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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Invincible Man Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Invincible Man  (currently 1532 views)
Don
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Invincible Man by Adam Dave - Drama - When, on his twenty-second birthday, Dustin Graves is diagnosed with terminal illness, he thinks his life is over. But then he falls in love with a beautiful young nurse, whose eccentric scientist father transforms the seed of death into the source of eternal life, turning Dustin into . . . The Invincible Man. When tragedy strikes and he must face his future without the love of his life, he must examine whether immortality is really the blessing it is made out to be. 109 pages - pdf, format


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crookedowl
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Adam,

"Drama", huh? Honestly this sounds more like a sci-fi/fantasy... maybe even superhero, according to the title. I think the premise itself is a little too cartoony to even be a sci-fi drama. A scientist makes a man invincible? You might risk sounding cheesy if you play that like a totally serious drama.

All right, so onto the script, I noticed some problems with a mere glance at your first page. Gigantic paragraphs everywhere... huge walls of text. Most people won't read very far if it's like that... I know I don't.

Break your paragraphs up. 4 lines or less for action paragraphs. Less is great. The more white space on your page, the better. You want this to be a very quick read to entice readers to finish it.

And, always begin your script with "FADE IN:" to the left. Write character names in ALL CAPS when you intro them.

After reading your opening paragraph, I understand why there are so many blocks of text... everything here is way overwritten.

You've got some unimportant details-- "the pens are individually packaged and the pills neatly arranged in rows of two"-- that don't serve the plot. They just take up space.

Also, since you have so much information crammed into a single paragraph, it's hard to visualize what's happening. Right now, you mention the guy sitting there, his bed's made, you describe his pens and pills, then back to the doctor.

In my mind, I see a shot of the doctor, close up of his bed, close up of the pills, then a shot of him again. There's barely any rhyme or reason, as the camera in my mind keeps jumping around to various things without much purpose.

Decide what you're going to say in each paragraph... read it as if you're watching it on screen. Does it make sense? Are you describing things the right way, in the right order? Do you need to show a "close up" of bottles, or does it read better to just begin with him taking the pills?

And then there's some really long V.O. It's hard enough to get V.O. right... and making it extremely long isn't helping.

I don't remember seeing you around here, so I'll stop there until you show up. I don't mean for my notes to sound harsh... I hope they help.

Will
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RegularJohn
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Hey Adam.

You've got a hefty logline.  I suggest you trim it down to a short, sweet sentence or two.

Opened up the script and wow.  You're going to want to break up these blocks of action and dialogue.  The look of your script IMO has an effect on the reader so blend it up a bit.

I completely agree with Will in terms of visualization.  When you focus on small details, you focus our vision on that detail and things can get spun around very quickly.  If there isn't a reason for describing Dustin's routine, I suggest cutting it out altogether.  Spec scripts don't have camera directions but your attentiveness towards particular detail does play a role IMO.

The voice over is another issue.  They can be tricky to pull off and the way you've got it doesn't work for me.  I think you can rewind a bit in Dustin's night and gradually work in the voice over before having him finish it on paper.  That way, we aren't bombarded by this beast of a voice over.  Just a suggestion.  Best of luck.


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