Sins of the Father :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

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A single 1960 worn yellow Chevy Impala...

There isn't any need for 'single'.

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The occupants, two young men, Todd Henderson (20) and Lenny Epstein also (20)

INTRO YOUR CHARACTERS IN UPPERCASE.

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A single 1960 worn yellow Chevy Impala whisks by in a blur. The occupants, two young men, Todd Henderson (20) and Lenny Epstein also (20) They pass a Road Sign FENTON, MISS 10 MILES. INT. CAR - DAY Lenny is Jewish, bullheaded and stubborn always thinks he’s the smartest one in the room. He leans his head back on seat, sweat poring from his face. His hat offers little shade, he’s miserable.

I'd also stick to only one intro per character. Drop the initial intro and intro them from inside the car.

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Todd effervescent and full of charm, sports a straw fedora and black shades. The boy to be watched, he’s going places, has all the connections and the brains to back it up. With a big smile that will melt any girls heart replies.

Show don't tell. There also isn't any need to tell us he replies as he simply does just that.
It is also girl's.

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A safe little world insulated, almost immune to the passage of time. Change comes slowly here and its treated like a bad cold, when it does.

Use only one description. Both of the above say the same thing.

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MR. ENLOE Glad your home!

Ouch. Personal bug of mine. Such a simple thing to get right. Maybe it's a typo?

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They proceed up steps into house.

What's wrong with using the word 'the' or 'a'? You go to all the trouble of mentioning steps, that are pointless, yet omit the connective.

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INT. MANOR HOME - DAY Entering, a Black butler WILLIAM (60) receives them. TODD What’s going on William? WILLIAM Your Father’s in the Study Mister Todd. Todd acknowledges patting him on arm.

Mr Todd... ah, what a dumb ol negro. And a condescending pat on the arm. How nice.

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Carl Henderson (56) tall, fit for his age, blond hair slightly turning to gray sits on couch.

Sits on a couch. I mean he's fit for his age, 56, blond hair which is slightly turning to gray.... and you can't be arsed to write 'a'?

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The Sheriff RAYMOND TURMALONGE (45) a fat, ruddy complected redneck questions Carl.

You've used 'complected' wrong. You should have written: ruddily-complected. Also nice to see the stereotypical redneck.

I can't read any more. Hopefully what I've said gives you some pointers on how you can improve. Good luck.