SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 4:10pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Locksmith Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Locksmith  (currently 1293 views)
Don
Posted: March 30th, 2011, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Locksmith by Garry Hicks - Drama, Crime -  A career thief plans a simple heist perfectly, but breaks into the middle of a major sting operation on the city's largest,and most violent, drug war. 115 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
svsg1982
Posted: April 13th, 2011, 6:50am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.00
I read up to page 30.

I just want to say this is a nice effort and may have potential but there where a few too many things that hurt the reading experience.  I never got to know your characters because they were either on drug deals or opening safes.  But what about their personal lives?

Here are a few things that didn't work for me:

Opening a movie with a rape?... Even thought its revealed that it was actually not a rape its still kind of odd.  And I haven't seen what it was trying to set up so far.

What people are wearing isn't all that important to describe.  But if thats what you do then fine.  But putting ages like 25-30 is not something that is standard practice in 99% of screenplays.  Just say 30s or 20s or whatever.

Your characters keep saying each others names in your dialogue.  Maybe reduce that to as little as possible.

Who is the main character? Jimmy or Joey?  And you missed day or night in some of your slug lines.

I'm not trying to be harsh.  I just think the story needs a bit of work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006