Hey Simon,
I had a couple of hours to kill before the big derby between the Eagles and the Dockers so gave this a read. Sorry it took me a little while to get onto this, as I have been meaning to.
Like your recent shorts, the writing does lack in some areas, setting of your scenes for one which makes visualizing your script very difficult at times. Also the use of mini’s which is odd but I’m glad to say that they wasn’t uses as often as I thought after that first page.
I personally thought the slugs were a tad weak and you didn’t make use of the great location in which this story is set. I mean you have a story set in Vegas which is made up of famous casinos, bright lights and some possible eccentric people but most scenes took place in a diner, office, car, nightclub etc. Just felt like you could have used the setting to your advantage here and brought some life to your story. Missed opportunity IMO.
It’s a fast read but this mostly down to this being a very dialogue heavy script and when I say dialogue, I mean short dialogue. Characters always tend to interrupt one another and this leads to a fast but confusing read. There is nothing wrong with dialogue heavy scripts but here it felt like most were speaking in code, not wanting to reveal what is actually happening which can be a problem when there isn’t a lot of action to move the story along. We’re reading this dialogue for exposition but most of the time I was just being confused by their conversations. If anything it became more confusing as the story moved along like characters who knew what was happening suddenly didn’t like Hoolan and Belgan.
Also seemed to be a lot of superfluous chatter like ordering drinks in scenes and character’s repeating words to one another.
So let’s move onto the story and like I say, for 75% I was pretty bemused because I couldn’t figure out who was with who? Obviously most of it became clear at the end but some things still felt unresolved. I really don’t know what to add, everyone seemed to be outdoing the other and I’m still actually unsure to be honest as to who was the one who came out on top. It’s definitely not Pincher but otherwise, yeah not sure.
Shipyard was your protag but I have no idea what his motivation was or to be fair who he was? What his background is or why he’s accepted to go undercover in Vegas? There was a slight hint of a past relationship with Ellie but that never came into play or was explored. He actually doesn’t get a lot to do in the last thirty pages and overall fell very flat, he needs a lot more for me at the moment, apart from his name which I like. He’s very forgettable.
Pincher and Petroso felt like the big bosses at first, mobster types but both became nervous wrecks by the end. I mean we didn’t really get to see them do a lot other than drink and talk…can’t remember anything of the top of my head where they imposed themselves onto the story…again forgettable.
Ellis was confusing, she was someone from Shipyard’s past which was a good start but then she just spoke to the two cops from out of town. The big large box in the warehouse scene still confuses the hell out of me? At first she wanted nothing to do with this situation, I mean Shipyard called her in for help because he thought he was being set-up but by the end she was telling the cops all about Shipyard’s operation…what changed? Why is she telling on Shipyard?
Which brings me onto Hoolen and Belgan…these guys were not doing it for me at all I’m afraid. They came off as stupid to me and kept talking like they had no idea what was going on? I wondered if they even knew why they’re in Vegas sometimes. They’re partners but they talked like they were strangers, and when they did speak on sync, it was kinda creepy.
Other characters came and went like Brown and Oasis but didn’t have much of an impact…maybe Oasis should have come in earlier in the piece as he actually has a big hand in the final reveal.
Like I say, what really was lacking for me was character motivations, and none more so than Shipyard who as a protag for me needs some more substance to carry this along.
I know you had an idea to keep the reader in the dark about the plot but for me this backfired because it meant it come off confusing. I think you could reveal certain aspects to the reader like if Shipyard is being set-up then have a scene with Hoolan and Pincher talking about this…it would bring us into the story instead of all the puzzles and what not.
I mean it’s okay for the characters not to know but for us the reader to not know either isn’t great. And the final twist if you can call it that didn’t really save the day but I was surprised to learn about Petroso, made me wonder if the cops would do that though?
If I learnt anything, it’s that Vegas has great coffee and there was plenty of it on display here. Get Starbucks in on a commercial deal.
So overall it wasn’t for me I’m afraid, just too much dialogue which didn’t push the story forward and the story was too confusing for me. Maybe you could shed some light on certain aspects to me?
Here are some notes I took during the read:
P.1 Where's my "fade in"... I really don't understand why peeps are taking this out but again, this may go into preference territory.
A really confusing opening which leaves a few questions…wouldn't have minded some more visuals of the cafe.
Some of the lines are coming across a tad awkward in this opening passage, I personally think you were so concentrated on your mini-technique that you've made what should have been a straight-forward line more difficult to read. Hope that makes sense. Like:
"A HOOD makes toward the exit -- as he moves, behind him, he
reveals a --
DEAD MAN"
Could have been:
A Hood makes toward the exit. Reveals a DEAD MAN slumped in the booth behind him.
"lying slumped in a booth." If he's lying in the booth then wouldn't the table hide him from view. Again because of no visuals of the actual cafe, I'm unsure of the positioning this is all taking place.
"squad car screeches" Are we seeing the squad car? We're still in the cafe? Maybe it has full-size windows? Not sure? Sirens are okay but it could be an ambulance or fire engine...this scene needs to be clearer for me.
So the cops have burst into the cafe but then the hood's holding the door? So did he open the door for them or did they smash it open into him?
"GUN" I have no idea why this is on its own in a mini? Did the hood walk out or is he still holding the door open?
Third "GUN" in half a page - what type of guns are these? Hopefully this means lots of gun action.
All very mysterious in the car scene, basically saw nothing other than hands. Wasn't even aware there was a passenger until one exited.
“shirt-sleeves” Was this supposed to be short-sleeves? I find it a random description to tell me someone has shirt sleeves.
Both cops again didn’t have a lot of description. One is suited holding shades in an office while the other has shirt-sleeves…not a lot to go on.
P.2 “We have a problem in Vegas.” Hence the title…we’re moving fast. I like it.
Did Hoolan move to the projector or was it right beside him? It was in the rear of the room before?
I think you could add a visual of the projector, show us Jack Pincher on the screen which would help break up this scene.
P.3 “Belgan lean over Tom.” Should be leans.
P.5 It’s a fast read but very dialogue heavy and I mean short, direct dialogue.
Some of the dialogue reads very cheesy like when they’ll talking about playing chess…just doesn't read like cops I’ve ever seen.
P.6 “VEGAS” Vegas is in the slug so how would we know it’s in Vegas? Maybe a SUPER is needed. Where were the guys before? Why is Vegas their problem?
Again, a lack of visuals in Luigi’s bar. Tom basically walks to the counter…that’s it.
“Are you visiting, or are you resident here.” Missing question mark but this read wrong to me. “Are you visiting, or do you live here?” Or at least change “resident” to residing.
P.7 “men” Cap men on first intro or at least one of them, he gets to talk so should be capped IMO.
“a RADIO CRACKLING.” Extra space here.
“He appears to be talking into his sleeve.” Why “appears”? He is talking into his sleeve.
P.8 the story’s moving fast but it leaves me with a few questions at the moment.
It’s moving so fast that it seems like characters know answers before the question is even asked.
Shipyard’s line: “Does he know that I’m monitoring
him? How much does he know?”
Is he talking about Pincher? Just a second ago they saying about Pincher sussing him out but how? Now he’s asking the guys he just told about “thinking he’s been sussed” about how much Pincher knows?
P.9 “He’s made first move” Missing “the” after made.
“He’s on to us.” They actually don’t know this. All he did was asked him if he’d seen the sights.
Just a thought, would cops investigate other cops? I thought that would be an “internal affairs” job.
P.10 “BAR” Is this a different bar? If not then why didn’t you call it blue hoarding? It’s good to be consistent.
“how’s it going.” Missing question mark.
“Pincher, surprised, turns to see Shipyard.” I would change this to “Surprised, Pincher turns to see Shipyard.” Breaks up the repetitive use of Pincher to start a sentence. Just a thought.
I just suddenly thought… Shipyard calls Pincher by name but were they ever introduced to one another? We never saw it on their first meeting?
“Saw you in here.” Again without any visuals I’m not sure how? Again are there big windows to look in through?
“Bar-man” and “tender” why not just bartender?
P.12 “co-incidence” Have never seen a hyphen in coincidence.
“You just so happen make small talk” Missing “to” after happen.
“Shipyard marches down the sidewalk.” I’ve seen do this a couple of times now…might want to mix it up.
P.13 Is this the same hotel room as before? It’s funny that you’ve set the scene on the second visit rather than the first.
P.14 “Tom gets up” This caught me off guard. Throughout in the action he’s been called Shipyard but suddenly changed to Tom here.
“Shipyard and Pincher march along the sidewalk.” Yeah, these guys love marching down sidewalks.
“leans only to a tacky nightclub” typo, leans should be leads.
P.16 I think you might need to change to an INT. scene before using the mini’s.
“a PUNK BLOND(MAY, 20’s), exits the door. She’s a care-free delinquent with some attitude.” She got more of a description than your main players so far? I wouldn’t tighten this line because it actually gives a nasty orphan which takes you to 5 lines.
Also “blond” should be blonde I believe.
P.18 “Shipyards” Take off the “s” at the end of Shipyard.
“looks” Watch out for this one, try to mix it up a bit.
P.19 “INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT” a different nightclub or still Dan’s allnite nightclub? This is why it’s good to be consistent as I’m unsure?
“the Punk Blond.” Why not May? You gave her a name.
“a number.” Another spot with an extra space.
P.20 “The GUY” You’ve capped him but not on first intro?
P.21 “Pinches” typo, should be Pincher.
P.24 “Walk straight down, then look for you left.” I think “for you” should be “to your”. Also, how would Petroso know exactly where Shipyard is? He never said and they’re on the phone?
P.25 Look at this page and how many paragraphs start with Shipyard, doesn’t look good on the page IMO.
“for this crap you putting me through” you should be your.
“hell of sorry bitch” Missing “a” after of.
P.26 “I’m going to kill you next” Huh? Next? After who?
“Shipyards” Again with the “s” on Shipyard.
“Pertoso” Another typo, should be Petroso.
P.27 “I lent it to looks good.” “Looks” should be look.
“Shipyard in the driving seat.” Why would Shipyard be in the driver’s seat and Hoolan in the passenger seat in Hoolan’s car?
“Hoolan’s got an expression on his face like someone
simultaneously broke uber-bad wind whilst asking him to
solve Faucault’s missing theorum.”
Now that’s an expression. Think you mean “Foucault’s missing theorem” I looked it up.
“I hung around while they got it off.” Wait a minute…so he hung around while Lynch’s boys took the grenade off, the same guy who wants to kill him. Sounds odd.
P.28 “she’s being watched.” In her own office? Why doesn’t she just close the door?
“A warm evening” Show us…have the characters talk about the weather, summer attire, anything to get this across visually.
“balcony.” There is no need to repeat information, we know we’re on the balcony from the slug.
“hu?” Is this supposed to he “huh”
P.34 A lot if “sipping” and “gulping” of coffees over the last few pages. I have to be honest and say I’m a little lost at the moment?
They wanted Shipyard to investigate Pincher but he’s now trying to get in with Petroso while it seems Pincher is working with Hoolan and Belgan to set-up Shipyard. What for I have no idea? I still am unsure what Pincher’s role is? He seems to be nothing, not really involved.
P.34 Is Shipyard on screen here in the mayor’s office? He was never mentioned yet he’s talking? You might want to just throw in a few lines before he speaks. It’s hard to visualise if you didn’t know he was there.
“You like bold?” What does he mean?
P.35 “He was too expensive?” This conversation between the mayor and Shipyard is repeated info. I found out why he stopped using Petroso on the balcony before.
P.36 “My ass is a market force.” No idea what this means.
What’s happening here? Juliano will just take Petroso back because Shipyard asked nicely? There has been no mention of actually lowering the price…I wonder why Pincher couldn’t handle this if it was this easy.
Maybe I was premature…the trusty grenade is out.
“He places it in front of Juliano – on Juliano’s desk.” Don’t think you need all this. Either one would have sufficed on its own.
“I know you very well.” Found this a funny line. If Juliano knows him so well, why did Shipyard ask if he knows him? How does he know him…I thought they just met? Maybe it’s his reputation but that came about fast…how long has he been in town?
“Shipyard leans” Another one to watch, people like leaning so far.