Thank you so much Toby_E You really gave me some good pointers here and I really appreciate it.

I read the first 20 pages and it is absolutely enthralling.  There is strong character development, I don't have to go back and ask "Who is this character again?".  Your characters jump out of the pages.  

There is also a strong theme carried throughout your story so it evokes really strong emotions in me.  Possibly will end up being among the top 2 best scripts I've ever read on here.

I can't wait to finish reading!  

Hello will,

Drama is not usually my favorite reading concept, but have to agree will some of the other posts, this was awesome.

I read the whole thing In one sitting and was really impressed.

Its a bit difficult to find anything wrong with this. Your formatting is pretty solid and easy to read. All your characters are very well developed. Dialogue is  also solid and lastly, I was completely satisfied with the ending.

Good luck.

Hi Happywash,

I thought this was really well executed. A top drawer effort on a very difficult subject matter.

I was in the process of writing a short based around child abuse/paedophilia so I thought I'd crack this one open. To be honest, mine is now being shelved. Although the ending pans out differently to yours, the build up scenes and the same expressions of emotions are largely similar.

If this is fiction, you've done a really good job on researching the whole psychological damage and scars this kind of thing does to you. Mine is based on fact, and I can assure you, Daniel is very much a real character.

Quoted from Toby_E Oh, and one other thing I thought of, but forgot to say; I'd maybe consider taking out the whole prostitute thing, as I personally don't feel like it's needed. Firstly, when Daniel and Jen begin to get frisky, Daniel obviously has issues with getting intimate. However, he doesn't seem to have the same issues with the prositute? I know the prostitute scene is meant to show how the whole Kevin situation has messed up Daniel's personal life and relationships, but I think Daniel's "I've never had a girlfriend" line to Jen, and the whole scene with being unable to get intimate with Jen should suffice. Toby.

Toby, I think keeping this scene in adds a necessary angle to further expose Daniel's intimacy issues. Having sex with a prostitute can be classed as an emotionally detached act. It's easy to walk away from with no fear of emotional harm or distress. Whereas sex with someone you know, or maybe have feelings towards, throws you into a completely different emotional sphere. Just my opinion though.

Kip.

I agree with Kip, the sex scene with the prostitute actually further reinforces Daniel's intimacy issues.  

Hey, Toby, thank you so much. Your notes are very good. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it!

Actually, thank you everyone. I just read all the comments. ChrisB, Kip, Toby, Irishstu, you guys made my day!

Hi Will,
Ive only read the first 5 pages or so but I like it. Very well written. What a compelling logline. ill defo get back to read more very soon. Congrats

-Gavin

Will,
Wow. I'm blown away. It's been a long time since I read a script that "demanded" I read further and further. What an awesome job. Thanks for showing me how it's done.
Regards,
Steve

Not to be a wet blanket...

But you're getting some good feedback and reviews here happywash

But I don't see you giving back to others like they're giving to you.

You've been a member of Simply Scripts for 8 months and
it seems the only thread you are participating on

is yours...

Maybe you should take some time and read some of the scripts by the people here who are reading yours.

My two cents!

Shawn.....><

Good call led!

Happy, you can clearly write, I just hope you take part here.

All the best

You are absolutely right. I should always give back. I'll download a script right now. Thanks for the push, guys.

wow, this was one hell of an easy read. Your writing is clean, crisp and fluid. I was on page 70 before i knew it and had to keep reading. i love how you describe characters and make them real without going into any real detail. Thats a gift.

I was a little cagey at the start with the flashbacks and all but it actually works. I like how you dont really reveal anything too obvious in them.

I really liked the ending, im glad you didnt opt out for the easy finish, Im glad the brother got what was coming to me. Anything other than that wouldve felt like a slap in the face lol

good job

-Gavin

It seems as if Will has this in pre production, and is also getting paid for it too! Great job, man. Two thumbs up. If you're still lurking around, did the draft from SS change by much?

Quoted from nawazm11 It seems as if Will has this in pre production, and is also getting paid for it too! Great job, man. Two thumbs up. If you're still lurking around, did the draft from SS change by much?

Just cruised on by and saw this... I know it's months later...

The actual story has not changed. I've rewritten some scenes, cut some scenes, added some scenes, and really, just tightened it up.

I was just hired to direct, as the backers thought it was my story to tell, and the talent that's interested will be more attracted to a writer/director. I'm very excited, though my responsibilities have quadrupled. I will try to keep everyone posted!