Run For Your Life by Curtis Rainey (AmbitionIsKey) - Drama - After being framed for murder, a small town girl is forced to flee town with her sick boyfriend who has leukemia. 120 pages - pdf, format

Someone needs to fix the repetition. lol.

I'm going give this a read soon.  

Gabe

Hey Curt,

Good to see the activity from you these past couple of days. Again, welcome aboard!

I will defintely take a look at this and get back to you soon. One thing, right off the bat, the logline needs some help. You could easily condense it down a couple of lines. You have "framed for murder" and "convinced to flee town" in the logline twice. In fact it seems like you've said the the entire logline twice, but you just reworded it.

Get back to you soon.

- Dirk

Wow, oh gosh!  The nerves!  The nerves!  My first attempt at a spec up on a proper screenwriting board.  Wow, it's normal to feel nervous, right?  Lol.

Anyway, thanks Don for getting this up so quick!  I don't know though what happened with the log-line.  I went over it before submitting and I am sure it wasn't all clunky like that, probably an error or something?

Wow.  Okay.  Well, it's up now.  Okay.  I hope people enjoy it, I tried.

EDIT:

Also, thought I'd add this PROMO gfx that I made a while back when writing for this began --

@Gabe -- Thanks Gabe, look forward to your thoughts.

@Dirk -- Thanks, Dirk!  Nervous, though look forward to your thoughts.  I don't know what happened with the log-line, the original log-line I submitted was: "Small town girl Remy, having been framed for a murder, is  convinced to flee town and go on the run with Dylan; her sick boyfriend whom has Leukemia.  Thus beginning a story of love, loss, happiness, but most of all - utter craziness - in this coming of age story."

I dunno how it ended up all cluttered.   Lol.

From what I've read so far (about half of page one) this is actually bloody well-written for a beginner writer. Seriously not kidding, mate. The logline needs some help but I'll get to that when I post my detailed review later on in the day.

Dan

It's okay to feel nervous Curt.  Just breathe, haha.

So Dirk already mentioned the logline.  35 words or less and you're in the clear.

You don't want to use "we" in action lines.  "We see" or "we hear" is redundant since it's the things being seen or heard is already on the screen, we already see and/or hear it.

I suggest naming your characters off the bat.  As a matter of fact, I would scrap those first two lines and start right off the bat with Remy.  You want your first page to launch without a moments notice and any roundabout can sort of take away from the impact.

Personally, I really don't see the purpose of using a FOCUS ON in action lines.  If you write it in the action lines, we can see it and if it's something as small as handing holding, I know that you've zoomed our attention on it for a reason.  It's just my opinion but I wouldn't use it as tricks like FOCUS ON sorta take me out of the story and make me realize that I'm reading a script.

So after reading the first page, I see a problem with your writing.  The way you write is really tellling as opposed to showing.  I know that writers like to tell their stories in certain ways but I strongly recommending letting go of things like slow motion.  You also never want to mention "scene" in your action lines.  Focus on the story and making it flow smoothly rather than concerning yourself with how it will be filmed.

SAME TIME should be CONTINUOUS.

Hopefully I'll get to the rest of the script.  Just wanted to drop off a few pointers in the meantime.  The writing is not bad, it just needs to get into the screenwriting groove.  Best of luck Curt.  Definitely not a bad start.

@Dan -- Wow, thanks Dan!  It's my first spec attempt, so I am very happy you like what you see so far, wow so nervous, haha!  And thanks I look forward to more thoughts on this!

@John -- I am breathing, I am trying not to be nervous.  I mean, it's normal to feel nervous.  This is my first proper screenwriting thing ever, so.. you get what I mean but I will take the advise and breath.

Okay, I hear you on the "we" stuff.  I think I do this through-out the screenplay, crap!  Okay, I shall take on this advice!

And although I don'y necessarily agree with cutting the first two lines, I get what you mean totally.

Aww, crap.  I didn't know whether "FOCUS ON" and stuff like that was a major no-no in scripts.  It's a bummer to me since I do it a lot throughout the screenplay!  I shall consider this.

Thanks for these pointers!  I am glad the writing isn't bad, and thanks!  Look forward to more thoughts from you and others.

The FOCUS ON isn't a no-no.  You can use it by all means but it's just a preference of mine that a script limit it to an absolute must like any other trick (INTERCUT, POV, B.G.,).  Sometimes people go overboard with it and it just ruins the illusion that the script is trying to build.  Sorry if I made you think it was frowned upon.  It was just an opinion of mine, that's all.

On an unrelated note, I retract my statement about the first two lines.  I would axe the first and last sentence of that passage.

Of course it's okay to be nervous. it means you care!

@John -- Oh, well, okay.  I see where you stand, and why some wouldn't be a particular fan of it.  I think if more people comment upon it, and it becomes an issue being brought up, then I might consider revising.

And about fixing the first passage, I think removing the first and last sentences could possibly help.  I think it works fine, but maybe.   Thanks for the input, I appreciate it!

@Dirk -- Well yay, that's good!  Thanks for the confirmation, Dirk.

Hey Curt,

I got about 12 pages into this one before I put it down. There's no doubt about it... For a beginner writer you're already showing some signs of promise. However, I don't think you're quite there yet. Definitely better than a lot of the crap we get from newbies, but at the end of the day, the writing does affect the read and it's ultimately the reason I put this down.

I think you have a nice little premise going (not that I really got into it) and I'd love to come back here and read the re-write when you do it. With improved writing skills I'd definitely finish it. One of your main concerns should be selling the concept in a way that makes people think "Wow! I've got to read this!". That's where your logline comes in...

At the moment, the logline just doesn't cut it. For starters the last bit of the logline is completely irrelevant... "Thus beginning a story of love, loss, happiness, but most of all - utter craziness - in this coming of age story." - No. We just don't need it. That's the sort of thing you read on the back of a DVD box, not in a logline. No place for it there.

Then there's the way that the logline reads, which is unfortunately rather awkwardly. Try not to mention character's names in a logline, with the exception of characters that you know people are going to recognize (i.e. Batman or Mahatma Gandhi).

Loglines are all about introducing the main premise which you've managed to do, but you've worded it so awkwardly that it took a while to properly understand what you were on about. Here's how I'd rewrite it...

"After being framed for murder, a small town girl is forced to flee town with her sick boyfriend." - Try and include something ironic in there as well. One could argue that the "sick boyfriend" is the ironic factor to the story but I'm not too sure on that.

As I said above, it was essentially the way you write that pulled me out of this one. You fall victim to telling us things rather than showing us. As well as that, you include detail that we really don't need to know about and it gets annoying. Additionally the camera directions and shots are not up to you. That's for the director to decide, not the writer. Your job is to tell the story in a fast way.

At the start of the script, introduce the BOY and GIRL by their proper name. You spend extra space introducing the characters even though they're the same characters-- just referring to them by different names. This adds extra length to your script that you simply don't need. In the long run, that stuff matters. Don't hide the identity of characters unless you absolutely have to.

Page 1: "Earnest to a fault at times." - Stick to things that an audience can see or hear. Describing her personality is redundant. You need to show this in the way she behaves. It's the same with your description of Dylan.

Page 1: "It's only now though, that we realiz this scene is moving at a less fast pace than usual... SLOW MOTION." - First classic rookie mistake from you, here. Don't ever refer to your reader as "we..." -It's redundant. This could easily be written as a small note:

(NOTE: The following scene is in slow motion)

-That's how I'd do it. There will be other writers who have better suggestions.

PAge 1: "THE SCREEN is engulfed in pure WHITE." - A simple "FADE TO WHITE" transition will do the trick over here.

Page 2: "INT. GYM - SAME TIME" - Instead of "SAME TIME" you'd be much better using "CONTINUOUS".

PAge 2: "The gym is packed with teenage school pupils." - Capitalize "Pupils". Even extras are characters and should also be introduced in CAPS.

Page 2: "Boys are in tacky suits for what is blatantly a "007- been-there, done-that" type of prom." - Huh? Is this your way of saying the suit is traditional?? A;ways try and relate to your readers. Write in a way that they can all understand. I honestly have no idea what you're trying to describe here...

Page 2: "Strictly non-alcoholic stuff. Or so the teachers think." - Another thing that the audience can't see. Stick to to main points.

Page 2: "A GIRL stands in a dress by the table." - Just say this instead...

"REMY stands in a dress by the table." - Don't waste time re-introducing a character we have already met. It adds unnecessary length. It's the same with Dylan in the next paragraph.

Page 3: Watch the punctuation at the end of dialogue lines.

Page 4: "Dylan doesn't buy it." - Show us that he doesn't buy it, don't tell us. For example he could raise his eyebrows and roll his eyes. He could snort with sarcastic laughter. Remember you've gotta give the people reading your script something VISUAL. How is an actor supposed to act "He doesn't buy it". It's much easier just to say "Dylan snorts with sarcastic laughter." That way the audience can interpret what he means rather than just have you TELL them.

Page 6: "Dylan is wearing a festive Reindeer sweater, so bad it's almost cute." - Conserver space wherever possible. Above is an example of passive writing. Typically, when the verb ends in "ing" it isn't needed. The above sentenced could be written as this...

"Dylan wears..." - Less writing, same point delivered. In the long run, these things do matter.

Page 7: "Eight-four" - should be "Eighty-four".

Page 8: "He says "Wow" in a way that could only mean "Jesus, that Turkey was disgusting."" - You're telling us too much. You shouldn't have to explain what he means. His dialogue should be enough to hint it.

Page 9: "But then suddenly..." - Don't ever start a sentence with "But...". Not only does it break an English grammar rule, but when it's included in screenwriting it very often very isn't necessary. For example, "But then suddenly..." could easily be written as "Suddenly...". Keep it short and sweet.

Page 9: "REMY and DYLAN are sitting in a living room." - Passive. Try this...

"Remy and Dylan sit on a large sofa."

-Additionally, don't re-state information that is already provided in the slug. For example, your slug tells us that we're in the living room so is there really a need to repeat it in the narrative? It may seem like a pathetic nit-pick at the moment, but this is the sort of thing that screenplay analysts pick up on and they will mark you down on it.

- Double additionally, why do you CAP characters every now and then but then not on other occasions? Characters only need to be in CAPS once... and that is when they are introduced for the first time. Never again.

Page 10: "It's faker than a Pam Anderson boob-job." - I got a good chuckle from this. You're very good at setting the tone with your writing. It's very entertaining. Just a quick tip with this, though. Consider the intended mood of the entire script. While writing jokes in the narrative isn't a BAD thing, I urge you to be cautious. This kind of writing is usually more partial to comedy screenplays than it is for Drama. With writing Drama, you want people to remember your Dramatic moments, not the time where you made a boob-job in the narrative. Using comedic writing a Drama script sets up a false tone. We get more of a comedic tone from the writing then a tone of depression and desperation. Tone is important. Does that make sense or are you scratching your head? Don't be afraid to ask to explain further.

After that, I was out. The scene with Tori in the restaurant felt more like a comedy scene. No, I'm not a sick bastard who gets thrills outta watching people get dumped on their birthdays... Seriously I'm not, you've just written it in a melodramatic way which had me giggling. Whenever someone uses the word "storms" I always get this image of what a small toddler might do when they don't get their way. It completely ruins the mood. Sorry.

Look this isn't bad. You've got a nice little idea. The dialogue needs a quick touch-up in places but overall it seems solid. I'm increasingly impressed that you're only a beginner writer. While it's still riddled with issues, you have done yourself a very good job. Fix those issues, get this one re-written and then email me and tell me it's done. I WANT to finish this... Just the writing gets in the way.

Congrats on finishing a feature-length by yourself. It's something I've yet to do by myself and I applaud you (clap-clap).

Good job. Looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Dan

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey I don't know though what happened with the log-line.  I went over it before submitting and I am sure it wasn't all clunky like that, probably an error or something?

Yeah, that is pretty awful.

Welcome to the boards -- nice to see new guys getting involved.

As such, please PM me what you want the logline to actually say and I will fix it up for you.

Query: is this supposed to be a drama or a comedy?  Because I read the first seven pages and it reads very much like it wants to be a comedy as opposed to a drama.

I will read some more later and give my thoughts later.  One brief note:  You reference the Grinch and Jim "Carey".  It's actually Jim Carrey.  That's a stupid nitpick.

Your writing style is interesting and very mature for someone just starting out.  I'll be interested in reading more!

Gary

@Dan -- I am glad you got that far in, and happy you understood I am a beginner to spec-writing.   I am taking all your comments on board, and will begin rewriting right away, 'cause I agree with nearly everything you said in your review.  Thanks so much, REALLY appreciated!

@Hawkeye -- the genre is "DRAMEDY", the screenplay contains a blend of drama and comedy.  And I'll be sure to fix the mispelled surname when I get home. Jim would not approve!  Haha.

And happy to see what you think of it!  I am glad everyone's not tearing it too shreds at least

-- Curt

Curt,

I got to page 4, and the only reason I continued from page 3 is because your dialogue was above average.  It's written how people actually talk, for the most part.  Well done.

A few notes:

• Don't start the script with something that sounds like a line from Forrest Gump.  Just say, "Life is an adventure.  A really big adventure."  And you don't need to say, "I know this from personal experience."  We know it's from personal experience.
  
  
• Once you're 18 you're no longer considered a BOY or GIRL.  MAN and WOMAN, are more accurate.
  
  
• The orange rusty chains aren't important.  Or if they are, I didn't get to that point in the script.  It's a wasted line and it doesn't do anything for the story.  Remove it.
  
  
• To say the school is, "Modern looking", and "Fresh looking" is redundant to say that is what the school looks like.  Notice the redundancy?
  
  
• "Gym building" sounds weird.  Just say, "Gym".
  
  
• Just say, "A floral banner hangs above the entrance."
  
  
• Ah, this is my favorite line, "Teenage school pupils".  Uh... do you mean, "Students"?
  
  
• "Current main-stream" = modern
  
  
• You don't need to capitalize TEEN GIRL twice.
  
  
• We already know that Remy is standing next to the drink table.  You don't need to tell us again when she sees a BOY approaching.
  
  
• Several lines of good dialogue.  Well done.
  
  
• What are, "two medium sized bottles of EMPTY vodka"?  Is Empty a type of vodka?  This is written awkwardly.
  
  

I didn't continue reading because I have a very short attention span.  I need to be hooked right away and if I'm not, I'm gone.

I would suggest that you write a couple shorts in order to hone your skills, but since you already wrote a feature, take in all the advice you get, and learn from your mistakes.

As always, these are just my thoughts.  There is absolutely no absolute way of writing.

Welcome to the club.

Jordan

I do like the story.  It's a very mature and delicate them.  Very nice to see a younger writer doing something like this instead of a zombie script or some other horror movie fanfic piece.

Your writing can be much tighter.  One mistake you make regularly is how you introduce a character:

Quoted Text A GIRL and a BOY sit on a swing. The sky is a glorious deepshade of red. Night is closing in. The girl we see is -- REMY ADAMS (20) -- Bubbly, beautiful and sweet. An American small-town girl to the bone. Earnest to a fault at times. She’s smiling at the boy across in the opposite swing. His hands are holding onto the orange, rusty chains. This is -- DYLAN REBER (21) -- A short-haired, handsome bloke. Not quite jock, but not a nerd either. Consider him a sexysomewhere-in-between mix. Just right.

could be better written as:

Quoted Text REMY ADAMS (20) and DYLAN REBER sit in adjacent park swings, against a bright red dusk sky.  She is the all-American girl; he is cute in a boy band sort of way.

Saying things like:  A MAN enters the room.  He is DOCTOR CHARLIE is a waste of space.  Just write DOCTOR CHARLIE enters the room.  All this extra wording does is make the script needlessly longer.  Looking at what I've read so far, I'm guessing you could trim this script by twenty pages.  And that makes a big difference to a script reader.

Try to avoid director shots and WE SEE's.  We don't see anything; we are not there.  And don't include a title card.  That's the director's job.

Several times, you used unfilmable descriptions:

Quoted Text Then in rushes VICKIE MEXTON (mid 30’s) -- a control freak who only likes things done her way. She knows she’s hated by Remy, but she doesn’t care. In Vickie’s hands are TWO COASTERS.

You need to describe things that can be recorded by the camera.  When you introduced Vickie, you gave us a complete breakdown of her personality and her relationship with Remy.  If I was watching this, I would only see a woman rushing in with coasters.  If there is bad blood between Vicki and Remny, you need to show this to us, not tell us.

I thought Doctor Charlie's explanation of cancer--while necessary--was too friggin' long.  We have a doughy-looking doctor talking for about forty seconds, which is way too long.  Try to cut it down to a third or a quarter the length.

Why does everyone think that going to law school makes people experts in crime scene investigation?

On page 23, Vicky refers to her fiance's daughter?  Her fiance has a son.

I'm going to keep reading this and get back to you with the rest.


Phil

Phil and Jordan, thanks very much for the constructive feedback.

I already have Final Draft open, and am in the midst of editing and rewriting, I have already learned so much.  Thanks so much guys, really means a lot.

And on page 23, Vicky refers to her fiance's daughter is correct.  Remy is Dave's daughter.  Dylan is Bree's son.  

Sounds very interesting, I'll give this a read shortly.

Thanks Leegion   Look forward to your thoughts!

Seen you on the boards of late, so I thought I'd take a quick look at this.

As far as I know, your OVER BLACK: isn't a transition, so belong son the left hand side of the page.

First slug: generally stick to DAY or NIGHT.

As far as character descriptions go, a lot gets said on what to say and what not to say. If it's one of your key characters, then go for a little extra in the way of description - something that sums them up. Here, you've said 'earnest to a fault'. I'm not sure it nails her character in one go  it leaves it a little vague to my mind - but's something you can play around with.

p.1
"She’s smiling at the boy across in the opposite swing." - This is a very horrible sentence and requires intervention.

'She smiles at - ' blah, blah, and describe him - we know he is on the swing, because instead of going 'A BOY etc' in your first line, you did things different - see? And such is the art of trimming.

(BEAT)
You probably want to know how it
ends.
-- Nope. Only if. Since we know nothing of the aventure. You have to entice us in with something, and if you have to say something like this, then there's something going awry.

Check:
http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/He%27s-Just-Not-That-Into-You.html
http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/500-Days-of-Summer.html
for how they develop the story interest with the use of V.O.

Okay, so I got to page three. But, like some of the reviewers have said, this script feels like you've packed enough for a three-week holiday when you're going for an over-night stay.

It's a good bash for starting out, but it should be pretty clear reading everything on the board on where to go from here.

Good luck with it.

The problems I listed earlier run through out the script, which isn't the worst thing to say.  These formatting problems are fairly easy to solve.

My big concern deals with the story.  And, honestly, I think you should take the murder out of it.  This is a love story, more than anything else.  Two 'kids' in love, only one of them is dying.  And their running off means that they spend more time together, as long as Dylan is alive.  Everything else is fluff.

The relationship between Remy and Dylan is in a weird grey zone.  If you step to the left, it's a straightforward dramatic piece.  If you step the other way, you havge Raising Arizona.  Pick one!  Personally, I would go with Raising Arizona.  Kick everything up a notch or two.  Be a little surreal with your characters and their stories.

FWIW, I thought Casey was extremely unrealistic.  Having a waitress agree to take in two strangers is plot device theater.  Having the pharmacist give out free painkillers to someone who looks like he's in withdrawal is also unrealistic.  Allowing Remy's family to stay in the house during the investigation is also unrealistic; no one should be in that house!

As I said earlier, I think this is a very mature story for someone your age.  And you did a good job in telling it.  But now it's time to cut away everything that isn't needed.  Strip it down to bare-bones and tell us a love story.

Hope this helps.


Phil

CURT!!

How are ya? So I see your script is up here.

I didn't read reviews so if I repeat anything... my apologies

Page 1

Your OVER BLACK needs to be on the left.

I like your presentation on the 1st page, in other words it's not 8 lines clumped together, making it unbearable to read.
So at that point, you know what your doing.

As for the actual writing :

A GIRL and a BOY sit on a swing.  The sky is a glorious deep
shade of red.  Night is closing in.  The girl we see is --
REMY ADAMS (20) -- Bubbly, beautiful and sweet.  An American
small-town girl to the bone.  Earnest to a fault at times.
She’s smiling at the boy across in the opposite swing.  His
hands are holding onto the orange, rusty chains.  This is --
DYLAN REBER (21) -- A short-haired, handsome bloke.  Not
quite jock, but not a nerd either.  Consider him a sexysomewhere-in-between mix.  Just right.

It's a nice setting, but you're mentioning the same people twice and over writing it..  in other words, why not start off naming the boy and girl and lose the opening sentence.

Lose the "we see" and "we realize"

You could write

SLOW MOTION

I think Gym is necessary not gym building and I don't know what fresh-looking is?

Page 2

You really like your FOCUS ON

TEEN GIRL then arrives at a HORNY BOY in a bad vomit-green
tux, it’s then that we leave her and..

This reads awkward and again lose the "we"

And I read forward to page 12 and so far I believe I have 9 or 10 characters which is a lot to keep track of as well as your slug times...

It's probably been pointed out, but a lot of actions are of what we can't see on screen:

Something terrible has happened.

We can’t really hear anything.

And a few  are over written:

PULL BACK -- the hospital is dull.  TINSEL hangs on the
walls.  A tacky and feeble effort to brighten the place up
for the season.  It actually makes the place look worse

Tinsel hangs from the hospital walls to brighten the otherwise, dull surroundings.

Just an example.

By the way, I have also had a few laughs so far.

Upto page 14 and I realize you've used every technical instruction possible..

Over black, Slow Motion, focus on, the screen is engulfed in pure white, title card, we cue, pan down, super, pull back, fade to black,  and now cue series of shots...

Maybe you're trying a little too hard to be fancy.

Had to stop at page 15, not because it's bad, it's more because i'm tired(late night at work)

I will read it all over the next few days.

So far, i'm actually enjoying the storyline, there's a lot of jumping back and forth, but the outline is pretty clear.

Should be interesting to see where the relationship goes from here.

I would suggest cutting down on the characters and lose some the technical jargon, especially all on the first 14 pages.

Curt, I am impressed by your writing and i'm sure the grammar has being pointed out from previous feedbacks, so i'll concentrate on the story and give you feedback on it when i'm finished.

Mark

Thanks everyone for the pointers, between school and work, I am trying my best to rewrite this to the best of my ability.  Excited to have a third, better draft for this. . Thanks to everyone, it means a lot guys

-- Curt

I'm on page 20 it's pretty good so far, I really like the idea of Remy telling the story as it goes on V.O. Your character development was good too, seriously everyone talks very natural and how a teenager would talk.

I'm going to read more later, I'm really enjoying it so far.

There are a couple of misspelled words like instead of stairs you wrote stares.

I hope you read more of mine hhehehe.

CURT!!!

page 14
Dylan who is lying in bed hooked up to a machine... passive writing

Dylan lies in bed

page 15

- DYLAN lying in a different room as a female nurse draws
blood samples from his arms.

Dylan lies

REMY watches from behind a glass window as this happens to
her boyfriend.  

Just ... REMY watches on from behind a glass window.. we already know it's her boyfriend

-- DYLAN is in bed, DR. CHARLIE is addressing him.

Charlie addresses him

INT.  REMY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

INT.  REMY’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

When you go from room to room in a house, I like to use mini slugs, for example

INT. REMY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Living room

Remy stands up.
REMY
I’m ‘gonna go shower guys and then
head back to the hospital.  Tori,
would you give me a ride?
TORI
Not a problem.
Remy “smiles”, and walks out into --

Hallway

-- the hallway.  She goes for the stairs.  KATE approaches
from the other end of the hallway.

REMY
(Attempting enthusiasm)... Attempts
REMY
(Failing enthusiasm)... Fails

Curt, just watch out for the passive writing... I learned that lesson myself

She climbs the rest of the stares. .. stairs

ANGLE ON REMY.  
As she passes by the CAMERA, in a swooshing motion -- more technical instructions and I'm only at page 20.

Wow, your script just took a huge turn and i'm glad, cuz it was starting to get a little monotonous..
Nice job

Russ and Tori stand on the sidewalk with their two friends as
an old GREY-HOUND pulls up by the street and stops... you might want to say BUS here, otherwise it's a dog and that wouldn't make much sense

- INSIDE THE GREY-HOUND is almost empty. ... EWWW poor dog

Through the glass, we see
Russ and Tori wave good-bye as the bus pulls away... lose the we see

page 34

There lucky day.... Their

page 40

CASEY (CONT’D)
She’s hilarious  ... I think you mean Dylan here

page 41

Back in Dylan and Remy’s small town, night was arrived... night has arrived... also does the town not have a name.

page 42

Nurses pass us.  Doctors rushing to and from places.  It’s
almost as if one of their Leukemia patients hadn’t have went
on the run with his innocent murder-suspect better half.

Reads awkward, you could clean this up

page 44

We hear the FAINT sound of a toilet-flush, and a door opens... lose the "we hear"

page 49

ok, I think i'm onto the 4th series of shots..

page 68

Jesus, she’s killing me here Russ.  
Anymore of it and I swear you’re
going to see the Hover Dam rush out
of my eyes.  ... Hoover Dam

page 75

But then...
FLASH TO --
A FLASH BACK... flashing to a flash back, that's a new one

page 76

INT.  CITY-EDGE INN MOTEL - MOTEL ROOM... Motel room is not a time of day, I guess you mean SAME here

page 85

One officer, PRESCOTT, nods.  And walks towards a pay-phone.... wow the cops have  a pretty shitty form of communication

page 86

After this, he glance at the WALL. .. glances

Ok Curt I finished it as promised..

It turned out to be an emotional rollercoaster... with Dylan slowly fading away trying to capture his last moments with his true love.
I really enjoyed it, except for the anti climax ending to which Vicki gave herself up all too easy after being a complete bitch throughout.

How did Dylan know Remy was in Casey's apartment?... they had just been thrown out into the streets and he took off.

This was a great script and held me til the end, I thought the dialogue was excellant. But you had way to many camera angles for a spec script.

Good job Curt'


Mark

Hey Curt.

It's becoming very clear to me that I'm not going to get the time to read your script all in one setting, and I didn't want to keep putting you on the backburner anymore, so I'll read this in the biggest chunks that I can.

I got the first act done tonight, exactly on page 30.

Though it definitely needs a lot of work, (Dan and Phil and others gave you some great examples on how to cut down on your novel-like descriptions and actions), I do like the story and I am very interested to see where our two protagonists go from here.

But, on the other hand, I'm just not buying Vickie's frame up.  It's way too easy for the story.  Don't forget, Vickie'll still have the blood on her hands (she's the one who threw Remy the vase for crying out loud), and she'll most definitely have more blood on her than Remy will.  You definitely need to work the frame-up better to get people to buy into it.  That moment changed the pace and tone of the movie and it was too big of a jarring jump.  Now it feels like a Coen brothers movie.  (I think Phil mentioned 'Raising Arizona', but 'The Man Who Wasn't There' and 'Fargo' jumped into my head first because of the subject of framed murder.)

I also don't like Tori and Russ, either.  They're not bringing much to the table and are very unlikable.  Tori's weird (and very long) tantrum in the restaurant didn't sit well and Russ was just kind of a boring goof.  They're just not adding much and this story can be told without them.  I'd suggest either fixing them up or cutting them out altogether.

But like I said, I do want to know what happens next and that's your main goal as a writer to to make the reader keep reading.  With everybody's advice about how to cut down on your descriptions and your actions, you'll end up with a very decent first act in no time.

And, just for the record, you're way ahead of the curve, so don't let all the people who checked out of the story early bother you.  You're on the right track by trying to get better and everything'll come to you without you even knowing it.

Hope you're doing good, Curt, and I'll be cracking open Act 2 as I get the time.

- Mark

To everyone who is continuing to read this, and who has read this since my last comment, thanks so much.

With work and school and other things at the moment, I hardly find time work working on this and editing it and making it the best it can be.  I will get there though, hopefully a revised version is posted before the end of March when I jet off to the land of where Apples are la'big.

As for the story, the murder and the framing, I think I will edit this and fix everything but keep the story the same.  I didn't post this here to get it produced or anything like that, I simply wrote this because I wanted to see could I manage an original feature/and learn some more.

Mark, thanks very much for getting through it all, despite it's many flaws.  All the errors you pointed out shall be handy when I sit down to have a heavy edit/rewrite session.

And Mark (um, wait two Marks?!  I shall call the above Mark, "American Mark" -- Mark, thanks for getting through the first act.  Glad you're liking the story.  I understand all your comments and criticisms and shall take them onboard.  Again, I don't think I'll be making any changes to the story, maybe later down the line I will if I ever want to get serious about this.

Thanks everyone for the support!

-- Curt

Hey Curt, I just found your script now.  You have been posting excellent, helpful feedback since you started and deserve all the feedback you can get, yourself.  This is exactly how SS is supposed to work.

I've read through the feedback quickly.  Sounds like I might as well wait for you to make some changes.  When you repost, I'll jump in and see if I can help as well.

Picking this up from page 30 this morning, Curt.

-  It makes no sense the police would know Remy went to the hospital, but then not know where Remy's family is, especially when the murder happened at one of Remy's family members house.  Remy's family would lead them to the hospital, so they'd already know where they are.

- Also, I'll say real quick before I get back to the story.  Way too many camera directions.  Keep them out and just tell enough to get the story across.  We don't need to know that the camera PANS or TRACKS.  That's all shooting script talk.  This is supposed to be a spec script.

-  Another thing you're doing that's pulling me out of the story is making way too many references to other TV shows and films.  For instance, on page 41, a description reads:

'It’s like something right out of “CSI.”

That's a big no-no!  You want to keep people in the spell of the story.  When you make references and asides to the reader, you're reminding us that we're READING a script, instead of LIVING the lives of two people on the run.  Just stick to the story and the main action.

-  Wow, you're trying to fit every camera and editing direction you can in this script, aren't you?  Keep in mind.  Just tell the story.  If and when it comes time for filming, THEN make these suggestions to the director (if he lets you.)  Remember, keep us in the spell.  Technical garbage takes us out of the read.

(That being said, there is a time and a place for PRE-LAPS, as I've used them myself, but it's not a necessity in this story.  Especially since it hasn't been utilized in the previous 40-some pages anyway.)

-  All right.  I love carnivals.  But even I just barely skimmed pages 45-50.  The carnival doesn't push the story forward at all.  We don't learn anything new, except that Remy likes dolphins.  If that's really important, I'm sure you can say it without taking up 5 whole pages of story.

I know it's fun to go on our own little personal adventures in scripts, but try to always keep the story moving.  It's at a total standstill right now.

-  I thought Remy and Dylan were going to call their parents the next day, then all of a sudden it's four days later.  That seems like an important scene to skip over.

-  And you end a scene with this little tidbit:

'ON VICKIE -- she sighs.  Thinking she’s still getting away
with it.  Stuck in her own little reality world.'

I know how this one ends now.  :-)  Remember, not only are you using camera directions to take us out of the story, but you're also telling us how the story ends, also.  You have a SPOILER in the middle of your own story!

-  I don't find it believable that Casey just let them go, and then didn't even go to the police.  Casey needs some brushing up character-wise also.

-

Welp, I was able to make it to page 64 today.  I know it sounds like a lot of negative stuff I brought up during my read, but the good news is that I'm still interested in where this story's going to go, and I'll be reading more as time permits.

- Mark

All right.  Back to it now... finally.  :-)

Not quite sure I like the doctor coming out of nowhere and visiting.  Sounds like he's trying to make a move on her.

Pg. 74  -  The whole Rhonda scene reads very weird and just doesn't seem right.

And now the father's having a heart attack out of nowhere?  I think the story's starting to get too muddled with too many things going on.  I think you're trying to pull too many heart-strings at once and it's taking away from the power of the main storyline.  (Plus, I notice he's all magically better in a couple of pages anyway.  That bit seems kind of pointless.)

Pg. 83-  Throughout the whole story, the balance of the piece is off.  One minute it's romantic cheesy comedy, then it's heavy drama, then it's suspense murder, then it's drama again, and now it's turning into a raunchy buddy buddy road trip movie with Russ and Tori.  'Hell yes!  ... Let's do this shit!'  They just heard they're friend's doing horrible and they get excited about a road trip?  The tone shifts have been just too jarring throughout the whole story.

Pg. 88 -  Ah?  They have to go look for Remy?  I thought Russ and Tori already knew Remy was coming home today?  Why don't they just go back to her house and meet her there?

All right, I'm forced to stop here at page 100 before I can finish the rest.  Talk to you soon.

- Mark

Pg. 105  -  How would a random nurse who we've never met before know who Vicki is to know she's already on the other side of the hospital?

Pg. 106  -  So the vase was examined for prints.  Wouldn't Vicki's be on it, too?  A lot more needs to be added to come off as believable.



Not a bad ending.  Like I said, a lot of things going on here are a little too outrageous to believe for a drama, but there are elements here to make a very decent little film once all the fat is chewed out of it and the writing is scaled down from novel-like to more like a screenplay.

Tori and Russ I still never connected with and thought they were kind of a waste of space.

I did really like Remy and Dylan, though, so you built their character nicely.  I even liked Casey, too, although her character was a bit uneven and could also use some work.

The police, (Detective Maxwell and them), definately need brushed up.  They do a lot of things that are pretty impossible to buy.

You got a pretty good start here and the core of a decent story, Curt.  I'll be more than happy to check it out again after your clean-up and changes.  Hopefully some of what I brought up will help you out some.

Not a bad attempt here.  It seems you have the passion for good story-telling.  Like I said, I can't wait to keep an eye on your future works.

- Mark

Hi Curt,
great to see a fellow writer from Northern Ireland on here.
ive read the first few pages and will get into it more very soon.
wont give any thoughts until i read more

-Gavin

Hi Curt,

Ive finally finished it and apologise its taken so long for feedback.

Im not gonna contemplate on grammar/spelling/format too much as I'm sure its all been mentioned above, although I haven't read all the comments.

The story itself is very well crafted, you are a talented writer and have obviously thought long and hard about the intricacies of this script. The characters felt real and for me that is one of the most important aspects of any spec.

The dialogue for the most part was believable however I did feel that sometimes you were trying just a little too hard to be quirky. Kids of this age are not always gonna be able to converse in this way, but in general I think you did a decent job.
Its effective and consistent with the tone of the piece and I like your ability to demonstrate moments of comedic respite, although again i believe some of the humour is a little forced in certain situations. I do love the cheeseburger without the cheese line.

I think the script was a little too meaty and overwritten at times. Maybe you're thinking TOO much about what we see on the screen instead of moving the story forwards through your writing. Do you know what i mean? If you omit camera angles, trimmed down the action lines and even cut some possibly unnecessary scenes, I think you really have something here.

The ending was never really gonna be a surprise but the way that you orchestrate and deliver it is very admirable and again it proves you have a real talent. i loved the way you tie it altogether. Although I must say I didn't believe the set-up with Vickie's sudden sense of guilt after Dylan simply asks her to confess..

There were quite a few errors, which like I've said Im sure have been mentioned and Im sure you've picked up on during rewrites etc..

its obvious you read a lot of scripts and the way you write is quite casual, which is good don't get me wrong, but I would encourage you to find YOUR voice. Sometimes your descriptions were a little too casual and flimsy for a spec. I hope you know what I mean by that. Its difficult to hit the nail on the head I know.

Overall, i think the writing is good. The story is good and for the most part the characters are good. If this is indeed your first feature then I think you can be quite happy with yourself. if you cut it down but keep the heart and the message of the story alive then its a thumbs up for me.

Good luck on the rewrites mate

-Gavin