Hey Jahongir,

I continued a bit more today. It took a time long for that flashback to finish, over 30 pages I think. Okay so Rano tries to kill herself, I didn’t understand? You have built a strong relationship between Usuf and Rano, they love each other, you went a long way to show us this and then suddenly, she’s trying to kill herself which will obviously hurt the very person she would never want to hurt? I know she was beaten up but I have to be honest and say I didn’t think it was a enough to want to kill yourself and leave your son who you love so much.

The Major, I don’t know? I didn’t like when she started crying but I’ll give some credit for throwing a spanner in the works with her blind son, I never saw it coming and it kind of explains her reaction to Usuf’s story so kudos for that.

I’m still unsure where this is going?  What is the portags main goal? I’m 50 pages in and struggling to connect with Usuf.

Here are the notes I took:

Page 26:  ARF! ARF! ARF! OU OU OUUU! The sound of barking and howling dogs is heard from the streets.

I don’t like this I’m afraid. You could just have. “Dogs BARK and HOWL from the street”

Page 27: Rang, think you mean Rano.

OU! OU! OUUU! Seeing a lot of this kind of sound visual, I would cut down on this.

Page 30: Rano laying in front of her. Think you mean “him” instead of her.

“He helps Rano to sits up and they hug.” Take the s out of sits so it reads sit.

Page 31: Usuf is calmed down. Should be “Usuf has calmed down” or “Usuf, calmer now”

“Rano looks at his funny moustache and smiling kisses him.” Could be “Rano smiles at his funny moustache, kisses him on the cheek” Note: I haven’t seen as many misspellings in this section but a lot of the action needs tightening like the example above.

I may have mentioned this last time but keep the action sentences to 4 lines max.

“then takes his hand” should be her hand.

Also should have changed slug before going into Usuf’s room.

“ley” should be lay.

Page 32:      “I will never let anybody to harm you.” Take out “to”

Page 33: “I will miss your odor” Get rid of this; it’s a strange thing for a mother to say to her son in this situation. It made me giggle and I don’t think that’s what you’re aiming for?

“sings for him whisperingly.” Take out “whisperingly” if anything try “softly” something like that but to be honest, “sings for him” is enough.

“KABOOM! KABOOM!” Enough of this already, there’s too many IMO.

Page 34: “Your wonderful odor.” Again, this doesn’t sound right and is humorous, you don’t want this.

“paper match” What’s this? Did you mean paper and a match?

“RATATATAT! RAT- AT- TAT! BRATAT!” Come on now, this must be getting into double figures all in 10 pages.

“leis” you mean lies.

Page 35: BLUB! BLUB! BLUB!

“gas” I would say gasoline for this, there’s a difference, it’s hard to pour gas.

Page 40: “You are a good writer.” You’re instead of you are.

“He removes blanket” missing a “the” here

“looks like a fried chicken.” Don’t know about this description, do you really want the reader thinking the protag looks like a fried chicken leg?

Not sure about all the underlining, you do it a lot when it doesn’t feel needed.

“arrive on time” Was they on a time schedule?

Page 41: Close the door from behind you! Take out “from”

“thinks for little and realizes” try “thinks, realizes”

“and whispers him.” Add “to” between whispers and him

Page 42: “EXT. COMPOUND – SAME” change same with continuous.

“Gully finds Rustam upset and hugs him” try “Gully comforts the upset Rustem, hugs him tight”

Okay, didn’t enjoy the Major crying, this has ruined her character for me. You built her up as such a strong willed woman but now she is crying and trying to hide it from Usuf. This doesn’t work for me, it’s changed everything you set her up to be.

Also, that flashback took over 30 pages to finish, it felt too long.

Page 44: “EXT. CITY – DAY” This is not a good slug.

Page 45: “tear fall” should be “tear falls”

Stopped at page 49 today, feel like we’re about to have another mammoth flashback.

Hopefully get to read more during the week depending on bubs appearance?

Hope this helps.

Have a good one.

Steve

Hi Steve.
Thanks again for the notes and read. I rewrote this script for 10000000 times and didn't notice the mistakes you mantioned. I thinks because I know the story by heart and can't focus? I don't kow. I will change the Major's cry as well as other stuf you mentioned. But about Flashback the story is in it. Like Saving privet Rayan.
Thanks a lot man, can't wait to get more of your wisedom that for sure make me a better writer and my script a better script.

Salute
Jahongir.

Hey Jahongir,

Got back into it today and have been left a little bit disappointed I have to admit. I just can’t seem to feel for Usuf at all, Shahlo or their relationship hasn’t been developed enough either. We found out Gully was pregnant and then 2 pages later they were having a baby? This happened too fast, if it was the late stages of pregnancy then we should have known sooner.

The slugs needs a lot of work, I am very confused about where they live and can’t visualise it. The action sentences need a lot tightening, I honestly think this script could be reduced by 15 pages if it was cleaned up. Also there is a lot of telling not showing, I have written a couple of examples in the notes of what I mean but there were few that I didn’t mention.

The grammar’s not as bad as you probably think; it’s more the phrasing and over describing which is letting you down in that department. I’m not saying the grammar’s great, just not as bad as you think it is.

These are the notes I took during the read:

Page 48: “You are welcome.” You’re welcome.
“EXT. COMPOUND DAY (ESTABLISHING) - USUF’S MEMORY”

I don’t think this slug is right to start with? But also, you actually establish nothing, there’s no description of the compound?

“INT. USUF’S ROOM” Is it day? Night? Evening? Morning?

Page 49: “After moments of inner struggle” These sorts of descriptions are a problem. We can’t see inner struggles, show don’t tell.

“Usuf finally stands up and goes to look at the mirror.” These kind sentences need to be tightened. You have 108 pages but I reckon you could easily bring it down to under 100 if you got rid of useless words. “Usuf stands, scowls into the mirror” see what I mean?

“Knock! Knock! A soft knocking on the door wakes him up.” Get rid of knock! Knock! And change knocking to knock and take out up. “A soft knock on the door, wakes Usuf”

Page 50: “She is anoying.” “She’s annoying” but I don’t think this dialogue is needed IMO.

Page 51: “I am sorry.” Seeing lots of “I am” which could be changed to “I’m” like “I’m sorry” reads better IMO

“Shahlo smiles and they walk back to the room.

EXT. COMPOUND”

I thought they were going back to Usuf’s room? Now they’re outside in the compound. The slugs need some attention throughout.
“He finds the right branch of a tree, breaks it accurately” This reads awkward and how do you break a branch accurately? I would reword this.

“I am making a slingshot.” Another I am “I’m making a slingshot”

“Because I am by myself now.” And again here, look out for this.

Shahol keeps saying why? How old is she? She sounds like she’s 4 or 5?

Page 52: “where did they bury my mom?” strange question IMO?

“In the cemetery.” Who would have guessed that answer? Usuf surely would have known this?

Old man is not capitalised on first introduction and give him a name, he speaks more than one line so he needs a name IMO.

Page 53: “Usuf’s eyes are full of tears. He wipes them out.” This needs to be change, reads very wrong. Think you mean wipes them away.

Page 54: “Usuf thanks the old man and they run to the village.” Usuf should be thanking him in dialogue, this is novel writing.

“Sharaf has the ball under his foot which he is about to kick” This reads like he’s about to kick his own foot?

“Sharaf steps on their way” typo, in instead of on.

Page 55: “They had never expected Usuf to speak up.” More telling here.

“Then I will make you to.” take out to.

Having Shahlo and Sharaf as names is very confusing to read, they look so familiar.

“Usuf and Shahlo lay on the ground and hold their stomachs.” Shahlo was slapped, why is she holding her stomach?
That whole action segment needs a lot of work to be honest.

Page 56: “Then he stands up” He’s now stood up twice?

Kid is also not capitalised on first introduction, again give him a name or introduce him earlier.

“Shahlo waits for Usuf nervously. Usuf rushes in and closes
the gate behind him. He leans on the gate. Boys get to the
gate and throw stones at it, yelling and cursing.”
                     BOY # 1
             Open the gate. You coward.

Again, it’s need to be tightened but also, Usuf never locks the gate, why don’t the boys just push it open?

Page 57: “A shepherd from the other side of the lake looks at them and laughs. It is MIRHOJI, 65, tough, but kindhearted man with long gray beard and bald head.” Again, this could be tightened up “MIRHOJI, 65, tough, grey beard with a bald head. He watches them from across the lake, amused.” That’s not the best example but hopefully you see what I mean?

Page 58: “takes his slingshot out of his neck” what’s wrong with a traditional pocket?

Page 59: “EXT. SURFACE” This should just be lake again. Like I said before, your slugs need attention and this scene is desperate for some mini slugs.

“helps” should be help.

Page 62: “Usuf comes in wearing his school uniform and surprise.” How do you wear a surprise?

Page 63: “Don’t start your why questions.” I couldn’t agree more with him.

Page 64: “this puppies around.” The instead this.

“They are so many” no, just 5.

“Shahlo comes up with an idea.” Telling again

Page 65: “takes it up” picks it up would be better.

Page 66: “telling them story.” Instead “ he tells them a story” but again, this is telling.

“sucking on her tits.” Change this! Not good, though I did laugh.

66-68: Mirhoji’s story is so slow and hard to read, the dialogue is too long and the end pun joke is not good IMO.

Page 69: “expecting stomach” I’m guessing she’s pregnant but when did this happen? Did I miss this before?

EXT. COMPOUND - DAY

Usuf enters the house.

This is confusing, is the house outside in the compound?

“Finally Usuf gives him a very cold look and speaks.” Take out and speaks.

Page 70: “Rustam is looks down” take out is.

“Gully is holding a baby on her hands” in instead of on

When you go back to the prison, you should state it’s the end of the flashback. It could confuse the reader.

“That was my dream that never came true...” What was his dream?

“forgive him that.” For in between him and that.

Page 74:          TEACHER
            Usuf. Your bag.

Well at least the teacher was concerned about Gypsy?

I’ve stopped for today at page 75, I will try to finish this up later in the week.

Hope this helps.

Steve.

Hi Steve
Thanks as always for your time, read, comments and generocity. You're right as before and I am preparing myself for a big rewrite. (Thanks to you). No even the teacher doesn't care about Gypsy or Usuf. I did that on porpouse because when I kill them all in the story I don't want the audience to feel bad for anybody. Except the little baby whose death is inavitable. Therefore I didn't mention him much trying to keep distance between him and audience. The reasons why you don't feel for Usuf are two. 1-You are expecting the story to be orthodox. Like hero should have a goal and that goal goes throughout the story. 2-I'm missing something. I will do my best to fix it.  

Thanks and Regards
Jahongir.

Hey Jahongir,

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom I kill them all in the story I don't want the audience to feel bad for anybody. Except the little baby whose death is inavitable.

What!!! You've just told me what's going to happen! Now you've ruined it.

I finished this up today and I must apologise because I haven’t taken any notes, just concentrated on the story.

I’m afraid to say that this final quarter or conclusion was the weakest part in this script sorry to say.

It’s a mess really, I mean a natural disaster destroys everything and everyone leaving only Usuf and Shahlo left alive. This takes away any resolution that might have happened between Rustem and Usuf. Big mistake for me, this story should have had more about this relationship and how a father and son struggle to get to know each other after the death of the mother, wife.

They then move to another town where someone is killing dogs because his son got bitten. Usuf, trying to protect his own dog kills this man and this is why he is in the detention centre. This script has totally changed course and because of this, makes it very confusing. It makes most of what has preceded it unnecessary. What I mean is in the first half, it was about a mother and son relationship, the middle was about a dog and owner relationship. The final part, I have no idea what relationship was happening?

In all honestly, this should have been about Usuf and Shahlo, their relationship should have been the driving force behind this story. I would get rid of all the dogs and concentrate more on their relationship, let it flourish, let Gulley and Rustem care about their relationship and get rid of that natural disaster which throws the story totally out of whack.

I did notice a couple of spelling mistakes but again I do apologise for not taking notes this time.

Page 75: bawl, should be bowl.

Page 84: hoses, should be houses.

Page 85: Wondering, should be wandering.

Page 92: quite, should be quiet.

Overall this needs a lot of work I’m afraid to say, the final act especially IMO.

Hope this helps.

Best of luck with it.

Steve.

p.s Well done for making an effort to review scripts here on SS, keep at it, mate.

Hey Steve.
Thanks once more for the read and  notes. To be honest you are the first one to dislike this tale. Maybe that is because you are the first proffecional who has read it? Or maybe because you think of it as three act Hollywood movie, not foreighn or independent. Anyway thanks for your time and sorry to disappoint you. I will rewrite it and see what can I do to make it fit Hollywood standarts.

Thanks and Regards
Jahongir.

Hey Jagonhir,

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom Maybe that is because you are the first proffecional who has read it?

Firstly, I am not a professional!!! I need to make that abundantly clear, I'm just a beginner learning the trade like you and I learn something new every day.

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom Or maybe because you think of it as three act Hollywood movie, not foreighn or independent.

Maybe this is the case but I stand by what I said in the previous comment. I think you should concentrate on the Usuf and Shahlo relationship, make this the central story arc. Just a thought.

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom sorry to disappoint you.

You certainly didn't disappoint me, it just wasn't for me is all.

At the end of day, it's your story so you will take it where you want but hopefully my feedback will give you some new ideas to think about.

All the best, mate.

Steve

Hi Steve.
Thanks again. The story was about Usuf and Major how they helped each other to overcome the problems they had. It was A Special Case for the Major. For Usuf it was the story of his life and at the age it happend he did not need Shahlo. Now that he is out of prisin and in right age they can and will hang out. That is what he was drawing in the picture, the perfect place for him, which is to be with Lucky and Shahlo around the pine tree. That is where he will build his house so to say. In the other words the movie finishes and Usuf's love story begins, but that is gonna be in the audience's imaginations. Or think of story as having sequell.
Anyway thanks a lot for your read, time and notes. They will surelly help me to make this story and myself better.


Thanks and Regards
Jahon Bahrom.