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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  La Loteria - Optioned Moderators: bert
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  Author    La Loteria - Optioned  (currently 7620 views)
eldave1
Posted: February 19th, 2017, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankH
Glad some of the feedback was helpful.

I got a thriller posted,  "Inconceivable Pain".
You had a quick look at it a few months ago.
A revised version was posted recently.
Would certainly appreciate your input.

Frank


Very helpful.

I will check out the script and post on your thread.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Patrick
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Good story, good flow. A good read. Are you at the pitching stage yet?


Patrick J Gillespie
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eldave1
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Patrick
Good story, good flow. A good read. Are you at the pitching stage yet?


Thanks for the kind words, Patrick. I have sent out general queries


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Athenian
Posted: March 30th, 2017, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave,

Sorry for the huge delay in getting to this. I've read both the initial and the updated version, if that's any consolation.

Overall, a much improved draft of a screenplay I already liked. The addition of Lobo raised the stakes for Gabriel and made his motive for murder more understandable. I also agree with the introduction of your main character (Anna) early in the story instead of p.15.  Here are a few notes:

1) p.14

Perhaps Gabriel could ask about the security camera in a way that wouldn't arouse suspicion:


Quoted Text
GABRIEL
Did you know them?

KOREAN OWNER
No.

GABRIEL
Well, if you get curious you can always run the footage from the security camera.

KOREAN OWNER
Camera broken. Sold hundred tickets, anyway. No use.


Same goes for p.17. Gabriel makes those questions to Esperanza a little too directly, IMO.

2) p.18-19


Quoted Text
ESPERANZA
Gabriel. I think you made a
mistake. (...) Those are all my numbers.


I know she's old and naive, but even so wouldn't she normally suspect something at this point?


Quoted Text
ESPERANZA
Gabriel. I think you made a
mistake. Those are all my...

She frowns, troubled.

From behind her chair, Gabriel loops the belt around her neck and pulls it tight.


3) p. 21-22

Not sure if I'm missing something here, but how did Gabriel know about this "Varrio Nuevo Estrada" gang and their initials V-N-E (which even Anna ignored)? Also, had this gang done the curving thing before?

4) p. 90

Others have mentioned that your descriptions are a little too detailed at times. This is a good example:


Quoted Text
Double V hangs up the phone, stands and puts his left hand behind his back. A CLICK as the Guard cuffs it.

GUARD
Right hand.

Double V raises his right hand and shoots Pablo a salute before putting it behind his back. A CLICK as the Guard cuffs it, spins Double V around and escorts him away.


I'd just write:


Quoted Text
Double V hangs up the phone, shoots Pablo a salute. The guard cuffs him and escorts him away.


5) p. 106


Quoted Text
ANNA
I'm about to die. We've fucked each
other. Humor me.

Huck nods.

HUCK
You make a fair point.


I like this, but perhaps it would be more plausible if she made Huck confess while holding him at gunpoint.

Okay, overall, I think you did a very good job (plot, characters and everything), but I do feel you could have used Pablo more: He could initially seek revenge himself instead of cooperating with Anna. He could then be accused of Gabriel's murder. He could even be a potential love interest for Anna. Of course, his health condition wouldn't allow him to do much, but does he really need to be left crippled after that explosion? I don't think it's essential to the story.

Another nice and solid feature by you - good luck with it!

Manolis

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Athenian  -  March 31st, 2017, 4:05am
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eldave1
Posted: March 31st, 2017, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Hey Dave,

Sorry for the huge delay in getting to this. I've read both the initial and the updated version, if that's any consolation.


Thanks, friend - that is very generous of you - appreciated.


Quoted Text
1) p.14

Perhaps Gabriel could ask about the security camera in a way that wouldn't arouse suspicion:


I get your point - but think will leave as is. Gabriel is not supposed to be  a very clever guy - so I think it natural for him to stumble here.

Quoted Text

2) p.18-19

I know she's old and naive, but even so wouldn't she normally suspect something at this point?


Perhaps - I'll give the scene another look.


Quoted Text
3) p. 21-22

Not sure if I'm missing something here, but how did Gabriel know about this "Varrio Nuevo Estrada" gang and their initials V-N-E (which even Anna ignored)? Also, had this gang done the curving thing before?


Thought it would be implied from him living in the area (I actually am very familiar with the area and the local gang symbols are everywhere (graffiti et al) - but I think you may be the third person now that found this to be an issue - so it is worth looking at - maybe a scene where they are present somewhere (e.g., graffiti or something) before the deed is done. Thanks.


Quoted Text
4) p. 90

Others have mentioned that your descriptions are a little too detailed at times. This is a good example:

I'd just write:
Double V hangs up the phone, shoots Pablo a salute. The guard cuffs him and escorts him away.


Like what you did there - cool. Going to steal it.


Quoted Text
5) p. 106

I like this, but perhaps it would be more plausible if she made Huck confess while holding him at gunpoint.


I thought about that and even had a version of it at one time - my problem with it was the logic of him confessing when he knows its going to be used against him - he's only confessing now because he think Anna is going to be dead and gone.


Quoted Text
Okay, overall, I think you did a very good job (plot, characters and everything), but I do feel you could have used Pablo more: He could initially seek revenge himself instead of cooperating with Anna. He could then be accused of Gabriel's murder. He could even be a potential love interest for Anna. Of course, his health condition wouldn't allow him to do much, but does he really need to be left crippled after that explosion? I don't think it's essential to the story.


So interesting you should mention this - the original story had Pablo is the Protag and Anna and Huck simple as the B story. He (Pablo) becomes a vigilante after returning home due to his frustration with no one finding the killer. I will revisit that for sure if I can get any nibble on what I have now.


Quoted Text
Another nice and solid feature by you - good luck with it!

Manolis


Thanks' again, Manolis - I really appreciate your time and effort on the read. Very helpful.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: November 28th, 2020, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Finally got around to a re-write on this - was able to shave 7 pages - hopefully, I did;t shave any good ones and add any bad ones.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 28th, 2020, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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I liked that script!  


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eldave1
Posted: November 28th, 2020, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I liked that script!  


Thanks!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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FrankH
Posted: December 11th, 2020, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave,

Agree with Grandma Bear, I also liked this script.

Good luck.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
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eldave1
Posted: December 12th, 2020, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankH
Hey Dave,

Agree with Grandma Bear, I also liked this script.

Good luck.

Frank


Th, buddy.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Don
Posted: September 6th, 2021, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Optioned.

Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Yuvraj
Posted: September 6th, 2021, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Kudos yo!!!


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Zack
Posted: September 6th, 2021, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Congratulations,  Dave! That's awesome!
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eldave1
Posted: September 6th, 2021, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: September 6th, 2021, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Fantastic news, Dave!


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