gabriel and Frances at the drive-in".

When this happens, that's when Darnell gets THE CALL (that originally was just his Drug Dealer Dude) but I wanted it to be real and since Darnell is a Heisberg too, with loads of money, Darnell can't have the ability to give him what he wants. And what he wants is THE TAPE that Darnell figures was burned a long time ago in a scene I constructed with he and Max where Max hands him an EMPTY BOX and says, "Here, chuck that thing in the fire!" This was, at that time significant for Darnell because still, his anger at Gabriel simmered underneath and it was a way of getting him out of his mind.

The reason all of this is significant is that it lends credence to the outcome of The Fake Reality Show and what they plan on doing with it. This is something I dug up from some old files:

Max
I told them that Gabriel cut the
tape up and that I could put it back together using special technology. I’ve been giving them pieces over the last ten years. They’ve been paying me. The money’s been going to charity.

GABRIEL
If they’ve got a bunch of the tape
then why are they demanding it from Darnell?

Max
I stole it back the second time.
Forgot they had me on security tape. I'm a lousy criminal.
They were heavy handed, threatened me and so I told them Darnell
found out and threatened to kill me, so they laid off.

GABRIEL
You guys are totally insane.

DARNELL
Birds of a feather...

GABRIEL
I’ve got an idea. You owe them the
tape with me and Frances, but what if we give them something better. Something nice and pugnacious for their paparazzi paws.

DARNELL
A bargaining chip?

GABRIEL I was gonna take this whole
reality show thing and use it for myself, but let’s put this tape thing to bed.

Darnell and Gabriel shake the big shake. Gabriel claps three times. A bit of stardust as he does.

GABRIEL
Let the games begin!

EXT. MAZE - NIGHT A huge hedge maze goes off into the distance...

**Onward is the Paintball Scene that is Half Real/Half Revenge as the characters use
it to "make the bargaining chip" and also get even with each other in their twisted fashion.

** I envision these characters to go way back in terms of time to their childhoods. There are a lot of special dynamics that happen individually, in twos, threes... etc... and as a group as a whole.

A whole heck of a lot since it began as the story about a reunion, a stolen ring, and two guys oohing over a stacked blond.

All in all, yes, we're still writing... TBC  

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from mcornetto


I wrote that line and yes it is forced...because Frances is purposefully trying to be outrageous and shocking.


LOL, I didn't know who wrote that line, but I think that a lot of the swears should come out and we walk on higher ground in terms of language.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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mcornetto
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Sandra,

Cock isn't a swear, it's a male bird.  
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from mcornetto
Sandra,

Cock isn't a swear, it's a male bird.  





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I thought Gabriel was a bit of a mystery there for a while. Like he wasn't interested in Jeana. I thought maybe he was gay anyway.


Gabriel isn't Gay. He loves Jeana, but he grew up in the same freakin' house as her; therefore, he doesn't want the shit to hit the fan (was that a swear?) in terms of his reputation. He's trying to run away from who he is, "Everything Heisberg". That's why he changed his last name to Razon, it's why he's run away to Hollywood, it's why he's an actor, period.

As far as "The Exterior Community" is concerned, Jeana IS his sister. But only the internal group knows the truth. *That she's only his step-sister, but even that is enough to cause a stir.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't read any of the scripts that have come out of this project, but I have been following it all the way from its origins as a collaborative exercise and just wanted to say: since there's clearly a wealth of rich backstory here, is a 90-120 page feature script really the best medium for 'Thief'?

6 part mini-series? Or, if any of you are this way inclined, perhaps a novel?


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from JonnyBoy
I haven't read any of the scripts that have come out of this project, but I have been following it all the way from its origins as a collaborative exercise and just wanted to say: since there's clearly a wealth of rich backstory here, is a 90-120 page feature script really the best medium for 'Thief'?

6 part mini-series? Or, if any of you are this way inclined, perhaps a novel?


No, it's not and Gary and I have discussed this. We are going to continue to develop this. I actually would like this to be a continued series, but I'm not skilled enough yet.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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grademan
Posted: January 5th, 2011, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Bless you Pia!

Thanks for the read. Much appreciated. Especially since you read the original.

I liked your note that this new THIEF was improved over the prior draft. Characters were better this time. Introductions were tighter. I appreciate the recognition since we worked hard on this.

As for your specific comments:

A concrete apron usually “aprons” the area around an entryway or door similar to a walkway or sidewalk or patio. Actually that was my bad. On page 1 no less.

I can see where Jimmy is a non-character and can be ditched or at least renamed. Jimmy, Johnny and Jeana were all too similar for names. For this draft, all eight characters were kept though.

A comedy? Really? Hadn’t thought of it but yeah I could see that. Probably the way to make it a stand out. E.D. mentioned that playfulness in his comments above.

An odd transition? Ah, thought I had made it seamless. You should have seen it before Tommy pointed it out to me.

Yeah, you’re absolutely right about the getting in later and out earlier.

Gary







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