Broken by Will Hare (happywash) - Drama - A young man's fragile existence shatters when he's forced to care for the brother that abused him as a child, hurtling the damaged siblings toward reconciliation... or ruin. 107 pages - pdf, format

Broken made the top 10% at the Nicholl. In case anyone wanted to read it...

Thanks for the post happywash! I'd love to take a read.

Thanks. Any and all comments appreciated.

Jeez. That was really good. I didn't even want to read it all but I did. I was compelled. Breezed through the whole thing in one sitting. Depressing, sure, but brilliant.

Amazing job, man. I don't even know how someone writes something so good. Structure, dialouge, set-ups/pay-offs, everything. I hope that took you a long time to write at least. I also hope it was fiction.

You definitely earned your place at Nicholl. You deserve every success this script will recieve. Congrats, bro. Great job.

Thank you so much for the awfully kinds words. It took 5 months to write, two months to re-write. And it most certainly is fiction.  

Once again, thanks!

Congratulations Will.  I read this on Zoetrope, and it really is a riveting, compelling drama.  It certainly earned its spot in the Nicholl top 10%.  I wish you luck!

Thanks, Rock!

My script also just made the finals in the 2012 Creative World Awards. I know this is a bump, but it will be my last bump, I promise.

Broken is on the Top Rated Uploaded scripts on the Black List, so take a look over there at the latest version of the script. (I know, I know, I said I wouldn't bump the thread again, but this news, to me, was too exciting not to share).

I've yet to finish reading it. On page 49 right now. Story is definitely not my cup of tea, but can't stop reading it. I think you've done a good job here.

Done reading. I really enjoyed the way you added sound to your scenes, helped creating a better atmosphere and setting the mood, something i'll try to do aswell in my writting.

Really liked the Marina character, don't know wether to feel bad for Kevin or not.
I liked it. good job.

Thanks, Vinny! I want to leave the reader with questions when the script is over.  

Hey Happywash,

First feature I've read on here in a loooong time, and what a script to welcome we back to the site. This was bloody brilliant.

Here are the comments I made when I was reading it, nothing too major:

Page 6- Allison: “Mom’s dying. You need to come to L.A.”; this line was far too abrupt for me. It just didn't ring realistic.

I’d maybe have Daniel a bit more annoyed that he has to fly out to LA, instead of flying to NY to meet a book publisher. If I hated my family as much as he did, I'd definitely be pissed that I was having to do that instead of meeting someone who wants to publish my book!

Then when Daniel flies to LA the scene after, maybe make it explicit that he’s arrived in LA and not NY, as when he was on the phone to Josh Penzell, the publisher, in the scene before, he says that he will be flying out to NY tomorrow. Something as simple as Daniel standing under an LAX sign, or something.

Page 8- Allison: “Why do you hate our brother so much?”; this reads a bit awkward. Maybe change it to something like “How can you hate him that much? He’s our brother, after all.”

The scene on page 10 which culminates with Daniel’s “That was an accident” line was great.

The scene on page 16 in the writer’s office was superb as well.

Page 21- Daniel: “Any of you gone face-to-face with the person who fucked their life...”; I believe this should be “... with the person who fucked YOUR life” as he is addressing the people in the room as “you”.

Scene on page 24 is brilliant.

Page 43- “Kevin’s labored breathing annoys Daniel, but he brushes the feeling aside.” How do we know this? I mean, how can we see that it annoys him, on the screen? Does he sigh; maybe shakes his head at it?

Page 54- “Confusion shooting through his body, Daniel releases a primal scream to the heavens.” I’d probably cut out the “confusion shooting through his body” part, as once again, how can this be filmed?

I thought Daniel’s sudden change to wanting to love Kevin was a bit too abrupt. Yes, I know it was brought on by the parachute toy, but until then, he had showed very little sign of forgiveness. Maybe have him show slightly remorse for how he has been acting towards Kevin, or some hints at forgiveness before?

Page 72- Minor grammatical point; Jen: “You wrote a book about this, What”; should be a full stop before “what”.

Page 78- “Marina is hot on the heels of Daniel, who paces around the living.”; needs to be “living room”.

But overall, bravo. This was a well written script, with a great story-line full of clever pay-offs. Depressing? Very. But the best dramas usually are. I'm glad this is getting the positive attention it deserves, and I wish you the best of luck with it.

Toby.

Oh, and one other thing I thought of, but forgot to say; I'd maybe consider taking out the whole prostitute thing, as I personally don't feel like it's needed. Firstly, when Daniel and Jen begin to get frisky, Daniel obviously has issues with getting intimate. However, he doesn't seem to have the same issues with the prositute? I know the prostitute scene is meant to show how the whole Kevin situation has messed up Daniel's personal life and relationships, but I think Daniel's "I've never had a girlfriend" line to Jen, and the whole scene with being unable to get intimate with Jen should suffice.

Toby.