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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Nest Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 20th, 2015, 9:25am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Nest by Baitul Javid - Drama - When an innocent Muslim girl falls for a rebellious boy from her school, she is manipulated into joining a cult. 93 pages - pdf, format


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eldave1
Posted: December 20th, 2015, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Baitful:

It was a little hard to get into this - I found the detail to be over written and the scene headings could be improved..


Quoted Text
TITLES BEGIN


You do not need the above - let the Director decide where the titles come in.


Quoted Text
INT. ALMA’S HOME - NIGHT

HALLWAY


You don't need both of these since nothing happens between the slugs. Try:

INT. ALMA’S HOME/HALLWAY - NIGHT


Quoted Text
ALMA (UHL-MAH), 17-years-old, walks past THREE
gold-frame photos hung on the wall hallway.

CENTER photo shows family portrait (in order) FATHER,
MOTHER, NANA, standing above a young Alma, and young HAMZA
(HUM-ZAH)

Mother has long dark hair seen resting on the side of
her shoulders, dark cat-like eye makeup over
greenish-grey eyes, light blue scarf lightly placed over her
head.

Father is wearing an all red kurta, and he is smiling.
Nana, slightly balding, obviously dyed jet-black hair on the
sides of his head, wearing glasses, and an all white kurta.

Young Alma is wearing red, her hair is long, eyes are
light greenish-Grey, and she is wearing a half-smile.
Hamza is wearing white, full smile, hair braided to the side
of her shoulder.

Photo to to the left of the family portrait shows the Holy
Kaabah of Mecca.

Photo to the right of the family portrait shows a Zulfiqar,
a traditional GOLD Shiite Muslim sword with Arabic
engravings that represent the sword of Ali.


You have an entire page describing three pictures on the wall. That is a tedious start. I would suggest something like:

ALMA (UHL-MAH), 17-years-old, walks past three gold framed pictures on the wall. They are:

- Holy Kaabah of Mecca.
- A portrait of a young Nana with her mother and father
- A gold Shiite Muslim sword.

And that is all you need. And - unless these photos are really integral to your story later, I would get rid of it all together and just write something to the effect of Alma walks past a wall containing photos of family and Muslim artifacts.


Quoted Text
CUT TO:

PRAYER ROOM


I would not use a cut to to a mini slug. If this room is in the same house, then use an action transition. e.g.,

She leaves the Hallway and enters the

PRAYER ROOM.

or.

Eliminate the CUT TO and just use a normal scene heading. e.g:

INT. ALMA’S HOME/PRAYER ROOM - NIGHT


Quoted Text
Alma walks into an empty room and rolls open a carpet out in
front of her.

She begins performing Namaz, the daily prayers for Muslims.
The carpet laid out in front of her is not bare.

There is a circular-rock-like object on the carpet, Alma
rests her head on the rock when she kneels down onto the
carpet.

Alma stands up.
Whispers more Arabic prayers.

Kneels back down.

She sits down onto the Namaz rug.

Grabs a tasbih (rosary beads).

She folds up the rug.
She walks out of the prayer room.



Again, IMO far too much detail. You have to ask yourself does describing each of these individual tedious actions required to move the story forward? i.e., Why can't it just be:

Alma enters, kneels on a traditional prayer rug and prays.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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