All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Red Light Madonna by Phillip Richards - Drama, Noir - The year is 1956, the place, Los Angeles. An ambitious young deputy DA isn’t convinced that a wealthy real estate developer’s death was really a suicide. His investigation exposes the secrets of the rich and powerful as it unravels a decades old murder. 107 pages - pdf, format
I got a 404 message. I'll take a look when it's fixed. Looks like my type of script. For starters though, the log line is a little long. Break the synopsis down to one sentence or 2 short ones.
For me, It's in a fine format. Could be something on your end, Dustin. I'll give 10 pages, unless i'm hooked.
So, as I said --
"The year is 1956. The place, Los Angeles."
You have to use a superimpose for this. Show not tell.
Pg. 2 -- A little too much action in your parentheses for my taste.
By pg. 6, there's a lot of dialogue. An you have a ton of exposition. I'd get some of the info in there without getting it too on the nose.
By page 10 I got a bit bored. It shoved a bit to much info at me for not enough action or background info on the crime. It starts a bit too fast without time to build up to the arrest.
For me, It's in a fine format. Could be something on your end, Dustin.
You're right, well that was weird. The downloaded file must have gotten corrupted. All the action was formatted as dialogue and the dialogue formatted as action when I downloaded yesterday.
Lots of exposition on page 3, 4 and 5. From what I know of criminal cases, all evidence must be shared with the defence so a defence attorney wouldn't go into a meeting blind like that.
So after skipping to page 6, the talky stuff is over and they leave. Nothing new learned. Everything simply repeated from the arrest. IMO, these 3 pages are completely unnecessary.
Code
INT. TAYLOR STONE’S LAPD OFFICE - DAY
DEV enters the outer office of TAYLOR Stone, 50, Chief of
the Los Angeles Police Department. The secretary waves him
by. He enters the inner office. TAYLOR is seated at his
desk. There are "Taylor Stone for Mayor" posters in a
corner of the office.
There should be two separate slugs for the above.
Code
INT. GARLAND PRICE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
PRICE is sleeping. The sounds of someone walking into the
room can be heard OS. Two men wearing coveralls walk up to
either side of the bed. We can’t see their faces. (We don’t
see their faces throughout the scene). We will later learn
that they are Detective Jason REED, 28, a sharp dresser,
down to the French cuffs on his shirt and expensive cuff
links made in the shape of LAPD badges; and Detective SCOTTY
Sullivan, 55, overweight, slovenly, an old hand at the
LAPD. They grab PRICE. SCOTTY shoves an icepick wrapped in
a towel into PRICE’s temple. The towel absorbs the small
amount of blood from the wound. PRICE struggles for a
moment, then goes limp. The two men lift PRICE from the
bed.
The above is too much for one action block. What's the point in not seeing their faces if we know who they are anyway? There will surely be another opportunity later in the script to find out who killed him.
Code
INT. IN JASON REED’S CAR - DAY
As it is an INT. we know it is internal, so mentioning 'in' in your slug is unnecessary.
There is a lot of exposition but I think it does flow. So you can write dialogue. Your action reads fine too, mostly. Keep practising and you'll get there in no time.
Thanks for the crits, guys. I know I tend to get talky, I'm trying to discipline myself about that. I've done a revision which I'm submitting today. I hope you'll take a look at it and tell me what you think.
Pages: 1
Author
Red Light Madonna
Logged
Locked Board