I Shall Be Released by Gregory Mandarano - Drama - Suffering from a cancer that threatens his voice, Levon Helm reflects on his life with The Band, and how their meteoric rise to fame comes with the heavy cost of his best friend's suicide. 130 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Greg - I had a chance to read the first 10. Very interesting topic here. These are mostly real nitty comments.

Quoted Text His eyes are closed as he listens to the music coming from his tiny cassette player headphones.

A cassette player? Haven't seen those in decades. You sure you don't won't to go with IPOD or something? Obviously ignore this if the cassette player was the intent.

Quoted Text SUPER: “SLOAN KETTERING CANCER CENTER”

Since this is not current time - I would include the year at the end of the SUPER

Quoted Text ....his friend and physician.

An unneeded unfilmabe for me. You establish this anyway in the dialogue that follows.

Quoted Text SANDY Come on... I’m trying to sleep.

Well, she's quite the bitch - does she know he has cancer? My point - If she is suppose to be a bad person - this line works. If she is not - this is a little off the mark.  

The dialogue between the band members on page 9-10 didn't seem natural for me in terms of Rock band members in 1969.  These were just kids - probably high - they sound too much like present day adults.

Anyway - like I said - just nits.  Nice work here.

Heya Eldave. Thanks for taking a look! This project is incredibly personal to me, and I didn't take anything in it lightly. Just want to reply to your comments real fast and defend my choices.

Cassette player: I knew Levon. My sisters and I called him Uncle. I definitely mean cassette player. That's what he used. It also ties in with his use of cassettes later on. The idea is that he's listening to a recording of himself, not a studio edit of his own music.

Year with the super: Doesn't matter to the audience what year it is. Just matters that the reader knows he's older. ie. 57. But it'd be 1998.

friend and physician: agree to disagree with unfilmables. During character intros they're fine. Also Carmine's my father.

Sandy: No comment. Like seriously. No comment.

They were just kids: These guys were 26-29 years old at the time of ed sullivan appearance. I also worked with Levon personally to adapt his autobiography 'This Wheel's on Fire' into a script. I was pretty immersed with the way all of them spoke for literally, years worth of writing. I also knew them all (except for Robbie.) It might not seem like it to a first time reader, but I like to think I'm pretty accurate with capturing the way each of them spoke.

Cool that you knew him - best with this

This is still an amazing script -- I think you've done well to replace the opening, the scene with Levon trying to help a girl in distress was powerful, maybe it belongs in the story, but this new version opens on what is distinctly a story about a singer/musician, as it should be.

The montages and time shifts are tiring to read but they will work well on film, I imagine, and the scenes of real friendship between band members shine brightly in contrast.
Seems to me that every scene with Garth is fresh and exciting, right up to the last time Levon checks to make sure he has a clear line of sight to see Garth while the new band gets ready to play in the remade barn.
This script is strong enough to carry the wonderful music of The Band and the Midnight Rambles, and that is a tremendous accomplishment, in my humble opinion.

Wow thanks for the reply CM. It's great having your opinion of the draft since you read a much earlier one.

Yes, I really tried to focus in on Levon's cancer and eliminated some of the time jumps, and brought it forward straight to the beginning of the script.

In comparison I also removed a few of the montages, and I also rewrote them to try to make them easier to read, which you may have picked up on - but still tiring.

I'll continue to write plenty of other scripts and advance my writing career, but this story is very close to my heart, and I hope one day to be able to get it made.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RjqcTsxx-8

Quoted from c m hall This is still an amazing script -- I think you've done well to replace the opening, the scene with Levon trying to help a girl in distress was powerful, maybe it belongs in the story, but this new version opens on what is distinctly a story about a singer/musician, as it should be. The montages and time shifts are tiring to read but they will work well on film, I imagine, and the scenes of real friendship between band members shine brightly in contrast. Seems to me that every scene with Garth is fresh and exciting, right up to the last time Levon checks to make sure he has a clear line of sight to see Garth while the new band gets ready to play in the remade barn. This script is strong enough to carry the wonderful music of The Band and the Midnight Rambles, and that is a tremendous accomplishment, in my humble opinion.

In all honesty I´d have preferred if the scene with him helping a girl in distress was put back in.  It would help viewers bond with the protagonist more thereby making them more willing to sit through all those montages and time shifts in scenes.

The scene's like two pages.

If I put it back in I'd have to re-evaluate where in the narrative it would go.

Originally it was part of a natural scene that built up towards his woodstock house burning down, but in the current draft the house burning down is just a flashback from a dream, as opposed to a fully separate time segment.

It�s just that your beginning is lacking.  No matter how good your story is people aren�t going to stick around if you don�t give them a reason to.  

Taking out that scene is like making a cheesecake without the cheese.  

I guess there's always gonna be a critic.

When it was in it got no love.

Couple notes:

1) "Super".  I'm assuming you mean superimposed.  From what I understand, things like this don't belong in a spec script.  The director will decide how best to convey the setting, be it a superimposition or just showing the outside of the building.

2) "Pretty nurse/Pretty attendant".  Similar to above. How pretty she is isn't relevant to the plot.  The director will decide if she's pretty.

I read about 10 pages and it sounds promising.