This was very cool.  The interweaving of the stories worked for me, but some of the dialog needs clipped.  A little too long, and I know, because I have the same problem myself with my writing.    

This felt a lot like a GUy Ritchie piece.  He's always having something happen, then stepping back to see the interplaying scene.  I like that, and you did it great.

Sharpen up the dialog, and this will be a-one!

I would like to thank everyone that gave this a read; Reef Dreamer, Kingcooky555, DarrenTomalin, Nawazm11 and Steven8 and gave me all the helpful notes. I'm sorry it took so long to get around to the reviews, but I picked up a new script and have been kind of invested in that, recently.

But, I had to get around to these and tried to be in-depth with my replies. So, thank you to everyone. =)

Quoted from Reef Dreamer It has a real "memento" feel, so far. the story is a simple one, with an interwoven  plot,  jumbled about. I like the use of the main location from different angles and times. So far i like it.

Thank you, Bill. I'm glad you liked the structure and seemed to like the script overall.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer P1 - continous - used in first three slugs yet i’m not sure its needed Super - hope this makes snese in due course James Anderson - what is it about the name Anderson in films? AMBROZIK - awkward name, wonder whether the spelling has meaning? P3 - first exchange is slighly confusing two questions without answer “Was i unclear” - well i dont understand so dont know about him, is he wanted or not? After - i assume he isnt needed? P4 would it be clearer if you say he’s pulled up outside daves Note - by page 5 we have had a lot of character introduced P7 two specifci cars mentioned in first 7, meaningful? P9 Maybe - “I Know”,  instead of I’m aware P9 powerful statement from mother - does it need more suggestion as to ther ebing a reason? P10 a very meaningful moment - good stuuf, just wonder whether it conflcist with teh way he made the decision, which appeared random/ Ok we have a disgruntle cop, a dark family past,  yet he set up as caring from the handling of the folk outside the bar. P10 dont think you need the apologize. leav eit open at angry that it didnt go well? Flashaback - straight after - not sure Catalyst i assume P13/14 shot

I'm going to reply to your review one story at a time.

Continuous and I are old friends. Basically, I have a hard time grasping the concept of writing this that aren't in real time, so it's become a staple for me that I'd like to try and shake.
The Supers are the names of the individual stories. At one point, I wanted to tell the story with music, but got some info to avoid that so I decided on simple Supers.
Anderson and Ambrozik were names my brother created. He also created the name for Randall and his family. The rest were mine.
I have a belief that not every question a person ever asks is answered. Besides, if it were, it would likely just be a throwaway line anyway.
I'll try and clarify Ambrozik's look a little better.
That was the point of their conversation but I'll clear that up as well.
It very well good be clearer that way. I'll look into that.
Oh, there's a lot more (as you know), I assure you. You'll come to know them better, though.
The make and model itself isn't meaningful but I assure you the cars are. I believe that the car a person drives can tell you something about who you are. Being that most of these characters are down on their luck, their old worn-out cars reflect that.
I kind of chose "I'm aware" specifically. He's upset and really doesn't want to discuss it. "I know" is more like him giving in.
I had the reason for a while, but cut it to save about two pages. There was this long diatribe about his dead dad who had pancreatic cancer and it was just exposition that did nothing anywhere.
He's trying to reach out, but she's done with him and he sees it.
I tried to make that a little clearer with the line about him not liking his job but also mentioning a possible promotion. He hates his job, but he knows he's making it and for that, he likes it.
I wanted him to want to make things work. Not only do I believe that that's more true to life, but it makes his character (I think) a little better that he's going to try and persevere.
I agree about the flashbacks. I need a better way.
Basically, the catalyst is him deciding what's more important to him: being with his mother or do his job. He picks his job.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Super - another one ? P16-18 alot of david - to be honest this change of focus confuses me a little P23 how does vincent know he has blood on his jacket? assume he is watching? P25 WOAH - what have we here, time travel, etc Didnt he shoot chris? Is this the break into 2? a change of reality? And who the f**k is vincent . A voice inside the head? Oh did i miss something that we have flashed backwards a la memento? P29 whoever vincent is, if he exisis, theres alot of conversation with him p30 vincent sees something that david doesnt? i wonder how this can be?\ P34 ok phone is off and vincent still calls!! P35/36 - the impression i have is that david is an insane killer with schizphrenic tendaices - i’m just not persuded with the look or shame and sorrow etc, confused maybe. P36 he killed his girlfreind brutally and in public, he was cool beforehand in the bar, very calculated, these actions dont come across as a remorseful person P36 your just a voice in my head - too easy for my liking, too much reversed, too quickly P37 so he drops the bluetooth out - maybe i’m wrong on the head problems, but ti doesnt come across that way, and if i’m right, you dont get rid of them, you know they are part of you P37 another tiem movement i assume with fade out fade in P42 - i like this, very memento, twisty, yet simple.

New story.
I was kind of hoping my logline would make it clear that, well, instead of a straight narrative, we have five. Of course, I wasn't partial to that logline anyway.
Oh, Vincent has his ways.
Let me answer your questions one at a time. Yes. I don't believe so. No. Yes.
Yes, we flashed backwards. This takes place before the story you just read.
Vincent's quite a chatterbox. And, David likes to talk to him.
Yeah, Vincent seems to know what's going on.
*cue dramatic music moment*
This is a toughie to explain. He's not insane or schizophrenic. Instead, he's got Vincent who basically amounts to David's conscience. He's the devil on David's shoulder. He suggested that David should kill Sasha but he really didn't want to, even though he felt Vincent was right (hence the sadness).
He had the last chance to go back and not doing anything but that brief call by Vincent before they left the diner was all the reminder David needed.
I agree, completely. Horrible execution on that line. I'm seriously considering just leaving it vague and up to interpretation.
That's David voluntarily giving up listening to Vincent anymore. While Vincent was not on the phone, David's done with him and refuses to let him in.
Yes, it is. We've shifted stories again.
If only my script had about 1/100th the quality of Memento, we'd actually be getting somewhere.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer I thought this was a decent inter woven script but if it lacked anything it was a spine. The cord that connects the parts with a deeper meaning. I appreciate there is a theme of desperation, almost what you would do for the love of others etc, people in desperate situations. If you recall Memento, we follow the pro tag and hope him to achieve. I feel that one story should be drip feed throughout to bind the parts and we see how they all affect it. maybe the bitter sweet death of randall with a later realisation that he in some way did save his child - would need a readjustment i think you achieve a lot. well done.

Thank you, Bill. Once again, I appreciate the kind words. Well, after a lot of careful consideration, I was able to determine that the only deeper meaning to be found in here is love, as you said. "Christmas Story" is a love story. Chris loves his job (despite thinking it sucks) and it gets him killed. David loves Sasha and it gets him killed. Sasha loves money and it gets her killed. Randall loves his family and it gets him killed. Jason loves Sasha and it gets him arrested for three murders. He probably wouldn't get the death penality, but he'll die in prison.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer P42 not wholly sure why sasha is asking him whether he’s cool about killing P42 Matthews history lesson - seems a bit odd P46 maybe its me, or thte fact i am reading this the next day, but i’m trying to remeber who jason was, arh now i remeber the sant claus from outside P48 jason killing a clerk for money?? P49 sasha responding about jason - seesm unlikely she would make an opinion to Matthew

I'm going to go deeper into this on a re-write but basically, Sasha has seen too many movies. She believes that she hires this hitman and he's going to be overly cool like they're portrayed so she wants to act like a badass but when she meets a real one, I basically want him to just completely cut her down.
It was something I really wanted for his character. I mean I can convey it better, although it could always be cut and replaced by something else.
Yes, that's Jason. The Santa from outside.
Yep. However, I'm thinking of cutting most of that sequence because the final story loses a lot of effect when I get that out of the way there.
It basically just goes with her character. She expected one thing and got something completely different and is trying to adjust.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer And i’m trying to remember who randall was/is, scrolling back he is the thief caught at the beginning. Could he he more memorable? P57 was scene with randall and barrett overly long? P57 - quite like the two cars alongside each other Dave’s and David - the names wre getting mixed up with me, maybe change one P61 at this stage i have a real feel for the film Crash, almost more than memento P67 why wouldnt he say no it wasnt him - he didnt touch the gun, right? P70 at this point, ilike the story, i like the dynamics but i wonder who i’m following rooting for. I just wondered whether this affect the viewer P75 love the lottery ticket P75 still not sure he would tell a bounty hnter waht hes done P79 detail is a bit on the nose about the orphanage

No, I don't intend to make Randall any more memorable. If possible, I want him to be less memorable in the opening scene.
I'm sure it could be trimmed in some ways. What part of the script couldn't?
Yeah. Just something small, although there was a plan for a more extended encounter that I wanted it there, but couldn't make it right yet.
Yes, David's name is going to change.
It's any one of those intertwining stories movies.
You're right. He didn't touch the gun. In the original draft, he did but that would just make his character too stupid.
You're rooting for whoever you want to win. Although, as you know, nobody really wins.
Yeah, that was one of the last major tie-ins I had come up with.
That entire story is being blown up and started from scratch.
Agreed.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Also one point - the scenes are well played out but clealry seperated so we are forced to remember what went on - makes it a bit harder to connect P81 how would you know it is a 1990 Chrysler ? are we just saying dated? P85 really nice touch the man who shot a woman who framed the father gives the moneya cross BUT the way is too on the nose. Why not “a present from sanata”, thats realsies later. with the chessy was that sanat moment P86 v nice touch - jason road to damacus moment BUT why is he sanat ? is he just waiting? but why have a can?

I'd like to believe it will be a lot easier to figure out on screen.
More important than the make and model of the car is whom it belongs to. The point is, to know who's driving what because everyone in the story drives a really old, beater car.
Another scene that needs to be re-written. Then again, the important detail of the story is that they won't be able to cash that lottery ticket. It'll register as stolen and they'll never be able to cash it. So, no happy endings anywhere (although Matthew's is kind of happy).
Deleted scene from the beginning of his story where he recieves a text message from Sasha.

Quoted from kingcooky555 I had lots of notes in the beginning about so many character introductions, and the main character killed by page 15. But after reading it straight through, I now know what that paper Chris picks up in the first ten pages. I thought it was just some random action. For example, on page 25: Chris: You ok? David: Yeah. Chris: Take it easy next time, all right? DAvid: Will do. In this exchange you can cut out "You,ok?" and "Yeah". The second exchange kind of mirrors the first exchange. So cut one and keep the other. No need to repeat the same thing. It's even more apparent in this script because you repeat certain scenes later down the line, and this superflous chit chat slows down your narrative and dialogue flow. Also, there's a bunch of unnecessary action. For example, on page 81: Abby and Kasey get out of the car. Kasey walks to the diner. Abby walks towards Jason. Kasey turns back, stands by Abby. Four lines could be condensed to "Abby and Kasey exit the car. They walk towards Jason." I don't see any reason why you'd split a simple action into four action lines. It's stuff like this you have to watch out for in this kind of narrative you're trying to write.

Well, Reginald, I'm proud that by the end of the story, I made it clear what the paper Chris stepped on was. Kidding. I wanted to try and balance that line of spelling everything out versus letting the audience solve a couple of things. I fell in between the negatives of both, I think.
I must say, that out of all the lines and actions you could've chosen in this script, you picked two that were actually quite important.
In the first one, their motivations are different. Chris, due to being a cop, is likely to ask someone if they're all right following an accident. David, on the other hand, runs into the last person he wants to see and gives short, curt answers to get away from him as fast as possible without drawing too much extra attention to himself.
In the second one, Kasey and Abby have different goals. Kasey's is to go inside and get ready for their dinner. Abby's is to go see Santa. They get out. Kasey goes to her destination but Abby decides she wants something else and Kasey, being a good mother, goes where her daughter does. The way you would have me write it is to imply their plan was to go see Santa in the first place.

Quoted from kingcooky555 pg 14 - Change the diner name or David's name. Too closely related to each other. Also, the diner is quite an important place in the script. Try to find a more memorable name for it. How about "Happy Days"? It's a 50's theme and kind of ironic with what goes on in and around that diner. pg 42 Matthew's monologue: You have an extra space between "put... out" pg 70 keans should be leans? I'm a Tarantino fan so I like what you're doing here. Also, this story looks low budget so you might get some indie prods. interested in this, as there's always somebody looking for the next Pulp Fiction. Good luck.

David's name is being changed. It's one of my stable of names that, for all intents and purposes, is a placeholder. The diner name, however, will stay as Dave's unless having the name changed becomes a dealbreaker. I mean, the important thing to remember is that nothing happens in the diner itself. It's a very plain, ordinary place.
Nice catch on the double space. That would be the stupid spacebar on my laptop sticking like it sometimes does.
I don't know why spellcheck didn't catch that. Unless keans is a word, but none that I've heard before.
I am glad that you liked it and yes, it could be filmed on an extremely low budget. $500,000 easy if you wanted all nobodies. $2-3 million if you want a couple familiar names.

Quoted from darrentomalin I had to force myself to read a christmas script as I am not a big fan of seasonal stories (No i'm not a grinch) but the logline certainly isn't Ho Ho Ho!   I love out of synch scripts as the payoff at the end as the stories interconnect and twist together throughout is a great reward for those who can get their head around non linear.  The only problem that comes with non-linear is sometimes you have to go back and re-read a section to fully understand it and this takes you out of the story. However,  you pulled it off really well! It's funny, people say that we should swrite realistic dialogue, but in my experience people DO say "Hi, How are you" "You ok?" "yeah" "Thanks" but when we put them in, people say that it's unnecessary chit-chat lol! I can see why you put them in and what you are doing here, these people are all dealing with serious issues, when their minds are so filled with plots, murder, hit men, poverty and family problems, that they haven't got the processing power to come up with witty one liners and engaging dialogue. I felt something for all of the characters and understood their direction as the stories unfolded.  It was like Magnolia if firected by QT for me though of course, no one can replciate his dialogue though we keep trying lol! There are some lines that can be cut but overall I never felt bogged down and always had asense that a line was in there for a reason.  The story(s) flowed for me and they wove together very nicely. An ambitious script but I think you pulled it off! I knew straight away when the first SUPER came up that we were going to be looking at a few different shorts taht made one whole so didn't even make any structure notes.  I knew they'd come together later on.  It is quite depressing though but any emotional response is a good one.

I know exactly what you mean about these holiday-themed scripts. Typically, they're a chore, although I imagine mine is a chore to read, too. I like out of synch stories, too, but like you said, that have to pay off. I mean, there has to be a reason to them to be made that way.
Well, I will agree with the people who say some of the lines can be cut. I mean, there's realistic dialogue and there's boring dialogue. I try to avoid the boring but the trade-off is that it sounds movie-ish on a consistent basis.
Well, I'm glad that you were able to feel something for each of them, although I think I need to solidify their reactions a lot more, to get a better reaction from the readers. Well, if I had even a fraction of their skill, I think I'd be doing a much better script than this. But, we all start somewhere, I suppose.
Yeah, I tried to give most of the lines and actions a purpose (as they should be) but that's an art that very few people (least of all myself) have been able to get down to a mastery.
Originally, I wasn't going to have the supers. I was going to rely on music and the snowfall to tell the story but I got some info that doing the music wasn't a particularly good plan, despite it being a spec, so I removed that and replaced it with supers. I am glad it got some kind of emotional response, though.

Quoted from nawazm11 Okay, to tell you the truth, somewhere near the end, I got lost on which character was which. I'm pretty sure it's only me, though? But this isn't a problem, as there would be  no confusion on screen. It's not that I had no clue what was going on, it's just it was a lot of characters to digest. I understood 90% of the story (I think ). I am a major fan of these types of movies, I just love it how everything comes together. Not Pulp Fiction style like everybody is mentioning, but Alejandro González Iñárritu style. His first three movies Amores Perros, 21 Grams and Babel, were really well made. Kudos go to Guillermo Arriaga who wrote all three of them, and on youtube, you can see his interviews where he talks about how he structured the story if you're interested. Anyway, I think you've done a great job bringing everything together. The characters were obviously well thought out and cutting them would make major plot holes in the story. A great thing about this story was that everything was wrapped up, and no characters were left without a story. When Randall commits suicide, that really got me, so great job on that. I think you've nailed the low budget here, as this could be easily filmed on no more than 2 million. Not including the cars and the end, you only have, I think 2 locations? Many producers will be interested in this. But because of this, the story was a little bland for me, it just needed some spice. Sure, people were shot, but it just wasn't enough for me. That's not bad in anyway, even good because it makes the story low budget. People seemed to think that there was too much dialogue. I agree, but I don't think it was bad. With this type of story, I think it really needs it, as it follows the life of people. Don't cut IMO. I heard you wrote this several times but your computer kept having a bitch each time?

To be honest, I'm surprised it took that long for confusion to set in. Well, 90% is a friendly-enough number.
I will clarify this. The movie whose style "Christmas Story" follows closest is "11:14" (2003).
Yeah, it took a lot of planning to find a way to mostly avoid plot holes, although there were a couple I wasn't able to clear up before putting this last in. Seems like everyone liked Randall and his death. After all, when the story was over, he was probably the second nicest guy in the script (behind Matthew) so that's probably why.
The story is incredibly bland. I worked so hard to make sure the timing worked out that I forgot to actually put in an interesting story. Whoops. However, I had been thinking while I was writing this that it offers a good directing opportunity with lots of interesting visuals so there's always that.
Yeah, there was a little too much talking, especially in "Nothing Important Happened Today" and "Down Payment", the B-story, naturally. There was just no way around it.
Yeah. My fucking laptop kept erasing and corrupting my file. Eventually, I saved it in so many ways that it became virtually impossible to lose again. I just wish I'd thought of that years ago.

Quoted from nawazm11 Page 1: Chris Dejesus? Strange last name. Page 3: “Was I unclear? look” Not sure if it exists, at least I can't do it. Page 6: "DAVE’S" is the name of the diner? Or is that just what the characters call the place? "The diner is empty except for an aged woman in a green and red apron, MAGGIE DEJESUS (62), behind the counter and a MOTHER and DAUGHTER sitting in a booth by the window." Had to read that a few times. "Maggie is writing in a little flipbook." Could easily eliminate the "ing" and "is" in that sentence. Page 8: "Bald" Hmm... Guess it should be relevant later on. Page 10: Guessing Dave was the name of his dead father? Page 11: "He slams on the brakes, watches as the car slows. He looks back at the diner." Watches his own car slow? Or watches the Diner? Page 13: "(Didn’t expect that)" Cut it IMO. Page 21: How big is the present, again? Page 22: He was awfully calm about killing someone... Page 57: A missing comma in the first sentence of the Alliance slug. Page 59: Knick knacks doesn't seem very specific. Page 65: Man, did I lose track of the characters. I thought Jason was Randall cause of the santa outfit. Page 72: He knew her name? If she had a name tag on, it should be mentioned. Page 77: Joseph?? Who's Joseph??? Page 99: Think you mean Heather?

One of my oldest names. I used it for a different purpose but it grew on me so I kept using it.
All the looks I mentioned are things I've seen and know can be done, but I have no way of properly describing them.
Dave's is the diner. I didn't realize that for the longest time that Dave's and David were so close to each other.
Yeah, my prose is probably the least developed aspect of my writing.
I was going to get rid of "ing", but I wanted her to have been writing before the scene started, so it would be weird if I wrote "writes" there because I thought it would seem like she started when that line began.
Pay-offs... Those damn pay-offs.
Negative. Interesting thought, though, but I'm not going to run with it.
I'll clear that up.
I'll make that line work better in the prose.
About the size of a shoebox.
That Vincent is a hell of a bad influence.
Those damn missing commas.
It doesn't, but we only visit the house for less than three minutes of the story.
Two Santas. One is good Santa and the other is bad Santa.
I had it originally, but thought it seemed like a waste of a line, when it can be filmed easily enough.
Yeah, the Joseph and Michelle mistakes. I thought I fixed them all, but several people have called me out on them.

Quoted from steven8 This was very cool.  The interweaving of the stories worked for me, but some of the dialog needs clipped.  A little too long, and I know, because I have the same problem myself with my writing.     This felt a lot like a GUy Ritchie piece.  He's always having something happen, then stepping back to see the interplaying scene.  I like that, and you did it great. Sharpen up the dialog, and this will be a-one!

I'm glad you liked it, Steven. Yeah, it's very talky and some of it needs to be cut and most of it needs to be improved. No question.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde I will clarify this. The movie whose style "Christmas Story" follows closest is "11:14" (2003).

!!! I'm writing a screenplay with the exact same storyline as that movie... Never even heard about it before... Let's just say I never saw it .

Quoted from nawazm11 !!! I'm writing a screenplay with the exact same storyline as that movie... Never even heard about it before... Let's just say I never saw it .

Hey, it's been nearly a decade. I think "11:14" needs a remake. Or, maybe we could just reboot the franchise. What happens to Duffy and Buzzy? Do they do a Bonnie & Clyde?

Hi Sean,

I'm first 35 pages in.
It's quite interesting - an easy read, and I'm curious about the rest of it.

First ten - too many characters for me. Chris talks to one police officer, then meets a detective, then Jason. Two of these may go, I think. Jason appears one more time and I don't understand who he is and why I should know his name.

What Chris wanted to do (when he asks himself whether he can do it) remains a mystery. It makes me think it was irrelevant to the story. Or was he talking about returning home and facing his mother?
Somehow when he goes I don't feel their struggle and don't understand why he left and what really happened in the first place. I'd expect her to be happy to see him.

You have a slug there INT. DAVE'S - FLASHBACK and I couldn't understand whose flashback it was. IMO you don't even need a flashback there since it just repeats the events that we just saw on screen.

Then you started for David's story. It was quite interesting and a good way to connect the stories. Sacha's death is a culmination of his story. I couldn't believe it somewhat though - he shot her rather carelessly. At the moment we don't know anything about the research he's done on her - so I couldn't buy it. After you told us some - his friend Vincent told him but we don't see or know how he could convince David - it's a big thing and the fact that David relied on his friend's words is not convincing.

But I liked the way it goes overall. Also I liked the dialog, not for once I thought it needs cutting.
Readin on...

I'm on page 54. I really liked the way you connected those stories - it's one story, yet you found a very unique way to tell it. I think it's just brilliant. I'm very much interested to read the rest of it. Partly because you have good storytelling skills and  due to the way you constructed your script.

Sasha and Matthew's talk was interesting. Parts of it are very good and some of it is strange. Why would she ask him if he did that in the past - she knows he's a professional killer. Also, I don't know who she wants to kill. Have I missed something?

Who she's cheating with on David - is it Jason? Jason is in and out throughout - he seems to be an extra character. If he's Sasha's lover and she's truly cheating on David - we must know for sure - that part is a little unclear. Also, they talked for a long time, I think.

On p54 starts Randall's story. The connection here is not as good as the connection between all the previous ones. I wish it was smoother. There should be a connecting character I think - maybe someone you introduced in your first ten?


In response to this:

Quoted Text I'm confused on your use of carelessly. Did you mean he was careless when he killed her or didn't seem to care that he killed her? His research was extremely brief. He found the stuff then had a talk with "Vincent" who threw out a suggestion that he should get rid of her.

I mean you could build up to it a little. He doesn't seem jelous enough - he just killed her without knowing for sure.

I finished reading.
I really liked Randall's story and his family.
The only thing, when the cop came to tell Kasey that the ticket is not valid - I didn't get that. I got it only from your description. I thought the cop told Kasey that Randall was the main suspect in a murder case.
Randall's story just flowed.
The rest of it was good too. I think that Kasey and Abby need to have a good ending. If you show a little girl with cancer, then give us hope, you can't take it away. And you have no reason to do so.
Lena - you bring her up again, I think I remember her name from when you introduced Sasha first. I couldn't understand why to have Lena at all. Now I see. I'm still not sure if you need her back there. Why not bring her up here with Jason.
Also, you have Jason in your first ten - don't know if you need him there.
I think your first ten could be better. The rest of the script is much better than first ten.
So, my main concerns are - your first ten, David - he's a bit shallow, Chris's wants - his relations with his mother are vague.
I really really liked the way you connected all these stories. Inspired. great job!

Quoted from khamanna First ten - too many characters for me. Chris talks to one police officer, then meets a detective, then Jason. Two of these may go, I think. Jason appears one more time and I don't understand who he is and why I should know his name.

I assure you that pretty much the only characters you'll meet in the story, with the exception of two, you meet in the first ten pages. So, it's a lot but I won't be bombarding you with too many more.

Quoted from khamanna What Chris wanted to do (when he asks himself whether he can do it) remains a mystery. It makes me think it was irrelevant to the story. Or was he talking about returning home and facing his mother? Somehow when he goes I don't feel their struggle and don't understand why he left and what really happened in the first place. I'd expect her to be happy to see him.

Not home so much as visiting her at work, but yes, that was the idea. I had about a two page diatribe explaining the reasons but I shortened it to the point where I hinted at it. Good enough actors would be able to portray it better than any amount of exposition could, I believe.

Quoted from khamanna You have a slug there INT. DAVE'S - FLASHBACK and I couldn't understand whose flashback it was. IMO you don't even need a flashback there since it just repeats the events that we just saw on screen.

Agreed. I haven't found a solid way to convey what I want there. But, you're absolutely right about that.

Quoted from khamanna Then you started for David's story. It was quite interesting and a good way to connect the stories. Sacha's death is a culmination of his story. I couldn't believe it somewhat though - he shot her rather carelessly. At the moment we don't know anything about the research he's done on her - so I couldn't buy it. After you told us some - his friend Vincent told him but we don't see or know how he could convince David - it's a big thing and the fact that David relied on his friend's words is not convincing.

I'm confused on your use of carelessly. Did you mean he was careless when he killed her or didn't seem to care that he killed her? His research was extremely brief. He found the stuff then had a talk with "Vincent" who threw out a suggestion that he should get rid of her. Vincent is not a physical presence. For lack of a better description, he's the devil on David's shoulder; his conscience. David didn't actually want to kill her.

Quoted from khamanna But I liked the way it goes overall. Also I liked the dialog, not for once I thought it needs cutting.

I'm glad you liked (are liking?) it so far. I think the dialogue needs a bit of cutting and lots of improving, but if that's the worst part of it (which it seems like it is because some things are still too vague), then hopefully a good re-write should go smoothly.

**SPOILERS** (For anyone who hasn't read this yet)

I do want to say, though, that I wanted to write Christmas-based archetypes (the kinds of people you see in Christmas stories). But, I wanted them all to have one small difference that resulted in them having a bad ending. You have the cop who's trying to reconcile with his estranged (insert family member here). But, he decided his job was more important and he got himself killed. You have the guy who found out (or believes) his significant other is unfaithful. Killing her is directly responsible for his death. You have Sasha, his other half, who is not only cheating, but planning on having him killed for his money. Had she called off the hit and left with Jason, both Sasha, the cop and David would've lived. Then, you have the drunk mall Santa who tries to redeem himself. But, instead, he ends up failing miserably and winds up getting arrested for murder and armed robbery, which leads to his suicide. Then, there's Jason who is an armed robber and murderer but he would've been just as happy being with Sasha because he didn't care about the money. However, at the end when he let himself get arrested, he might be facing the death penalty if they can connect him to the gun because it'll have been shown to kill three people, including a cop who was executed.

Still, my favorite part of the story that I had to tie in was the lottery ticket. You have a guy who robs a store and makes off with one ticket. He finds out later it's a winner and is going to tell his lover but is stopped from doing so. Instead, he gives it away to someone he sees needing it more. The trouble is, that ticket is going to come up as stolen on the night of the robbery and the money won't be paid out. The police will have a nearly impossible task of figuring out who actually robbed the store (because Randall died before admitting to it) and Abby's cancer treatment won't be paid for with the winnings.

I mean, the only person who has a happy ending is "Matthew Winslow". In the end, I didn't want anyone to have a happy ending, but I figured somebody should, but who else was better fit?

**END DIATRIBE**

Done with my notes! I really liked your script

Quoted from khamanna I'm on page 54. I really liked the way you connected those stories - it's one story, yet you found a very unique way to tell it. I think it's just brilliant. I'm very much interested to read the rest of it. Partly because you have good storytelling skills and  due to the way you constructed your script.

I'm glad you enjoyed the way it was set up, Khamanna. Funny thing is, I didn't realize until after the script was finished, but chronologically, for the first four stories, they go in reverse while the fifth story covers the entire timeline.

Quoted from khamanna Sasha and Matthew's talk was interesting. Parts of it are very good and some of it is strange. Why would she ask him if he did that in the past - she knows he's a professional killer. Also, I don't know who she wants to kill. Have I missed something?

I assure you that I need to blow up that entire story and start over. I'm having the toughest time, trying to actually make it interesting. There's lots of really long, dialogue-based movie scenes out there that I love, but they're written so well, I can't really stack up against them. As for her asking, it was me doing exposition and it came out all wrong. What I was trying to get across was that she was going to have David (her fiancee) killed on a cruise, the month after they're married. Like I said, I have to blow it all up and start from scratch. Luckily, hers is the easiest to do that for.

Quoted from khamanna Who she's cheating with on David - is it Jason? Jason is in and out throughout - he seems to be an extra character. If he's Sasha's lover and she's truly cheating on David - we must know for sure - that part is a little unclear. Also, they talked for a long time, I think.

Yeah, it's with Jason. Jason's basically the character who experiences the entire thing. That's kind of why his story is the last one so we get the entire picture, although with the exception of a couple small things and conversations, his story is almost white rice.

Quoted from khamanna On p54 starts Randall's story. The connection here is not as good as the connection between all the previous ones. I wish it was smoother. There should be a connecting character I think - maybe someone you introduced in your first ten?

I really wanted his story to almost stay entirely separate. His character has nothing to do with anything regarding the robbery. He was just another guy who ended up being caught in a bad situation. Although, I am working on another way to connect him in the story, but it would add another small location and I'm not sure I want to do that.

Quoted from khamanna I mean you could build up to it a little. He doesn't seem jelous enough - he just killed her without knowing for sure.

I do need to improve that a bit. Good call.

Quoted from khamanna I really liked Randall's story and his family. The only thing, when the cop came to tell Kasey that the ticket is not valid - I didn't get that. I got it only from your description. I thought the cop told Kasey that Randall was the main suspect in a murder case. I think that Kasey and Abby need to have a good ending. If you show a little girl with cancer, then give us hope, you can't take it away. And you have no reason to do so.

Everyone seems to really like Randall's story the best. Isn't that so ironic? I'm really happy about that, though.
Actually, the cop wasn't telling her that the ticket wasn't valid. He was telling her that Randall committed suicide during the night. I wanted that sequence to be silent so you didn't hear what they say, but then I added in the news report in the morning. I'll try to clarify it better.
I, honestly, don't know how to provide them with a good ending. Kasey's husband and Abby's father is dead. Kasey has no job and a child with cancer. I could never put this aside actually in the script but you could always imagine that after hearing about their story (on the news or something), people might donate money to them to help pay for her treatment? I mean, I wrote myself into a place where there is no chance of a happy ending for them (at least by the time the script is finished).

Quoted from khamanna Lena - you bring her up again, I think I remember her name from when you introduced Sasha first. I couldn't understand why to have Lena at all. Now I see. I'm still not sure if you need her back there. Why not bring her up here with Jason. Also, you have Jason in your first ten - don't know if you need him there. I think your first ten could be better. The rest of the script is much better than first ten. So, my main concerns are - your first ten, David - he's a bit shallow, Chris's wants - his relations with his mother are vague. I really really liked the way you connected all these stories. Inspired. great job!

Lena was a really subtle... I don't want to say love interest, because she wasn't, but more that Jason really admired that she takes the time out to help other people. In his heart, Jason is not a bad person and he liked that about her.
I need him in the sense that he is out front of the diner when the story starts. He's not exceptionally important, but he is a bit. He's curious why David left with Sasha then came back to the diner without her.
I would agree that the first ten pages (or really the entire first story) is the weakest and most unnecessary. The irony is that when the idea originally came up, the first story was actually going to be an OWC entry. Then, I just asked the question, "Who is this guy who killed Chris?" and the ball went rolling.
Yeah, David's story has problems, too. I was actually going to write two versions of this script. The one that has Vincent and the one that doesn't. The one that doesn't just features David being a sad sack, like Randall, for the entire script.
Chris implies his wants, I thought. I believe I could make them clearer, but he wanted to reconcile with his mom.
Yeah, their relationship. I had it detailed in the script why he left and why she doesn't want to see him but it was just exposition that droned on and on. I assure you that the first ten pages were even worse when that was in there versus when it wasn't.
Thank you, Khamanna. I'm glad you liked it overall and thank you very much for reading.

Hey Sean,

So I’m continuing on with the 7WC’s this week and decided on your script next. Upon reading the logline this appears to be a type of “Crash” story, I obviously mean the (2004) Paul Haggis movie and not the David Cronenberg movie from the 90’s.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.1 “SILVIA and THOMAS” I’ll edit this if need be but I wonder if these two cops will appear again? If not then I think “Two COPS” would have sufficed.

“Chris turns the siren off” He forgot the lights, his going to run his battery down.

“Chris walks past several of the police cars” There was only three right? Why not mix it up with some other visual of the liquor store or weather, maybe some Christmas decorations covering the front of the store. It’s just that you’ve already mentioned the police cars before. Just a thought.

“Dispatch said you caught him.” Why was he driving with the lights flashing and siren blaring then?

“You hate people, James?” This came out the blue, it felt out of place to me.

P.2 “INT. MAGNOLIA LIQUOR – CONTINUOUS” I wouldn’t consider this continuous but maybe that’s just me.

P.3 “You sure you don’t want me...?” Think this would read better as just “you sure?” or change “want” for “need”

A whole segment here could be cut when Chris leaves the store.

P.4 I don’t know about all the talking to himself in the police car… didn’t feel realistic to me.

“Frustrated” Why’s he frustrated? It’s not like somebody’s there to rule his head and tails game… he could just say that was tails so I don’t have to go.

“EXT. DAVE’S - FRONT – CONTINUOUS” I’m guessing this is the diner but it could be confusing to the reader… might want to clarify this.

P.5 “a man in a short sleeve shirt” I wasn’t sure about this before the character’s intro… think this could be avoided and it would tighten your action.

P.6 Yeah, there’s more of this character description here before the intro, it seems to be your style of writing.

“Maggie is” Okay just a pet peeve of mine, the use of “is” when easily avoidable.

“Chris takes his hat off, hangs it atop a coat rack next to the front door” Why didn’t he hang it up when he walked in? He walks to the counter, back to front door, and then back to the counter.

P.7 “A black 1987 Chevy Camaro IROC-Z leaves the diner.” A bit awkward for me and does the exact car model matter?

“looks” I’m at page 7 and have seen this word a lot already. Do a ctrl-d and see if you can change a few of these… plenty of different words to use.

P.8 “KASEY EDWARDS” why not introduce them when first entering the diner? It’s just consistency for me because you intro’d the cops in the beginning with names and they didn’t even speak.

“Maggie sets her notepad down” She also set it down on page 6 so either you need to add something about her picking it back up or cut it altogether.

P.10 Wonder if you need and INSERT: PHOTO here when showing the photo… not actually too sure myself but something to think about.

“INT. DAVE’S (FLASHBACK)” It’s probably just me because I known to be stupid at times but this had me asking “Who’s Dave?” for a second. Just saying that if the diner’s name isn’t too important it might be worth changing the name for less confusion.

P.11 “David, who smiles nervously, is in the driver’s seat.”
Think this could be reworded for the better.

P.12 David is apologising a lot here which I find convenient when Chris wished he had said previously.

P.13 “I was going to see her at the hospital. To see her.” This didn’t read right. I would get rid of that second “to see her”

P.14 I personally love this shift of story to David now, think you’ve done this very well and kept me interested with this sudden development.

P.17 Okay, I’m guessing this is before what just happened with Chris? David seems very cool for someone who’s just left an officer dead on the side of the road and has blood dripping from his trunk.

What’s with all dialogue here?

“There’s enough caffeine in there to stop a horse.” Thought he said sugar?

P.20 “You always hate on my car.” Think this should be “You’ve always hated my car.” I know what you’re saying but I don’t think it reads right.

P.22 “handgun” It was a “S&W Colt .45 ACP.” before, I do like consistency.

Also, shit man! David didn’t give Sasha time to explain, he’s one impatient guy.

P.23 “David runs back to the car, unlocks the trunk.” When did he walk away from the trunk? I thought Sasha died in his arms by the trunk?

What’s going on with Vincent? Is he watching with a pair of binoculars from the across the street? He just seems to know everything about this while being on the phone? How would he know his jacket is covered in blood?

P.24 “David glances at Abby and Kasey at a booth to David’s right.”
I’d tighten this line for a smoother read.

P.25 “David collides with Chris.” Was just going to mention that when you enter a continuous scene like this, don’t really think you need to say “David” Could just be “Collides with Chris” Little things like this could help tighten the action.

P.28 “He runs back to the car, hops inside.” What happened to the backyard and chain link fence? He had to go through them to get to the shed but not on the way back? Maybe it’s not important so why show him going through those steps to get there? Just a thought.

P.36 “He comes to his senses, drops the gun. He reaches down, grabs his license and registration from the snow, runs to his car.” This confused me a bit when I first read it but why go to the trouble of grabbing your license and reg yet leave the gun with your fingerprints on beside the officer… seems stupid.

Also the Vincent character is confusing at the moment, he has to be a voice in his head because of the information he knows. What confuses me most is when he called in the diner, Sasha heard the call and asked who it was? If that’s the case then how can this be in his head? I’m sure all will become clear as I read on.

Anyway, will finish it here tonight as it’s late but I’m enjoying it so far. I honestly didn’t think this would be my type of story but it’s very intriguing and I’m looking forward to see how you bring all the pieces together.

Also the writing is tight and fast to read, don’t think I spotted one typo which is impressive. If I had a complaint it would be repetitive word use, “all right” springs to mind but this more of a personal thing and nothing that harmed the read.

I’ll give some feedback on the story as a whole once finished.

Hope this helps.

Steve

Steve,

Thank you very much for giving Christmas Story a look-see. I'll be honest that I'm this close to asking you to stop reading the script because a shorter (and hopefully better) re-write is on the way. I just didn't want you to read something of a lesser quality if there were a better option. **I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE ABOUT THE NEXT STORY. IT IS HELL TO READ AND I REALLY FEEL BAD ABOUT ANYONE WHO HAD TO TRUDGE THROUGH IT...** However, as for your notes (I'll be skipping certain things as some questions you have are likely answered by the time the story is complete):

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Dispatch said you caught him.” Why was he driving with the lights flashing and siren blaring then?

Several people have mentioned this and they (including you) are entirely correct. I've changed that.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “You hate people, James?” This came out the blue, it felt out of place to me.

Virtually all of the annoying banter in the opening scene is gone.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.2 “INT. MAGNOLIA LIQUOR – CONTINUOUS” I wouldn’t consider this continuous but maybe that’s just me.

I'm self-taught at screenwriting. Breaking myself of the continuous is a complete pain in the balls but I'm getting better at it. Mini slugs and I just aren't gelling yet.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Frustrated” Why’s he frustrated? It’s not like somebody’s there to rule his head and tails game… he could just say that was tails so I don’t have to go.

He knows he has to (and in some ways, he wants to).

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.5 “a man in a short sleeve shirt” I wasn’t sure about this before the character’s intro… think this could be avoided and it would tighten your action.

It would, but it's a very important detail. You've read to the point where you find out why. I do know that the wording is bad, and I think that's what you're telling me, which is right.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.6 Yeah, there’s more of this character description here before the intro, it seems to be your style of writing.

Sadly, yes. That's a habit I won't ever be able to break.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Chris takes his hat off, hangs it atop a coat rack next to the front door” Why didn’t he hang it up when he walked in? He walks to the counter, back to front door, and then back to the counter.

I thought I had him take it off as soon as he walked in. I must've screwed that up, but that is what I intended to do.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.7 “A black 1987 Chevy Camaro IROC-Z leaves the diner.” A bit awkward for me and does the exact car model matter?

This is something people were mentioning a lot. The short and sweet version of it is really simple. I believe you can tell a lot about a person by the car they drive. Every character in this story (with the possible exception of Matthew, who doesn't drive) is a loser in one form or another. Hence, they all drive beaters. So, while the specific model doesn't matter so much, the characters' vehicles will intersect and I needed to be able to differentiate them for the reader.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “looks” I’m at page 7 and have seen this word a lot already. Do a ctrl-d and see if you can change a few of these… plenty of different words to use.

Working on that in the re-write. It's another hard habit to break. I learned to write with this belief that the screenplay is bare bones. You read through it as quickly and simply as possible. After the script comes all the flashy stuff. However, I've been told by people that my writing is so boring and plain that it nearly puts people to sleep. Have to work on that.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.8 “KASEY EDWARDS” why not introduce them when first entering the diner? It’s just consistency for me because you intro’d the cops in the beginning with names and they didn’t even speak.

That was me directing without directing. It was to imply that they're in the shot without being the focus of the shot. Then, when they get introduced officially. I'll look into fixing that, as well.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.10 Wonder if you need and INSERT: PHOTO here when showing the photo… not actually too sure myself but something to think about.

I believe you're right. It's a little flashy and drawing attention to itself but that's probably the point. I'll make the appropriate change.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “INT. DAVE’S (FLASHBACK)” It’s probably just me because I known to be stupid at times but this had me asking “Who’s Dave?” for a second. Just saying that if the diner’s name isn’t too important it might be worth changing the name for less confusion.

Nah, you're not stupid. A couple of people got tripped up on that. Besides, I wrote that scene horribly and have fixed it. As for the name, unless it becomes a dealbreaker, I'm likely to keep it and just change David's name.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.12 David is apologising a lot here which I find convenient when Chris wished he had said previously.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda...

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.13 “I was going to see her at the hospital. To see her.” This didn’t read right. I would get rid of that second “to see her”

That was intentional. David's got something to be nervous about and is mixing up his words.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.14 I personally love this shift of story to David now, think you’ve done this very well and kept me interested with this sudden development.

I appreciate that you think I did it well. There were lots of people getting tripped up. The easy way to remember is each SUPER starts a new story. And, each story takes place before the story that preceeded it.

Quoted from CoopBazinga What’s going on with Vincent? Is he watching with a pair of binoculars from the across the street? He just seems to know everything about this while being on the phone? How would he know his jacket is covered in blood?

In this version, I did David and Vincent's relationship all wrong. In the re-write, I'm subduing a lot and, against my better judgment, leaving it more vague. In actual fact, though, Vincent is David's conscience; the devil on his shoulder. Vincent does not actually exist.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.36 “He comes to his senses, drops the gun. He reaches down, grabs his license and registration from the snow, runs to his car.” This confused me a bit when I first read it but why go to the trouble of grabbing your license and reg yet leave the gun with your fingerprints on beside the officer… seems stupid.

I realized after I sent the script in that I hadn't matched the scenes. David was supposed to take the gun with him. That was been corrected in the re-write.

Quoted from CoopBazinga What confuses me most is when he called in the diner, Sasha heard the call and asked who it was? If that’s the case then how can this be in his head? I’m sure all will become clear as I read on.

This is another case of what I want to happen not happening. You hear the ringtone because it's from David's perspective, but the phone doesn't actually ring. Sasha was only supposed to know he was on the phone because he was talking to someone with the Bluetooth in his ear. That was also been fixed in the re-write.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Anyway, will finish it here tonight as it’s late but I’m enjoying it so far. I honestly didn’t think this would be my type of story but it’s very intriguing and I’m looking forward to see how you bring all the pieces together

Hopefully when you do finish it, the pieces will come together in a satisfying package.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Also the writing is tight and fast to read, don’t think I spotted one typo which is impressive. If I had a complaint it would be repetitive word use, “all right” springs to mind but this more of a personal thing and nothing that harmed the read.

I'm glad that it's at least going fast. And, any complaints are going to harm the read. I just hope to have a better draft available... whenever I finish it. Hopefully by the 22nd.

-Sean

Hey Sean,

Continuing on today. I see that you’ve nearly finished a revision but I hope you don’t mind me carrying on.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde However, as for your notes (I'll be skipping certain things as some questions you have are likely answered by the time the story is complete)

Yeah I can understand that, I just take down observations as I read and know a lot could be explained later on in the story.

These are the notes as I read:

P.36 “at a reasonable speed ”Superfluous detail IMO and was is a reasonable speed?

P.37 “David drops the Bluetooth out the window.” Did he wind it down? I guess he did with Chris earlier.

Wasn’t a fan of Matthew’s intro but I’ve covered this already… will leave it alone now.

P.39 Again, this event with Matthew and Sasha precedes the other but I think it’s silly for Sasha to meet Matthew at the same diner as the one she’s about to meet David. I’m just thinking that Maggie could mention something like “Where’s the other guy gone?” Maybe I’m over thinking this.

P.40 Nobody wants to order anything in this diner, I’m surprised Maggie’s up for promotion because they hardly seem to be racking in the money.

“Matthew checks the watch again. 6:06PM.” Would we be able to see a little pocket watch? Maybe some transition or dialogue could put the time across if an important detail which I’m guessing it is… he’s looked at his watch three times now.

He only just gave her the price… seems kinda harsh to be asking for the money already.

P.41/42 Another pet peeve of mine, dialogue going over two pages here which looks messy IMO.

P.42 “put  out” An extra space between part of the dialogue here.

Although interesting to hear, I don’t think this history lesson is moving the story forward here and that was one massive block of dialogue.

“How long did that go on for?”
Is Sasha hiring a hitman? This would normally be a big deal for people, hiring some random person to kill someone.
It’s just she seems so calm and is asking questions about the term “blood money” Isn’t she worried about David arriving?

P.43 And again here asking his name? What person would ask a hitman their name?

P.44 “It’s just my first time doing this... kind of thing.” It didn’t feel like it… she was cool as a cucumber. Maybe she needs to be more nervous in this scene but that’s probably something you’ve worked on in the rewrite.

“What did you learn?” Think “study” would be better than “learn”

P.45 “Why are you being such a prick?” Maybe he’s always a prick. She’s just met him right?

I have to say that I’m confused by Sasha’s reaction here, not only is this a professional killer but also what’s she expecting? To talk about the weather or what he’s up too on Christmas day? Just doesn’t ring true here.

“Seventeen. So far.” I doubt a professional would reveal how many people they’ve killed.

P.46 “Your money’s here.” That’s a neat trick. I didn’t see her do anything after he revealed the amount, no phone call or anything… maybe I missed it?

“walks” Three times in quick succession, might want to mix it up here.

P.47 Okay, this exchange between Matthew and Jason has me confused? Is this the money Matthew’s been waiting on?

P.48 So Jason killed a clerk for money which I’m guessing is the liquor store at the beginning? I don’t think you would get 37,000 grand from a liquor store.

P.51 So I’m left really confused after this scene with Matthew which I thought was a tad long to be honest.

What was with the entire “have you done it like this before?” and “never a cruise ship” I thought he was hired to kill someone? Isn’t it the same where ever you are? Then Matthew seems concerned about what Sasha’s going to tell her fiancé? Why does he care?

I have been left with a lot of questions now so hoping the answers will come as I go on.

P.52 “Maggie pulls out a small notebook, writes in it.” Does Maggie need to write this down… there are no other customers in the diner and its just one cup of coffee?

P.53 “David walks in, looks around.” So when did Abby and Kasey enter the diner? They were there when David arrived earlier but not now or at least the diner was empty at one point during this scene. Might want to add something about them entering the diner.

P.59 “(Into phone)” First redundant parenthetical I’ve seen. Think what you have in the action is enough to understand he’s on the phone.

“knick knacks” I’m curious to know what this is?

P.62 I know I mentioned it before but you do need to look at some of the slugs and the use of “continuous” when it’s not appropriate.

There have been quite a few instances of stopping at red lights now. I don’t know if this would play out well on screen.

P.64 “Randall tosses the phone in the passenger’s seat.” Doesn’t read right… think “in” should be “onto” and just “passenger” for a smoother read.

P.65 “Just then” Unnecessary IMO, could just start the sentence with Jason.

“out front” Same here, unneeded.

Randall’s chasing Jason? This surprises me and it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing his character would do.

“Silenced handgun” Two guns? It makes me wonder why he shot the revolver and not the silenced gun? Also again why would you throw away the gun you’ve used with your finger prints on?

“Jason backs out of the parking lot” How do we know he backed out of a parking lot? He went around the corner?

“A police car comes down the street, spots Randall kneeling in
the snow.” This reads awkward IMO.

P.66 “INT. POLICE CAR – CONTINUOUS” Maybe you could use the INT/EXT technique here. I’m not a massive fan of this but I think would work well here with the conversation between James and Randall where one is in the car and the other outside unless they are both in the car?

“Sighs” There’s also been a lot of sighing by the characters… something to look out for.

P.67 “Randy” I don’t think a officer would shorten the suspects name in a situation like this.

P.68 “The police car drives away.” I’d reword this to James as we’re inside the car.

Okay, think this is as a good place as any to finish for today, should wrap up the final act tomorrow.

This middle act was a hit and miss for me, I liked Randall’s story but couldn’t get into the Sasha one with Matthew, it was a bit confusing I’m sorry to say.

Hope this helps even though you’re already about finished on the revision.

Steve

Hey Sean,

Continuing on today and hoping to finish.

Let the notes begin:

P.70 “keans on the counter” should be leans.

“They share a look.” I thought she was reading a magazine?

“Just then” Again, I feel this superfluous.

P.71 If Heather is just a clerk, I question her actions. Nobody wants to die for a low-paid cashier job.

P.72 “Come on, Heather” How does he know her name?

“to himself” Don’t think you need this, who else would he be talking to.

At least I know now why he had two guns.

P.73 “the handgun from his coat” But he left it on the passenger seat, how did it appear in his jacket?

P.76 These scenes feel very repetitive here and other than the lottery ticket add nothing new to the mix.

P.77 “probably ignoring Jason” Probably?

“Joseph gets a good look” Who’s Joseph? Think you mean Jason.

P.80 Not too keen on this Lena, Jason exchange… Isn’t he worried about the gun he threw away around the corner or the police looking for him? He doesn’t know that Randall’s been taken in as a suspect.

P.85 I guess it wouldn’t be a Christmas story without the traditional good will gesture by someone. It does come off a bit cheesy to me though and I’m still wondering why a Santa Claus who collects for charity and gives away money to strangers is robbing a liquor store in the first place?

P.87 More repetitive action here with David and Chris, it doesn’t reveal anything new to the story.

P.89 “The paper reads” again wonder if you need and insert here?

P.90 “forces him into the tree” How? He was already leaning against it. And would you do this to a professional killer… well I bloody wouldn’t.

P.91 “Yeah, I guess you did” This doesn’t make sense, should it be “I guess I did” or in the previous line, it should be “I already got your money”

P.92 He paid all that money for a gun and a folder? He already had a gun.

Why arm the gun in front of the girl? He could of walked around a corner or gone back to his car first.

P.95 “MATTHEW’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – LATER” I don’t think “later” should be used here as we’re in a completely different scene.

P.96 What’s happened to Randall? A police officer has come to the door saying “sorry” He was arrested right?

P.99 Randall committed suicide… why?

“Michelle Harrington” I thought she was called Heather?

I going to give a lot of credit for this one, to pull all those individual stories and characters together is no easy task. It must have taken you some time to plan/write out a treatment for this one. Of course it did become a bit confusing especially in the second half but this might have been down to reading it over a few days and it probably wouldn’t be as confusing on screen.

So overall this was a bit of a hit and miss for me. I liked certain characters and their stories but others just fell a bit short.

Let’s take Chris’s story for staters and I liked this opening and introduction to the diner BTW. I also enjoyed the troubled relationship between him and his mother which was well played out but after he died, it was unresolved for me and I was kinda hoping there was going to be some exposition scene near the end with his mother about their past.

I liked David’s tale but I didn’t understand it, same goes for Sasha, Jason and Matthew which was all included into the one plot. I just couldn’t put the pieces together for this one and for me, this story needs to be made more clearer for the reader to know what’s happening. All the dialogue felt very vague and at times it went completely off topic, especially between Matthew and Sasha.

Randall was probably the most likeable character and his story was actually sad upon the ending although I don’t feel his character was the suicide type. When you’ve got a young daughter ill and a wife who needs you to help pull the family through, I don’t think he would give up that easily. Also I don’t think the cops had much of a case once they investigated but lets leave that for another day.

I think this shows immense storytelling skills though because like I said, it’s no easy task to bring all this story elements together. I think for most part you’ve done an excellent job but there were one or two areas that need to be more clarified and revealed to help the reader follow this story.

I want to quickly mention the writing which was pretty top notch throughout and very clean, it was a fast read.

So I know this feedback is most likely redundant now because you’ve just about completed the rewrite but nonetheless hope it helps you in someway going forward with it.

Looking forward to taking a browse at the revised version, I gather you’re intended on posting it?

Good work and congrats on completing the 7WC.

Steve

Damn you, Steve... And, I mean that in a completely friendly way.

I had just finished an appropriate explanation for your second act review and then you finish with a highly-detailed review of act three as well. Well, I'm going to post my reply to act two and begin work on your final review.

I just want you to know that I really appreciate such an in-depth review. I know all the time it takes to do. All the reviews from everyone were very helpful and inciteful.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.36 “at a reasonable speed ”Superfluous detail IMO and was is a reasonable speed?

It's me and my terrible ways of describing that he's not in any particular hurry.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.37 “David drops the Bluetooth out the window.” Did he wind it down? I guess he did with Chris earlier.

He never rolled it up after Chris pulled him over.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Wasn’t a fan of Matthew’s intro but I’ve covered this already… will leave it alone now.

Yes, please. Everything that's wrong with "Down Payment", I knew going in. I'm in the process of re-working it but it's a ginormous pain in the balls.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.39 Again, this event with Matthew and Sasha precedes the other but I think it’s silly for Sasha to meet Matthew at the same diner as the one she’s about to meet David. I’m just thinking that Maggie could mention something like “Where’s the other guy gone?” Maybe I’m over thinking this.

They mention in dialogue that it was David's call to meet at the diner. However, you won't know that anymore because I didn't like the line delivery, so I cut it.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.40 Nobody wants to order anything in this diner, I’m surprised Maggie’s up for promotion because they hardly seem to be racking in the money.

Ah, but they're making a killing in coffee sales. Also, Kasey and Abby were going to order. And, I think you got confuzzled by my awful dialogue. Chris was the one getting the promotion, not Maggie.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Matthew checks the watch again. 6:06PM.” Would we be able to see a little pocket watch? Maybe some transition or dialogue could put the time across if an important detail which I’m guessing it is… he’s looked at his watch three times now.

The timing was there more for me. I wrote the feature with the intention (although no likelihood) of directing it myself.

Quoted from CoopBazinga He only just gave her the price… seems kinda harsh to be asking for the money already.

The price is different. The money he's asking for is for materials and things like that. That's what I hoped to get across with the title "Down Payment". It's like a retainer with a lawyer.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Although interesting to hear, I don’t think this history lesson is moving the story forward here and that was one massive block of dialogue.

In my head, it had bearing on the story. Basically, he was equating himself with the "crimps" and Sasha is the ship captain. However, I couldn't properly convey it and decided to cut that sequence from the re-write.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “How long did that go on for?” Is Sasha hiring a hitman? This would normally be a big deal for people, hiring some random person to kill someone. It’s just she seems so calm and is asking questions about the term “blood money” Isn’t she worried about David arriving?

When I was writing her, I had an image in my head. I hate to take examples from other movies but I pictured her as a cold-hearted version of Jerry Lundegaard (Fargo). She's kind of bumbling and new to this but she's still dead-set on having her fiancee killed for his money.

As for the second part, she should be because she was half an hour late to a meeting where her timing was set properly. Sometimes, you just get lucky.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.43 And again here asking his name? What person would ask a hitman their name?

It goes along with her character like above. She's just making chit chat with this guy. I have altered her character a bit in the re-write to make her more like a cunning bitch but underneath, she's still the same bumbling wreck.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.44 “It’s just my first time doing this... kind of thing.” It didn’t feel like it… she was cool as a cucumber. Maybe she needs to be more nervous in this scene but that’s probably something you’ve worked on in the rewrite.

I've changed it in some ways.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “What did you learn?” Think “study” would be better than “learn”

Nope, it's correct as is. He doesn't care what she studied. He's figuring out her thought process and knows from her response that she's shallow and thinks she can outsmart or pay off anyone.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.45 “Why are you being such a prick?” Maybe he’s always a prick. She’s just met him right?

She's met with him two other times (in the dialogue).

Quoted from CoopBazinga I have to say that I’m confused by Sasha’s reaction here, not only is this a professional killer but also what’s she expecting? To talk about the weather or what he’s up too on Christmas day? Just doesn’t ring true here.

Chalk that up to, among other things, bad writing. I have a hard time getting across the things I need to, but the general idea is still there.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Seventeen. So far.” I doubt a professional would reveal how many people they’ve killed.

Correct. However, Sasha doesn't know one way or the another. There's no detail about him that she can prove and he knows it.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.46 “Your money’s here.” That’s a neat trick. I didn’t see her do anything after he revealed the amount, no phone call or anything… maybe I missed it?

Cell phone text message. But, I've changed that in the re-write.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “walks” Three times in quick succession, might want to mix it up here.

I didn't bother with better adjectives in the first draft. I am improving that, though.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.47 Okay, this exchange between Matthew and Jason has me confused? Is this the money Matthew’s been waiting on?

Yes.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.48 So Jason killed a clerk for money which I’m guessing is the liquor store at the beginning? I don’t think you would get 37,000 grand from a liquor store.

It's not. In my mind, I calculated it to be roughly $2-3000. They don't have to pay the money for the entire job yet.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.51 So I’m left really confused after this scene with Matthew which I thought was a tad long to be honest. What was with the entire “have you done it like this before?” and “never a cruise ship” I thought he was hired to kill someone? Isn’t it the same where ever you are?

More bad writing that I'm going to clarify in David's story. Basically, their honeymoon is going to be on a cruise ship which Matthew is going to be on and kill David on-board.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.52 “Maggie pulls out a small notebook, writes in it.” Does Maggie need to write this down… there are no other customers in the diner and its just one cup of coffee?

Good call. That one should be gotten rid of.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.53 “David walks in, looks around.” So when did Abby and Kasey enter the diner? They were there when David arrived earlier but not now or at least the diner was empty at one point during this scene. Might want to add something about them entering the diner.

Looking over it, you're correct. I completely spaced on putting that in there,even though I was nearly certain I did.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.59 “(Into phone)” First redundant parenthetical I’ve seen. Think what you have in the action is enough to understand he’s on the phone.

Agreed.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “knick knacks” I’m curious to know what this is?

Knick knacks are assorted items. It just seemed simpler to type than "assorted items" and neater.

Quoted from CoopBazinga There have been quite a few instances of stopping at red lights now. I don’t know if this would play out well on screen.

I have something in particular in mind for when they happen.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.64 “Randall tosses the phone in the passenger’s seat.” Doesn’t read right… think “in” should be “onto” and just “passenger” for a smoother read.

I'm kind of partial to "in", myself, but that's just me. It's a minor quibble so I'll probably just change it to avoid any reason to turn people off. As for "passenger", I know it as the passenger's seat. I never understood people calling it the passenger seat.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.65 “Just then” Unnecessary IMO, could just start the sentence with Jason.

Good call. I have a habit of using "just then"'s and they are killing me.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Randall’s chasing Jason? This surprises me and it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing his character would do.

Chase was a poor choice of words in my writing. Randall literally only gets about four steps before being stopped. You don't think it's like his character to do that, though?

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Silenced handgun” Two guns? It makes me wonder why he shot the revolver and not the silenced gun? Also again why would you throw away the gun you’ve used with your finger prints on?

It's one of those details I gloss over because it becomes second knowledge in my head. Jason puts gloves on before going into the store (in his story). I just forgot to write it in but it's in there in the re-write.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Jason backs out of the parking lot” How do we know he backed out of a parking lot? He went around the corner?

Side parking for the liquor store is what I meant. My way of describing is pretty terrible.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “A police car comes down the street, spots Randall kneeling in the snow.” This reads awkward IMO.

Agreed.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.66 “INT. POLICE CAR – CONTINUOUS” Maybe you could use the INT/EXT technique here. I’m not a massive fan of this but I think would work well here with the conversation between James and Randall where one is in the car and the other outside unless they are both in the car?

Randall's sitting in the car while James stands just outside the door, talking to him. Because it's from his perspective, I pictured the camera in the police car with him.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Sighs” There’s also been a lot of sighing by the characters… something to look out for.

What can I say? They're all a bunch of sad, pathetic bastards in this story. That said, you're right. I intend to work on that as well.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.67 “Randy” I don’t think a officer would shorten the suspects name in a situation like this.

Lame pay-off. I'll look into that one.

Quoted from CoopBazinga P.68 “The police car drives away.” I’d reword this to James as we’re inside the car.

Good call. I didn't want to create a new slug everytime I picture a shot taking place in a new area but this is my pitfall. I'll work on that as well.

Quoted from CoopBazinga This middle act was a hit and miss for me, I liked Randall’s story but couldn’t get into the Sasha one with Matthew, it was a bit confusing I’m sorry to say.

That's okay. You're officially through the worst part of the script, I promise. Granted, some people think the last story grinds to a halt and find the ending a bit confusing, but I offer my personal guarantee that the end isn't as bad as Sasha's story.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Hope this helps even though you’re already about finished on the revision.

I promise you, Steve. It's all helpful. And, I'm always grateful.

Sean, I tend to take heavier notes at the very beginning.  I’m just going to throw a few things out.  These are obviously just my own ideas, and it’s up to you to decide whether or not you agree or want to make changes.

But first, I want to give you my overall impressions.  I liked it…a lot, actually.  Wonderful attention to detail displayed throughout, which is rare to come across.  You obviously took your time planning this all out and it shows.

There is power here.  There is raw emotion.  There is insanity, jealousy, brutality, and lots of sadness.  It’s Christmas like I’ve never imagined.

I think it can be better, though, even.  As I’ve brought up many times below, you tend to overwrite.  You tend to have too much dialogue.  You tend to repeat a little too much.  These are relatively easy fixes, however, and if you choose to cut some of this fat out, you’re going to find you have a good 10-15 pages to work with…and I think the stories could use another 10-15 pages of additions.

I would have liked to see more of Maggie and her story.  I definitely feel Mathew is the weakest, or least developed character, and I was hoping to learn more.  As it sits now, he is a mystery, but not a good mystery.  I’d develop his story a bit more, as he didn’t quite work for me.

But Sean, let me say this in all honesty and seriousness. I think you have something here and you know I rarely say that.  It reads a little slow as written and as I said above, I think it needs a few tweaks here and there, but I love what you’ve come up with.  I love how you structured it.  It has a Pulp Fiction and Go vibe to it and those are 2 kickass flicks, IMO.  If I were you, I’d put some more time into this and turn it into all it can be.  It’s rare that I get emotional while reading a script, but I did here…several times.  I was even surprised several times.

I haven’t read any feedback yet, but I’ll be very surprised if others don’t see the power on display and attention to detail here.  This is some fine work, Sean – easily the best I’ve seen from you before.  You should be proud, bro.  Hell of an effort.  Now fine tune this baby, and you will seriously have something on your hands.

Page 1 – Your opening passage/Slug isn’t really necessary.  It’s a good visual, but since you’re not really showing us anything important, you could just as well start with your 2nd Slug, and have the police car pull up to a stop, next to the other cars.

I am personally against the use of semi colons in scripts, as to me, they serve no purpose.  I’d suggest simply using commas each and every time.

Same as above, IMO, the INT POLICE CAR scene isn’t necessary – you can intro Dejesus in the next scene, as he walks out of the car.  Just a couple easy ways to save 5 or 6 lines right off the bat and get things rolling more quickly.

Be careful of over using “police car” and “police officer”.

OK, opening dialogue sounds pretty good, but my only concern is that I don’t feel you need a whole page to show what you’ve shown so far.  Not a bad page 1 by any means, though.  If I were reading on my own, I would continue, so that’s a good a sign.

Page 2 – “Chris spots…” – this is awkwardly phrased, especially with the “inspects a beer cooler” part.

I don’t really follow the dialogue exchange between Chris and Ambrozik.

Last scene on Page 2 and first on page 3 are completely unnecessary, I’d lose them.

Page 3 –  “DAVE’S – FRONT” – Ummm, not sure what you’re trying to do with this Slug – FRONT is not a time element.   EDIT – I really dislike “Dave’s” for the name of the Diner, especially since David is a main character.

Sean, I always advise peeps not to use phrases like “Chris sees”, “Chris hears”, etc.  IMO, it’s a waste.

This whole scene, which runs to page 5 is overwritten and contains way too many unnecessary details.  Also, you’re writing in 1 line action/description lines which is inflating the length here, IMO.

Page 7 – OK, I actually like this scene here with Chris reconnecting with his Mom, but again, IMO, it drags a bit.  Also, you should immediately intro the Mom and kid, since you do later here.

Page 9 – OK, again, I do like where this is going and how you’re doing it, and you know I don’t say that all that often.   BUT, it is overwritten.  Chris’ Mom’s dialogue could use a little freshening up – she sounds a bit robotic in places and maybe you’re going for the distance between them, but I think it could use a look or two.  Bottom line is that you’ve used 8 ½ pages so far and IMO, you could easily do the exact same thing in about 6.

“Neither Jason or…” – This is the kind of sentence you want to try and avoid if at all possible, as it’s  what I call, a “tell”.  You’re telling me something by writing a line about what’s not there.

Page 10 – A good example of overwriting is your constant lines about turning the lights on and off.  You don’t need or want to do this, as it doesn’t matter.  Kind of like writing about peeps opening and closing doors – it’s understood and not necessary to write in a Spec script.

Page 13 – Woooo, not where I thought this was going…at all.  I guess that can be considered a good thing.  Same thing I want to say again – I like your dialogue but there’s too much of it, IMO.  I don’t see this as being near 13 minutes of film time.  Much of this is based on how you’re choosing to write what you want to say.  Also, there are definitely many lines of dialogue that don’t need to be here.

OK, so…is this like a compilation of different stories?  Interesting…very interesting.

Page 17 – Vincent’s dialogue should be (V.O.), not (O.S.).

Page 18 – OK, Sean, so again, I actually like what you’re doing with the previous scene, but it’s much too long for what it is.  Too many comments about nothing, and really, nothing going on.  Don’t get me wrong, because your dialogue is actually pretty good.  I’d lose some wrylies, and lose the stuff about ordering the coffee, bringing the coffee, etc, as it just doesn’t add anything at all.

But, there is a rather interesting vibe you’ve got going here.  I almost feel a little Pulp Fiction feel going on here, and that’s a fucking good thing, bro.

Page 19 – “We all go a little mad sometimes” – NICE!  Love it.  I enjoy when writers can weave in a classic line form a movie and have it make sense.  Creepy, actually, but effective.

Page 21 – Sean, this has some serious potential, but again, this death scene is another example of you writing too much and losing the effect…the power of this powerful scene.  Too much talking takes away from what just went down.

I’m also confused now about this Vincent guy on the phone.  Unless he’s literally just offscreen, his dialogue has to be (V.O.).  I’m wondering if he’s even a real person or some figment in Dave’s mind.  We’ll see.

Page 23 – So now Vincent speaks (O.S.) and there’s no phone involved.  I’m confused, but thinking it has to be a voice in his head and if so, I don’t know if I personally like that.

Page 33 – IMO, you don’t need or want all the exact same stuff happening again, as we just saw it happen.  We know exactly what’s going to happen, so unless you play this scene from a completely different perspective, it feels old and stale.

Page 34 – OK, story angle # 3 starting up.  Hard to say what I want to say here, Sean, cuz I really like what you’re doing here and I admire the non standard structure you’re using.  BUT, IMO, both story angle 1 and 2 are overwritten, and too long at 34 pages combined.  I think they can each be cut pretty heavily, but I think they actually need a bit more.  So, my recommendation is to cut out the fat and add some new stuff to spruce them up a bit.

Page 35 – Wooo – love it – “never shake the Devil’s hand”.  Sean, I’m more than intrigued, bro, I hope you can pull this all together, cuz there is major potential here!

Page 46 – Sean, again, I like what you’re doing with this new scene but this one is even longer than the others and it’s 2 peeps in a diner talking with nothing happening around them.  Too much dialogue can sometimes kill good dialogue.  Needs to be trimmed or something exciting or interesting needs to happen.

Page 47 – Angle # 4 begins.  Let’s see where we go…

Page 55 – Sean, do some research on (V.O.) and (O.S.), cuz you’re getting it wrong every time.

I do not like using intercuts.  I don’t like reading intercuts.  They are lazy writing to me.  Too much dialogue again between Randy and Kacey.

BUT…

You are doing a terrific job of tying this all together. I am very impressed, actually.  It takes a real attention to detail and you’ve obviously put the time in and done your homework.  It shows.  Good job!

Page 79 – Sean, again, bro, I really like what you’ve done with this new Jason angle, and again, it shows major attention to detail and major thought and planning.  For awhile, I was thinking this wasn’t going anywhere, but by bringing in Kacey and Abby, and then having Jason give away the winning ticket, which will most likely be the final nail in innocent Randall’s coffin, is well played.  Impressive.  But, again, too much dialogue that doesn’t need to be there, shouldn’t be there, because it detracts from the emotional power you’ve shown.

“Chris saves himself by grabbing of the railing.” – Not sure what this is supposed to say.  Typo in here, maybe?  Otherwise, very awkward.

Page 80 – “DAVE’S – BACK” – It seems like the action underneath this Slug should be in the car, not the Diner.  Am I missing something here, or are you saying he throws the canister inside the Diner?

Page 83 – I’m definitely confused as to who Mathew is, and his connection with Jason, but I’m sure I’m about to find out as we go into another story angle.  EDIT – We never find out and that’s a problem.

Page 84 – Kasey’s dialogue – “come” – “came”

Page 86 – What’s up with “DAUGHTER” and “SON”?  Why aren’t they named?

Page 87 – “James, to comfort her,…” – Very awkwardly phrased.

Page 87/88 - “DAVID’S HOUSE” – This entire scene is way overwritten.  Too much description, too much everything.

Page 88 – The Operator’s dialogue should be (V.O.)

Page 89 – Ambrozyk’s dialogue is missing “up” after “held”

Page 91 – Look how each and every sentence starts with either Jason or David.

Finished – Good job!