Nine Ninety - Disclosure by Demetri - Drama - The SilverRing Class is given the merciless power to bring the world to its knees without a moments notice, resulting to the perplexed execution of a Modern Day Dictatorship, turning the simple acts of everyday politics into a bloodbath battlefield. 60 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, I'd love to hear what you guys think about my script. I'm planning to do a huge re-draft for this idea in the coming weeks. Something I plan on changing is the pace of dialogue, making it a lot faster. Let me know if you think it's necessary.

Thanks.  

Demetri,

I got to about page 15 before I ran out of time. I don't think your dialog has a pacing problem at all. I think you have a lot of characters going at once and I'm not sure who to focus on or where the story begins via the logline.

I mean, to build your story around the government vs. the American people control wise -- you're kinda late. This has been going on for real. I'd suggest sorting out your protagonist and his goals earlier in the story.

Writing is very good otherwise. I'll see if I can read more soon.

Welcome to the boards.

Tony.

Thanks for the feedback. I think it's my fault in relation to the government vs America situation. I wrote in the longline about America's reaction, except the show will focus on the internal conflict and repercussions instead, based on the various actions the government will take in order to turn America into a "Modern Day Dictatorship".  

Also the protagonist thing was always a problem, as I couldn't settle on one.  I've always had 3 people with the same goal of gunning for power, with the differences being how they go about them. But I have made adjustments and decided on a main protagonist, which hopefully, once I've completed the redraft, will make the story clearer.

Thanks again.  

Quoted from Demetri. ... turn America into a "Modern Day Dictatorship".

Democracy is a lie. America is already within a modern day dictatorship. So's my country, btw, just for the sake of not sounding like one of these people that blames everything on the US.

Every single ally, aside from maybe the Muslim ones, are in on it too. The Muslim ones just get paid. So they can drive around in fancy gold cars and rape young girls... or boys. Maybe that's a bit too stereotypical... they also beat and murder them too. It's all good though, the Saudis are allies!

The back story to the concept, is that the US government has always been seeking greater control over the American people. Dating back to 9/11 (the backbone of the concept) where America sided with terrorists to fulfill this event. Except it went overboard with thousands of people dying and buildings collapsing. Basically the terrorists screwed them over.

Following on from this, the US government created an Archive containing 4 government secrets which is now protected by 4 officials, scattered across the United States (One of these secrets being that of 9/11). These officials have authority to kill anyone who threatens the exposure of these secrets to the American citizens. So there'll be direct conflict between the officials and SilverRing in the pilot, as they feel the members of the SilverRing pose a threat. (Part of the redraft I'm planning)


Any how, following on from this, the government has introduced several presidents since 2001 to now 2020, with every president having a unique policy or promise (as they do normally) that they seek to fulfill. However these promises are simply a smoke screen to cover up the governments intentions.

So now the government feel it's time to submit fully to the dictatorship, which involves the creation of the SilverRing, which is basically a board of excons and terrorists, with the deal being terrorism can continue to live on, with the exception that the government now controls the when, where, how and public perception.

But anyway, I do understand what you're saying.  

I don't understand why the US government would need to submit fully to a dictatorship, when it is already a cleverly constructed dictatorship. Democracy is brilliant because we believe we have choices. Everyone knows they will go to hell if they don't behave themselves < sarcasm.

I think that if you're going to attempt a subject matter like this that it needs to be done cleverly. Sacha Baron Cohen did an excellent job with The Dictator, a satirical look at dictatorship and the similarities evident with democracy.

Because your concept is so on the nose, so forthright, I actually find it a little off-putting. It's like, yeah, this is old news... bring us something new.

Good luck with it though.

I'm writing a series about a totalitarian dictatorship at the moment so I'll definitely read this.

One thing to consider is that The New York Times seldom reports on anything factual that goes against the interests of the US government, so I doubt anything fictional would make it onto, say, Netflix. They'd never offer their subscribers something like this. And a big production company would never finance it.

I've only read the logline, so I don't want you to think this is an evaluation of your screenplay. It just amuses me that this is the case; like, if you wrote a film like American Sniper we wouldn't be having this discussion, even though what it depicts is far more brutal.

Intro has been revised.

Feedback still welcome.