Hi Alffy - not done quotes here, so sorry if this is a pain to read - if so I won't do it again.

Hoolan and Belgan could do with better introductions.  
-- agreed. This is going to be looked at.

It can become confusing when your characters are referring to others by names you don’t use in the dialogue.  Does that make sense?  Hoolan keeps calling Shipyard, Tom.  
-- I'm fairly sure I pick up on this half-way through. I'm intending to do a re-write, so that's one of a couple of issues.

My summary of the first 10 pages ... a lot of dialogue ... little of what that story is ... you don’t include much in terms of location description ...
-- I re-read it recently, and there was more than I thought. Location, yeah, that was picked up by Coop. I easily pick up on that in other people's scripts, but it's an easy adjust.

I found Shipyard’s and Pincher’s conversation ... it’s as if I missed some part of the story.  If Pincher doesn’t know who Shipyard is, why is he so open to his offer?  I’m also a little confused as to who Pincher is.  If he’s a rogue is he a rogue cop?  Would a rogue cop be so open to talking to a stranger in a bar about dodgy deals?
-- That's central to the story.

Shipyard phones Ellie from a payphone but a few scenes later he phones Petroso from his mobile...
-- Mobile phone calls are traceable more easily than a payphone is.

I love the super glue bit but I wonder how quick it dries?  Actually I’m being niggley ... he'd be in the blast zone?
-- Yes you're being niggley. Soon as I put a bit of action in, you're not happy. Typical. I'll stick to dialogue then ...  

So I’m about 30 pages in and I still can’t get my head round the dialogue; vague, short and sweet.  I’m now thinking this is your intention?  I get the feel of an indie film here, something different from the norm.  Long scenes of dialogue and little action.
-- I do tend toward dialogue, and it's something I could do with adjusting some. Indie, maybe, low budget, definetly, but I'd agree some of the longer scenes of just dialogue could do with breaking up. Generally, yeah, I've intentionally kept the dialogue short. I think a dialogue-heavy script without chopping it up some wouold just make it really heavy.

Page 37 you have a EXT/INT scene.  Is this an intercut between scenes?  I was a little confused as you used an intercut earlier but it wasn’t stated here.
-- Can't quite figure that one - I generally don't like INT./EXT., and I do like INTERCUT. Don't know why I did that, but it'll be dropped.

It’s becoming intriguing as I try to figure out who knows who and who’s in cahoots with who and what everyone is hoping to gain from this whole escapade?
-- Okay, good, but maybe a little late in. That maybe due to the set-up? Not too sure.

I can’t help but picture Hoolan and Belgan gaining weight throughout the story.  They’re always eating and drinking lol.
-- Yes! Too comedy, mind.

Hoolan and Belgan start off watching Shipyard in a surveillance van but by the end they have no idea where he is.  The two cops come across as complete idiots.  
-- Something else that Coop brought up. I don't mean to play them as 'idiots' per se, but bumbling, incompetent - but a sort of 'cool incompetent' if there's such a thing ...? Not too sure if it's coming across right.

Shipyard might need a bit of work ...  He must be paying Ellie to cover for him too, what’s their relationship?
-- Yeah Shipyards the biggest flaw in this. With him and Ellie, there is 'previous' but it's not really referred too - I didn't want to have it filled with back-story.

Much of the dialogue comes across as some sort of code that I’m not privy too.  I’m on the fence by the end.  Was this a bit under developed and too short on action or was this actually a very smart dialogue driven misdirection drama?  I’m still thinking….
-- Was there a complement potentially hidden in there? This might sound strange, but I might be joining you on the fence. I've got some pm'd feedback coming, so I'm taking all this into account before I do a re-write. But that's why I posted it, really because I know it's not yet right, and what should I do.

Finally, I noticed a few typos but I never made a note of them, sorry.  I think they’ve been covered anyway.
-- Coop's got this very well covered.

Thanks Alffy - you made some great points there, very valuable, and that's going to be a big help in a re-write.

I've been thinking about this and I'm still torn with it.  I was completely confused at times but by the end I kind of worked out the jist of it and it's actually a pretty decent story.  Yes it needs a re-write but I liked the confusion and yes there was a complement in there

Hey Simon.
Sorry for delay.
I'm in page 40 now. On P-36 He places granade on Juliano's desk is enough IMO. Looks like you repeat one sentence two times.

And another point boddy. In the begining of the script they follow the guy and talk through microphones in their sleeves I think is too early for that. Usually in the movies that cool stuff comes in the end or at least in the middle of the story. So IMO it was not nesessery just yet. Plus the guy doesn't seem to be such a hile profile target. Just a cop who likes the bribes.

With that said I'm only on page 40 and my calculations might be wrong.
Will get back to you soon.

Jahon

Cheers Jahon - not really thought about the sleeves bit being so early on ... ? But I'll check the double sentence. Cheers for the read.