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Last Train by Nathan Taylor - Drama - Just released from prison in Norway, all Einar wants is a quiet life; pick up with the girl he hasn't seen in two years and serve out his probation at the local paper mill. What he doesn't want is the attention of the local police and his trouble maker friend, Rolf. And he really doesn't want to find ten million Kroner in a blood soaked car. 112 pages - pdf, format
thought I’d take a look at this -- enjoying the read so far. I like the mood and sense of location you set-up in those opening pages. Made a few notes as I went, though I’ll wait to see if you’re around before I post any further.
Steve.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Alright I will try to put this together. Your script can be genius, but nobody gives a flying carap about Lithuania or Norway. You know why? Because nobody known where it is or don't care. Your first ten pages are filled with obvious mistakes. You right character age with words, but you should with numbers etc. Very often you describe information you shouldn't, like "he is his brother" or " he don't want him to leave ", but you are allowed to write only what audience can see etc. You should spend few months to reaserch the concept of spec. screenplays. Good luck cos we all here are in the same F. ing boat
I'm going to counter INTS' comments a little here, and say that I think there's nothing wrong with some of your action lines (now I've only read the first couple of pages) such as "...like he doesn't want him to leave." (which if you're going to quote something it should be quoted accurately. re: comment above) This to me is still a visual telling of how the scene is being played out. It's what adds soul to the writing vs a dry "ticker-tape" like script. IMOP. I think your writing is good, and as far as locations (again to counter the comments above) I don't think it matters, because for me the human story is a global one. Actually I think it's more interesting if it takes place somewhere I rarely hear about. You paint the picture well thus far. I can't comment on story as of yet, but I think the writing is engaging, and I'll try and read more later.
Your first ten pages are filled with obvious mistakes. You right character age with words, but you should with numbers etc. Very often you describe information you shouldn't, like "he is his brother" or " he don't want him to leave ", but you are allowed to write only what audience can see etc.
You're entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts. You can write "In his fifties," or "twenty-something," or "in his early 30's," "mid-teens" and the like. We each write in a slightly different way and writing out the age in a script... this issue is open to the style and choice of the writer. If you read a lot of scripts, you would see... it's done all the time.
INTS, I think you're taking the 'rules' of screenplay writing a little too literally! I really need to see this rule book which tells me what I'm 'allowed' and not allowed to write. Unfortunately I see this attitude far too much. It's as if some 'writers' see the formation of a screenplay as a 'paint by numbers' process, believing that if they hit the right plot points on the right page count this somehow makes the script good. It doesn't. No one in the industry, reads a script with a ruler and stopwatch, waiting for the 'inciting incident' no later than page 15, the mid point no later than page 60. This myth is what is sucking the life blood out of the craft.
As for your views on location, jeez, where to begin? Enough to say that the location is local, the story, Universal.
Kalbers, glad you're enjoying it thus far, be interested to hear if you made it to the end. Norway is an interesting, although clearly unheard of, country; vast oil and gas wealth, an almost utopian existence for much of the population, yet the normal social problems are still evident.
I like the idea at the heart of this. Thought you did a good sell with the log-line and the first few pages worked to pull me into the characters and story. It's the little moments (often with little or no dialogue), such as the opening scene with Vik and Nojus; Einar leaving prison and his train ride home; later when he’s gazing up at the factory; Bernt staring down the track at the station etc. that helped pull me along. It may sound odd to pick these scenes, but for me these quieter moments built tone and worked to convey a sense of this cold, brooding Norway.
As I read I found myself questioning some of the plot choices, and this is where you started to lose me. This is about finding the money. If the last person to have it was Nojus; then the next most likely people would be those he was intended to meet.
There’s a disconnect in the logic that followed when rather than follow the trail to those persons who reason suggests would have the money (Mats and co.) the suspicion falls quickly on Einar based somewhat tenuously on his recent release from prison and the car turning up in Tofte. Granted, Henrik and Per don’t know who Nojus was intended to meet, but surely they’d assume it would be the drug dealers before an unknown petty criminal? To me this angle felt forced to fit the plot.
Did Vik know where the deal was taking place? Logic would suggest he would as he set it up. If not, this should be addressed -- as why wouldn’t he go there (or send someone) to look for, if nothing else, some clue as to what had taken place? Instead he puts out some feelers and seems content to wait in Oslo (which felt odd for a violent gangster who’s just lost 10 million). He’s a strong character and I was surprised (maybe disappointed?) he wasn’t more active in locating his money.
Another point that stood out was how Henrik and Per found Einar and Rolfe in Oslo. They gave Lunt’s name at the hotel, not their own. No doubt they have their methods -- they’re cops -- but nothing is shown leaving this feeling rushed in for convenience.
I also found myself wondering what Vik’s endgame was here -- it might not seem all that important as the focus shifts to finding the money; but it is catalyst to the plot and without an understanding of his motive the rest of the plot is left open. All I know is that Henrik mentions that Vik’s trying to take over the east-side drug trade.
Why would he want or need his brother dead? In the recording Mat’s tells Nojus that Vik wants him gone. But Nojus wanted to leave to go back to Lithuania and be a farmer anyway -- so where’s the need to kill him?
Where would Vik have gone from there regarding Henrik and Per? Seems like he’d have a plan in place. He was stealing their end of the money; wouldn’t they also have to be dealt with before they figured it out?
Do Henrik and Per hear the pen recording at the pawnshop and realise Vik set them up? Again I wasn’t sure -- things came quickly to a head and our main antagonists wind up shooting each other conveniently dead before any explanation is offered.
Notes as I read:
‘Close on banknotes’ personally wouldn’t open with this in a slug -- especially given that the following line of action essentially tells us the same.
p.1 - ‘catching early fish’ -- reads funny to me, could probably be re-phrased.
p.12 - guessing Nojus was holding the hold-all when he exited the hut? Wasn’t sure where it came from during the shoot-out.
p.13 - ‘Rolf’s shift is over’ -- can’t be filmed as written. I’m not against the use of ‘unfilmables’ and you clearly have a style you’re comfortable with -- but to me this was superfluous.
Wasn’t feeling the ‘Dick from Oslo’ flashback so much. It’s 3 pages of back and forth that have little bearing on the main plot. Think you could bring us to the same point with a lot less.
Was surprised at Einar’s reaction to Rolfe’s attack on Bernt. He was pretty adamant about turning the money in and staying out of trouble. The dynamic between these two was a little unclear at times. Einar strayed between both the strong one taking charge (in the fight, and to an extent in the encounter with Vik); while at others allowing Rolf to brow beat him on clearly poor decisions. They work well in opposition to one another, but it lacked consistency.
Not sure I know much about Einar. One minute he seems smart enough to figure out what’s going on (rumbled by Henrik in the hotel lobby; and towards the end when he discovers the recording) Then at other times he hadn’t put it together that his not showing up for work might lead to him being a suspect.
p.41 - ‘Has more than enough to send Einar back...’ Again, this really can’t be filmed as written -- besides a parolee, complicit in assaulting a cop should be enough.
p.41 -- not seen dual dialogue formatted like that. It’s a bit unclear having the character names on the same line as the dialogue. I’d keep the standard format, just side by side.
p.59 -- ‘Light just coming up...’ had to read this a couple of times to realise that ‘light’ referred to daylight.
p.64 -- ‘VIGELANDS SCULPTURE PARK’, you use one slug for a scene that takes us through what reads like several locations within the park. Just a thought for sake of clarity.
p.67 -- Ok, it’s a nitpick, but what would a ‘cheap looking cigar’ look like on film? If anything omitting stuff like this just tightens the read, that’s all.
‘He sizes up Rolf, definitely not a cop.’ What does a cop definitely ‘not’ look like? For me the set-up for this scene could use some tweaking. Not familiar with gun laws in Norway, though given Knut’s reaction it feels like he would be more wary of a stranger asking to buy an unlicensed gun.
Looking back through this, I wonder what part this gun really plays. Given the time spent in the set-up (Rolf and Knut) it seems of little consequence overall. It’s pointed once or twice; but all I can think is that when Nojus walks out of Bernt’s office with it, the Kripos shoot him dead -- which is only implied.
Also why is the gun still in the bag? Wouldn’t Bernt have opened the bag at some point? He could have missed it -- though this could do with some set-up rather than being assumed. Would it make sense to re-work the fingerprint angle and have Rolf take Nojus’s gun at the outset without Einar seeing?
Seems like a slight disconnect between the sculpture park scene and the ski jump scene. Einar wants to show Sylvi something, we then skip to the ski jump and she knows about the bag and the money. Though I can understand (and wholly support) not wanting to rehash the plot in the dialogue -- what did he want to show her that was of consequence to the scene change?
p.73 -- ‘...he tries his luck...’ How?
Liked the hotel scene -- Per waiting with the shotgun was a nice touch. Though I wasn’t feeling the way Henrik stayed in the hotel on the Fireman’s orders. He could have had a perfectly viable reason to brush off the Fireman in pursuit of a ‘suspect’. He’s a dirty cop with 5 million on the line, why not lie? He knew there was no fire.
p.78 -- ‘...looks like you were talking when you should have been listening’. Nice line.
p.85 -- ‘A small CHILD, a little boy...’ Saying the same thing here.
p.96 -- What’s with the YOUNG MAN? Does he serve a purpose?
Why does Rolf go get drunk if he suspects Einar’s going to split with the money?
p.99 -- ‘LOUD GUNSHOTS echo...’ From a pen-sized recording device?
I could just about buy Nojus surviving, but the ending here felt rushed and left me a bit underwhelmed:
Nojus survives against the odds; briefly reappearing only to get gunned down again moments later. I’d almost be tempted to let him escape with the money.
After Sylvi took the bag and left Einar the note, why did she suddenly decide to go home and turn it in to her father?
Never quite understood what I was supposed to take from the Einar getting busted by Bernt angle. Even if it was Einar’s mother who turned him in to Bernt, it still means that both his best friend and girlfriend/mother of his child lied in order to turn him against the other. It features as a pretty important part of the story yet in the end it doesn’t seem to take us anywhere. Or did Sylvi and Rolf actually just see one another outside Einar’s and assume it was the other that had turned him in?
Apologies if these comments come across as harsh, it’s certainly not the intention to offend. I enjoyed the read, though I found myself questioning the execution which ultimately distracted me from the story. This is just one opinion and I hope you can get further reads to gain more insight. Best of luck with it.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
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