Quoted Text Over all, I like this. It’s gritty, dark and pretty fuckeng raw. I for one have never tasted dog s***… But I was dared once to. Instead, I opted for the tampon teabag. I should’ve gone with the dog shite…

Ha! The age old question: the tampon or the dog shit? If I had a nickel...

Quoted Text I’m at page 27 and you’re gonna hate me for saying this. You could almost start this story off when him and Agony and use through those flashback’s the story about his youth peppered about the story. Almost like you are doing now but not even start with him young at all. Start him off in the hospital, waking up and then piece his youth and the situations in as it goes from there. Told you, you’d hate me. Just kidding on the hate vibe. I guess it’s because this is where the story really hooks me and pulls me in. The first part is great, but the chemistry you have right off the bat between Agony and Early is tight.

I don't hate you. CUT TO: Me throwing you through a plate glass door ala Happy Gilmore... haha just kidding. You answer your doubts for me later in the critique.

Quoted Text Taaabbbaaaattthhhiiiaaaaaa Ha! I loved that.

If it gets produced, I'm hoping that catches on, haha. I thought about having his safe word being Kelly Clarkson

Quoted Text It’s still his birthday? I thought that was a while back, while he was in the hospital. I might have missed something.

It all takes place in one day/night.

Quoted Text AGONY So how come you’re not out gallivanting like the rest of these rapscallions?

It was her feigning a civilized tone to the dialogue. I can see how it may not fit her character.

Quoted Text On page 47, Winston is at a strip bar. Is he out of prison? Or was this supposed to be a flashback?

Yeah, he's out of prison. There's a scene earlier where Early looks for him at a porn shop.

Quoted Text I liked this a lot.   I’ll get more notes over to you when I have some more time. Take care brother. I’m glad to see your work getting so much well deserved attention.

Thanks dude, appreciate it. Your notes are a big help -- every bit of criticism that has been offered up to this point is very helpful. I know it takes time to read a feature, so thanks to all for sacrificing

-- Michael

Thanks, Lee for taking the time to read and comment, appreciate it. Got a lot on my plate and a few other scripts to check out, but I will eventually get to Outbreak Z when I get the chance.

Your notes were extremely helpful, especially with the typos... you just saved me a lot of time! But either way, I still have to comb through the whole thing again.

Quoted Text Page 45 - Agony dialogue has NUMBERS referencing 18.  Not a problem for me, I have just been told dialogue usually neglects numbers.

I should have just spelled it out in the dialogue, my mistake, thanks for pointing that out. Only numbers that should be used in dialogue (according to Syd Field) are phone numbers or longer numbers. In action, it's similar to journalism rules... anything under 10 is written out... 10 and over just write the number.

Quoted Text This was... to me at least, a very disturbing tale.  I appreciate the depth you went to here and understood most things.

Yeah, not for everybody, but that's what I went with. And thanks!

Quoted Text The characters were great and developed well.  Agony and Early’s relationship was fantastic, reminded me of Leaving Las Vegas in a way, but instead of a Hooker helping a Drunk die, it was a Dominatrix and a kid who couldn’t feel pain.

Yes... I actually think it was more similar in the structure of that film. Stream of consciousness kind of feel to it.

Quoted Text This was an impressive, visual script.  A bit disturbing in some parts, but otherwise very good.

Thanks Lee, very helpful. And I WILL get to one of your scripts as soon as I can...

-- Michael

Hey Michael,

I finished this last night.  Really enjoyed it.  Wrote my notes/thoughts as I went along.  But the internet in my place fucked up yesterday and still isn't fixed, so I couldn't get online.

I'm sitting in hell... or no wait, sorry.  I think this is a school.  Yes, I'm in school.  I saved my notes onto my pendrive and planned to post my notes online during my free periods but I forgot to lift it this morning.

Will have my thoughts to you soon!  Just know, I enjoyed it.  Possibly my favourite feature I have ever read on SS.  I really hope this gets made.  It would be so amazing onscreen.  

Curt

Thanks, Curt, glad you enjoyed it as much as you did!

Looking forward to your notes...

-- Michael

Hello Michael,

I haven't read anything of yours before. Interesting logline and finally a Drama that's getting attention!

Just started reading - I haven't read any of the comments here, or I may be a little premature, as this may become clear as the script progresses, but if Tina was 30, when Early was 4, she's now 44 and pregnant? Seems odd . . .

Eoin

It's not impossible. And I don't really think it's THAT uncommon either. My stepmother had my sister when she was 43. It happens.

If you think that's odd, wait till you get further in. Because if a 44 year old pregnant woman forces you to suspend your disbelief, you're definitely not going to like this script, haha.

It's a dark, surreal drama. Kind of like a dream-like fairy tale in a way. There's plenty more that would probably make you scratch your head.

-- Michael

Well, if a 70 year old woman in India can give birth, it's certainly not impossible for a 44 year old! . . .

It wouldn't be something to make me suspend my disbelief, but given current fertility and conception rates, the higher risk of  congenital disorders etc as age rises, it's certainly not the norm. Anyway, just something I notes as I was reading .  . .

Eoin

Cool beans... all comments are appreciated, positive or negative... Carson's reviewing this tomorrow on Script Shadow so don't be afraid to rip into it

-- Michael

The phrase 'falls to tears' - is over used

I'm not really given to phrases like 'honey' - they seem too cliche to me - maybe consider  something more unique that adds a little more realism to both the characters and dialouge.

What triggers the emotionally outburst from Early at the dinner table? While I understand that he can't feel pain, he's not emotionally immature or a psycho? His parasympathetic sexual development is in tone with his physical condition, but this seems out of place, to me.

PG 16
EARLY
Why is everybody dressed up for? - What vs why?

PG 17 - I'm wondering if there is supposed to be a link between what Steven says here and the way Early's father treated him? If so, from the preceeding flashback, there is no 'link' word, that seem s to trigger this reaction.


The exchange between Early and Agony pg 23-25 conflict - less questions and aswers

A line of dialouge VO used to nicely to link scenes together.

PG 34 - While Early may not be able to feel the pain of a stun gun, 10,000V will most certainly cause local muscular overload and stun or knock him out like a normal person - but I'll suspend the disbelief for the sake of effect.

but Nathan easily shakes him off.
But Early keeps ? forward. PG 49

Too many mental patient references! - each character should have their own take on Early's appeance in tone with their character - maybe Melinda calls him Greys Anatomy becauce she watches the show?

There's a big shift in direction when Agony now becomes the focus of the story. The story doesn't really live up to the logline when the small B story, Agony's past, is suddenly shifted into focus.

What happens to Early and his need to connect? Stake Goal Urgency

The dialouge seems, to me, to focus too heavily on questions asked by Early followed by answers from Agony. . .

Storywise - I think the two separate threads, Winston and Agony need to be pulled together. At times, I'm divided on Winston's arc - doesn't really add anything to advance the story, but I see the need for a resolution for this character. If, he was connected to Agony and her past in some way, it could lend to some interesting conflict?

Someone had to save Winston and this again brings us back to the water for a climax.

PG 70 - Chinatown eat your heart out.

This is definitely a very interesting read - would prob make for a great indie hit, if it was shot correctly.

Maybe the ending should hang on a knife edge - is Early dead or not!? The tone of this screams for an ending like that in my opinion and would certainly be a hook for a producer and a talking point about the film.

Overall, I found this enjoyable.

Best of luck with the Scriptshadow review.

Kind regards,

Eoin

Hey Eoin,

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, man. Appreciate it.

Quoted Text The phrase 'falls to tears' - is over used

Yeah, I went through in a more recent draft and mixed it up a bit.

Quoted Text What triggers the emotionally outburst from Early at the dinner table? While I understand that he can't feel pain, he's not emotionally immature or a psycho? His parasympathetic sexual development is in tone with his physical condition, but this seems out of place, to me.

I did a lot of research on this disease and disorders similar to it. What intrigued me was the pattern of erratic behavior - emotional instability. Common in a lot of cases. Just the slightest feeling of discomfort and irritation (mentally) can set them off at any given moment. Sure, the way they are raised is a contributing factor, but in a lot of cases, behavior can be an issue. Physically, during adolescence, development is a bit different from the way most people develop - a lot of the times, it's due to self mutilation. Other times, it's just due to lack of exercise - the body seems to be misshapen in a few cases. But around adulthood, the body's development become more normal.

And Early's birthday isn't a great day for him. His mother died giving birth to him. His father tried to drown Early (resenting him for his mother's death) and then committed suicide in front of him. Now his adopted father is dying, meanwhile, Tina is pregnant - a lot of stuff to think about on your 18th birthday. He questions his purpose and in a way resents himself - he takes a bulk of the blame. And the sight of the birthday cake, along with everything else, triggers a sudden rage. Erratic.

Quoted Text PG 17 - I'm wondering if there is supposed to be a link between what Steven says here and the way Early's father treated him? If so, from the preceeding flashback, there is no 'link' word, that seem s to trigger this reaction.

It's a very subtle link. Didn't want to be too obvious.

Quoted Text The exchange between Early and Agony pg 23-25 conflict - less questions and answers.

Early grew up sheltered, so he's naturally curious. You know how a 5 year old will ask you questions constantly? That's what this is. He's never really fully developed socially. And now that he is engaging with another person that is not his adopted parents, he lets the questions fly. And he's being asked questions back - this excites him. He comes across odd, which kind of makes Agony curious. She's not exactly normal either. She's not fully developed socially either, but in a different way. A childhood filled with sexual abuse, she wasn't allowed to be a child, so now that she is away from that, that curious child in her kind of comes out.

Quoted Text Too many mental patient references! - each character should have their own take on Early's appeance in tone with their character - maybe Melinda calls him Greys Anatomy becauce she watches the show?

It was kind of a gag, really. Like in Forest Gump - Are you stupid or something?

Quoted Text The dialouge seems, to me, to focus too heavily on questions asked by Early followed by answers from Agony...

Again, Early's curiosity... imagine being sheltered all of your life and then being introduced to this world... I'd be asking questions.

Quoted Text Storywise - I think the two separate threads, Winston and Agony need to be pulled together. At times, I'm divided on Winston's arc - doesn't really add anything to advance the story, but I see the need for a resolution for this character. If, he was connected to Agony and her past in some way, it could lend to some interesting conflict?

I thought about this often, but it just felt too... neat. Too... easy. Something like that would feel expected and too paint-by-the-numbers IMO. I thought of a dozen different ways to connect Winston to Agony... but I kept getting the sense that it would be too perfect that way.

Quoted Text Maybe the ending should hang on a knife edge - is Early dead or not!? The tone of this screams for an ending like that in my opinion and would certainly be a hook for a producer and a talking point about the film.

Yeah... I like endings like that, but lately, it seems to be happening a lot in things I see, TV and film... you have the Sopranos, which I thought was brilliant at the time... but then kind of the same thing with Sideways... The Wrestler... the list goes on. Yeah, maybe it would be a hook for a producer, but then again, maybe not. May as well keep it honest with the vision I had.

And the version that was recommended to Script Shadow was completely different... Agony dies in that version, which I thought made for a more provocative ending.

Thanks again for your thoughts, all of your suggestions will be taken into consideration. Glad you enjoyed it!

-- Michael

Hey Michael,

Good luck with the upcoming Scriptshadow review – thought I’d seen the script on the SS portal. Hopefully it will lead on to bigger things.

Best of luck with it, mate.

Steve

Thanks Steve (a lot of Steve's and Mike's on here haha)... got a lot of friends down there in Oz, much respect!

Quoted from CoopBazinga Good luck with the upcoming Scriptshadow review

I was hoping to have my comments up before Carson puts his up. I'm on page 46, but I'm not 100% sure I can finish today. I did notice this on the ScriptShadow review today though,  

"What I learned: Flashbacks are tough. There are certain things they can add – like giving us key backstory on a character, but what you lose through using them is often more than what you gain. The biggest downside to their use is that they slow your story to a crawl. The reason this is an issue is that the vast majority of scripts out there move too slow. To STOP the story so you can GO BACKWARDS is basically like saying to your audience, “You can go to sleep now.” I’m not saying you should never use flashbacks. What I’m saying is that because they usually do more bad than good, you should seriously weigh your options before including them and make sure you believe that there’s no other way to tell your story.".

I hope he won't mind you having quite a few flshbacks in yours...  

I know, I read the review for After Earth and a panic hit me like a bucket of water... from people who know Carson well, it's likely that he'll bring that up... whether he perceives them as a negative in this story is up in the air... he probably will, but we'll see.

The version on script shadow has a different ending than the one posted here (the original ending) but I made sure to clean up a lot of things, get rid of all the orphans, etc.

I did notice a typo on the first page, which we all know is NOT good... but the rest seems to be pretty clean.

Crossing my fingers... and thank you, Pia, for taking the time to read as far as you have, totally understandable if you can't get to it...

-- Michael

I am on page 50 now, so we'll see.  

I saw your comment earlier about the ending being different at ScriptShadow than the one posted here so I downloaded the one Carson will review. My comments will maybe not make sense to some people here that have read your script, but that would be the reason.