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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  L<I>F<B>E Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 11th, 2011, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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L< I > F < B >E by Jade Carmen (jadeski) - Drama - Two happy-go-lucky English guys en route to Paris get tangled up in a revenge plot to prove a German man's innocence. Encountering danger, corruption and the seedy underside of Amsterdam's nightclubs. 103 pages - pdf, format


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jackx
Posted: March 22nd, 2011, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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First off, that title, if that's even what it is, is seriously off putting.  
But you don't have any comments so I'll assume its an error.
okay, answered on the title page.  Put the full title in your submission next time.
(for those wondering, its "Losing it from both ends."  Which just sounds dirty.)

You don't need any of that stuff on your title page if this is a spec script.  So no draft number, no 'final revisions', definitely no phone number.  And no made up production company.  Maybe a copyright number though.

No camera directions needed.

Definitely on the overwritten side, screenwriting is generally pretty sparse and visual.  You're telling us that the ferry has the emotion of wanting to leave?  That's a bit much.

No need for the date on every page.

Got about six pages in, the six pages should probably be three.  Cut out all the overwrought language first.  Then its a bit risky to start your story with the characters in that situation of sitting around bitching.  You're putting a lot of pressure on the dialogue and the charisma of the characters.  Y not start it just  a but short of them getting picked up.  Get rid of the ferry altogether, imply most of the wait, hook the audience in...

did enjoy the al jezeera comment though, id keep that.

anyways, good luck with it.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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