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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Represent Moderators: bert
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  Author    Represent  (currently 1164 views)
Don
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Represent by Bernard Antoine Mersier - Drama, Crime, True Events - Is living the lifestyle of a Blood or Crip more important than family? That's the question Chris has to figure out before his friends who are Crips kill his little sister Tasha because she’s trying to join the Bloods. 101 pages  - pdf format

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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 2nd, 2023, 5:58pm
revised draft
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TonyDionisio
Posted: December 16th, 2015, 11:47am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

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Bernard,

Why is your name mentioned 3 times on your cover sheet? Then once on page 1 as you quote yourself? ROFL, I guess that's good that you view your own words quotable

Logline needs a tweaking and re-organization.

"Students are fleeing from the shootout that took place." Students flee. You already implied there is a shootout in OVER BLACK.


Quoted Text
A group of students surround Crystal, seventeen-years-old,
light brown with shoulder length black hair, and a tasty
body.
Tasty body? Mmmm.

Ok, your opening V.O. is intriguing enough.

Pg.2 Clip is not intro'd yet, describe his car, CAP your character intros.

Pg.3-4 Tighten up some of this action. Simplify what's going on.

Through 10 pgs you are not bad at what you're trying to do. It's just not my cup of iced tea. The dialog seems authentic but everyone speaks the same way -- thug ass black. I would throw a cracker in there to offset things, speaking wise.

I'm not really following much of a plot to this point. If this is about gang life, I can turn on a documentary or something. Gotta get into the story faster.

Will proceed if you're around.

GL with the script

TOny
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