1000 Shots by Ronald Beasley - Drama - 1000 Shots is the story of three siblings who try everything from prostitution to dealing drugs to embarking on a Bonnie and Clyde style robbery spree in order to make money and keep the house they inherited. 103 pages - pdf, format

NOTES on 1000 SHOTS

PAGE 2

FAYE, 19, has just taken a shot of heroin. It’s not her
first, and probably not her first that day. Her face shows
her being raised from the tedious pain of Hell to the bliss
of Heaven.


Above is an example of way too much tell. If you want the viewer to know it isn't her first or first that day then you have to figure out a way of showing it. For example, with her taking heroin before you can show track marks on her arm.... with it not being her first that day you could show a used needle next to her. That's if that is important... which it isn't. The track marks on her arm is enough.

If you do this again in your script I won't point it out. Just be aware of it from the above example... ask yourself... is that sentence filmable?


Similes are also a no-no. This is not a book, this is a set of images. It's probably the hardest thing us writers need to shake off. I know because I've been through it -- still going through it. When writing prose we get to show off our vocabulary, write about horse manure and make it sound interesting. With a screenplay it is all about the story. No room to cover weak plot lines with great writing. You have to give it up... and I probably won't be the last person to tell you this. It's a hard thing to get right.



The air conditioner starts
blowing and she smiles with relief.


In the above you write 'starts' which is again prose-like. In a script the event is happening right now, it is there in front of us. So, rather than 'he starts to run', you write... he runs...
Again, I won't point any more of these out.


She’s not
super attractive, but not bad looking either.

Also be aware of overwriting... saying the same thing twice like the sentence above. Not super attractive already implies not bad looking. Again, I won't point any more of these out. Just be aware of over writing.


Another rule of screenwriting that you appear to be breaking is the come in late get out early rule. Your scenes are drawn out and difficult to get through. I'm on page 9 at the moment and am finding it hard going. Just get to the point of the scene and get out. I'm actually skipping past most of the dialogue.

I decided to skip through and read certain parts of the play from here on out and it doesn't seem very realistically written to me. For example, the following block of action:

Tyler raises the gun so everyone can see it.
TYLER
Nobody move. This is a robbery!
The bartender sighs and
facepalms
.
LIZ
Tyler!
A few of the bar patrons brace themselves. They are not
afraid.
Liz grabs the gun from Tyler and gestures for the bartender
to come over.
BARTENDER
You guys made a big mistake.
LIZ
Look, just give us your money and
we’ll go.
A bar PATRON pulls his own pistol and points it at them. Liz
reciprocates.
BARTENDER
Alright everybody, let’s calm down.
Liz points her gun at the bartender.
Tyler ducks as the
firefight
begins. The bar patron and Liz
fire at each other. The bartender pulls his gun and fires.
Everyone is shooting and being shot at. Tyler grabs the gun
from Liz’s corpse.



Is poorly written and unrealistic. We should stick to what we know. Write to your strengths otherwise your inexperience will manifest in unrealistic scenes like the one above.

You write well, I just think the subject matter is a little out of your depth on this occasion. But  this is just one script of many, you will probably write a few scripts before you get it right. You should definitely keep trying though, you have a good voice and you write well. I hope you don't get offended by these comments.

You lost me on page 4 or 5.  Rework this.  I like the concept, the dialogue needs to be better.