Hi Steven.
Your logline is a mess. The third sentence is an opinion and for me, comes off as a bit desperate for a read. The last line shouldn't be there either for basically the same reason. A logline simply states the protagonist, his or her goal and the antagonist in a short, one to two sentence passage.
In your first slug, you have CLOUDY DAY. It's either day or night. You can describe the weather in your action lines if need be. The part about the letter Mrs. Jetison just received in the mail is an unfilmable. Just have her tap the letter on his knee.
Your second slug is missing the day or night segment. You don't properly introduce Nick either. As a matter of fact, from a technical standpoint, Nick never enters the room. A few grammatical mistakes in the dialogue as well. Stopped after the first page.
You don't have any description of any of the characters or the setting which has me in the dark as far as visualization goes. Redo that logline and give us some detail to work with. Take care. |