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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  A. Lincoln Moderators: bert
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  Author    A. Lincoln  (currently 2476 views)
Don
Posted: April 26th, 2012, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A. Lincoln by David Brown - Drama, Docu/Drama - A history professor comes into possession of a lost journal that chronicles a previously unknown  interview with Abraham Lincoln, just days before his death.  82 pages - pdf, format


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M.Alexander
Posted: April 26th, 2012, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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This "premise" has huge commercial potential, IMO.  But after looking at the first page, not to mention the large blocks of dialogue throughout the script itself I can tell you right now it's gonna need a major rewrite.  I might delve into this script later just to see if you actually have a story here.  Looks like you put alot of work into it.
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EasyMac742
Posted: June 5th, 2012, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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These notes *will* help you develop your script into something better.  Hear them out.  I'm not doing it to be mean; I'm doing it to help you.  You wrote a script, which merits congratulations, but nobody's ever going to read it if you don't fix the way it's set up.  Let's go over it.

First things first.  You must polish the format of this script before you can worry about any of the content.  In brief:
-Most important of all, your descriptions take up enormous blocks of text.  If your script was a person, this is like cutting its wrists.  Description paragraphs are 4 lines *max*.  You need far less than you think.  You've made the common amateur mistake of writing a novel, which this is not.  It's a screenplay.  Learn the difference in form.
-Never use "we" in a script.  We see, we hear, we move, we follow.  Get it the hell out of your script.
-Never use "cut to."  That's a film editor's notation for a shooting script.
-Any time you introduce a new character, the first appearance of their name in the description is capitalized.

I would shorten the character names that you use whenever a character speaks.  It's cleaner.
-Davidson instead of Professor Davidson
-William instead of William Davidson
-Robert instead of Robert Lincoln

Fix these things up, streamline the script (white space is good!) and you'll make it MUCH more readable.  Perhaps this might be better suited for a stageplay.  Food for thought.

Regards, boss.
-Chris


SEQUOIA(Drama/Suspense, 87 pgs)
THE LIVING(Drama, 40 pgs)

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
EasyMac742  -  June 8th, 2012, 1:32pm
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Yosef91
Posted: June 6th, 2012, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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I am a history buff, and lived in Richmond for a couple of years (it's still an occupied city), so I had an interest in this based on the logline.  However, I only made it it through a couple of pages before I gave up.  


Quoted Text
As we move through the building, passing stately doorway
after doorway, we pass through a set of beautiful raised
panel double doors. This is the lecture hall where Professor
Johnathan Davidson, professor of American history, is
teaching today. Davidson is an intellectual man. He gets it
naturally, his father Johnathan Sr, was a history buff. Not
a teacher or professor just an enthusiast. The true root of
his love for History from his Grandfather, a high school
history teacher. He taught Professor Davidson when he was in
high school. This began what they both loved about History
and what they both disagreed on.


This one graph breaks several rules, and I am using it as an example.  First, it's way too long - no more than 4 lines.  Second, you used "we", which you should stay away from.  Third, you are giving us background about characters that the viewer could never see.  All the info about the grandfather, loving history, etc. is a screenwriting no-no.  Reveal that through action and dialogue.

Get a book called "Screenwriter's Bible" by Dave Trottier.  If you are at a starting point, it's perfect.

Good luck.
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DavidBrown
Posted: August 31st, 2012, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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Thank you all very much for your responces. Im sorry it has taken me so long to check this...I am an amature and know very little about how to write. I posted on here to get feedback and I got exactly what I wanted. All your comments are great to hear and I need to hear them from people who have done it for a while. I will be, and have been working on it and re-working it. EasyMac said it was more live a novel...funny you should say that. I have actually wrote a novella version of this story. Its being proof read now and Ill be doing my first re-write soon. Im not giving up on the screenplay though. I was thinking that if a book version was out there to, it would get more exposure.
Thank you all again for the comments and suggestions

David
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