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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  A Lot Like Christmas Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Lot Like Christmas  (currently 3061 views)
Don
Posted: December 21st, 2011, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Lot Like Christmas by Chazz Christopher - Drama, Family, Christmas, Dramedy - Make no mistake: things will at some point go bad - even at Christmastime. 110 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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ChazzChristopher
Posted: December 21st, 2011, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
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LOGLINE: James Steward is a work-a-holic, always reaching for that next big promotion. When his company is bought out and his wife separates from him while he's on a business trip to Wisconsin, he must figure out how to get back to NYC and save his family in time for Christmas.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 22nd, 2011, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Chazz,

I think I'm right in thinking the fade in should be to the left of the page but more experience writers would have to confirm that?

So lets go on from there, the first slug looks wrong to me and should just be day IMO, we will see it's morning when the alarm goes off and they are in bed. You are telling, not showing and that is a bad habit to get into. I get it! they take Christmas very, very seriously! no need to mention this twice and get rid of the cut to's.

James first introduction needs a lot of work, to start with his name isn't capitalized. This is supposed to be your main protagonist and all we get is he's tired and then "It is freaking 5am after all" what is wrong with this?

Grammar needs to be worked on and what's with the red words in the action descriptions?

Okay, so we get a description of James a page later but now I think you have over done it IMO.

I'm sorry but we meet "SEAN HELLMUTH, a somewhat younger, somewhat nervous, somewhat annoying accountant"  
how many times do we say somewhat? that is annoying!

You seem to keep repeating the same words which is distracting and it is hard for me to continue reading sorry to say.

I see your a member and i would start reviewing and posting on other scripts to learn more. I'm confident a more experience writer than me would have found more problems than i have mentioned and there in lies the problem.

If someone as novice as me can see them, image what a professional will do! Hope this helps.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve
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mcornetto
Posted: December 22nd, 2011, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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Formatting history in very few words:

Originally formatting was decided upon by the author.  But then the industry standardized and created a format called "studio format" which was designed to allow one page to represent one minute of screen time.   This format was fairly loose and as long as you kept margins and spacings correct then you were ok.  Many writers worked with these loose guidelines until this book was first released - Judith H. Haag, Hillis R. Cole. The Complete Guide to Standard Script Formats - at which time the screenplay we see today got temporarily fossilized.  However, with the use of screenwriting programs who set their own formats, variations in the interpretation of formatting has once again become acceptable.

So the answer is FADE IN is on the right because that's where FINAL DRAFT decided it should be.    
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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 22nd, 2011, 1:58am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the confirmation Michael. Guess it's what software you are using.
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kingcooky555
Posted: December 22nd, 2011, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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I took a quick look at this (first 20 pages).

Your opening is lackluster. It's just an establishing shot with the guy waking up. I don't know if you want to start with this if this is a spec. You should start at the elevator where there's at least a hint of tension. If you really must put the establishing shot, then you can do it later. Perhaps, when he comes home late for dinner?

The action doesn't really pick up until he lands on Wisconsin. So try to cut as much of the first 10 pages as possible and get the reader to Wisconsin ASAP.

Lastly, the name James Steward, the church scene... the failing marriage, the loss of a job... this just screams like a remake of "It's a Wonderful Life." I don't know if that was your intention or not.

Good luck with this and comment more on other scripts.
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Forgive
Posted: December 22nd, 2011, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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I just checked everywhere, and I can't find any site that confirms FADE IN: should be to the right.

FADE IN: appears on the left.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 22nd, 2011, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
Formatting history in very few words:

FADE IN is on the right because that's where FINAL DRAFT decided it should be.    


I use FD 8 and I just modify an action line and move the FADE IN to the left margin.
Why the software puts it on the right, I have no idea.

E.D.


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 22nd, 2011, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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"FADE IN" should be left aligned.  Think of it this way...

We read from left to right.  "FADE IN" starts the script, so it only makes sense that it would be left aligned.  "FADE OUT" ends a script, and isn't it interesting that it's right aligned?  Sometimes there is a method to all the madness.

As I always say, do what makes sense.  Do things for a reason...and that reason shouldn't be because someone told you to or some book you read pushes it.

Happy Holidays!

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  December 22nd, 2011, 11:04am
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ChazzChristopher
Posted: December 30th, 2011, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys,

Here is a link to the newest draft of this script.

http://yousend.it/tTBkOF

In my opinion it is MUCH stronger.  Thanks to these forums, as well as Amazon and some other places where I've gotten actual reads, I've learned much of the unspoken rules of modern script formatting.  Took out MOREs and CONTINUEDs, too out CUT TO: and FADE TO:, etc.

I've also learned more of how to not overwrite action and avoid telling in the action.  So - this script is much short 103 pages.

I'd love to get some eyes on it.

Thanks,
Chazz
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ChazzChristopher
Posted: December 30th, 2011, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from kingcooky555
I took a quick look at this (first 20 pages).

Your opening is lackluster. It's just an establishing shot with the guy waking up. I don't know if you want to start with this if this is a spec. You should start at the elevator where there's at least a hint of tension. If you really must put the establishing shot, then you can do it later. Perhaps, when he comes home late for dinner?

The action doesn't really pick up until he lands on Wisconsin. So try to cut as much of the first 10 pages as possible and get the reader to Wisconsin ASAP.

Lastly, the name James Steward, the church scene... the failing marriage, the loss of a job... this just screams like a remake of "It's a Wonderful Life." I don't know if that was your intention or not.

Good luck with this and comment more on other scripts.


Hey Cooky - good comments.

I start with the establishing shot of the Steward's neighborhood for a very important reason.  I'm telling the story of a man who cares nothing for Christmas and has put his job in front of his family, even at Christmas time.  The opening shot is an exact opposite of the closing shot at the end of the script.

I start with James at home because ultimately his work is not what the story is about.  He is trying to save his family.  You're telling me there's no tension in a wife asking why he can't wait a bit to spend time with his kids?   That is the tension of the script - he has to figure out how to prioritize things correctly.

It is not a remake of "It's a Wonderful Life" by any stretch, though there are for sure homages to what I consider to be the best Christmas movie ever.  But beat for beat, it is nothing similar - this is ultimately a road trip movie.

I'd love to see what you think about the new version of the script

Thanks,
Chazz

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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: January 8th, 2012, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi Chazz.
I read through 20 pages. The story seems to be interesting and flows very well. Good job. I found some stuff that confused me:
First Page1 - How can the viewer know who's house it is and his or her merital status, children, just by looking at it from the outside... for the first time. Another thing is why doesn't his wife take care of christmas stuff for the babies? She seems to care about them.
Second page 1- "They take christmas very seriously," you mentioned this sentence two times in three consecutive sentences.
page 4- How do we know that the lowers fork for 500$ per hour just by looking at them?
That is all for now. But your writing is clear and easy to read.
take care
Jahon!
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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 8th, 2012, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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Hi Chazz,

I did a quick read through and I'm surprised that the others who commented on your script haven't mentioned anything that I'm about to, so I'm going to try and help.

I know some of this is format related, but you need help with it the same way I did when I started writing.

Your slugs need help. Here's an example.
You have:
EXT. OUTSIDE THE STEWARD'S HOME. EARLY MORNING

Should be:
EXT. STEWARD'S HOUSE - DAY


--Your first page you start off on the outside of the Steward's house and show a plain house with no decorations, then you show the neighborhood all decorated, then you go inside the Steward's house.

The way you set it up made me think that we were inside a house that was decorated.

You could have shown the neighborhood all decorated, then show the Steward's house (not decorated), then go to the inside of the Steward's house.

You do a lot of telling instead of showing.
Example that you have written:
James and Erica Steward live in Franklin Township, New Jersey with their 3 kids. Their house is a beautiful colonial - as is every house on their street.

Now if you want readers to know where you are, you could show the outside of their house and then write:
SUPER: "Franklin Township, New Jersey".

Here you have:
                         SEAN
             (ignores the relax)
They said whoever's buying the company...

You can just drop the ignores the relax because he goes ahead and speaks anyway.

A lot of your dialogue can be cut, too. You have some blocks of dialogue that have 16 lines of dialogue. It should only be 4 lines.

If you want to keep all of the dialogue you have, break it up with action, but I've been told that the dialogue should move the script forward, so I think you should cut where you can.

I'm not sure if the CONTINUED's that are in your script are put in automatically by the software that you are using, but if you got rid of all of them, you would cut probably 10 pages off of your script.

Also, you have: We leave their conversation behind and turn to look into the conference room. HARRY STONE, CEO and President of Homefront Insurance sits at a table.
You could just put:
CONFERENCE ROOM
HARRY STONE, CEO and President of Homefront Insurance sits at a table.

Anyway, I hope I've given you some help with this for your next rewrite.

Keep writing and rewriting as we all do.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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ChazzChristopher
Posted: January 10th, 2012, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for looking at the first few pages, guys.

This has gone through significant rewrites since this draft.  Here is a link to the new draft:

http://yousend.it/wKmhis

Thanks.
Chazz
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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 26th, 2012, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Ya know, it might be a good thing for you to send the new draft to Don.

If you let him know it is a rewrite, he will take down the old draft and replace it with the new.

That way you won't get anymore reads on something that you've already changed.

After you brought up the new draft, I went to check it out only to find out that I would have to download it from another site and I didn't feel comfortable about it.

So, if you send the new draft to Don and care for another read let me know.  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Conz
Posted: January 26th, 2012, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'm no pro or anything, and once you're established im sure you can get away with it, but i read a bunch of first drafts of optioned movies and i feel like i never even see "FADE IN" period.  I put it in, and I know people here are adimant about it, but i just randomly clicked about 7 scripts and not one had it.

Really though, why is it even needed?  it's page one?  We know that's where the story is starting.  I'm gonna use it, but im curious.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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