The League Undisclosed by Renee Joynson (bflywings) - Drama - When an aspiring writer falls for a pro football player her world turns into a web of lies and betrayal after a terrible incident on a night out with the team leads to her seeing no other option but to escape. 94 pages - pdf, format

Congrats finishing a screenplay! That's a task in itself.

Here are my thoughts:

I think you can make your first page stronger. Someone waking up and then typing her story and flashes back doesn't sound too exciting. If you're going to use a flash forward setup, make sure the "flash scene" is an exciting one (i.e. first scene in Breaking Bad's pilot episode).

You're writing style has very long paragraphs. For example:

Nicole enters the stylish, tropical bar. Music plays loud. A
small crowd dances on the dance floor. People throw darts at
the board in the corner. Others sits along the bar waiting to
be served, drinking and talking among themselves.

This can be broken down into 3 separate action lines. One line will be for Nicole. Another can show people throwing darts and another showing people at the bar. Or condense it to two separate lines: one with Nicole and then the rest of the bar patrons.

You also have a camera direction on page 1. I'd ditch this and just write "Blue skies...etc."

Good luck!

Thank you for your input kingcooky555, I've revised this script so much that I really needed a fresh set of eyes.

I understand exactely what you are saying and have just spent a couple of hours revising and fixing it up again which, call me crazy, but I love to do.

So again, many thanks. Your input has helped

Hey Renee,

Firstly, congrats on finishing a feature script. A feat on its own and something for me yet to accomplish so kudos on that.

I gave your first 10 pages a read today. I’ll be honest and say that the first 10 pages haven’t really done it for me, there’s not a lot happening at the moment but I’ll wait until reading further on to give you a overview.

The writing here is good, you’re new to this like me and I think you’ve done a fine job for a first script. My main complaint would be that you have a habit of over-writing, a lot superfluous detail that could easily be cut out for a cleaner read.  Some good stuff and you can see that you’ve put a lot of effort into learning the art of screenwriting which some don’t and throw scripts up without ever even reading a script. It shows commitment to your writing and script and that’s a good start IMO.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.1 I would take the title off page 1, not needed IMO.

Eric’s description is not great and is not descriptive at all in fact. How would the viewer know these things about him from watching him sleep?

Same with Nicole as well, we cannot see characters personal traits. Try to show instead of tell.

“lay” Wonder if lies would be better here.

I can already see from the first page that you’re over-writing scenes with superfluous details. You don’t have to tell the reader everything. Try to cut down the action sentences, it’s not that they’re long but they can definitely be cleaned up and shortened.

“Nicole sneaks out of bed, trying carefully not to wake Eric.
She tip-toes across the bedroom and walks down the hallway to
the...”

Could be...

“Nicole sneaks out of bed, tip-toes across the bedroom and exits”

“waits for it to load.” Although true, always waiting for mine to load but would it look good on camera and is it really important to the story? Cut to the chase and get rid of some of the superfluous details that add nothing to the story. Just a thought.

A big no-no here with the camera direction, try to avoid this in a spec. Also have to ask whether this scene is a flashback scene at the beach? If so, then you should probably state this with a BEGIN FLASHBACK transition.

Beach doesn’t need to be capped in the action.

“Teenagers sun bake” do you mean sunbathe?

P.2 A few awkward phrases here and there with the footballers.

Juzzy’s intro like the others could do with some work. All the intro’s need to be reworked IMO. Things like thoughtful and trying to keep a bad boy edge are not visual. Of course your character can be thoughtful but find a way to show this to the reader rather than telling us.

P.3 “Dave, 28” Not capped on first intro.

Try to avoid “ing” words if possible, I’ve seen a few instances when it would read a lot better without them.

This whole scene with the footballers at the beach reads so corny and reminds me of the Top Gun volley ball scene with “hanging with the boys” playing over the top. Hopefully this is not the image you were going for?

P.4 “EXT. FOOTPATH – DAY” I personally don’t think footpath on its own is a great slug.

The whole scene with the ice cream is over written IMO, it could easily be whittled down to one paragraph.

“the front of Nicole’s clothes.” Clothes or shirt, top?

P.6 No need for some of the parenthetical’s in the dialogue. It is sometimes stating the obvious as they are mentioning who they’re talking to by name, it’s wasted space.

The major problem for me so far is I’m not hooked into your story, it feels more like a soap story so far I’m sorry to say.

Nicole is having problems with Eric and then we go back to when they first met. The problem so far would be that I still know nothing substantial about them up to page 10.

I don’t feel connected to Nicole, I personally feel you need some more action going on in the first couple of pages. Something to connect us to the problem she will face.

Of course this is just my opinion on the first 10 pages so it could change the further I read on so I’ll wait to give judgement until continuing a bit further into the story.

Just remember, like the recent OWC that your first 10 pages need to entice the reader and make us want to read on. Some might even say they’re the most important because if you haven’t kept the reader interested then they’re not going to continue.

I’ll continue on as time allows.

Have a good week.

Steve

Hi Renee - quite a nice piece - the opening is a little bit slow - and like some of the comments here - it could be tightened up a little bit. After page 7 or so, you do seem to warm to your theme.

I quite liked Lucy - but I did find it strange that Nicole went to work in a bakery - also felt that it may have been useful to bring in Lucy a little earlier - she adds a nice demension to it.

Overall it was pretty well written, little in the way of grammar mistakes etc, and it was an easy ready - easy on the eye.

The ice-cream scene is probably a little superfluous. I know it's a cliche, but simply having a stray football plonk on Nicole's head is just as effective as it brings the guys together, and that's all we really want to do.

Having Nicole take a last minute change of mind to join Eric I think is good, and having her in 'his territory' makes her more vulnerable -  but again, this could probably have been done effectively without her airport scene.

I'd probably agree that Nicole's character could do with fleshing out some - but that may come with a rewrite.

Couple of minors here:

p.20
# buts in
-- should be 'butts in'?

p.34
# Beside service
-- should be 'Bedside service'?

p.38
# He is smiles
-- 'He smiles'

Apart from that, nicley written - wish you the best with it.

Steve and 007 (or should I call you bond?), thanks for your comments, very much appreciated.
I agree with you both on it being too long to get into, so I've cut Cody speaking at the start, Nicole's bathroom scene, outside the pub scene and Nicole's airport scene when she leaves. After you pointed it out - I did realize that these scenes were unnecessary and now the pace has been quickened. I have also changed Nicole to sleeping at the start then she jolts awake.

Steve,
The main place that I got most of my script research says that it is customary to add the title at the top of the first page, but I have now found another site that says not to do it, so I am now confused, but I've taken it off the revised copy.
Although I do agree, after looking at it again, about changing the character despriptions a little, I looked it up and the best site that had examples of scripts from popular movies stated that:
'Most good screenwriters cheat a little, particularly when introducing a character. Since the screenwriter has mere words, it’s generally okay to throw an unfilmable sentence or two at a particularly important moment. And there’s no more important moment in the script than the introduction of a key character. The best character introductions tend to include both a sense of what you see (the character’s physical appearance) and an intriguing tidbit about their personality and/or situation.'
But I do have some non-important characters that also have long decriptions that need fixing too.
Again thanks for your comments - everything helps.

SiColl007,
I'm glad that you liked it and thanks for your nice comments.
I did have another scene with Lucy and Nicole after Eric had proposed, but I removed it. I'll now think about putting it back in.
Thank you for pointing out the issues on pg 20, 34 and 38 - now fixed.
I did think about the football hitting Nicole, but it's the exact same opening as 'Just Married', so I didn't want to pinch it. If it really doesn't fit then I'll try to come up with another idea. Thanks again.

Hey Renee,

I have continued on from page 10 today.  The writing is good, neat and tidy. My only complaint like before would be about the overwriting but I still suffer from this. I think this gets better the more you read and write, it’s about telling more with less.

Also some of the dialogue felt unnatural and on the nose to me, especially when Nicole explains her past to Eric in the hotel room.

And like before I think the character intro’s need work but this is just my opinion.

Other than that it’s been a very good read and I’m impressed with your writing. Good work!

These are the notes I took:

P.20 “name” Should be names.

P.21 “buts” Should be butts.

P.23 “EXT. POND – DAY (SUNSET)” Get rid of day and just have sunset.

Also like the use of “ute” I’ve never seen that in a screenplay.

Side question while I think about it. What “football” do you mean here? Is it Aussie rules? Or Soccer? Maybe a silly question but I come from England where we call soccer its rightful name of football but in Oz it’s called soccer. Just curious as it’s never explained in the script so far.

P. 25 Always try to keep paragraphs to 4 lines max, less is better.

Did we meet Mick? I can’t remember.

Why would Nicole sweep in such revealing attire? Hardly work clothes.

P. 26 “I Will do.” “will” doesn’t need to be capped.

P. 28 I would personally cut down on the wrylies, they are unnecessary sometimes.

I’ll stop at page 29 today and will hopefully finish this later in the week.

I’m still finding it difficult to get into this story, sorry to say. I find Nicole and Eric very boring and to be honest, all the side characters like Juzzy are more interesting at the moment.

Have a good one.

Steve

Hey Renee,

I continued on a bit more tonight and these are the notes during the read.

P.29 “Bar tenders” Believe this should be one word.

“Eric hands him a birthday card with cash inside” I have to ask how we would know there is cash inside? Cody doesn’t open the card?

“They all clang their shot glasses together” Wonder if you mean “clink” instead of clang?

P.30 “INT. “RODNEY’S” BAR – NIGHT (LATER)”

Honestly think you could take night out here, in fact you could just have a mini-slug “later”

“A wave of sickness becomes Nicole.” This reads a bit awkward.

P.31 Juzzy’s driving home? Wouldn’t he be drunk as well? The character you’ve built him to be surely would be so I think there needs to be some information here as to why he’s driving and hasn’t been drinking unless he’s drink driving of course?

P.33             JUZZY
        Had a little bit too much to
        drink?

Didn’t like this line. Hopefully this isn’t supposed to be a serious question? Juzzy can’t be that stupid?

P.34 “Beside service.” Should be “bedside”

P.38 “He is smiles” should be “He smiles”

Watch out for repetitive use of words in your action, it happens quite a lot in the first 40 pages.

“A car stops outside the house.” This is telling IMO, we’re apparently in the kitchen so how do we see the car outside?

P.39 “counting the till.” Is she literally counting the till or the money from the till?

“disturbing the piece.” Should be peace.

“they’ve grow up” Grown instead of grow.

P.40       “And it would have to be good
           evidence because those boys will
           always stick up for one another.”

Not a fan of this dialogue, it’s like she already knows something? This whole scene felt wrong with Lucy, it was too on the nose for me.

P.41 “She takes a deep breathes” think it should be “breath.”

“EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY – AFTERNOON”

Didn’t like this slug, why have afternoon and day?

P.46 “the pink evening gown that Eric bought” This is a perfect example of a line that could be tightened easily. In the scene before this, we found out Eric bought the gown so why have it in the action here? It’s just redundant IMO.

P.49 “Cody walks up to Eric, holding his clothes.” How did Cody get his clothes? He was wearing them before?

I stopped at page 51 tonight and hope to finish this up tomorrow or Wednesday.

I’ll give some thoughts on the story after I’ve finished but it’s definitely picking up now after a slow start.

Cheers.

Steve

Hey Renee,

Finished up today on your first script and wanted to mention again how good this is for a first feature. The writing on the whole is good. My major problem was the overwriting like I mentioned before, this needs to be tightened and a lot of the superfluous detail taken out. Also remember to keep the action to 4 lines max, less is better of course.

The wrylies need to be cut down, they need to be used more sparingly IMO. Now I don’t normally mention this but there were a lot of orphans in your script. I think the recent thread just made them stand out more to me when reading and it’s something to look out for and could help in saving you some space here.

Also watch out for repetitive use of words and expressions. I could have found many upon many times of someone taking a “deep breath” or “drives away”.

I guess why I’m on the writing, I wasn’t a fan of your character intro’s and although you’ve explained your reasoning which I accept BTW. It was random characters that never came across right like the nurse and the receptionist at the news building for example. They had a couple of lines but we were told about their appealing, welcoming smile. Not needed IMO.

Lastly, the last 15 pages, especially the chase scene with Juzzy and Nicole felt messy and the slugs never worked for me. I would clean that up and make it clearer for a better visual read.

The story started slow and this needs to be rectified straight away, you need to entice the reader to continue and this never got going until after page 30.

I thought the middle section was the best part with the drugging of Nicole and could feel for Nicole’s situation. She was between a rock and a hard place and it was a real dilemma for her whether to tell Eric or not and would he trust her or his friends. This is the part of the story I feel you need to expand and concentrate more on.

I think it fell apart after Nicole disappeared and Eric went to visit Ben, the story then became too coincidental for my liking. The fact that Ben lived in the town where Nicole is and the random newspaper was a real cliché scene, even the fake death felt out of place.

So then we come to final act, a plan to get a confession out if Juzzy which I have to admit, I didn’t think he gave. Nothing worked for me in this part at all I’m sorry to say, from the party with masks to a secret wire and the cat and mouse chase down random alleys. I don’t know, just thought there was a more clever way to catch Juzzy in the act. Also, Juzzy was just so stupid, why try to kill Nicole? She has no real evidence as far as I could see?

The ending was happy and sweet, also nice that you tied Nicole’s back story in at the end with her parents.

I think this would have been stronger if you had come to the punch quicker and then concentrated on Nicole’s character arc, get rid of the fake death side story. The reader begins to feel for her then she disappears, why not let her struggle continue. It would have been good to see her fragile character get stronger on her own rather than missing two years of her life.

The characters were weak IMO: Nicole is fine, needs to be developed a bit more overall but okay.  The rest felt flat with me sorry to say. Eric was poor and needed more to do, Juzzy come off as one of those rich “my father’s the sheriff, mayor” type that we’ve seen hundreds of times. I don’t think he was a bad antag but I would have liked to have seen more of him before the main plot point with Nicole. Think his character needed to be set-up better.

The rest, mainly the football team just didn’t stand out and were all the same character really, no individual personalities at all.

Ben came in too late and felt exactly like the device he was supposed to be “move the story along character” He had no personal story, he was there when needed to drive a car, break into a laptop etc. This is fine of course, every story has them but they sometimes have their own side plot or something to tie them into the overall story. Just a thought as he comes across as so random and lazy at the moment, feel he needs more depth other than a quick mention that he hates the football team because they bullied him at high school.

Overall it’s a good piece for a first feature and you should be proud as this is nowhere near as bad as some I’ve read and had it definitely had its moments but I’m afraid it doesn’t quite work for me at this present time.

I think with a rewrite, tightening the action and fleshing out some of the characters more, this has potential.  

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.51 ”Can you seen anything?” typo here, seen should be see.

“EXT.FISHING BOAT – DAY” Spacing in the slugs is off and has changed here for some reason?

Some lines of action on this page so far:

“desperation in his eyes”

“determination on his face.”

“sadness on his face”

Too much of this kind of description IMO and something to look out for on a rewrite.

P.52 “and going inside.” Typo, goes instead of going.

P.58 “Eric pushes himself up out off the sofa to stand.” This doesn’t sound right at all. “Out” shouldn’t be in this sentence.

P.59 Okay, I suspected that Ben would unlock the laptop in a couple of minutes so the whole sequence before is superfluous for me, it adds nothing more to the story IMO. We learn that the team were idiots in high school but that was pretty evident from what they’re like now.

P.62 “Eric looks up at the roof” Think you mean ceiling as they’re inside.

P.63 “the centre of the town.” Take out the second “the”

P. 65 “She out on assignment today” She should be “She’s”

P.67 “I buried and empty coffin.” Typo, an instead of and.

I’ve noticed that the characters say each other’s names a lot in the dialogue. I think this is unusual, think about when you speak to your friends, do you always say their names like this. Just a thought.

P.75 “He opens his laptop and plugs his earphones in.” How do we see this? The scene is set outside the town hall? There have been quite a lot of inconsistencies with the slugs IMO.

P.77 “I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this façade.” A bit early don’t you think for this line, they’ve literally been doing this façade for what, 30 seconds?

“Dave puts on hand on Eric’s chest.” Typo, think you meant “one” instead of “on” Or “a”?

P.78 “finally move on.” Personally would have preferred moving over move here.

“INT. TOWN HALL – NIGHT (LATER)”

Think a mini slug “later” would have sufficed here. Either that or take out “night”

P.79 “clang” Again, like before think this should be clink?

“What he’s trying say is that we’re happy you’ve moved.” Missing “on” at the end of this line.

P.80 ”Juzzy puts his arm in the air.” Why? Is he at school?

This doesn’t seem to be playing out right? Juzzy surely wouldn’t do this again to a random date of Eric’s? He has no idea who this woman is?

P.81 “Eric pretends to be happy.” Not a fan of this line.

P.82 “that Eric had given Ben” Just another example of superfluous material in the action that has already been explained. I honestly think this whole script could be shortened by 5 to 10 pages, maybe more.

P.83 “I took a sip, I hope you don’t mind?” Think this would read better if the “I” was taken out before hope.

                       JUZZY
             My father’s the chief of police
             around here. I don’t think we’re
             gonna get pulled over tonight.

Well this explains one of my earlier comments. Still doesn’t feel right that Eric would have let Juzzy drive Nicole home knowing he’s drunk.

“He drives around town” Thought they were going to Eric’s house?

P.85 “Thanks for the confession Juzzy.” What confession? Don’t think what he said could be considered as a confession. Could be wrong of course.

P.86 Need a change of slug here when Nicole exits the jeep.

P.88 “No. She’ll never make.” Missing “it” at the end of this line.

“EXT. STREET – NIGHT”

Not a great slug IMO. Why not Williams Street? That’s where she told Eric she was?
“Juzzy’s runs” How many Juzzy’s are there?

“She runs towards the road at the end at the end of the side
street.” Take out one of these.

Throughout there has been a lot of “catching, taking a deep breath” Something to look out for, it becomes repetitive and overused.

P.89 this whole action scene is messy IMO, we’re going left and right down roads, alleys, parking lots and steps and it’s all under the same slug. It’s getting confusing and that is never a good thing.

P.91                    NICOLE
               Wouldn’t you be out of bullets by
               now?

Depends on the gun? As it’s a pistol and there are many varieties, it’s most likely he wouldn’t even be close. Again this depends on if it was a full clip or not? Maybe it was a rhetorical question…oops.

P.93 definitely need some change of slugs here.

P.95 “Eric, distressed, lifts Nicole’s lifeless body into his arms.” No! Never do this, don’t move an injured person and take pressure from the wound, this is basic first aid stuff…just kidding of course but in all seriousness, what is Eric trying to achieve? The paramedics are there.

“NICOLE’S P.O.V. – THROUGH CLOSED EYES”

Seems strange to have a P.O.V through closed eyes?

“light pink uniform” Funny colour for a nurses uniform?

P.96 “beside” Typo, should be bedside.

P.100 Another camera direction at the end here.

Hope this helps.

All the best with it, Renee.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply Steve, haven't been able to do it for the last couple of weeks.
Thanks for your very detailed and indepth feedback, very much appreciated. I didn't realize that I had so many typo's - thanks for pointing them all out.
As for the fake death - I've been told by other readers before that it was a 'brilliant' twist - so I am going to stick with it - but thank you for your opinion. I might drag the middle out a little longer and maybe add a mini confrontation between Eric and Nicole where she tries to tell him before the cruise.  I am also going to change up their reunion. Still trying to figure it out though - any suggestions?
Plus I think Im going to change the chase scene as well, I always felt like I wanted to make it more of a League thing against Eric not just a Juzzy thing at the end - hence the title 'The League Undisclosed', but never realy came up with a good idea until now - so I was thinking about having Eric write a note about what has happened and advising that the team should be investigated to one of the constables, but because the whole town is like a little alliance, the contstable takes the note to the cheif and he confronts Juzzy and tells him that he'd better sort it out. Juzzy takes the note to the team and they get pissed off and a full blown confrontation happens between the team, Eric and Nicole at the end of season party, where Eric and Nicole enter thinking that they have the upper hand but they dont.
Opinions??

Thanks again.

Renee.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the original version. The latest version is now up and I would really like to know anyone's thoughts on it. Your opinions last time helped to shape the way it has turned out now, hopefully it is a lot better.  

Hi Renee - I saw this dropping off, so I thought I bump it up some. I'll try and do a proper read soon, but I can't fit it in immediately.

From the off, this is a full step ahead of the previous version, so get whoever is closest to you to pat your back.

Couple of things first, and then hopefully I'll get a read in this week:

1. Just to avoid looking like an out-of-the-gate newbie, your page numbering: First page (FADE IN:) gets left blank, and numbering starts from page 2. (page 2 is numbered page 2).

2. Your second sentence doesn't work as it should to my mind. It almost works to visual and subject passivity. It may be better to go for the boat in the distance first, and then a separate line for all the party-goers and associated description.

Page one packs a lot in without rushing - I like that. Some I'm sure will be irked by the V.O., but I guess that's a personal choice.

Nice description of Nicole - immediately shows a conflicted character.

So by page 2 you actually got more in here than you did in five pages of the previous? Good stuff. Like the way you played Eric and Juzzy - we've got these guys in an instance.

I'll try and do a better read, but so far it's looking peach.

Simon

Thanks Simon. Much appreciated.

Just wondering how to change the page numbering - I tried deleting 1. from the header on the first page and it deleted all page numbers, so I'm not sure what to do. I'm using Script Smart Gold US and converting it with Cute PDF Writer, if that helps any.

The second line - I'll see how I can work it better.

I saw on another thread that a few people hated V.O, but yeah, it's my personal choice to add it and there is a lot of it during the midpoint - I kind of need it work in this script, so hopefully it does.

Many thanks for the praise - means alot to be moving forward, definitely brightened my day.

Oh - and I added another scene with Lucy - hope you like.  

Renee

This is quite accomplished for a first script -- a clean, easy read -- though I have to admit my attention did wander at points during the first half of this story.  This script is clearly coming from a feminine point of view, without much for the guys; at least, not early on.

Ultimately, however, I was glad I stuck it out -- because you do construct a pretty terrific midpoint break to shoot this story off into an entirely new direction.  It was at that point I became genuinely interested in where you were going.

The whirlwind courtship between Nicole and Eric proceeded kind of fast, but in retrospect I suppose there was nothing I could not buy into on the screen with the right actors in place.

An important point, however, is that I could not buy Nicole agreeing to a ride home from Juzzy -- and particularly less so when Eric is a party to this decision.  That was just too contrived.

Of course, the whole story hinges on these two finding themselves alone at some point, but you should find a different mechanism to accomplish this -- and more importantly, Eric should not be complicit in these circumstances.  For what you are trying to accomplish with Nicole, this poor lapse in judgment should be hers and hers alone to bear.  This serves to make her anguish more complete as a character, and helps lend more credence to what she does later.  

I also found some of the exposition is a bit clunky.  Like when the wives discuss the ongoing feud between Eric and Juzzy, or when Nicole reveals her past to Eric, then apologizes for "...rambling all of that off to you."  It was almost like you were apologizing to us, the reader haha.  

It is a very difficult trick to deliver backstory in a way that feels organic to the story.  Bogart is supposed to have once said, "Whenever I have to deliver exposition, I hope they put two camels behind me f***ing so the audience will have something interesting to watch!"  For this script, when you move to exposition, you need to find something like Bogart's camels.

Juzzy is fine as your amoral antagonist, but he could be far more menacing.  Apart from his violation of Nicole, after that, his actions are pretty much confined to following her around in his car and occasionally shouting things from the window.  Step him up.  Make him much, much worse.

You have all the makings of a nice noir thriller in place, but it lacks a bit of weight in its current form, and if you are willing to go there, I think this piece would benefit greatly from going a bit darker.  More violence from Juzzy throughout, both real and implied, to up the stakes.  Nicole has a great deal of inner turmoil, but it is not until the end that we ever get the sense she is actually in any danger here, and I think she should be.  She needs to be terrified.

And while you have the "cute" angle nailed for the relationship between Eric and Nicole, there are only hints of the sexuality that must be there somewhere.  Because you do so well with Juzzy as a sexual predator early on, maybe look to him for some inspiration to exploit elsewhere.  Instead of having Nicole repulsed by Juzzy, some hints of a "bad-boy" attraction could spice things up and make his eventual betrayal all the more terrifying for Nicole, given the additional baggage that comes with self-doubt and ambiguity.  

I am sure it must sound incredibly trite to say what this script needs is "more sex and violence."  You do have a great skeleton here for your story -- particularly the midpoint that turns everything on its ear -- but for sheer marketability you need to dig into some darker places and dredge up a little more ugly in this story.

I would also recommend the 1991 film "Sleeping with the Enemy" if you have not already seen it.  A very different story, but explores some of the same themes, and Julia Roberts and Nicole end up having a great deal in common over the course of the film.  It is not the greatest movie, but you might well find a little something to take away from it.

Nice work here.  Let me know if any of my comments need additional clarification.

Okay - haven't managed to read all of this yet - hopefully I''ll get to read the las to fit later.

It's still over-written in the first fifty pages or so, and from I can see the structure is wrong.

Make s it a bit tricky as I've not read the whole thing, and the mid-twist changes everything so that makes things tricky.

You've foreshadowed stuff, but I get the feeling that the opener needs to be more up-front - I just have the feeling of close up of water - then bang! as a body hits it. It felt okay in the initial read, but then I didn't feel that the person hitting the water had any impact - so when I found they did - that changed thing and I felt you really needed to go for literally and metophorically a bigger impact.

I don't think you get to your key themes quick enough. The story themes are (and I haven't finished it so can't totally tell, but):
1. Back-drop: Group using GBH.
2. Juzzy targets Nicole.
3. Conflict: Eric part of group.
4. Eric Nicole relationship.

I think the themes need to be brought forward somewhat so that they are set a little earlier - Juzy vs Eric is not outlines only referred to - this could easily be a central conflict.

Eric comes accross tooo bland - I think he needs to conflict with Nicole a bit more - "I love her but she's always like ..."

Lucy relationship - Lucy is very flat. I like the relationship - like a mother figure, but often the dialogue is over-long, and the Lucy character never really comes to life.

She looks at the phone then takes her anger out on it,
smashing it against the bench until it’s completely broken.
-- is a bit tell not show.

Post Nicole disapearing the writing seems to get better - didn't understand why this was -- but the whole thing (not just the writing) was a bit more edgy.

I'll try and finish later.

Thanks Bert and Simon for the input.

Bert - I completely see what you are saying with the relationship between Nicole and Juzzy. If she was a bit more 'playful' with him then the situation would seem worse. It was one of those slap in the face moments - right in front of me, but couldn't see it till you pointed it out - will be much better that way, so thankyou for that.

I also agree that she needs to decide to go with Juzzy without Eric around - I think I have that scene worked out, just need to write it.

I've been thinking about what scene I could add to make Juzzy come across as more menacing in the first half - any suggestions??

Sleeping with the Enemy - watched it many years ago and remember liking it - maybe my subconcious was kind of running off that, lol. As you've said, will have to watch it again and see what I can take away from it.

Simon - I'm not sure what you mean by 'the structure is wrong', examples?
I posted this straight after I'd written the rewrite - I'll read over it again and see what I can do again to spice Eric up.

I remember after posting this there's a scene where Nicole knocks Eric back for sex and he says ok and rolls over, I'm now not happy with it - I think he should inturn get upset with her over it.

I think the writing gets better after Nicole disappears casue I was working on this more that the start. Will have to work on the start more this time.

Quoted from RJ I'm not sure what you mean by 'the structure is wrong'

Okay - JMO, but this is my take on it.

Your story goes:

A girl meets a boy who knows this guy who's involved in a football team using GBH.

But looking at the central themes, you have:

The football team use GBH. There's two key members of that team - Eric and Juzzy. A new girl comes into town, and...

So we can establish the protag fine, but then it's usually important to establish the key challenge/problem etc - which is basically the dealings and goings-on of the football team, and then the two become intertwined -- two members of the football team become inextricably involved with Nicole.

One of the Guys is supporting Nicole - great - and they become romantically involved - even better - and the other Guy - upping the ante - is the police chief's son. And something's going to happen so that all parties can't win.

So what I'm basically saying is that in the way you have written it, Nicole almost 'wanders' into these facts, but if it were structured differently, these facts would dramatically conspire against each other.

Hope that makes sense ...

I kind of got the first time I read over it, but then I reread it and I'm kind of lost. Maybe I'm analyzing it too much or maybe I'm just tired, sorry.

Well if you're looking at your Act One, you're looking at your Set-up, and this includes the Genre.

If you look at your log-line, you refer to the 'confrontation' with the football team (and two of its key-members).

This suggests that Eric and Juzzy 'belong' in the backdrop of the football team, so the football team (and either what they get up to, or hints (foreshadowing) of what they get up to need to be referred to in the set up.

In simple terms, the presence of the football team is a key function of the story, as is, IMO, the relationship between Eric (Nicole's Good Guy) and Juzzy (Nicole's Bad Guy).

Ask a stranger to read up to page 10. They'll tell you it's a love-story, and that the girl may have some personal issues to get over.  But if you showed them pages 35-45, then it's a drama, and the girl has conflicts - i.e. mixed genres.

It can be a love-story and a drama, but if it's going to be that, then there needs to be some element of setting out the stalls at the beginning.

I think this element of 'wandering in' also shows itself with the relationship between Juzzy and Eric - they fairly genuinely appear to be good friends at the beginning, but Juzzy clearly, later on, has issues with Eric. So again, the nature of the relationship between the two hasn't been properly established (set-up). I think it's fine to have Juzzy acting out a friendly relationship with Eric, but there needs to be even the slightest hint that Juzzy hates Eric.

I think it's just a case of establishing the key elements that you're later going to visit - not even laying them on heavily, just referring to them, or suggesting their existence.

Ok, I understand what you're saying now. Thanks for clearing that up. It sounds like I really need to put some work into Act 1.

However my main prob with my last version was the ending. I had a few people say that it didn't fit and at one point someone said the whole 'gun' scene at the end actually came across as comical to the rest of the story.

Just wondering what your thoughts are on the ending in this version? Whether it actually fitted or not?

Hey Renee,

Sorry for the delay in getting round to this, was waiting for your reply on the pm.

Well let's start with the good news and this that this was a very clean read, you've done a good job of keeping it neat and tidy and by this I mean punctuation and grammar. You've also cleaned up that final chase sequence and it reads all the better for it.

The majority of the problems with the writing for me were the same as last time which is overwriting, superfluous details and repetitiveness. It bogged down the read making it more strenuous at times but this just my opinion on that and an amateur one at that.

The opening was a lot better, but it does have a few issues like a character speaking that we've never been introduced to. The fact that it opens on a scene that will come into play later on isn’t wrong but maybe needs to be made clear, it would be confusing for the reader and take until 50 odd pages to be revealed what it was all about.

And the biggest flaw in the opening is still the pacing, it’s slow for my liking. It wasn't until after page 30 that things really started to heat up. Maybe you need to throw some conflict into these early pages and keep the reader interested.

The middle section has been changed; we concentrate more on Nicole this time around rather than Eric just happening to bump into her. I'm sure she had journalist job or something in the first draft. I have to admit that I wasn't a massive fan of all the voiceover in this section but maybe this just more preference on my part. I'm also pleased to see you got rid of the clichéd newspaper article which was used in Nicole's reveal last time, and overall you’ve given this middle act a nice little overhaul.

As soon as they were reunited the pace quickens and the final act was a lot smoother than the previous one as well as the writing was leaner. My only gripe would be the whole leave a note for a cop side which was a tad unconventional and didn't make a lot of sense.  I mean he could have sent an e-mail or txt message instead of a note.

I had a few problems with small aspects of the story like why a small town has such a rich football team who drive around in fancy cars and live in big houses with pools? If it’s that sort of team then they would be more famous and hence this sort of thing would be impossible to get away with. This might need some explaining.

I have to be honest and say that only Nicole stood out in this one which is good in a way because she's your protagonist but also bad because that means I'm saying no other character shone. Eric is just so soppy and calm throughout except for one punch on a wall and the last fight. The relationship between Eric and Nicole doesn't really get developed enough for me and when there should have been conflict/tension it was avoided. Did they ever argue once throughout or raise their voices to one another? I don't think so but Eric should have been more decisive when he knew something was up with Nicole.

Juzzy was okay as your antag but probably been could have been more devious to be fair but the rest of the team and their partners were...well I don't remember much about them.

Your exposition sometimes felt very on the nose and long-winded like the scene with the partners telling Nicole about Juzzy and Eric's past. And poor old Lucy was just an information tower with no real story or plot of her own. Remember characters need to come alive and not just feel like tools to move your plot forward which unfortunately in both cases above, it felt exactly like that.

So while there is a lot to smile about here, improvements for sure but I still feel there are certain areas that need attention to get this where you want it to be. Spice up your first act, give it some more conflict. Maybe the bad blood between Juzzy and Eric could be shown instead of told, a good old fashioned argument at the BBQ or something.

Try to concentrate more on the personal relationship of Eric and Nicole, why they like each other and so forth. Apart from a montage scene and the proposing, we didn't see a lot of them together. I also think Eric could be given more to do; he comes across very bland at the moment.

And all the other team members and their partners need personality because right now as is they are very forgettable. Why not throw in a B story to do with the team, maybe they’re on a great winning streak, about to win their first championship in years something to raise the stakes of why they are so determined to shut Nicole up.

Wish you all the luck with it and hope this helps.

Some notes to follow:

p.1 "Blues skies." just "blue" skies, not blues.

And now I'm thinking you might need a super here to let the reader know this is before the woman falling from the boat...I know it is because I've read it. I can't remember the time line but something like:

"SUPER: SIX MONTHS EARLIER"

Just a thought unless you're going to confuse some readers.

I remember not liking the character descriptions last time and I'm afraid I haven't change my mind...a lot of telling going on which is okay in small amounts but there is quite a lot for my liking...I think your overdoing it but I guess it's preference.

P.2  "team mates." One word. teammates.

P.3 "throws the football at Eric." I thought Eric had the ball?

3/4 The scene with the ice-cream vendor is what I would describe as overwriting and showing superfluous details and these type of scenes need to be trimmed. I'm a massive offender of this also and it's something to keep watch on.

"She stands, disappointed, looking down at the mess." Why mention her standing? She never sat down.

"She gawks down at the mess, disappointed."

Clothes...she was at the beach? Is she wearing a bikini or just plain clothes? This might need to be made apparent.

P.5 "(to Nicole)" Unnecessary parenthetical here, he wouldn't be introducing himself to Eric me thinks.

P.6 "A small crowd dances on the floor" Look to tighten your action whenever possible "on the floor" is redundant, I never thought they were dancing on the ceiling like Lionel Richie.

P. 7  "you leave this tropical paradise?" Where are they actually? I'm guessing Thailand?

P.10 "Nicole nods her head." Get rid of "her head" it's understood.

P.11 "Sun beams from under the edge of curtains hung above a large window." This reads awkward.

P.13 "Eric passes a coffee to Nicole." What about the cappuccino?

P.14 "CODY, MICK, ROB and PETE, all in their mid 20’s, attractive and cocky." This isn’t a great way to intro these characters IMO, it makes them forgettable, try to spread them out and give them some individuality. I was reading this page once; maybe it could be helpful to you here.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1301081426/

P.15 "Pete biffs the football at Mick and Mick drops his beer." Change "and Mick" with "who" it would make this read a lot cleaner.

It strikes me strange that Eric wouldn't go in with Nicole at the house and introduce her to the ladies...kinda rude don't you think just to leave her to do it.

P.16 Watch out for the “on the nose” dialogue which is redundant…the picture of Juzzy and his dad is more than enough info for later on but they go to tell her that it’s his dad who is chief of police. It feels random to even ask the question “is that Juzzy?” when you consider she’s in his house.

P.18 “mom” or “mum” doesn’t bother me which but choose one and stick to it for consistency.

“It’s really nothing to worry about.” You have to ask why they said anything then? Or why Eric and Juzzy hang around with one another…I’m sure there are other teams to play for.

“bon fire” one word, bonfire.

P.20 “gob smacked” again one word.

My concern so far would be the pacing, not a lot is happening and we’re 20 pages in. There’s already been talk of proposing from the town gossip Lucy yet I haven’t seen enough of the relationship to believe this.

Overwriting is ever present in your writing, a lot of superfluous details and repetitiveness. Examples like:

“Nicole enters through the back door”

“Nicole enters from the hallway”

“Nicole enters the small, quaint, eat in or take away bakery.”

Why not start the scene with Nicole already in the room. Think of when they say entering the scene late and leaving early and try to incorporate that.

P.25 I noticed it before but thought it doesn’t matter but being the picky bastard I am, I’m gonna mention it.

Nicole states “I wouldn’t want to put Lucy through the trouble of having to find someone else.”

So who was the young girl who hired Nicole in the first place at the bakery? Maybe it should be Lucy?

“slats” typo, slaps

P.26 “The Place is packed.” Why is “place” capped?

P.27 “INT. “RODNEY’S” BAR – LATER” No need for the full slug…just LATER would suffice.

P.28 I’m surprised that Eric is happy for Juzzy to drive Nicole home even if Juzzy says he hasn’t had a lot to drink. Also remember that Juzzy was drinking hard liquor before meaning just two/three of them will put him over the limit. Don’t these guys watch the adverts about drink driving?

P.30 “He smiles cunningly” I didn’t like this line…too Disney villain for me.

P.36 “Past that the details are a little sketchy.” I was confused by this line?

P.39 I think Rob was pretty stupid to bring up Juzzy on the phone to Nicole, he’s now implicated himself right.

P.41 “Cody and Mick” Have we met Mick?

P.43 “grow” grown.

P.44 “And we have a winning league” Does she mean team?

P.50 “I assure I can Miss Stanford.” Missing “you” I think after assure.

“pushing you luck” You should be your.

I personally think the chief should have a name, something to give some personality. Just a thought.

“FOOT STEPS” one word.

Do a ctrl-f on the words (walks, towards, begins, enters, sits) and try to change some of these. Every scene does come across as repetitive because of the constant use of these words.

P.54 “looses” loses.

P.56 “It’s” watch out for this when it should be “its”

P.58 “BEGIN FLASHBACK” You’ve changed your technique half way through, it was in the slug before? Again good to be consistent.

“I knew I had limited time frame.” Add “a” after limited.

P.59 Okay I’m just going to stop here and say “plot hole” You’ve got Nicole going back to Eric’s dripping wet meaning mess and then grabbing a duffel bag and belongings. Yes I know she says he wouldn’t notice but please…nobodies that stupid. I think he would notice and remember he’s hanging onto some hope that she’s still alive so why wouldn’t he notice. Any opportunity to believe she’s not dead.

P.61 “walks over her.” Sounds painful, certainly no way to treat a customer.

Where is Nicole getting money from to buy a brand-new laptop? I guess Eric also didn’t notice all the money gone from the shoebox or wherever they hid it? Can’t be from a bank account because then the police would get involved. Dead people don’t use their bank accounts.

P.64 There is way too much voice over for my liking at the moment. I think it needs to be reduced in this segment.

Coach could also do with a name “coach Carter”, not that because it’s a movie but something. I wonder why Nicole didn’t think of going to the coach over the discipline of his players?

“You can’t let you’re emotions” your.

P.68 Is this Ben the same one that sold the laptop to Nicole?

P.71 “INT. BEN’S HOUSE/KITCHEN – NIGHT” Why are they suddenly at Ben’s house? They were originally at Eric’s?

“I’ve got a fantastic photographic memory.” How convenient!

“Eric punches a whole in the wall.” Typo, hole but why isn’t Ben pissed at Eric for punching a hole in the wall.

P.72 “I guess I’ll go to the guest bedroom.” But it’s his house? I think you got slug wrong, easy fix. They were at Ben’s in the first draft though right?

P.74 “should know about lose” typo, should be loss.

P.81 “I don’t know how long I can keep up this façade.” I remember this line, didn’t like it then either…I mean they’ve literally been there 30 seconds.

“She flashes him a cheesy grin.” How do we see this under the mask? What kind of masks are these? Everybody can tell people apart at the moment.

P.84 Ned goes from one office to another but we never change slugs?

P.88 “paper work” one word.

P.91 “Juzzy’s groan” groin.

P.95 “ally” alley.

P.96 “beside table” bedside

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hi Renee. I didn't really have a problem with the ending, I think it worked well - Eric came to the rescue, and there was a nice twist with Juzzy sussing Nicole immediately. It could have been a bit more violent - that may be where some of the complaints are coming from?

It was good to see Eric being a little bit more positive. I think one of the key problems you have is the relationship dynamics. I agree with some of the points that Coop's made, and I think some of it could be sorted out in the set-up.

One of my personal theories with Hollywood (excluding Rom-Coms), is that females protagonist aren't allowed to have boyfriends (or, they can have boyfriends, but they must be baddie-boyfriends).

I think this is generally due to the fact that the bloke is supposed to 'take-over' (certainly Eric rescues the day in the end in your script). So to prevent the boyfriend taking over, they are either removed/banned (Aliens, Kill Bill, Erin Brockovich?), or made into baddies (Charlie's Angels, Tomb Raider, etc).

I think this, in part, is why Eric is seen a such a sop in this script. Maybe one of the ways round this is to have him disbelieve Nicole, and have competing conflicts withing the football team (crucial match comng up, Juzzy trying to get hold of Eric's captaincy etc). As a B story, this would give Eric a chance to 'man-up' somewhat, and maybe even make it harder for Nicole to bring the team down, increasing her personal conflict. Just a thought.

Nicole falling into the water. -- occurs at half-way mark, so a nice place for the film to turn on, but maybe you could show that it was Nicole during the bit at the beginning - underwater shot of her sinking down? That may help to emphasise the significance of it -- as is, it's just 'someone' falling into the water -- giving it that significance means it is given extra weight during the reveal at the mid-way point.

Oh, and Coop missed a couple, one being:

65. She stops to look at the water lapse upon the sand. (Lapse should be laps).

Good luck with it.

Simon

Quoted from Forgive Oh, and Coop missed a couple

Well, I'm sorry...nobodies perfect.

I'll try harder next time.

Coop, lol - I never thought they were dancing on the ceiling like Lionel Richie.

Some of the points you bring up, as you said, are personal pref, but you definitely bring up some food for thought.

Thank you for the grammar corrections and 'Blues Skies' - I've read this SO many times and every time managed to skip over this. Plus, I know its from it's and your from you're - just plain laziness on my part when going through it.

Mick - you asked that the last time and yes, in both - we met him, lol.

I've just started the re-write and I think I'm finally starting to see clearly when it comes to overwriting description - or at least i hope So, thanks for pointing it out - both you and Simon.

I'll try to work hard on some of the plot holes to get them fixed up.

With the BBQ scene - leaving  Nicole to walk inot the house alone - my husband would so do this, lol. But, looking over it, I'm actually thinking of cutting this scene and having Eric reveal  his probs with Juzzy to her.

I'm also going to change the opening a tad, incorporating Simon's input, and also, as much as I personally liked the ice-cream scene, I'm gonna cut it and add a scuffle between Eric and Juzzy on the beach so you get a hint of what they're like and then have Eric see Nicole at the club and talk to her there. Thoughts?

Also just wondering, if you don't mind me asking - I'm stuck with the start - I want to open with the boat scene, but I don't want to actually introduce Nicole here because when we open at the beach, I want that character to come across. Do I cap Nicole as the WOMAN but intro her again at the beach?

Thanks.

Renee

Quoted from RJ I want to open with the boat scene, but I don't want to actually introduce Nicole here because when we open at the beach, I want that character to come across. Do I cap Nicole as the WOMAN but intro her again at the beach?

Hi Renee - I'm not 100% sure what you're saying here: You start with a beach scene, and the boat in the distance ... so do you intend to start actually on the boat? There's nothing wrong with saying at some point "A woman (this is Nicole)" etc, if it's key to the scene.

Hey Renee,

I missed your response here, sorry.

Quoted from RJ Coop, lol - I never thought they were dancing on the ceiling like Lionel Richie.

That’s a shame – I was kinda hoping they were.

Quoted from RJ Mick - you asked that the last time and yes, in both - we met him, lol.

Did I? Well that should say something about Mick, he’s forgettable and either needs a stronger intro or cut out altogether.

Quoted from RJ I've just started the re-write and I think I'm finally starting to see clearly when it comes to overwriting description - or at least i hope So, thanks for pointing it out - both you and Simon.

Glad to hear that because it was a problem, especially the first 50 pages or so… I think the second half was a lot better and read quicker for it.

Quoted from RJ I'm also going to change the opening a tad, incorporating Simon's input, and also, as much as I personally liked the ice-cream scene, I'm gonna cut it and add a scuffle between Eric and Juzzy on the beach so you get a hint of what they're like and then have Eric see Nicole at the club and talk to her there. Thoughts?

I think you're making the right choice cutting the ice-cream scene - as for Eric and Juzzy fighting at the beach, not sure? I personally felt that Eric and Juzzy should have some kind altercation at the BBQ which then could help in developing some of that exposition about their heated relationship. The opening should be about Nicole and Eric and their relationship but that is just my opinion.

Quoted from RJ Also just wondering, if you don't mind me asking - I'm stuck with the start - I want to open with the boat scene, but I don't want to actually introduce Nicole here because when we open at the beach, I want that character to come across. Do I cap Nicole as the WOMAN but intro her again at the beach?

Yeah, it’s perfectly fine to cap her as WOMAN especially if don’t actually see her face, this was seen from a distant if I remember correctly? You just then introduce Nicole like normal. When the scene comes in later I think the reader should be able to work it out.

Anyway, wish you all the best with it and enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Steve

Hey Renee

Sorry it’s taken me an age to get to this.  I won’t bore you with my excuses lol.

I’ve not read any other reviews so forgive any questions I ask that you’ve already answered.  Also everything I mention is solely my opinion and in no way the correct way to do things.  If you disagree then that’s fine, stick to your guns lol.

I’ll start with something that unintentionally made me laugh; Teenagers sunbathe.  Adults sit and watch.  Maybe it’s me but I imagined the adults watching the teenagers sunbathing.  Sounds a bit weird lol.  Sorry, I’ll try and be more mature from now on...

Your intro’s offer some personal traits which some frown upon and others say is fine, me...I’m kind of on the fence.  I think some are okay but things like ‘yet underneath he is genuinely kind and honest.’  Personally I think this is something the reader/viewer should find out throughout the film.

On page 3 you have a slug which is reads NICOLE.  I imagine you mean the action is now on Nicole and not the football guys but I don’t like it.  Again, it’s just my preference and I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but I’d use a location.  She is away from the beach on a footpath so you could use a full slug too.

Eric’s seems a bit tight fisted, didn’t even offer to buy Nicole another ice cream lol.

Nicole enters, all dolled up.  I love this line.

Nicole seems quite keen to tell Eric about her parents.  They’ve barely been together a minute and she’s spouting her tragic past to him.  Hmm, not sure about this.  If this plays a part in Nicole’s character maybe it would be better to find this out in more natural way rather than her just blurting it out.

I gather a ‘Queen size’ bed is smaller than a ‘King size’.  Funny, I’ve never heard of it before.  Learnt something there.

I’ve noticed a few instances where you over write things a bit.  I’m a culprit of it too and it’s probably why it takes me an age to write a single page as I read over ever scene to try and make sure I can’t improve a sentence to shorten it.  Also you mash up a few action lines that could work better split.  Here’s an example:

EXT. ERIC’S HOUSE - NIGHT

A taxi stops out the front of a large sandstone house with big double glass doors at the entrance and a gravel driveway.

Nicole gets out of the taxi.  She looks up and down the desolate street.

Becomes:

EXT. ERIC’S HOUSE - NIGHT

A gravel driveway leads to the double glass doors that front the large sandstone structure.

A taxi pulls up and Nicole exits.  She glances up and down the desolate street.

You may not think this that useful but it keeps the description of the house and the action of Nicole’s arrival separate.

Also you can trim things like, Eric exits the bedroom.  We know he’s in the bedroom so you can just say, he exits.

Eric is a heavy sleeper right?  Maybe an earlier scene showing Nicole trying to wake him would help show this more visually.  They spent a week together so would she not have inkling about this?

I don’t drink coffee but Eric makes it very quickly with the cappuccino maker?

Here’s another action scene that I think you could improve.  When you read it, it doesn’t flow too well.

Pete biffs the football at Mick and Mick drops his beer.  Mick stands and biffs the football back at Pete.  It hits his shoulder and bounces along the ground toward Dave.

I’m guessing ‘biffs’ means to throw or kick?  Anyway, try something like,

Pete biffs the football at Mick, who drops his beer.  He stands, throws it back and hits Pete in the shoulder.

Juzzy and Eric’s conflict came as a surprise as they seemed fine when they were introduced.  I don’t remember there been any suggestion of conflict?  

I was a bit confused, Renne.  By ‘football’ I thought you meant ‘American football’ or ‘soccer’?  I assumed American football but later she watched Eric’s team ‘score a goal’?  Now I actually think it’s Aussie football and I have no idea about that sport lol.

Okay I’m up to page 20.  You’ve introduced quite a few characters but I had no problem following it which is good.  Eric and Nicole seem like good, interesting characters too.  So far I’m impressed with the flow, despite my many niggles above lol.  I’m not this picky with my own work ha!  You’ve also let slip of a few potential conflicts between Eric and Juzzy and also I’m wondering what the opening scene was about?  Who was the woman who fell off the boat, Nicole maybe?  I hope this becomes clear.

When staying in the same location you can simply put LATER without the rest of the slug.

A wave of sickness becomes Nicole?  I know what you mean by this but it reads funny to me.

I’ve pretty good idea where this is going...Nicole gets a lift from Juzzy.  I have to admit that Nicole sees Juzzy eyeing her up and making crude remarks then accepts a lift home from him...hmm who’s to blame.  Eric for not seeing this coming and being too trusting of his so called friend, Juzzy for hitting on his so called friends girl or Nicole for being a bit naive?

Would Nicole really want to tell Eric over the phone?

There seems to be a ‘the town sticks together’ thing going on, even Lucy warns Nicole that she won’t win any battle.  I also wonder if the gossip knows something as she reads a lot in to Nicole’s question about the football team?

Almost at the hour point and things have moved along nicely.  I will say that Eric doesn’t play too bigger role in this so far.  I thought he would become more involved in the story but he just seems to become concern about Nicole, which he puts down to the wedding.  I still haven’t seen too much conflict between Eric and Juzzy either.  Yes Juzzy has done the deed with Nicole but Eric isn’t aware of it and he’s made no attempt to drop hints of his actions which is something I thought he would do if he is trying to winded Eric up.  Surely if tension lies between the two, Nicole ‘tripping’ over the side of the boat while alone with Juzzy gives Eric the perfect opportunity to, as I would say, ‘lamp him one in the mush.’

How did Nicole get from the Jetty to Eric’s house?  Also if she’s presumed dead, how does she pay for her room and laptop?  Does she have cash as credit cards would be stopped wouldn’t they?  Perhaps when she should be shown snaffling a bundle of money when she went back the house?  Oh okay you may have answered that question now with the cash jobs.

I’m not sure I buy Nicole’s actions?  If she truly loves Eric, could she fake her own death and leave him forever?  Seems kind of cruel and selfish.

There’s a of V.O’s, especially when Nicole has left town.  With her being a journalist and writing on her laptop, I wonder if some the V.O’s could be shown on her laptop as text?  She seems to be writing on her laptop often so it could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

You might able to change some of the short scenes showing Eric and Nicole in depression to a montage?  Also 2 years seems to be a long time to let things linger?

‘I’ve got a fantastic photographic memory’ this comes across as a piss take but obviously in the circumstances it’s not supposed to.  Also this scene takes place at Ben’s but I think it’s supposed to be at Eric’s?

Eric tells Nicole he’s just started to move on when she showed up but he kept her clothes and only just gone through her laptop files?  Is this for Nicole’s benefit?

Juzzy points his gun at Nicole’s face yet she manages to knee him in the plums?  Should there be some sort of distraction?

Seems the whole team follow Juzzy without question despite Eric being popular with the group.

When Nicole is in hospital, the Nurse gives her two tablets for pain relief.  I’m not saying this is right or wrong but only from my own experience I was given pain relief through a drip which Nicole already has attached.  Like I say, you might have it right but I thought I’d mention it.

I was a bit confused as to why Eric gave up football; couldn’t he join a different team now they’ve moved?  Actually I had a problem of sorts with the whole football team rules the town thing.  I guess I imagined the town being quite small but the players have large houses and plenty of money.  Perhaps the town is a lot bigger than I had in my head?

I think you might want to show more conflict between the football team players, like Juzzy and Eric.  Also the drug thing is kind of thrown at us half way through the story without any early clues.

The writing was really good but often over written which slowed the reading down.  I only noticed the odd mistake but I didn’t make note of them, sorry.

Drama isn’t really my thing but I had no trouble making it through this piece which is obviously a good thing.  I actually enjoyed this and hope you don’t think I’ve been too negative with my review?  You have a decent story of love and conflict, well done, Renee.

Simon, Steve and Alffy, as always - thank you for your input.

Sorry for the late replies. Life has been pretty hectic lately and it just got more hectic in the last week.

Simon > What I meant was more what Steve has mentioned after your comment. I wanted to introduce her at the beach with the football players because I wanted those characteristics to playout throughout Act 1.

Steve > what can I say - you always make laugh When I wrote my earlier response I'd already started the re-write and still reading through it IMO the fight at the beach seems to be a good start. Straight after it I now have Nicole handing Eric an icypole for a cut on his lip. If you'd like to see the new first 10 pages, I can send them over for you, see if it fits better?

Alffy > Thanks for reading. As for excuses, I have plenty of my own. I haven't gotten around to doing anything on here for anyone else lately - note to self - must do! Thank you for your notes.

'Teenagers sunbathe.  Adults sit and watch.' lol, I hadn't pictured it that way.

Nicole as the mini slug was changed from a FOOTPATH full slug in the first place cause I felt that it was kind of still the same location and someone (i think it was Steve) said that 'footpath' didn't sound right.

'Eric’s seems a bit tight fisted, didn’t even offer to buy Nicole another ice cream lol.'
Lol - very much the tight ass there. Poor scene is getting the cut though.

'Nicole seems quite keen to tell Eric about her parents.' Yeah, Im changing that all up so that she says it in her V.O at the start, but little suggestions are made so you get the drift that Eric knows, without the need for a scene with her telling him.

I see what you mean when Nicole arrives at Eric's house. I like the way you've written it. Plus the part about Eric being a heavy sleeper - didn't even occur to me.

Ahh - the conflict - majorly working on that.

Football - was aiming at the American audience, so I may have to look up some US terms if it's not working.

Poor Lucy - hasn't made the new cut at the moment. I think the bakery job might be a gonner

'Eric tells Nicole he’s just started to move on when she showed up but he kept her clothes and only just gone through her laptop files?  Is this for Nicole’s benefit?' I thought that worked, but maybe not, I'll re-look at it.

As for Eric being the popular one - in the re-write he is going to be the recently joined the pro-team guy (moved away from town then came back years later) hoping this works better.

Yes - Nicole is being selfish. She runs away. As she has done with the dealing with the death of her parents. Her triumph is to realize that she can't keep doing that and come back to face everything.

After reading it again - I agree. The V.O's in the middle need to be cut. I might keep a couple, but only if i feel they fit.

Montage with Eric and Nicole - I might do that.

Yeah the scene with Ben is meant to be at Eric's. Was a mistake. I was revising instead of doing a re-write. This time it's a complete re-write.

might cut the pain relief question - you're right.

Personally I liked the ending - had Eric leave football teams altogether and had him coach little league because there he can make an impact, plus if he was supposed to be able to trust these guys, how can he trust anyone else?

Thank you guys so much. Always appreciated and really helping me out.

Plus - once again - big thanks to Bert. Helped alot with the new act 1 - more playful action happening between Juzzy and Nicole. Was so much easier writing with that in mind.

Renee.

This is the latest re-write I tried to cut to 90 pages. Would appreciate if anyone can spare a fresh set of eyes on it, though I understand if you can't. (I can't promise a return read as of yet - but will after the next few months)

Plus: logline help - does the logline suit the story? I've never asked, but would love to know if I'm hitting or missing the mark on that and how it could be fixed, if so.

Renee.

I read the first 10 pages and it's amazing!  Not much happening but enough to keep me interested.

The characterization is weak though.  

I'm not getting strong personalities coming out except with Eric.
He made me laugh when he hit on Nicole, he seems to be a slight player but a charming one.  The fact
that he went to so much lengths to find Nicole also shows us he is very determined.  I like him, he
seems real.

Juzzy is too stereotypically evil and Nicole is kind of boring as the main character (the typical stereotypical
blonde).  There is no quirkiness or spark about her.  Not the type of people you'd like to spend 100 pages
with.  

I think you need to spend more time working on Juzzy and Nicole.  There is so much potential because I
like the concept.

Also there was a MAJOR INFO DUMP around page 10 when Eric started telling Nicole why he and Juzzy
couldn't get along!  It totally turned me off and seemed so unnatural.

It could have come out much more effectively if that revelation came out by accident, say Juzzy and Eric
gets into a fight again and Juzzy blurts that out in the presence of Nicole.

In other words you could have used it to add tension to the story.  

We don't need to know straight up the real source of tension between Juzzy and Eric so early.  The way
you blatantly shoved it in our faces was kind of a turn off.

Nothing wrong with making the reader stay in suspense as to why Juzzy and Eric have so much bad blood
between them because that is pretty evident and that is how you convince your reader to continue to
read your story.

But when you give away that crucial part in such a lame way it takes away from the story.  

If you had withheld that information a bit longer maybe I would have been persuaded to read past page 10.

Your story has so much promise though!  It seems like it could be a hit on the big screen if you make some
improvements!

Add some quirkiiness and life to Nicole (after all she is the main character), give some redeeming qualities to
Juzzy and be sparing with the backstory.

I think this story could go in so many directions because the beginning is so strong!

Chris,

Thanks for checking this out and for your kind words.

I agree - the way the exposition is with Eric defenitely needs fixing.

Just out of interest: did you read past page ten? I assume with your review that you left it at page ten - which is completely fine, I'm just interested.

Thanks again. Any feedback is always good.

Renee

Hi Renee, I'm planning to read some more, it's a great script despite the flaws.  I just decided to stop there for now but I have this script as one of those that I plan to read all of because it's good.

Chris,

Sorry, I missed your reply.

Thanks. I'm excited to know that fresh eyes are taking a look - I've asked the same people previously to read this over and over and I've very much appreciated their help

Hopefully now it lives up to expectations

Let me know if I can return the read. As I've stated previously though, I may not get to it for a little while, but I will eventually - busy time of year and all.

Renee

No problem Renee, I'll let you know what I think when I finish reading it.

I haven't posted anything on here as yet, I get a lot of writers block lol but I hope to have something up here soon.  Reading scripts like yours inspire me.

- Chris.