End Of The Weak by Kyle Bowler - Drama - After spending fifteen years on an isolated pig farm, a young man returns to the town where he was raised to seek retribution on the bullies that destroyed his childhood. 91 pages - pdf, format

Well written (read in one sitting). Good suspense. Then the ending. Didn't like it at all.

The setup was palpable. Luke going to Adge's, learning. Seems like Luke might have lost his bitterness learning what he did from Adge but that isn't case. He comes off as more bitter. He has to, otherwise the plot won't work.

I guess you took all the power out of Luke's hands when you ended it like you did. The tension between Jack, Luke, and Brogen, and the play having all the girls show up was excellent. It put a wrench in Luke's plans. While Jack could have been the orchestrator of his own end, it seemed maybe Luke could have taken the high road and settled somewhere else without taking revenge, seeing how messed up these guys still are. Yeah, life seems to suck thes days with crazy people, so it would be nice to have hope, or escape to a theater and emerge with a hope that despite awful things we can come out on top. We do like justice, though. I could see that easily woven in as self destructive as Jack is. Dylan, well, he knows, and he's screwed up because of it. He has to come clean for his own soul. I like happy endings anyway.

Hey Kyle,

Pretty well written for a 2nd draft. Wish I could be as clean and focused.

One thing about your style kinda irks me. Just about every action sentence starts with a character name and then continues. While fine for clarity, my personal feelings are more usage of he and she can be used to accomplish the same thing.

Agree with Clorox about the ending. It suggests suicide? Could'a shown it, maybe? How come you didn't?

Quoted from TonyDionisio One thing about your style kinda irks me. Just about every action sentence starts with a character name and then continues. While fine for clarity, my personal feelings are more usage of he and she can be used to accomplish the same thing.

Holy cow you're right! I never noticed. Maybe for me the picture is being painted and I am never left guessing who does what. Far too many times "he" or "she" leaves me guessing which he or she does what. I flow with the action without wonder.

Thanks for posting and for giving this a read Clorox and Tony.

I spent a fair few months writing this and when I got towards the end I was a bit too eager to finish it so I could start my next script. I went with the ending that I had originally plotted but I knew it didn't feel right at the time. I've got another one in mind that shouldn't take too long to alter and is a bit happier and more realistic.

The he/she instead of using their names is something that hasn't been mentioned about my work before. It felt natural when writing but now you've pointed it out I'll definitely look into it.  

Thanks again and if either of you want me to take a look at anything just let me know.

Hey Kyle,
I really like this. I got to page 20 so far. I like how Luke takes no shit from bullies and even puts the dirt bike on fire.  Have to be back for more.

Quoted from Kyle The he/she instead of using their names is something that hasn't been mentioned about my work before. It felt natural when writing but now you've pointed it out I'll definitely look into it.

My opinion is you don't screw with this unless he and she unless it really works. You have a lot of characters in each scene so the way you write works. If there is but one in the scene, then fine, mix it up. It's only for the read anyway. The way you wrote this didn't faze me and I was able to look at story points, not technical writing points.

Hey Kyle,
I read it until the end today. I liked the passage when Luke lives with Adge, which I thought would show him a different, better, way of life, but then had to go through the terrible disappointment that Luke turned into some kind of a terrorist on a mission. A few technical details:
Page 21 – ‘He locks eyes with Luke as he passes with a face full of genuine remorse.’ I had to think really hard here. Whose face was full of genuine remorse – Luke’s or Dylan’s?
Page 39 – it came as a complete surprise to me that the grown-up Luke smokes/is trying to stop. Him smoking should have been pictured in the previous scenes.
Most of the dialogue in the second half of the script needs to be more interesting. For example dialogue on page 83 is something that could be skipped. A good dialogue should either move the story forward or it tell us something about the characters, i suppose?
I agree with people who suggested happy ending for Luke!
Keep up good work
Marcela

Thanks for the feedback Marcela, appreciate it.

I agree that it falls a bit flat towards the end and I hope to sort it out in the next draft. I had a good idea for a dark comedy (which I prefer writing) while I was working on this so I rushed it a bit towards the end  - never a good thing.

For the bit where Adge gives Luke the speech about his childhood I originally had something different. It gave the impression that Adge was supportive of Luke seeking revenge but it felt a bit obvious so I went the other way instead. Adge gives him some good advice but instead of listening, he just sees him as a coward.

I'll probably leave the script for a few weeks while I work on my new one and come back to it with fresh eyes. All the feedback I've received will help massively with the rewrite. Thanks again.