Never Meant To Be by Ashlea Burns - Drama - Story of a college student who works for a model/actor, they end up in a relationship. That is until his ex wife tries to end it, permentaly. 101 pages - pdf, format

Hello Ashlea,

Thought I'd take a look at the first 10 pages of your script. It looks like you're pretty new to screenwriting, so I'll address my comments accordingly.

First up, your logline. It's pretty dull. There's no hook, twist or sense of irony. A girl meets a guy and his ex gets in the way. So what? There's nothing that jumps out and says this script is inreresting, 'read me!' So, either your logline doesn't do your script justice, or you need to rethink your story.

The typo at the end may signal to a potential reader that he script is equally sloppy.

Your first page. Again, there is nothing compelling happening here. We are introduced to 2 girls drinking coffee. We learn absolutely nothing useful about who they are. The dialouge is incredibly stilted and on the nose. These girls speak like robots. The only purpose this exchange serves is to tell us, the reader/audience whats going on. Your first page needs to draw the reader in.

Some formatting issues. Turn off the continued, people know how to scroll or flip a page.

Once you have CAPPED and introduced your characters, you don't need to cap them again.

Don't tell us what's happening, SHOW US. Film is a visual medium, you need to start thinking VISUALLY. 'SALLY and CAITLYN sitting at a table discussing CAITLYN’S
new job.'

Leave out unfilmables, characters thoughts, peice of irrelevant information that cannot be shown etc. 'SALLY and CAITLYN leave the cafe. They head to the model
studio to meet the guy CAITLYN will be working for.'

There is absolutely no way for the reader to know where they are heading or who they are going to meet, visually speaking.

On Page 2, we see nothing o Nathan's world. There's a lost oppurtunity to SHOW him posing, have his picture taken, be directed by a photographer etc. Why is he sweating? Studios use difused lighting for these kinda shoots.

Stick to the simple present tense for action description. Instead of ' John is running up the stairs', use 'John runs up the stairs'. everything is happening right now.

Avoid personal direction. Actor (generally) know how to act.

My advise is to have a look at a few scripts on here and get a handle on format. Buy a book like 'Save The Cat'. It's not the bible, but it does offer a great way to quickly get a handle on the basics, even if it looks a little formulaic.

Eoin

Hi,
I got through about 30 pages- all I'll add to Eoin's comments is a recomendation to read your dialogue out loud to yourself. Your characters tend to speak without any contractions, while in real life we use them all the time-- especially in casual settings like coffee with a friend.

Cody

I agree. Plus on the second page there's a line:
'Caitlyn just stares at Nathan, she doesn't say a word. She just stands there in a trance' - besides the full stop at the end, it doesn't sound right.
Could be changed to something very simple like: 'Caitlyn stands staring at Nathan.' or 'Caitlyn stares at Nathan, as if she were in a trance.' We still get the point with these sentences and there is no need to add that Caitlyn doesn't say a word.
Hope this helps.