Morphine by Michael Joseph Kospiah - Drama - A sheltered teen who can't feel pain lives vicariously through a dominatrix on the night of his 18th birthday.  94 pages - pdf, format

I really hope the writer shows up.

If the writer is around, I suggest you check in. It lets people know this isn't a drop off.  

I'm about a third of the way through this and it's good

Really well written, great formatting, natural dialog.

It's good.

I don't reconize the name, but then a lot of new writers are around that I don't know to much about.

I suggest some peeps give this a look.

Shawn.....><

Hi Ledbetter! I'm trying to get on here a little more often now that I FINALLY have more down time. I was a lot more active when I first found out about this site five, six years ago. One of my feature length scripts "The Suicide Theory" was discovered on this site and is now in post production.

But I've been checking out a few scripts and will be around to comment the next few weeks or so until my next project commences. Thanks for reading, hope you continue to enjoy the story man.

Actually,

I went back and took a look at your participation history here and it seems you've been a member here for years and almost every single of your 52 comments have been soley on your scripts alone.

Even recently,

The only threads you're on are yours...

Man I hate to say it, but you're really a poster child for how not to participate on this board.

I'm not trying to be mean but you've been a member for 5 plus years now...

...and other than one or two post, you haven’t done anything for anyone who has bothered to take the time to do you the favor of commenting on your work.

I digress...

Read some of the others work here

Then I might have an interest in yours again.

Sorry!

That's just the way this site works, man.

Shawn.....><

Sorry dude, I didn't mean to offend you or anybody else on this site. Websites like Zoetrope and Triggerstreet require you to critique scripts in order to receive critiques for your own scripts. This one doesn't.

It's been a while since anyone has asked me to reciprocate comments on this site, which, if a writer were to do, I would gladly give their script a read and comment.

As much as I enjoy feedback, I understand why some of my work hasn't received many comments on this site, which is fine with me. I mostly thought this was a site to showcase your script, and if people choose to comment, that's fine, if not, that's fine too. I know many film directors and indie producers who will come to this site to scout scripts. I myself have looked around this site to help film maker friends find some material, as well as Triggerstreet and zoetrope.

I've read scripts on here that I haven't commented on, either because there all ready is loads of feedback and spoilers in previous comments or because I see a lot of flame wars going on.

I'll definitely make a more conscious effort to read AND comment on more posts other than my own. Especially with more free time. Juggling a 9-5 and then doing writer for hire gigs afterward along with working on my own original material, it can wear on you and become time-limiting.

Once again, I apologize for offending you, dude, I"ll make an effort to participate more. But if it's a problem, I can request anything I've posted on here to be taken down. Last thing I want to do is start some kind of cyber war and have every body on the internet hate me.

Sorry again.

I apperciate your honesty man.

You didn't offend me btw...

This is a site where we all want to see our scripts filled with reviews.

Good and not so good, but it's nice when something you work on is noticed by those you consider your equals.

I'm not saying that the reason your scripts havent been getting much attention is because they're bad, because that's not true.

the reasonis because you need to be seen doing what others are doing for you. reading and offering comments.

You've had some excellent feedback on all the scripts you've posted here.

But if you are a no=show on the read/comment front then you simply wont get much traction here.

So in a way, this site is like every sight out there that is reader based...

give and recieve...

Take care brother

Shawn.....><

I read this last night.  Finished it in about an hour and a half.  Kept my interest all the way through.  I'd say the strongest point is the writing--word choices you use.  It is professional and it's not too wordy at any spot.  If anything, I would have liked a longer 2nd act, the scenes/relationship between Early and Agony are original and interesting.  

While reading this, I could picture every scene--a testament to the quality writing, and at times I thought this reminded me of a 90's B movie Cinemax late nighter, and at other times I thought "this is a great indie concept that hasn't been done before."  Maybe with a great director and DP attached, the finished product would represent more of the latter.

Re: Plot.   It was overloaded with so much death, perversity, and immorality, by the 3rd act, none of it was really shocking, even though you continue to up the stakes.  We get desensitized to all the chaos from early on in the story that the climax and conclusion leaves us indifferent.  Which is strange, because the main character Early does seem to make a change by the end, where he feels more than ever, yet I feel less for the characters by the end because the violence has been so typical through out the story.

Anyway hope this makes sense, this was my first review.  Good luck with this.  Really loved the concept between Early and Agony and if you change anything, hope you expand on their exchanges/relationship.

Pretty solid.  I'm about 40 pages in.  Well written for sure.  I love the name, Early.  Great first few pages.  Really sets up the character and what he's going through.  You can already get an idea of his angst towards the people around him and the isolation he feels.    

I like the dialogue, minus a few lines that could be trimmed a bit  

I'm not too sure about the Winston character.  I mean, I'm only 40 pages along so he might be fleshed out a bit more.  It just feels out of place.  Like the story doesn't need it, but again, I could be totally wrong.  

I'll keep reading some more when I get a chance.  I'm curious as to where it goes.

So far so good though.
  

@ Gabby

Thanks for taking out the time to read Morphine, I'm glad it held your interest.

Quoted Text at times I thought this reminded me of a 90's B movie Cinemax late nighter, and at other times I thought "this is a great indie concept that hasn't been done before."  Maybe with a great director and DP attached, the finished product would represent more of the latter.

I was a huge fan of that 80s and 90s B Movie movement. I tend to infuse that type of flare into my stories without making it cheesy. Hopefully, I accomplished that somewhat WHILE accomplishing the latter comment as well.

@ Gabby

Quoted Text Re: Plot.   It was overloaded with so much death, perversity, and immorality, by the 3rd act, none of it was really shocking, even though you continue to up the stakes.  We get desensitized to all the chaos from early on in the story that the climax and conclusion leaves us indifferent.  Which is strange, because the main character Early does seem to make a change by the end, where he feels more than ever, yet I feel less for the characters by the end because the violence has been so typical through out the story.

It is a violent story for sure. At times, perhaps its gratuitous even, but I hope none of it seemed forced. I agree there was chaos early on (the opening scene) but with the exception of one other brief scene, the violence doesn't really escalate until the second half of the story.

And there are immoral and flawed characters all around, yes, and some of it is perverse (especially the final Chinatown reveal) but it IS the world of S&M and the character is a dominatrix. It's not going to be clean, but at the same time, I wouldn't necessarily call that sub-culture entirely perverse. That's just me though, maybe I'm into different things, lol.

Any way, I agree with you on expanding the relationship between Early and Agony, I enjoyed writing that second act and the scenes where it is just them together. I think its a great chemistry they kind of build, and it's a different kind of chemistry.

And I'll see how I can make the audience care more about Early's character arch at the conclusion of the film. My goal wasn't to shock with the violence (with the exception of two of the deaths), but at the same time, I don't want to completely desensitize them either.

You're right, the only violence in the first half is the opening scene and the gas station double kill.  I think my reaction stemmed from every character getting killed off.  I'm gonna be harsh because you are a good writer and know it, and as a writer myself I'd appreciate an honest reaction.  Did the Stepdad really need to be smothered?  It wasn't central to the story in the sense that we didn't care much because it was already a given he was going to die eventually of illness  The Stepmom being killed off was excessive too.  Though, the way you alternated scenes during that sequence was really captivating.

It became silly and in the realm of "okay let's make this shocking" at the scene in Chinatown.  The whole incest/abuse angle was intended for effect, definitely.  But would it really go down like that?  I don't know.  It became cartoonish at that point.  Although clever use  for Early using his gift to slip out of the handcuffs.  A bit of a payoff.

I emphasized the strength in this story are the 2 characters Early and Agonybecause you could pretty much scrap everything and still build a completely different arc around them.  The settings you described were very visual and aesthetically pleasing, keep that.  

To spitball...scale it back on the deaths.  I would let Winston live.  Much more intriguing to let him live in his predictable misery.  It's weird that you had closure on the Stepdad, yet not Agony's daughter, who was moral central to the story.  What happened to her?

You raise some very good questions, Gabby, I'll definitely go back and consider your suggestions in rewrites. My intention with smothering the step dad was to make it appear as a mercy kill - he's in great physical pain, but if he were to receive the news that his wife was dead, the pain would be worse than any physical pain he could ever feel.

I felt that the whole incest/rape thing helped to answer why Agony was the way she was.

Letting Winston live is an interesting angle I'll definitely consider. I agree that the strength is the chemistry between Early and Agony and will see what I can do to build on that.

As for closure with Agony's daughter, I originally figured that since the Daddy character is dead, and in a way, also the fact that Agony is dead also, that she was free from that world in a way. I do agree that I should find a better way to bring closure to that character.

Thanks Gabby, your feedback definitely helps.

Yeah, the only character most of the audience can relate to is the daughter.  Someone just having f'ed up tragedy in their life.  So to end it with Early seeking her out, and friending her would be kind of cliche, but if there were some kind of exchange that was funny, it would be a good conclusion.

A revised 2nd draft will be up soon.

Hey man,
Great story you got here. Love the dominatrix angle. Smart. Otherwise, it reads so quick. A testament to your use of action and dialogue. Let the dialogue tell us about our characters, which is great. Good luck with this one. If you ever get a chance direct me to some more stuff you've done. Would love to read some more of your stuff!
Regards,
Steve

Thanks Steve, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's a dark, surreal piece, but the draft that was previously posted was even darker, so I changed a few things to make the ending not seem quite as grim. In the last draft, everybody died, lol. Hopefully this draft is an improvement.

Thanks for the read, man. Don't really have anything else posted on this site recently, but check out the 30-second teaser for the feature film I wrote, The Suicide Theory (recently produced). It's featured on the simply scripts home page. Like the page on facebook!

Hi mate, I read 36 or so pages of this and although it is a quick read not enough happens to keep me interested. After reading some of the reviews I was expecting something a little more hardcore, so maybe that was a factor. The clipped sentences with afterthoughts after full stops makes the read stop and start rather than flow. There are a lot of places where you have used a full stop when you could or even should have used a comma. I understand that is your style and I can get past it, it just makes the read very impersonal, lacking voice.

I found the scene where the Dominatrix smashes him over the head with a bottle a little over the top. Just because he doesn't feel pain doesn't mean he can't be damaged. He could still get knocked out.... and having been hit over the head with a bottle myself I was concussed for three days. I didn't actually get knocked out either. You confuse not feeling pain with not taking any real damage. Smashing your own head off the table could cause more damage than just your face.

It is a very quick read and I fear that is because it is dialogue driven so may be even shorter than 90 minutes when filmed.

The dialogue flows really well and is what kept me reading so far.

Thanks for giving it a go, Dustin. The script isn't exactly plot driven, it's more of a character piece.

As for my writing style, I see what you're saying. I've been through many phases as a writer, some of my earlier work is more purpley prosy. And I've written for producers who prefer that style. I've also written for producers who prefer a more straight forward approach -- a script is a blue print for a film.

And after reading a ton of scripts, produced and unproduced, and receiving feedback on many of my own works, I feel the straight forward style (lacking prose) is more effective in allowing the reader/audience to visualize the story using their own judgment. I don't like telling the reader HOW they should visualize something, but more of the straight forward approach - WHAT they are visualizing.

To me, written description and action is like an offensive lineman in American football... the less you notice them (or hear their names in football), the better. I feel the focus should be on the story and characters. Not that I'm against great description writing, because I'm not. And I admire those who do write great, vivid description, but that's just my approach/philosophy.

You say it's a quick read, and though there is some scenes that are more dialogue driven, part of the reason I feel that it's such a quick read is because my descriptions and action blocks aren't prosy as some other scripts.

As for the clipped sentences, I use the periods rather than commas to simulate BEATS in the action. Though a comma may represent a BEAT, a period represents a longer beat, and I feel it helps to dictate what we're seeing and when we're seeing it. The periods, in a way, represent camera shots and when the camera shot shifts to and focuses to another object or reaction.

And when the dominatrix smashes the bottle over his head... sure, it may be a little over the top, but I pictured this film (and wrote it) as a surreal experience. In films, how many times to do you see someone get smashed with a bottle and keep on keeping on? It's a film, and I was going for the surreal Indie feel.

And with this disease, the person with the disease, can't feel pain. They can't feel irritation -- which means in a lot of cases, they can't cough or sneeze because coughing and sneezing are reactions to irritation. Also, someone with this disease (in a lot of cases) can't feel the urge to urinate. So the effects from a concussion wouldn't be as intense. He takes damage, and perhaps he should feel woozy, but there is not that feeling of nausea that some victims of concussions may feel. If he were to get knocked out, he would just get knocked out. There wouldn't be any lingering warning signs. There may be a moment of wooziness, but the unconsciousness would almost immediately occur.

Thanks again for the read Dustin, sorry it didn't hold your interest, but thanks for reading as far as you did and offering your opinion. Always appreciated, and I'll keep a lot of what you mentioned in mind.

Yeah it's a different context when a guy gets hit during a fight. This woman understands pain so she above all should know how dangerous it can be. Hitting someone over the head could cause brain damage, even kill them in the right circumstances. I get that she's a dominatrix and that this is a surreal piece I just feel that she hitting him with the bottle turns it into comedy as it is such a nonsensical thing to do. It spoiled the mood for me and was honestly what lifted me out of the story. I started looking for other holes, skipped to the end and didn't really get the feel that I would be interested in what came in between. A part of me feels this would be better as a short, especially as it is a surreal piece.

I commend you on an original piece of work though. And perhaps, that is what I don't like about it. You can't please 'em all.

To me, written description and action is like an offensive lineman in American football... the less you notice them (or hear their names in football), the better. I feel the focus should be on the story and characters. Not that I'm against great description writing, because I'm not. And I admire those who do write great, vivid description, but that's just my approach/philosophy.

Totally agree. Action is important because film is visual but way too much emphasis is put on it when it comes to reading.

Personally, I love the clipped sentence style. Reminds me a lot of Tony Gilroy, who I believes writes the most efficient action out there.

I really like your action sequences. Quick and to the point.

Yeah, I really like Tony Gilroy's style as well. Most produced scripts I read use similar methods to writing action these days. I'd breeze through those scripts in 45 minutes without even noticing it, so I kind of adapted that style of writing.

Thanks Insider901, any thoughts on the script? It seems to be a love it or hate it at this point, definitely not for everybody. But hey, it's very original IMO.

It seems that my point has been missed. I'm pretty sure I didn't mention anything about better description or anything of the like.

I pointed out that there are places where he should have used a comma over a full stop, purely because it makes the read stutter and ruins flow. A comma, reads faster than. a. full. stop. Particularly when he uses one-word sentences that could easily be attached onto another sentence with a comma. I just think it's taken too far in places.

Here's an excerpt from Michael Clayton. Now, this is just an example, I'm not saying I'm anywhere near the writer he is, but there is plenty of parts where a comma "should" be used. And I've noticed this more and more in produced screenplays over the years.

INT. THE MERCEDES -- NIGHT

MICHAEL driving. Escaping. Running from more than Mr. Greer and Jerry Dante. More than just a bad night boiling behind his eyes. Driving hard and wild. Turning suddenly and --

EXT. WESTCHESTER COUNTRY ROAD -- NIGHT

THE MERCEDES racing along.

INT. THE MERCEDES -- NIGHT/PRE-DAWN

MICHAEL -- turning again -- aimless -- windows open -- cold air whipping through -- braking suddenly -- impulsive -- turning -- suddenly -- faster now and --

EXT. NEW COUNTRY ROAD -- PRE-DAWN

First light. A smaller road. THE MERCEDES speeding past large estates tucked back in the fog and deep woods.

EXT. THE FIELD -- DAWN

A HUGE OPEN PASTURE. Surrounded by forest. The sun just starting to rise. Cold mist hanging over the whole valley. Nothing but gray and green. Stark. Perfect.  THE MERCEDES speeding toward us -- climbing around the turn -- eating up the valley road that runs along the pasture -- but suddenly the car is slowing -- braking hard and --

INT. THE MERCEDES -- DAWN

MICHAEL pulling to a stop. Staring out the window.

EXT. THE FIELD -- DAWN

MICHAEL getting out of the car. Standing there. THREE HORSES poised at the crest of the pasture. Hanging there in the fog like ghosts.

MICHAEL jumping the fence. Walking slowly into the field. Behind him, the MERCEDES with the engine running. THE HORSES aware of him now. Watching him come.

Yes, a comma does read faster, but as I've explained, some of the beats in the action/reaction (now, this is just my opinion, not saying that your way is wrong and my way is right) required a full stop rather than a just pause.

Mr. Gilroy does tend to do a few "no-nos" and other things some screenwriters often frown upon, but the clipped sentences are very common in scripts today, and reading this script (Michael Clayton), I get a clear picture of what he's describing - isn't that the point when writing description? Now, I don't agree with everything he does, he tends to write a lot of things not seen on film, but his style is effective, nonetheless.

I consider my use of them in this script to be tame compared to Mr. Gilroy's use of them in scripts such as Michael Clayton and the Bourne films.

Whether or not someone liked my story, the one consistent positive I've received is that it is a very fast read. And yes, there are some dialogue driven scenes which do speed up the pace, but I feel my style of writing action is also a reason why it's such a fast read.

However, I do respect your opinion Dustin. Each writer has their own style of writing and each reader has their own preferences of what they like/dislike about one's writing style.

Yeah... my post was in response to being misunderstood. I wasn't trying to push the point that either of us are wrong. I certainly understand where you are coming from. I tend to use the double dash myself a lot now... and those are what I'd use, rather than a comma, for an aside -- or an addition to a sentence already well structured.

I like those no-no's. They help make us individual and they also help us communicate with the readers.

You also may not be as well known as Mr Clayton, but you certainly write just as well. I found no issue with your writing aside from that little comma thing.

I also don't mind everyone dying. Perfect arcs. My favourite because they're just so easy.

Quoted Text You also may not be as well known as Mr Clayton, but you certainly write just as well. I found no issue with your writing aside from that little comma thing.

Wow, thanks dude, one of the best compliments I've ever received. Hopefully, I keep improving and it takes me somewhere one day (sooner than later hopefully).

Quoted Text I also don't mind everyone dying. Perfect arcs. My favourite because they're just so easy.

Haha, it is a perfect arc. They start out the story alive. And how do they change by the time the story ends? They die.

Gave this a read. Very interesting stuff. Obviously, it's a very dark subject and most of the characters are extremely flawed. I had not heard of this condition until a couple of years ago when i watched "The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest."

Anyway, I think the use of your flashbacks was good, the there one that I thought was bordering on too long but i don't remember the page number.

You write dialogue very well, and as we discussed, your Tony Gilroy style of action is my personal favorite. Makes scripts much easier to read.

Sorry, got kicked off line.
This script really started to get my attention in the scene with Agony and Darko. It’s good, messed up, and funny, all in one.
Pg 28: I thought you got a little long winded on the dialogue when Agony saks Early if he’s a psycho murdered or something. I think you could eliminate a couple lines there and that scene would flow very well.
Pg 52: Thought you did the same thing when Agony was trying to call Melinda. I think you can delete the first three lines of dialogue and open with Agony’s line, “Melinda, it’s me.”
Pg 55: Really interesting visual when you think about Melinda watching Agony, and bringing home this boy who is wearing a gown and bleeding. Good stuff.
Pg 61: Excellent transition from one scene to another. You also did a great job of this on the end of Pg 74.
Pg 71: As well as you write dialogue, I thought Daddy’s explanation about how he wasn’t dead really got into some serious exposition. Then again, not sure what to recommend here. You use a lot of flashbacks, have more coming at the end, so not sure one here would help.
This dialogue didn’t seem to be on par with the rest of your script.
Obviously, the payoff for Early’s condition is how he slips the cuffs. Very well done. Only thing I can think of like it is when Mel Gibson dislocates his own shoulder in lethal Weapon 2.
Probably would’ve liked to see someone live at the end. &#61514;
Must say,  really good story. Very quick read.

The realtiosnhip between Agony and Early is fascinating considering his condition and her occupation. Would've liked to have seen them end up together.

Thanks for the feedback, insider 901, it's much appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed the story despite how dark it was.

I'm glad you caught some things I had suspicions about. That scene with Agony and Early (the one where you suggested the dialogue to be cut down) is an example. I'm actually having a reading at this theater spot in NYC, and those first two scenes with Agony and Early are the excerpts from the script I chose (more actor friendly because it's heavier on the dialogue). And to meet the 10 page limit, I actually did cut down on some blocks of dialogue and realized it actually read better that way. Thanks for confirming that that spot needed some tinkering, I'm glad I changed it

And I agree with Daddy's dialogue being too expository, I'll definitely tone that part down a little bit.

In the first draft, I actually had EVERYBODY dying. Literally. So in this draft, I decided to keep his mother Tina alive. Though not entirely redeeming, I feel it gives the protag (Early) more hope, though Agony getting killed off was a little bit heartbreaking.

Thanks again for the read, glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for the notes as well. I will definitely consider your suggestions in future drafts.

If you have any work posted on here, I'd be more than happy to give it a look see.

Honestly, I see no reason why you can't get this made. It's not for everyone but it really is good. It'd try to lighten up some of the ending but those are pretty minor changes.

Yeah, this script will be tough to market. It's not exactly a high concept, plot driven story, though the thought of someone who can't feel pain, becoming somewhat obsessed with pain and sitting in with a dominatrix to experience pain vicariously, at least to me, is interesting. And I think the main character wearing a blood-covered hospital gown literally through the whole story is a striking visual (eg. the scorpion jacket in "Drive", the garbage bag in "Silver Lining Playbook", etc.)

I'm big into Indie film and much of what I write is intended for an Indie audience. I feel the story is quite original, which may also make it a tough sell (along with its dark nature). The story needs some tweaking indeed, but I feel it would make a very strong Indie pic with strong characters and original relationships between characters never before seen on film.

It's hard to get any kind of film made, so this will indeed be a challenge. It will take the right kind of director. But hey, I did get one of my Indie feature scripts filmed, and it was equally as dark as Morphine. We'll see what happens. But first things first... rewrites!

I'd try having Agony live. That makes it work, IMO.

What script did you get filmed? Doesn't surprise me at all. Where can I find it?

It's not released yet, still in post production. But they have a little 30-second sneak peek on the simplyscripts homepage - it's called The Suicide Theory - the script was posted here in 2008.

It should be finished in a couple months and will make its rounds in the film festival circuit.

The sneak peek doesn't really show much, but here's the link. I do have an awesome 2 minute teaser, but I'm not allowed to show anybody yet. Hopefully it's released to the public soon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PF65GifSPLw&feature=youtu.be

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Very cool. Congrats! Like I said, doesn't surprise me if Morphine is any indication.

Hey insider901, here's the official teaser trailer just released today... finally! It shows a lot more than the snippet I had posted above. It's about a minute and a half long, check it out!

TITLE: The Suicide Theory
LOG LINE: A suicidal man hires a professional killer to euthanize him, but for some reason, miraculously survives each attempt on his life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEBcsdGRvRo

Become a fan on facebook!

And if you haven't all ready, check out Morphine. It's definitely indie, not for everybody, but it's original. Kind of a companion piece to The Suicide Theory.

Thanks for posting it. Very nice. Indie is definitley the route to go. Once you're in it opens up a lot of possibilities.

Did The Suicide Theory get noticed on SS? Just curious.

It did by several filmmakers, got me a lot of writing gigs, but as for this film director, I'm not really sure, he never really specified. It's possible.

Hi Spesh -

Checked out the Suicide Theory trailer - looks very professionally done...kudos!  Also read Morphine, and have been letting it sink in for the last few days.  Wanted to give you an overview of my impressions, FWIW, without doing a line by line analysis.

Very streamed lined, clean writing - it was a smooth, quick read.  As things progressed, the majority of my interest focused on Agony and Early's relationship.  I found myself pulled in, and caring where it went.  Obviously, a pairing between a dominatrix/sadist and a kid who can't feel pain has tons of potential.

Three Small details: 1) I do agree with an earlier poster that Agony got a bit too violent with one of her clients.  Cause pain and humiliation, sure.  But damage?  That's not part of the usual rules.  And yeah - I figure she wants return clients, so she'd play by the rules to some extent.  (Hey, I know what the vault in Hell's Kitchen was like.  So I know where of I speak.    )  2) Re: the scene with Early's birthday party - I was at first confused at how old he was.  And surprised that Tina didn't stop his self-injuring actions sooner.  3) At first, the early flashbacks threw me off.  I saw how they paid off as the script progressed, but at first they seemed too many - and kept pulling me out of the current-day action by jumping between time lines.

My big issue was the last act, once Agony's Dad arrived.  I'm not squeamish - trust me - but the violence, incest and general death and mayhem seemed too far over the top for me.  Violence for violence's sake.  I'm no fan of torture porn for that reason.  Blood and guts, sure.  But only with a purpose.  (I'm not saying you didn't have one...just that it FELT gratutitous to that extent.)  I'm a fan of the very ending, and the darkness of it.  Just...IMHO - something in that last act needed restructuring.  Allowing Agony to survive (maybe) - and toning down the violence a bit in favor of even more character development??

My five cents, FWIW...  But I do think this one has alot of (dark) things going for it...

Cheers,

--J

Thanks for reading!

Quoted Text Three Small details: 1) I do agree with an earlier poster that Agony got a bit too violent with one of her clients.  Cause pain and humiliation, sure.  But damage?  That's not part of the usual rules.  And yeah - I figure she wants return clients, so she'd play by the rules to some extent.

The scene you speak of is after the stun gun scene with her and Early. Now, I'm not saying that all dominatrixes have messed up pasts with incest and violence, because most of them probably do not. But she gets off on inflicting pain, though she never crosses the line by inflicting serious damage. But this scene in particular, remember, she's never had an audience. And her attraction to Early is a strange one - in a way, she envies his ability (or inability) - while she's punishing this client in particular, she knows Early is watching. She wants to put on a show for him. And she gets caught up in the violence, lost in a lustful frenzy. She even stares at Early in the closet with a seductive look while punishing the client. But she catches herself and snaps out of her little trance (this scene reflects her past and foreshadows the "gratuitous" scene with her father). She's even shocked by the damage she had caused to the client (also, it's the final dominatrix scene of the story). But I feel the scene definitely reflects something darker about her past (which is not yet revealed).

Quoted Text 2) Re: the scene with Early's birthday party - I was at first confused at how old he was.  And surprised that Tina didn't stop his self-injuring actions sooner.

The scene takes place maybe about a year or so after the lake incident where he's 4 years old. I didn't mention the age, because visually, though he's mentioned as 4 in the previous scene, we are never told how old he is. And the changes in appearance between the ages 4 and 5 are minimal, so I didn't mention that he was a year older. But perhaps I could have put 5 candles in the birthday cake or something.

And this is only the second scene. Tina doesn't know he has this "disease". He bangs his head four times - it comes out of left field, right after they sing happy birthday to him. Tina and Fred are bewildered. And Early isn't crying. He kind of wears this blank look while doing it. He shows no signs of pain until he sees the blood on his hand (that's when he cries). The shock Tina and Fred feel from this particular moment causes them to freeze (I felt a proper reaction - it's not like a car is barreling towards him, or he's standing at the ledge of a building - there is no threat leading to it. It happens suddenly.)

Quoted Text 3) At first, the early flashbacks threw me off.  I saw how they paid off as the script progressed, but at first they seemed too many - and kept pulling me out of the current-day action by jumping between time lines.

The themes of the flashbacks reflect the scenes we flashback from and transition to. Flashbacks are always tricky and, especially when there are more than three or four of them. I felt the flashbacks overall reflected one of the main themes of the script - characters struggling with their pasts. Rather than cramming a bunch of info into a couple of scenes, I spread it out in bits and pieces during the script.

Quoted Text My big issue was the last act, once Agony's Dad arrived.  I'm not squeamish - trust me - but the violence, incest and general death and mayhem seemed too far over the top for me.  Violence for violence's sake.  I'm no fan of torture porn for that reason.  Blood and guts, sure.  But only with a purpose.  (I'm not saying you didn't have one...just that it FELT gratutitous to that extent.)  I'm a fan of the very ending, and the darkness of it.  Just...IMHO - something in that last act needed restructuring.  Allowing Agony to survive (maybe) - and toning down the violence a bit in favor of even more character development??

It wasn't violence for violence sake in my mind. Think about Agony's character before that one scene with Daddy - she's obsessed with the mutilation of genitalia (she makes a few comments to Early threatening to cut off his penis - she also says she should cut off his balls and flush them down the toilet). Even during her "tender" moments, she seems like she's had some serious issues with men (she sets a stun gun to Early's genitals). She's defensive when she thinks Early thinks that she may possibly be a prostitute. She's aggressive. She's foul mouthed.

Now, she spends the story running away from her past, but in a subtle way where she herself doesn't even know it, deals with it in a way that is aggressive and violent. As for the incest, think about the dynamic between her and Early. Though she is only 3 years older than he is, Early is described as looking very young for his age. She even mentions how young he looks when they first meet - yet, she is attracted to him in a strange way, quite possibly stemming from her younger years where she was sexually abused. And though the scene where she puts a stun gun to Early's genitals comes across as romantic through his eyes, the actual act of it is quite disturbing - she's doing harm to him even though he can't feel it. In a way, she's doing what her own father did to her - she's taking something innocent and corrupting it, though her intentions are quite different.

She is opposite from Early in many ways, but in terms of running away from her past, they share that little thing in common. And both of their pasts come back to the forefront in violent ways (though a lot different). I wanted to show the contrast. She ran from her past and sadly, after all that suffering over the years, her life ends. Early ultimately, after running away from everything (never responding to Winston's letters, the mere act of leaving the hospital and not coming home) he makes the conscious decision to confront his past (Winston).

I do agree I can definitely tone down a few things in that scene alone, mostly, IMO the dialogue from Daddy. But it really does explain a lot about her - Daddy wants her to scream, but she doesn't - during her sessions, she gets off on hearing her clients scream. It even has a strange effect on Early when he's attacking Nathan (her brother), begging for him to scream.

As to your comment about toning down the violence in favor of more character development, the violence IS part of the character development. In Agony's case, it's the final part of her character arc. In Early's case, he experiences her life (walks a mile in her shoes) and her pain (psychological) and resorts to becoming a part of it for that scene, though out of necessity.

And in the way their pasts are presented shows the differences between them. In Early's case, his past is shown through flashbacks scattered throughout the script. He is running from his past, but he's not as far along as Agony. He actually ponders about his past often. He talks about it. He wonders Why?

Agony's past isn't revealed until the very end - when it's too late for her. She's been running away from it this whole time and its not until now where the reality of it hits her.

Fate is a theme explored in the film, but I try not to fall into that thing where everything neatly falls into place. I suppose when he breaks out of the cuffs, it's sort of a little pay off (wondering why he has this disease and the purpose behind it) and seemingly saves her life (those guys getting killed and the nature they got killed, I believe it was deserved) ... but she dies, kind of trumping the idea that we realize our purpose during one particular defining moment. Purpose, I feel, is something that is realized within. True purpose is not dependent on others - his existence and the purpose of his disorder wasn't solely for Agony. And I feel the very ending kind of got that across.

Like I said, the story isn't for everybody, though I think Lars Von Trier, David Lynch and David Cronenberg fans (Cronenberg's earlier stuff) would like it, and that's sort of the intended audience.

Thanks again for checking out the script! I will definitely consider your suggestions in future drafts!

Quoted from spesh2k A revised 2nd draft will be up soon.

Hey man,

You sure have doing some great reads and reviews around here brother. Also congrats on The Suicide Trailor. It looks very well done.

Have you reposted this revised script yet?

I'd love to give the new version a read when you do.

Take care man

Shawn.....><

Hey Shawn,

I'm actually working on some revisions right now. I'll probably re-submit the revised version tonight, so it should be up in a few days.

The rewrites are pretty major (I took some suggestions from these boards and consulted with some fellow colleagues/filmmaker pals, and their suggestions were consistent with the ones I've received here). It's pretty much from page 75 - the end.

Thanks in regards to "The Suicide Theory" - it feels good to get anything produced, let alone a feature. And to have it be well-crafted and professionally done to its highest quality makes it all the more gratifying. Not sure about a release date, but I'm confident it will make its rounds at some awesome film festivals (crossing my fingers for Sundance) and find distribution. But as of now, it's still in the latter stages of post (sound mixing, etc).

I've actually found it quite therapeutic to read and review a lot of the work posted here. It's easier to point out the flaws and the successes of other scripts than it is with my own work, which in turn, makes it easier to find the flaws in my own work. And it keeps me out of trouble. I've had a lot of time on my hands lately, due to some personal issues with addiction and such, thus costing me my job and what not.  I've sort of been getting by on unemployment along with selling short scripts lately.

But participating on this site has helped me during this period of detox. And as I read and comment more and more on this site, it has somehow helped to boost my own production (been writing like a madman lately).

It's a nice little community of filmmakers here, of all walks of life, aspiring and established (outside of some of the negative threads I've come across). I'm just happy and humbled to contribute in some way.

I'll keep you posted on when the revised version is up

Cheers

-- Michael

It's great to hear that you're working through those issues brother.

I can say that this site has helped several people during the downswings in their lives so you are not alone.

I, myself struggled a couple of years ago and actually left here in frustration. It wasn't this site that was the problem, it was me. Don was very gracious and emailed me asking to please be a part of the community.

To him, it may not have been much, but for me, it was the world and it gave me something to hold on to.

Your writing is great. it's no accident you found yourself here. You will succeed if you keep doing what you're doing.

With the caliber of writing you exhibit, you have no choice but to succeed.

Btw...Your Suicide Theory poster is BAD-A$$.

Shawn.....><

Thanks for the compliments, dude, appreciate it. I've been writing scripts since forever it seems like (12 years to be more accurate), and I feel I've come along way since then, but you can never stop getting better. Just trying to become the best writer I can be, improving every day.

And as the for The Suicide Theory poster, yeah, when the director first showed me the artwork, I was blown away (thank God). I'm not quite sure who did the artwork, but I'll let you know (hopefully I can get him or her some more work through other filmmakers on this site with projects in development).

I just finished a third draft, so hopefully, it will be up soon. Just re-submitted the draft.

-- Michael

The revised draft is now up (with a different ending).

Thanks for the reads and comments so far, you guys have definitely been a big help! Hopefully, I'm getting closer here...

-- Michael

Hey Michael, just finished this. I didn't read through the other comments because I didn't want it to skew my thoughts, so sorry if I'm repeating anything. One thing I think is really great about your writing style is how you reel in the reader, the opening scenes read well as they transition very smoothly into each other, it gives the script a dream-like feel and I can see how it would be effective in film. I don't have anything to say about formatting or writing style, it all reads great and I only spotted a few typos, so the fact that this is a third draft really shows and I'll stick to my thoughts on the story more than anything.

I really enjoyed the set up, my favourite scenes are the interaction between Early and Agony, especially when they first meet. I wasn't sure where this was going when it came to genre. I know it's a drama but I thought this was going to be more of a coming of age story between Agony and Early but it sort of slips into a darker thriller tone towards the end. This threw me off a bit but that's not a bad thing, I just wasn't expecting it and I can appreciate the story a lot more looking back over it now that I know where you were going with it.

The bar scene I really liked but I'm not sure if it's just me but saying the lights dim for just them kind of threw off the original vision I had of the bar, it seems a bit corny and unlikely for the dive that they are in. From what I got, the spotlight thing seems more of an aesthetic choice but I didn't feel it was necessary and it kind of took me out of the moment a bit.

Going back to the tone, things really take a turn when Nathan comes into the picture. You have a knack for writing suspense, and the scene in Agony's apartment really had me on edge and it read well. Personally, the Daddy/Nathan storyline wasn't my favourite subplot when it comes to the characters backgrounds. The scene works because it really gives Agony's character depth and reason for how she is but I thought the reasoning didn't have to be so dark and twisted. It was a lot to handle at this point, I think that something a little more simple, let's say Agony had stolen money from a previous pimp to support her child would be more effective. That's just my opinion though, I could be alone on that one.

In the climatic scene in the motel where Daddy comes into the picture, I kept forgetting that Darko was in the room until he jumps on Early's back. This is a simple fix, but I would just add a few action lines stating that he looks over or something just a bit more often to keep the reader aware of his presence. I liked how Agony was fighting to show pain, it works well in the story how you show how various characters deal with it, it reminded me a bit of Sin City when Jessica Alba is being tortured but holding back to scream.

The only other thing that I felt went a little unmentioned was the wounds that Early has towards the end here. After the motel scene, where Early shots himself through his shoulder (which I think was great by the way), he should be losing quite a bit of blood and though he can't feel it, it should be more of a concern. When Early returns home and sees Tina, there isn't really any mention of Early's wounds or at the hospital, no one seems to be checking him for medical attention and I thought that seemed a little unrealistic.

I liked how you did the ending, the final line worked well for me. Also, I was concerned you might not tie up some of the side stories, but you managed to really make everything come circle in reference to the man who hit him with the car, Tina and so on. Other than these few things, the script is pretty flawless and I could easily see this getting made. Here's a few typos I noticed:

- Page 55 (re: her look) instead of (re: he look)

- page 88 should have let you* drown instead of your

- page 90 early collapses* instead of collapse

Overall, I really liked this, it reads fast and it managed to never lose my interest. The tone was a bit shocking to me because I wasn't expecting this to get as dark and violent as it did but it never turned me off of the script. I think the story is great, the dominatrix mixing with Early's medical condition is a great idea. I liked how every character is facing a different form of pain and suffering in comparison to Early who can't feel physical pain. This is a very smartly written script, I also enjoyed the reoccurring classical music as well as the teenagers on prom night to contrast what the normal teenager is experiencing compared to Early. I believe this script is in pretty much tip top shape and I've learned a lot from it, you have a great, easy-to-read writing style. I look forward to the rest of your writing and I hope you the best of luck with this one.

- Kev

Hey Kev,

Thanks for the read, dude, appreciate it. I'm glad you enjoyed it as much as you did. It gets pretty dark later in the story... I just hope there wasn't too much of a shift in tone... I tried to set the tone in the first scene. I was going for that dream like, surreal effect.

The bar scene I really liked but I'm not sure if it's just me but saying the lights dim for just them kind of threw off the original vision I had of the bar, it seems a bit corny and unlikely for the dive that they are in. From what I got, the spotlight thing seems more of an aesthetic choice but I didn't feel it was necessary and it kind of took me out of the moment a bit.

This is more of a fantasy sequence while staying grounded in reality. I'm not sure if you've ever seen "Buffalo 66" but there's a scene with Christina Ricci that kind of comes out of nowhere where a spotlight turns, some whimsical music starts playing and she tap dances.

The spotlight turning on in the bar was used to reflect what was going on inside their heads - they felt like they were the only ones in the room/world. There wasn't an actual spotlight or anything.

In the climatic scene in the motel where Daddy comes into the picture, I kept forgetting that Darko was in the room until he jumps on Early's back. This is a simple fix, but I would just add a few action lines stating that he looks over or something just a bit more often to keep the reader aware of his presence.

Yeah, I only had a few lines - there's one where he's touching himself and another where he shuts the door. Maybe I'll add another action line or so.

The only other thing that I felt went a little unmentioned was the wounds that Early has towards the end here. After the motel scene, where Early shots himself through his shoulder (which I think was great by the way), he should be losing quite a bit of blood and though he can't feel it, it should be more of a concern. When Early returns home and sees Tina, there isn't really any mention of Early's wounds or at the hospital, no one seems to be checking him for medical attention and I thought that seemed a little unrealistic.

Yeah, I was going for the surreal feel while having the story exist in the real world. Kind of like in "Drive" where Gosling's jacket keeps getting bloodier and bloodier while nobody mentions anything.

And the scene with Tina, the focus was more on Tina, who was just attacked and is now about to give birth... plus, Early has Agony's jacket on, covering his wounds at that point.

Thanks for mentioning some of the typos, I'll get on that right away.

And thanks for your feedback. You've mentioned a lot of things that other people who've read this failed to mention, i.e. The wounds not really coming into effect later in the story (I kept waiting for somebody to mention this).

I'm glad you recognized some of the smaller things I wanted to get across... the contrast of the normal teenagers (dressed for prom) compared to Early (an odd kid)... the theme of pain and how each character deals with a different kind of pain... and recognizing how the dark, violent climactic scene explains a lot about the Agony character... and the classical music as well.

Thanks again, Kev... when you post a rewrite for Tumbleweed, let me know, I'll give it a look...

-- Michael

I'm about half way through, but outside circumstances are making it hard for me to read the whole thing.  I am thoroughly enjoying it, however, and would say it's one of the more engaging scripts I have come across on here.  I really like the writing -- good stuff.

I'll have to put it on the back burner for now but I will finish.  

Quoted Text I'm about half way through, but outside circumstances are making it hard for me to read the whole thing.  I am thoroughly enjoying it, however, and would say it's one of the more engaging scripts I have come across on here.  I really like the writing -- good stuff.

Thanks, man, glad you're enjoying it so far, appreciate the compliment. Looking forward to your feedback!

Quoted Text I'll have to put it on the back burner for now but I will finish.

Take your time, dude. I'll be around

If anybody else wants to exchange reviews or wants me to check out their script, let me know...

-- Michael

Hey Michael. Finally shook off Maryland Deathfest's very long hangover and finished up your script. Here's some notes to kick off my review (forgive the typos; this'll probably take me a while to write)...

pg. 1 - EXT. VIEW FROM A BRIDGE - Not quite a legit slug. Poor way to kick off your script. I'd change it to EXT. LAKE and insert VIEW FROM A BRIDGE after it.

- Would cut "The sun reflects off..." and place it after the first line. You can cut the following description of the sky and all that; "The sun reflects..." sort of implies that.

- EARLY (4) - Call him YOUNG EARLY perhaps?

- IN THE WATER - I found the description following this to be quite clunky. Is Early bobbing up and down? Sinking? How can he plunge into the water if he's already in the water? Somewhat confused here. I'd take a look.

Also, if we're in the water, how is Winston visible underwater? Is this Early's P.O.V. You also use the word "indiscernible. That would basically negate Winston's identity, wouldn't it? Check it out.

pg. 2 - "Candles lit." - Watch out for orphans (in this case, "lit"). There were many in this script. I think you could tighten things up considerably by eliminating them. It's simpler than you think to do so.

- "They exude warmth and kindness." - What? The candles? If so, why does this phrase have its own line? It should come after "Candles lit" (would fix your orphan up, for sure).

This was a reoccurring problem throughout. Try to base your paragraphs around "ideas" so as they're not broken up haphazardly. That doesn't mean you can't break them up at all, of course.

- You might have noticed at this point that I get nitpicky. Feel free to take me with a grain of salt; I'm not perfect myself. I just like to provide writers with thorough and robust reviews that don't gloss over anything and I'm also a huge advocator of strong formatting and language on top of that. It affects your presentation and readability, even if it's on a subconscious level, and thus is highly important.

- (re: off silence) - I have no idea what this is supposed to be.

- He'd have to do *a lot* of *hard* banging to draw blood. I don't think a smooth, presumably wood tabletop would do it this easily.

pg. 3 - The specialist should reveal that Early cannot feel pain and then go into the details as opposed to the other way around. He's probably trying not to stress or confuse these guys.

- "Is this common." - Silly question. Just have the doc say it's extremely rare without having to be asked.

pg. 4 - How can this disease affect less than one in one million people? I understand it's rare but that phrase basically says it doesn't affect anyone. I'd say one in 10 million or something.

pg. 7 - "A shy awkward type." - You can lose this; it'll manifest itself in the story accordingly.

pg. 9 - Head-banging again. See above. Those hollow elevator walls are going to be even less likely to draw blood from Early's head.

pg. 13 - I think you can cut out this opening description of Central Park. Most people know what it's like or should have an idea.

- I'm starting to have issues with the melodrama throughout the script but I'll get to that later. This scene in the hospital particularly bugs me though. It doesn't feel realistic at all. This teen girl's going to prom so she's presumably 17 or 18. I'm pretty sure she'd be able to understand how serious it is to be hit by a car. That doesn't mean she won't be upset and doesn't even mean that she won't think it's unfair or that it might have been her dad's fault or what not but her reaction is way too over the top (wishing her dad had died especially). I'd go for something slightly more subtle. I mean, the fact that she's wearing a dress explains half of it already.

Steven's reaction is equally outrageous. Again, I wouldn't expect him to be reasonable or even thinking straight but he hit a kid with his car. I can't imagine many people would react this way, let alone threaten to kill someone, unless they were completely insane.

- Early is awful nimble, running around and such, after being hit by a car. No pain perhaps but his body might not be in the best shape at this point. I'd make some sort of mention of this.

pg. 19 - I realize Early can't feel pain but he should at least understand this is a problem, especially being 18, hence I would expect him to be more careful. When someone breaks a glass, everyone notices. It's just an unmistakable sound. I'm not saying Early shouldn't cut his feet (in a crowded bar, it'd probably be difficult to spot all the glass anyway) but he should notice the glass break. At this point, it seems he walks straight into it.

pg. 22 - "I'm constipated." - Not particularly funny IMO. Not sure if it makes sense either. I mean, if this is part of the package, wouldn't he have tried to take care of this somehow? I'd just say he can't shit. But whatever. Not a big deal.

pg. 23 - Why is Agony rolling a joint in a diner? Conspicuous much. I mean, I suppose you've made no mention of how many people are in the diner, what time it is, or anything like that. But it makes me wonder. I'm guessing this isn't the diner from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

- Colossal nitpick here but does grunge even have a big patch culture? To each his own, of course, but if I ever saw anyone with Soundgarden or STP patches, it'd certainly be a first for me. Melvins maybe but me thinks it's definitely more of a metal/punk thing (Agony strikes me as metal). Of course, most script readers probably have no idea so just consider this FYI and disregard if you like.

- A peculiar conversation Early and Agony have here. It feels somewhat forced and exposition-y. I'd try to make it more natural sounding.

At this point, I realize I've taken many more notes than I expected and it's taken me quite some time to get them organized. I'll be back with more later...

CONT'D

pg. 27 - "Are you a psycho murderer or something?" - Strange response. He *just* said he had a genetic disorder.

pg. 28 - "Kinky." - Too obvious?

- I've never been a big fan of character names like OLD GUY. Even OLD MAN would've been better but even then, these sorts of names feel lazy. Someone brought up a couple months ago in some thread that you can name characters after physical attributes or items of clothing they might have. I don't think this is a bad approach. You could call this guy BLINDFOLD for example. Or better yet, you could name him after his safe word (QUASIMOTO)

- It's Quasimodo BTW.

pg. 31 - "I don't know why I even picked up my phone." - Strange line. How else is she supposed to get clients?

- I think Agony might need a little more talking into as far as hitting Early with the bottle. Pain is the least of his worries (naturally); he could get a concussion. That's a lot of repercussion Agony would have to put up with. It's also not so easy to break a bottle over someone's head; might take more than one blow.

pg. 34 - "I'm not completely sold." - Really? She just broke a bottle over someone's head.

- Again, no pain but no doubt a stun gun would lock up Early's nervous system and make him fall. He wouldn't just stand there.

Writing this, I'm actually starting to notice a lot of these kinds of inconsistencies. Just because someone doesn't feel pain doesn't mean that there won't be physical repercussions t0 what happens to their body. I'd keep this in mind.

pg. 40 - How does he say his safe word with a gag on?

- What is up with these clients anyway? They tucker out so quick. I figured they'd be down for what Agony has to offer. I mean, it's not like there isn't a business for sadomasochism.

pg. 47 - "Naked bed" implies "no sheets." No need to repeat yourself.

pg. 48 - Who the hell is the Nathan guy and why would he punch a kid in the face? A little much IMO.

pg. 52 - "You need to go home, Early!" - LOL (just saying; line is fine).

- Why wouldn't Agony explain the situation if she's going to let Early tag along?

pg. 55 - Wouldn't Melinda want to stop Early's bleeding? I mean, if she's going to complain about it, you'd think she'd want to.

- Why isn't Tina worried about where her son is?

pg. 64 - "Is he the one that's after you?" - Obviously.

pg. 78 - I take it Early's never killed anyone before yet he doesn't seem to react. I imagine he might feel sick or something.

- You use a lot of music throughout your script, both diegetic and non-diegetic. If music's playing in the background, that's fine but some readers might take issue with the non-diegetic sound. I don't but I figured I'd mention it regardless.

As it happens, I totally see where you're coming from. I write features with entire soundtracks in mind and the music I listen to whilst developing a script has a huge influence on its content. I'd include tracks myself if I didn't think it'd distract readers or turn them off.

pg. 81 - "I think... I think I need a doctor." - No shit. Silly line. I'd rephrase.

Okay. So this was sort of a strange script for me. It had many issues with it but ultimately I enjoyed it. I think the strangeness, the odyssey-like progression, and the more vulnerable moments with the characters kept me engaged. This is not usually the case.

My biggest issue was with the melodrama. I think when done right, melodrama can work really well but it needs to be logical and carefully placed. I think with a lot of scenes here, that was not the case.

Many of the earlier arguments with Early and his adoptive parents escalated to tears, screams, or things said that might be regretted seemingly with the drop of a hat. It was almost like there was dialogue missing from the scenes. Early screaming at Tina for not being his mother for example. What prompted him to say that? Arguments in real life don't start with people dropping the biggest bombs right off the bat. They escalate.

Fred flipping out in the hospital was similar. He goes from calling his son kiddo one minute to screaming why life is so short the next. Now sometimes people do keep their pain buried in their gut and it can explode at unexpected moments but this didn't feel like one of those situations; it's just awkward.

Crying should be used sparingly. It can be very powerful sometimes but it loses that power when it's used excessively. Tina cries so much within just a few pages, it was as if she does this all the time. Left Hand Paths had some issues with this as well so I'm not entirely off the hook. I'm just saying pick the moments where it's best to have emotions escalate and hold back a little otherwise so that those moments can breathe some.

Sometimes the melodrama came out in different forms e.g. Steven screaming at Early or how violent Agony's family are right off the bat. They seemed from another story pretty much. This clearly isn't supposed to be Devil's Rejects and yet Daddy and Nathan were needlessly violent. They would more intimidating if they were less in your face and sporadic and more developed (not knowing anything about them, the violent outbursts didn't quite make sense).

Some lines didn't quite come out right, sounded forced or on the nose. "Maybe if I close my eyes, I'll wake up and everything will be okay." - This is an idea that you want to communicate, not say outright. It didn't even seem like Agony was saying this to anyone in particular. Fortunately lines of this nature were minimal. Overall dialogue was okay but could be better, for sure.

My second biggest issue was that while I think you had a lot of strong themes and interesting ideas, they didn't really tie together. The second scene with Early and Steven was clunky but poignant e.g. a guy who can't feel physical pain who understands other forms of pain and can connect in a way. This hinted at an interesting theme but it just wasn't fully realized or consistent, leaving this one scene feeling incidental. That said, I do think pain is a theme here. Everyone in the story seems to feel it. But perhaps you need to get more specific and get your elements to connect a little better.

The sadomasochism theme was actually more problematic for me. Agony is in the business of pain and yet she thinks Early has a gift for not feeling it. It seems like this is the basis on which that can relate. Frankly, I think you got it all backwards. Agony's clients receive pleasure from pain (why else would they seek her out) and hence she and Early are incompatible. I thought Agony helping Early feel physical pain might be a road you'd go down. I also thought Agony might feel sorry for Early and would seek to connect with him out of sympathy as to her, it's like the equivalent of someone not being able to orgasm.

These were the ideas that made the most sense to me based on what I know about sadomasochism and it seems like you went the opposite of all that. It didn't make sense to me. I think you'll need to do some more research. Even so, I don't think the theme was capitalized on enough even if none of these issues were in place.

Finally, I liked the setup for the story with Winston but it didn't seem to go anywhere or tie into the main story. I also didn't understand how Winston would think Early was his savior only to turn on him and his family in the end. I mean, Early was four. How could he be expected to remember this guy?

Unlike the other issues, I've brought up, I actually think I might have missed something here. There seems to be some reason for this subplot lost in the ether somehow. If you'd care to explain what that is, I'm all ears. It seems like you had something specific in mind here.

All that said, I appreciated the strangeness of the story. The pacing was solid more or less. I think some readers might think Agony shows up too late but I'm not so sure. I liked Early. A very strange character indeed but truly earnest and innocent and in a weird sort of way, his history and current situation made him seem more together than the other characters in the story. I didn't quite feel the same way about agony. She seemed kind of standoffish and juvenile at times, to the point where I couldn't really buy her as a sadist with a business, but there was a lot to her. It made sense that she would be drawn to Early, even in a non-romantic way, partly for the reasons I mentioned earlier and I wanted to see both characters to find their way or at least have a moment where they were happy and relieved to have found each other.

The other characters were sort of one-dimensional. I'd give some thought as to developing them further.

So yeah. A strange, very mixed bag for me but it was interesting and I think you can certainly develop it into something strong. Hope this helps. Sorry to make you read so much and for the typos that are most certainly there.

Quoted Text pg. 1 - EXT. VIEW FROM A BRIDGE - Not quite a legit slug. Poor way to kick off your script. I'd change it to EXT. LAKE and insert VIEW FROM A BRIDGE after it.

Noted. But I've seen it a thousand times in a lot of my favorite produced scripts, but usually it's a EXT. NEW YORK CITY SKYLINE or EXT. PANORAMIC VIEW - mostly establishing shots, often the very first slug in the script.

Quoted Text - IN THE WATER - I found the description following this to be quite clunky. Is Early bobbing up and down? Sinking? How can he plunge into the water if he's already in the water? Somewhat confused here. I'd take a look.

I should have explained that he was treading water, struggling to stay afloat. And I should have said his HEAD plunges below water.

Quoted Text Also, if we're in the water, how is Winston visible underwater? Is this Early's P.O.V. You also use the word "indiscernible. That would basically negate Winston's identity, wouldn't it? Check it out.

This is what I had...

Early plunges below dark water. Back up to blinding sunlight.

The bridge above: WINSTON leans over the ledge. Waves his arms. Merely a silhouette. His identity indiscernible.

Early goes under. Emerges to see Winston dive into the lake.

Early dips under again. Into darkness.

Yeah, this is from Early's POV, but I didn't write POV. Thanks for pointing that out. But before Winston jumps into the lake from the bridge, his identity indiscernible, I do mention that Early comes back up to blinding sunlight, a line before the Winston action line.

I write Winston's name from the bat because I have a lot of flashbacks, and I didn't want the reader to get confused - a lot of folks who read scripts don't read it in one sitting and often lose track of things.  

Quoted Text pg. 2 - "Candles lit." - Watch out for orphans (in this case, "lit"). There were many in this script. I think you could tighten things up considerably by eliminating them. It's simpler than you think to do so.

Ah, yes, the orphans. I do have this a bit in the script in both dialogue and action descriptions... will address that in the next draft.

Quoted Text - He'd have to do *a lot* of *hard* banging to draw blood. I don't think a smooth, presumably wood tabletop would do it this easily.

I used to do this as a kid (so my parents tell me) - not sure why, maybe for attention? I don't know. But I did bang my head so hard that I busted myself open.

Yeah, it probably would have taken longer to draw blood, but I figure I cut to the chase instead of having three minutes of the kid banging his head.

Quoted Text - I'm starting to have issues with the melodrama throughout the script but I'll get to that later. This scene in the hospital particularly bugs me though. It doesn't feel realistic at all. This teen girl's going to prom so she's presumably 17 or 18. I'm pretty sure she'd be able to understand how serious it is to be hit by a car. That doesn't mean she won't be upset and doesn't even mean that she won't think it's unfair or that it might have been her dad's fault or what not but her reaction is way too over the top (wishing her dad had died especially). I'd go for something slightly more subtle. I mean, the fact that she's wearing a dress explains half of it already.

She sure is a chip off the old block, ain't she haha? These aren't logical people. The story takes place in New York City (my home) and I've seen and heard a lot stranger from so-called normal people. They aren't thinking rationally. I'll never forget one time when I was at the hospital and some asshole was complaining about how long he's been waiting for a nurse when there was a baby dying (killed by its mother apparently) in the next room - the mood among the officers, hospital staff and other patients lingering in the hall was very somber.

And other than that, we're seeing this through Early's eyes. A lot of this melodrama is meant to show how detached Early feels, though in actuality, he's not as detached as he thinks he is. If that makes any sense.

Quoted Text Steven's reaction is equally outrageous. Again, I wouldn't expect him to be reasonable or even thinking straight but he hit a kid with his car. I can't imagine many people would react this way, let alone threaten to kill someone, unless they were completely insane.

People are selfish - him being in the hospital is an inconvenience to him, and he takes it a little too far, here. As I've mentioned, not many people would react this way... but he does.

Quoted Text - Early is awful nimble, running around and such, after being hit by a car. No pain perhaps but his body might not be in the best shape at this point. I'd make some sort of mention of this.

He does limp around for the remainder of the story... you can limp fast, can't you? I wasn't so much concerned about the logistics, though I do try to keep them in mind... but I wrote this with the intentions of making this a surreal, fairy tale type of story.

Quoted Text pg. 23 - Why is Agony rolling a joint in a diner? Conspicuous much. I mean, I suppose you've made no mention of how many people are in the diner, what time it is, or anything like that. But it makes me wonder. I'm guessing this isn't the diner from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

It's a New York City diner at night. I've done worse than roll a joint at a table. This is a city where you can order beer at a diner at 3 in the morning. I've snorted lines off a table at a diner before (my wilder days). Either or, I didn't think it was that much of a big deal. Especially with the prices of cigarettes in the city (up to 15 bucks now for a pack) a lot of people roll their own cigarettes now.

Quoted Text - A peculiar conversation Early and Agony have here. It feels somewhat forced and exposition-y. I'd try to make it more natural sounding.

I thought Agony's dialogue was more relaxed and natural than Early's... Early's dialogue isn't supposed to sound natural. He's socially deprived. I've been away from people for long periods of time, especially recently due to rehab (long story)... the second I was out in society, what normally would be a casual conversation was me ranting for 20 minutes about every single detail about my life. I was so eager and happy to talk to somebody and tell them all of these things I haven't had the opportunity to tell somebody else.

Early doesn't really know how to interact socially... everything is so matter of fact with him, though it seems unnatural and weird to others.

Quoted Text pg. 27 - "Are you a psycho murderer or something?" - Strange response. He *just* said he had a genetic disorder.

It's something she wanted to say before, but didn't... then it came out at an awkward time. Not all conversations are natural, especially with "stranger" people. It's funny how she says Early isn't exactly normal when she's far from it herself.

Quoted Text - I think Agony might need a little more talking into as far as hitting Early with the bottle. Pain is the least of his worries (naturally); he could get a concussion. That's a lot of repercussion Agony would have to put up with. It's also not so easy to break a bottle over someone's head; might take more than one blow.

It was Agony's idea. It's part of her character. She's not your typical dominatrix. She likes to hurt people, though it doesn't come off as malicious. It's how she was brought up. She comes from a family of sociopaths (as we learn later) - sure, maybe her clients get off on the pain, but she doesn't do it for them. She doesn't get off on another person's pleasure - she gets off on their pain.

But with Early, it's different - he can't feel pain obviously. So how can she get off on it if she can't hurt him (pain wise)? I try to include several underlying connotations, relating pain and sex, the pain being perverse - she actually feels something different with Early. The moment they share when she's holding a stun gun to his genitals isn't an erotic moment - sure, she's turned on, but it's not perverse. It comes from a different place.

Quoted Text pg. 34 - "I'm not completely sold." - Really? She just broke a bottle over someone's head.

She's being facetious. She wants to do more to him. During the course of the story, she has a strange obsession with mutilating male genitalia (through dialogue mostly)... related to her sexual abuse.

Quoted Text - Again, no pain but no doubt a stun gun would lock up Early's nervous system and make him fall. He wouldn't just stand there. Writing this, I'm actually starting to notice a lot of these kinds of inconsistencies. Just because someone doesn't feel pain doesn't mean that there won't be physical repercussions t0 what happens to their body. I'd keep this in mind.

Yeah, if you held a stun gun long enough, sure it would make him fall. A taser would make him fall immediately (the electrical current travels through a wire into the body)... I've held my own with a stun gun, though I did fall after a good 10 seconds... it felt like I did a thousand crunches.

There are quite a few moments where a suspension of disbelief is required, but I feel like it fits the tone of the story - the surreal, fairy tale kind of feel. But I will look into it.

Quoted Text pg. 40 - How does he say his safe word with a gag on?

The line before, he spits his gag out... it's not one of those gags that are bound tightly to his face, into his mouth.

Quoted Text pg. 55 - Wouldn't Melinda want to stop Early's bleeding? I mean, if she's going to complain about it, you'd think she'd want to.

If my roommate brought home some strange guy, covered in blood who looks like they've escaped from a mental hospital, I'd probably want him to get the fuck out of my apartment. But that's just me.

Quoted Text - Why isn't Tina worried about where her son is?

Because she thinks her son is still at the hospital.

Quoted Text Many of the earlier arguments with Early and his adoptive parents escalated to tears, screams, or things said that might be regretted seemingly with the drop of a hat. It was almost like there was dialogue missing from the scenes. Early screaming at Tina for not being his mother for example. What prompted him to say that? Arguments in real life don't start with people dropping the biggest bombs right off the bat. They escalate.

I did a lot of research on the disease and variations of the disorder - many of these kids who grow up don't quite mature emotionally in the way people like you and I would. Of course, behavioral problems or patterns are affected by how they were brought up, but even in cases where the family or support group is strong and stable, these people still struggle with their emotions. Often times, their behavior is irrational. And erratic. Some cases showed symptoms of bi polar disorder. The shooter behind the massacre in Connecticut was speculated to have symptoms of a disorder similar to Early's.

And it is Early's birthday -- his mother died at childbirth, "causing" his father to try and drown him ON the day of his birthday years later -- said father also commits suicide. Not a great day for him. There's a lot of pain there. A lot of deep-seeded resentment brought on just by the sight of the birthday cake.

Quoted Text Fred flipping out in the hospital was similar. He goes from calling his son kiddo one minute to screaming why life is so short the next. Now sometimes people do keep their pain buried in their gut and it can explode at unexpected moments but this didn't feel like one of those situations; it's just awkward.

Yeah, probably a little bit too melodramatic - but sometimes, good memories can be the most painful when we know that there won't be many more. Fred obviously hasn't accepted his fate.

Quoted Text The sadomasochism theme was actually more problematic for me. Agony is in the business of pain and yet she thinks Early has a gift for not feeling it. It seems like this is the basis on which that can relate. Frankly, I think you got it all backwards. Agony's clients receive pleasure from pain (why else would they seek her out) and hence she and Early are incompatible. I thought Agony helping Early feel physical pain might be a road you'd go down. I also thought Agony might feel sorry for Early and would seek to connect with him out of sympathy as to her, it's like the equivalent of someone not being able to orgasm.

I addressed this earlier. Helping Early feel physical pain would be impossible. She wouldn't feel sympathy for him... she's in awe of him. Almost envious due to her painful upbringing. She doesn't like pain. She likes inflicting it. And her obsession with inflicting pain comes from a dark and perverse place.

And, though I don't go into that direction (Agony helping Early feel physical pain), I do give a subtle hint (very subtle) at the very end that maybe, in fact, she has helped him in a way feel pain -- earlier in the script, Early mentions that he's never coughed or sneezed before (he wouldn't feel the irritation - this is only in the more extreme cases of the disorder) -- yet, he coughs up water.

Quoted Text Finally, I liked the setup for the story with Winston but it didn't seem to go anywhere or tie into the main story. I also didn't understand how Winston would think Early was his savior only to turn on him and his family in the end. I mean, Early was four. How could he be expected to remember this guy?

Winston was a life long criminal (I never mention this, but I imply it I think). All his life, he did things that he knew were wrong, but did them anyway. The one good thing he does is save Early, and though he ends up doing time, he sees this as his salvation. He feels enlightened. And then his life turns to shit after he is released from prison. The only redemption he's experienced in his life was saving Early. His life lacks meaning, so much so that he's obsessed with that one thing he's done good. But Early never shows any gratitude, and it kills Winston inside. And he reverts back to his old ways of thinking while under the influence.

Quoted Text Unlike the other issues, I've brought up, I actually think I might have missed something here. There seems to be some reason for this subplot lost in the ether somehow. If you'd care to explain what that is, I'm all ears. It seems like you had something specific in mind here.

A sense of purpose. The theme of fate. And the theme of the past -- each of these characters is haunted in a different way. And their pasts (Early and Agony) catch up with them in different ways (Agony's past catches up with her and she is forced to confront it... Early takes it upon himself to confront his past after the situation with Agony plays out).

It can definitely be executed better. And the story as a whole can definitely have more focus, but I purposely wanted things to have a muddled feel to it, a beautiful mess if you will. Like I mentioned when we spoke a few weeks ago, I had elements of Lars Von Trier's work in mind (at parts) as well as David Lynch.

Also, I forgot to mention it, but you said something about how Agony's family acts so violent, that it didn't make sense to you. Again, it wasn't really supposed to make sense... they're violent. They've abused Agony her whole life. This is how they are. As to why they are the way they are, that's probably best suited for another script. But they symbolize that perverse and violent side to Agony's personality. Think Dennis Hopper's role in "Blue Velvet".

Quoted Text Okay. So this was sort of a strange script for me. It had many issues with it but ultimately I enjoyed it. I think the strangeness, the odyssey-like progression, and the more vulnerable moments with the characters kept me engaged. This is not usually the case.

Glad you enjoyed it overall, James. I can't thank you enough for the notes. My rebuttals probably don't make a lot of sense as I kind of just woke up and I'm still out of it, but when I'm more mentally awake, I'll look back over your notes... your suggestions make a lot of sense, man, and I'll definitely take them into account when I get to rewrites.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k Glad you enjoyed it overall, James. I can't thank you enough for the notes. My rebuttals probably don't make a lot of sense as I kind of just woke up and I'm still out of it, but when I'm more mentally awake, I'll look back over your notes... your suggestions make a lot of sense, man, and I'll definitely take them into account when I get to rewrites.

Sounds good, man. You've clarified a few things for me somewhat. It seems like you were going for more of a heightened reality sort of angle. Fair enough. That's sometimes difficult to come across on the page as you don't have the full package of actors, images, and such. I also should've kept in mind that this is set in NYC and that you're an area native. Your nightlife is practically that of another country's coming from DC as I do. I've been to some 24-hour diners after last call, for one thing, but they don't serve beer and a joint would've fly. We're effectively less cool, for sure.

I think Agony might need to be fleshed out some more. I figured her particular brand of sadomasochism was more standard. It didn't come across that she wanted to inflict pain for the sake of pain and not pleasure and apparently that's essential to the story. I did get the sense that you wouldn't find her where you'd find the other dominatrixes; you'd have to delve further into the gutter, for sure. Still, I didn't really get that more personalized sense of darkness from her. I mean, she certainly lets the meek Early follow her around for long enough.

As for her family, I'd say the same. I totally understand the Frank Booth comparison. That character is more of an entity than a man. However in Blue Velvet, you have time to soak up his aura. Here, with Nathan and Daddy, not so much as they're in the story so briefly. It's a little more jarring, for sure.

Anyway, glad I could be of service. I'll be happy to discuss things further if you decide to elaborate a little.

Quoted Text I think Agony might need to be fleshed out some more. I figured her particular brand of sadomasochism was more standard. It didn't come across that she wanted to inflict pain for the sake of pain and not pleasure and apparently that's essential to the story. I did get the sense that you wouldn't find her where you'd find the other dominatrixes; you'd have to delve further into the gutter, for sure. Still, I didn't really get that more personalized sense of darkness from her. I mean, she certainly lets the meek Early follow her around for long enough.

Yeah, you're probably right... I was perhaps a little too subtle. I do have a lot of underlying themes that go relatively unnoticed that I'd like to solidify a little more... it's not so much that she lets Early follow her around. In a way, she wants him to. It was meant to reflect her sexual abuse... in that first scene together at the diner, she mentions how young he looks.

In a way, without bad intention, she sees something pure and corrupts it a bit by introducing him into this world. Similar to how she was abused as a child -- she was once pure and years later, is far from it. But her intent isn't malicious. There is good in her, and that good side of her is running from the world she came to know. Though we don't see much interaction between her and her daughter, she comes across as a decent mother I guess, despite her choice of profession and what that child may symbolize. Early is kind of her chance to corrupt somebody... though as the night progresses, it's Early who has the influence on her. Once there are signs of her past returning (Nathan at the bar) she becomes a child again, almost.

Her defiance and defensive nature is a product of her past. And though she corrupts Early in a way, she also sees him as a beacon. He symbolizes pureness, I suppose. At least that was the intention.

Quoted Text As for her family, I'd say the same. I totally understand the Frank Booth comparison. That character is more of an entity than a man. However in Blue Velvet, you have time to soak up his aura. Here, with Nathan and Daddy, not so much as they're in the story so briefly. It's a little more jarring, for sure.

Good point.

Quoted Text It seems like you were going for more of a heightened reality sort of angle.

Exactly. This was heavily influenced by Lynch, Von Trier, but mostly Cronenberg (I love the way he uses sex, fetishes and mutilation as a means of showing character depth -- e.g. Crash, A History of Violence, Videodrome).

Nic Refn also had some influence, but more of his visual style.

Thanks again, dude! Much appreciated!

-- Michael

Quoted from Ledbetter I digress... Read some of the others work here Then I might have an interest in yours again. Sorry! That's just the way this site works, man. Shawn.....><

So, Shawn, I am a newbie, so what would be most helpful to the forum and for my learning: 1) to read/comment on scripts when there is no comments from anyone or read/comment the ones like "Morphine" which has several feedback?
I see some scripts with zero comments and I wonder why. Is that a member who never post comments and suddenly wants you guys feedback in their work?
Thank you, Villas.
(English is not my first language and I am skeptical on making comments since I have seen people pick on any minor (or major) grammar or spelling errors. I do understand that can not happen on a script, but my comments will be criticised for this matter?)

Quoted Text So, Shawn, I am a newbie, so what would be most helpful to the forum and for my learning: 1) to read/comment on scripts when there is no comments from anyone or read/comment the ones like "Morphine" which has several feedback?

I know this is directed at Shawn, but allow me to answer your question...

I say read/comment on whatever you want, whatever script grabs your interest.

Quoted Text I see some scripts with zero comments and I wonder why. Is that a member who never post comments and suddenly wants you guys feedback in their work? Thank you, Villas.

Most likely, but it could be due to other reasons... maybe the they have a poor log line. Or maybe the script just doesn't interest anybody. Or maybe the person/writer comments, but doesn't really offer much other than a few sentences here and there commenting on the first couple of pages of a few scripts.

It's just like Shawn told me... you get what you give, and after I returned to the site, I had the pleasure of reading and commenting on several scripts, contributing to the site the best I can. And because of that (I think) I've received a lot of feedback on Morphine.

Quoted Text (English is not my first language and I am skeptical on making comments since I have seen people pick on any minor (or major) grammar or spelling errors. I do understand that can not happen on a script, but my comments will be criticised for this matter?)

I'm sure the members here will accept and appreciate your comments. Welcome to the boards, by the way.

-- Michael

Hey Villas,

Welcome to the boards man.

Michael pretty much nailed it my friend. My intent wasn't to discourage but to encourage readers to be proactive in the whole experience.

No one wants to invest a ton of time in a read and comment in a script that is nothing more than a drop off. By that, I mean, someone who simply leaves a script here and expects a ton of people to invest in it when he himself doesn't invest any time in other's scripts.

When people see you here reading scripts and commenting on them, believe me, it's noticed. They say to themselves...

Okay, they are around and they are investing what time they can afford to help other writers out, so yeah, I'm gonna take the time to see what they have to offer and help them out as well.

By the way, some of our more successful writers are those whose language is other than English.

In fact, look up Michael Duthin here. If I'm right, he has a short entered in this years Cannes film festival and his primary dialect is French.

Take care buddy

Shawn.....><

Congrats to the author on getting HIGHLY recommended to Scriptshadow.
Don't waste your time worrying, it'll all be over by Wednesday.

Regards,
E.D.

Greetings Michael,

Had a spare few ticks, so I peaked at the first half dozen...
And found what appears to be a SLUG problem that needs to be addressed.

The story starts with Early at age FOUR.
Ok, fine.

Then right into therapy. Then the FLASHBACK to the grisly deed.
Ok, I make the assumption that Early's roughly the same age with the doc.

But then...
You cut to the "PRESENT TIME" on page six. Now, Early's EIGHTEEN?

You established the present time already in your previous slugs with Early at age four.
So, unless I'm completely (it happens) misreading things, what you really have is...

An opener that has a FLASHBACK within a FLASHBACK.
Then once the second FLASHBACK is over...
The narrative then FLASHES FORWARD fourteen years to PRESENT TIME.

Development hounds, like myself, look for these kinds of red flags all day long.
It's a tell-tale sign of a writer that's not a working professional.
Which gets your script a big step closer to the trash bin here in town.
If you're an unknown quantity, you're judged by the red flag system. Period.

Recommend addressing this before sending your script out.
Good luck. Keep writing & rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted Text Congrats to the author on getting HIGHLY recommended to Scriptshadow. Don't waste your time worrying, it'll all be over by Wednesday.

Haha! Thanks! Had someone from another site read the script and loved it, so they recommended the script to Carson (apparently they have similar tastes).

Quoted Text You established the present time already in your previous slugs with Early at age four. So, unless I'm completely (it happens) misreading things, what you really have is... An opener that has a FLASHBACK within a FLASHBACK. Then once the second FLASHBACK is over... The narrative then FLASHES FORWARD fourteen years to PRESENT TIME. Development hounds, like myself, look for these kinds of red flags all day long. It's a tell-tale sign of a writer that's not a working professional. Which gets your script a big step closer to the trash bin here in town. If you're an unknown quantity, you're judged by the red flag system. Period.

Thanks for pointing that out... I suppose a 14 YEARS LATER title card would have been correct (after acknowledging END FLASHBACK).

Yeah, I know every morsel of this script is going to be gouged on Wednesday. The version of the script that was recommended to Carson was a second draft, too... ugh! There was God damn typo on page 1 fml haha... not good!!!

REWRITES REWRITES REWRITES!!!

But thanks for the heads up... kind of nervous now...

-- Michael

BTW, if anybody should happen to read the version on Script Shadow, that draft is different from the one I have posted here -- the ending is drastically different. It's a LOT darker and a LOT more bleak ala the ending to Seven... but that was the version that was highly recommended to Script Shadow...

Crossing my fingers...

-- Michael

Hey Michael -

Good luck - we're all rooting for you and Morphine!

Cheers,

--J (Wonka)

Thanks J (Wonka)... hopefully the script doesn't fuck up the credibility of the guy who highly recommended it haha

This is on my to-read list.

Curt

Curt,

Hopefully, you enjoy it! It is very dark and has a very indie feel... the themes are handled in a very abstract way. The version on simply scripts is different from the one on script shadow... the character arc is a lot more clear on the version posted here, but it felt less provocative and too easy.

It wanted it to come across as a dream-like tale... at parts nightmarish. I bend reality a bit, here. Think of it as a dark and surreal coming of age suspense drama.

Any way, looking forward to your thoughts!

-- Michael

Love dramas.  And I am a massive fan of indie movies, so I think I shall enjoy this!  Hopefully I can have it done in one sitting

Curt

And anyone reading Morphine, please, show your support and check out the official teaser trailer for the Australian independent feature I wrote, "The Suicide Theory".

Directed by Dru Brown. Starring Steve Mouzakis (Where the Wild Things Are, I Frankenstein) and Leon Cain (Terra Nova, The Straits). Executive producer Darwin Brooks (AD on films Alexander, Syriana, Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, Ghost Ship).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEBcsdGRvRo

And show even more support by liking us on facebook and following us on twitter...

https://www.facebook.com/TheSuicideTheoryFilm?fref=ts
https://twitter.com/TSTFeatureFilm
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program...

-- Michael

Michael!!!

Excited for you! Best of luck!

Rooting for YOU!

D

Michael, best of luck. To get anyone to call your script "impressive" is an achievement, whatever else happens. Congrats and I hope Carson loves the script.

Thanks D... getting pretty nervous about that review on Wednesday... but I'm thankful for the opportunity to gain exposure, and, at worst, I'll receive some very helpful feedback in the critique (as I've received here on this site). Can't help but thank the gentleman who highly recommended the script (from another website)...

-- Michael

Thanks KevinL, I hope Carson digs it, too. Hopefully I don't get the "trash" or "not for me" rating, haha. The gentleman who recommended said Carson would like it, so I'm crossing my fingers...

You should be fine, dude.  Morphine is a killer script.

Thanks man, appreciate it. Thus far, in general, it's been well received, especially when you consider that the script/story/tone isn't for everybody (I knew that writing it). But opinions always vary... hopefully, the script can keep on building momentum...

SPOILERS***


And it should be well-recieved.  It's one script, along with Bert's The Farm, that I would instantly recommend to a newer member on here who's looking for a really engaging story to sit down and read.  

Browsing over earlier posts now, I see previous drafts ended pretty harshly.  Like some Reservoir Dogs type shit.  Whatever happened before, I'm glad the draft you e-mailed me had Early and Agony survive (they were cute together).  I swear when Daddy blew Agony's hand off with the hand canon, I was on the edge of my seat
talking to myself:  "Ah, fuck, Mike, don't do this to me."

Thanks dude... different version on Script Shadow... Agony dies! But that was the version that was recommended.

Thanks for checking it out, man, and thanks for your endorsement!

-- Michael

Not sure if you knew, but your script is mentioned here.  http://babzbuzz.blogspot.com/2013/06/babz-buzz-028.html

Good luck at ScriptShadow!  

Good luck, Michael.

You're a fantastic writer, with a very unique style and I know you've paid your dues over the years.

Fingers crossed that this is the beginning of something good.

Babz did say she gave my script a shout out, but I wasn't really sure where to find the podcast... thanks Pia!

Hey Rick, long time no talk! Thanks a lot for your support over the years!

-- Michael

Before I begin I want to make it clear that this is just My opinion. I'm not an expert, I make no claim to be one. I am just a struggling writer/director hoping that my input might help another story-teller hone their craft.

So...I didn't finish your script. Not because it was a difficult or painful read, but because one of my good friends dated a dominatrix for several years. I met a lot of people involved in that particular lifestyle and we never got along well...ever. Plus she really fucked him over, both financially and mentally. As such I have a slight biased the on the whole BDSM/dominatrix lifestyle.

But that's not to say that your script is bad. On the contrary, it's very good. Your writing style is impressive. Very lean and clean. I did whoever have a few notes for you. I got to page 35 but as you'll see my notes are pretty scant and spread out, a testament to your writing. Mostly little things, nothing major.

pg 1 - "Red mist resonates in the air." -- Can the red mist of blood escaping the body really resonate? I mean yes one of the definitions of resonate is to be filled with but, is this the right word for what you want to convey? Just how much blood came out of this guys melon?

"The bridge above: WINSTON leans over the ledge. Waves his arms. Merely a silhouette. His identity indiscernible." -- Who's Winston? No description, no context...is this on purpose?

pg 2 - TINA (re: off silence) -- Personally I got that this was implied and didn't feel you needed to reiterate it.

pg 3 - "Early erupts into sudden tears." -- I think that "erupts" implies that the tears are sudden.

"SPECIALIST, a doctor in white coat..." -- I think you meant in a white coat.

pg 5 - EARLY: Do you ever wish that you can have a baby? Your own baby? -- Did Early age and you forgot to mention it? This is rather mature dialogue for a four year old.

pg 12 - After the slugline: EXT. UPPER WEST SIDE (MANHATTAN) - LATER "A city setting." -- The slugline implies that it is a city setting.

pg 14 - "He whips his head around and cuts an evil look into Early’s direction." -- This sentence reads awkward to me. How do you cut a look into someone's direction?

"Early opens his eyes. Moonlight shines on his face. The room otherwise dark." -- Did you mean...is otherwise dark?

pg 17 - ELEVATOR  "Early leans his back against the wall and breathes heavily. On the brink of a panic attack. In tears. The doors slide shut." -- A little confusing. Usually the doors open before someone exits the elevator.

pg 25 - EARLY: I mean, I don’t enjoy it, but I don’t mind. It’s everybody else who doesn’t like talking about it. -- He just said he likes talking about it? Don't know many people that like something they don't enjoy.

pg 27 -- The exchange here between Early and Agony feels a little forced. Not sure how I would fix it though. I know you need to drive the story forward and him watching is where you're headed, but still....feels forced. Like she's a little too accepting of this nutball in a hospital gown.

Over all, very clean writing, and like others who have read this before, it was a very quick read. You're style is solid and you're technical skills are on the money. Not at all surprising that you already have a produced script.

Hey man, thanks for giving it a look. I'll get to your script when I can, still have another script to finish before I get to yours.

Quoted Text pg 1 - "Red mist resonates in the air." -- Can the red mist of blood escaping the body really resonate? I mean yes one of the definitions of resonate is to be filled with but, is this the right word for what you want to convey? Just how much blood came out of this guys melon?

I felt resonate was appropriate... in the way that morning due mist resonates in the air.

Quoted Text "The bridge above: WINSTON leans over the ledge. Waves his arms. Merely a silhouette. His identity indiscernible." -- Who's Winston? No description, no context...is this on purpose?

There is no description because his identity is indiscernible. In the next flashback where we see his face, I then describe him.

Quoted Text pg 3 - "Early erupts into sudden tears." -- I think that "erupts" implies that the tears are sudden.

Yeah, fixed this in a more recent draft.

Quoted Text pg 12 - After the slugline: EXT. UPPER WEST SIDE (MANHATTAN) - LATER "A city setting." -- The slugline implies that it is a city setting.

I can't assume everybody knows what the Upper West side of Manhattan looks like. Perhaps "urban setting" should have been used.

Quoted Text pg 17 - ELEVATOR  "Early leans his back against the wall and breathes heavily. On the brink of a panic attack. In tears. The doors slide shut." -- A little confusing. Usually the doors open before someone exits the elevator.

Early has just boarded the elevator. The SLUG is ELEVATOR, so he's inside. Then the doors close. And then we cut to LOBBY where he exits. No need to show all the stuff in between (him going down to bottom floor, doors opening, him leaving the elevator). I suppose I could have been more clear.

Quoted Text pg 25 - EARLY: I mean, I don’t enjoy it, but I don’t mind. It’s everybody else who doesn’t like talking about it. -- He just said he likes talking about it? Don't know many people that like something they don't enjoy.

He realizes what he just said sounds odd, so he kind of rewords it (Agony said it was weird in the dialogue in between).

Quoted Text pg 27 -- The exchange here between Early and Agony feels a little forced. Not sure how I would fix it though. I know you need to drive the story forward and him watching is where you're headed, but still....feels forced. Like she's a little too accepting of this nutball in a hospital gown.

It's all part of the world I wanted to create -- a dreamlike feel to it, where everything seems amiss (ala David Lynch, Nic Refn or David Cronenberg). I wanted to bend reality a little bit, make things surreal. And she's not exactly normal either. Match made in heaven!

Sorry to hear about your bad experience with the dominatrix, hope I didn't bring back any deep-seeded rage, haha. But I'm glad that you thought it was very good (up to where you read).

Thanks for taking the time to check it out and thanks for the compliments, bro!

-- Michael

No bad memories. And like I said, very well written. Do you have any other work I could read?

Not really... I do have a script called Machine Gun Symphony in the action/adventure section, but it was posted 4 years ago... not my finest work in my mind, though it got good reviews (Script of the month on Zoetrope)... my writing has changed a lot since then. I'm more economic with my word usage now.

As soon as you have something else ready please message me. I'd love to read it.

UofOStudent, you should really try to finish reading Morphine.  You say you have a slight bias on the subject and that's why you stopped at page 35.  Yet, you name more positive than negative about the script -- "1) it's very good (2) writing style is impressive (3) very lean and clean (4) style is solid (5) technical skills are on the money."  When Mike said he didn't wish to bring back any deep-seeded rage, you replied with "no bad memories."  Then why not continue on with the story?  

By that reasoning of yours, there should be a lot of scripts on this site that you'll stop reading then because of some detail to story.  I'm not trying to get on your back in a negative way, I'm just disappointed you stopped reading because of such a reason.  Morphine is a whole bunch of things rolled up into one-- cute, violent, dark, emotionally-gripping-- and it's a very satisfying read.  Give it another shot in its entirety.