Johnny - thanks so much for the read and the kind words - They came at a particularly good time for me as I have been drowning in writers block for some reason (you know - write something - inner voice says I hate this - delete it - go watch TV). Your comments got the juices going again. Again - greatly appreciate all the kind words - but will spend the response on the suggestions/criticisms you had.

Quoted Text Matthew’s attempted suicide on page 20 is powerful, stressed by his dream that gives a psychological reveal to his gambling addiction. It’s a good example of how a flashback works, but I didn’t care for how he lost the bet here; moreover, showing the consequences so soon, if at all. Matthew’s fucked up, we already know what happens.

I take the point. As a note, I have cut and added back this scene several times. The bet was suppose to work as a tool linking his current gambling addiction to his first bet.  I'm not sure that it is needed as the PTSD may be enough on its own. If I do keep it - I very much like your idea of delaying the reveal (i.e,the only reason Matthew is alive is that he lost that coin flip)  to later. I think it would work well as a plot point at either (a) when Matthew first speaks at the Gambling Addicts meeting (the scene needs a little more oomph anyway) or in a conversation with Damian when they meet up at the lake.  

Quoted Text I enjoyed family moments a lot. The reunion between Matthew, Damian, and even Amanda promotes the characters in a way that makes you care about what happens to them. While the rest of the world despises flashbacks, you went out of your way to ink a killer one at The Mason Creek Canal. Oh decisions, decisions. Immediately after the flashback however, the commentary on it drags.

Glad you liked the scene - had it as just dry dialogue in an earlier version and another SS member suggested the change to the flashback.  Just re-read the dialouge after the FB - and yep - it needs to be trimmed. I think I can just cut it to the end where Damian states that's why I owe him. I will definitely make it crisper here.

Quoted Text I’m not sure if I care for the Amanda/Carlson hotel scene. I laughed after he said he’d cancel and she replied “no”, but damn I hate that bitch. The arc just took the breath out of everything that has been escalating in the 3rd Act. Still it was pretty funny, I’d imagine that zinger to be a hard one to cut.

Will take a look as it wasn't suppose to be a funny moment. Maybe she doesn't need to say anything at all. Perhaps just a nod. Thanks for the viewpoint.

Some nitpicks:

Quoted Text If I had to point out something, the way you introduce characters has a tendency to be physical and generic. It doesn’t align with the other strong points of your craft. Jake Peterson might as well be a bagger at a grocery story, such a poor character name for his age and the gravitas of his role.

Not my strong point for sure - will take a look at the character intros.

Quoted Text On page 25 Matthew states, “I’ll get the money” followed by, “That’ll square us?” Is he serious? He literally just tried to off himself. Maybe he’s just keeping the charade going, but man that sounded weird.

concur - that line will go in the next revision.

Quoted Text I wasn’t a fan of Matthew shouting, “Finally, it’s over!” Also when Russo says, “You are so fucking dead!”, “Answer me, you faggot! (beat) God damn it!”—takes away from subtext, standing out in an obvious way.

I don't agree here. I like the line. The dude failed to kill himself the night before and now a gift - someone's going to do the dirty work for him. Also okay with Russo's dialogue there he is a guy with self control issues and I think that helps. Will take a re-look at all of this though.

Russo’s killing spree starts to fall into eye rolling territory. I get Ray, he messed up. But Davis?

Quoted Text Poor guy. If he hates addicts, you set it up with “And don’t steal the tip from the waitress.” The top of page 51 would be a good time to deliver on that  - maybe “Fucking addicts” instead of “Too easy”. That would also explain why he hates Matthew for extra-credit. We already know Damian isn’t going to be interrogated with feathers so…

Oh - I really like your last thought here - might even add something along the line - "...are they all addicts in this town..."

Quoted Text My biggest gripe is Damian overcoming his own internal issues. Going after Carlson is small fish. He should’ve conquered that clown much sooner and quicker. I felt Damian needed to be involved with Russo and Jake and “bonding” with his brother in the end.

Hmm - Not sure I agree with your thoughts on the timing of Carlson's demise. He is in fact  a big fish to Damian and what I wanted as part of Damian's plight was that - because he had to stay employed because of Jake - he had to wait to take Carlson down. i.e., he couldn't just quit after he learns of the affair. He needed access to the insider info. It might work better if he figures out Carlson's achilles heal sooner in the story and just can't take him out when he wants to.

Quoted Text - Page 34 Carlson rubs his chin with his hands as he peers at the Damian's briefing material. - “Modest” becomes repetitive too fast. Don’t kill your screenplay’s brand, this ain’t a modest script. - Page 80 Tony Williams sits propped up in a hospital bed. as he eats dinner from a tray. - Page 81 You're awful quite.

Great catches - thanks

Thanks again, Johnny - really appreciated. Your notes, along with the ones I have received from Steve Miles, Nick, Cam and Brandon have really helped on this one. Hit me up if you ever need a read.

Quoted from eldave1 They came at a particularly good time for me as I have been drowning in writers block for some reason (you know - write something - inner voice says I hate this - delete it - go watch TV).

That's great! I think you're the kind of talent that's about to break out on the radar. Good luck!

Thanks, buddy.

Glad this one was bumped up. That was pretty cool.

Thanks, mate

Sounds like a decent drama (from the logline). Have you sent this out to any producers yet?

Quoted from DustinBowcot Sounds like a decent drama (from the logline). Have you sent this out to any producers yet?

Yeah, to several - no bites as of yet.

Got it a couple of contests as well.

Dave,
Lot's of good stuff offered by the other readers.  I'm just letting you know that I gave your script a read.
I know you're part of the Simply Scripts Format Police.  I have read many of your posted reviews/comments re: other writer's work. Sometimes I think you're a bit too harsh.  It's never the what you're offering it's usually the how. I know your intention is always to help the writer's improve their craft so, amen.  

It's 11:30pm  EST when I started reading your script.  121 pgs?  I figured I'd do 20 pgs. and hit the hay.   Yup, read the entire script, start to finish.  Believe me I was loaded for "bear".  

I thought this was one of the best  scripts I've read on the site.  Text Book structure I thought.
A teacher could use it to teach screenwriting basics.

I was going to create an outline showing all the Screenplay "Musts" you incorporated in your script.  (1st 10pg. hook, flawed protagonist, evil antagonist, story, goals, conflicts, secondary characters, believable dialogue, etc.  I'm pretty sure you'd receive a consider or recommend with this one.

Great stuff.  Get it out there!

JJ

Quoted from JakeJon Dave, Lot's of good stuff offered by the other readers.  I'm just letting you know that I gave your script a read. I know you're part of the Simply Scripts Format Police.  I have read many of your posted reviews/comments re: other writer's work. Sometimes I think you're a bit too harsh.  It's never the what you're offering it's usually the how. I know your intention is always to help the writer's improve their craft so, amen.   It's 11:30pm  EST when I started reading your script.  121 pgs?  I figured I'd do 20 pgs. and hit the hay.   Yup, read the entire script, start to finish.  Believe me I was loaded for "bear".   I thought this was one of the best  scripts I've read on the site.  Text Book structure I thought. A teacher could use it to teach screenwriting basics. I was going to create an outline showing all the Screenplay "Musts" you incorporated in your script.  (1st 10pg. hook, flawed protagonist, evil antagonist, story, goals, conflicts, secondary characters, believable dialogue, etc.  I'm pretty sure you'd receive a consider or recommend with this one. Great stuff.  Get it out there! JJ

Jake: thanks much for the read and the comments - greatly appreciated. Glad you liked it and that it held your interest. Very nice comments.

Your comment regarding me being  a member of the Simply Script Format Police made me laugh out loud (I want a badge!!!. Mostly because 95% of what I have learned since I joined the site a few years ago as a raw, unschooled novice, I learned here.