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I got a thriller posted, "Inconceivable Pain". You had a quick look at it a few months ago. A revised version was posted recently. Would certainly appreciate your input.
Frank
Very helpful.
I will check out the script and post on your thread.
Sorry for the huge delay in getting to this. I've read both the initial and the updated version, if that's any consolation.
Overall, a much improved draft of a screenplay I already liked. The addition of Lobo raised the stakes for Gabriel and made his motive for murder more understandable. I also agree with the introduction of your main character (Anna) early in the story instead of p.15. Here are a few notes:
1) p.14
Perhaps Gabriel could ask about the security camera in a way that wouldn't arouse suspicion:
Quoted Text
GABRIEL Did you know them?
KOREAN OWNER No.
GABRIEL Well, if you get curious you can always run the footage from the security camera.
KOREAN OWNER Camera broken. Sold hundred tickets, anyway. No use.
Same goes for p.17. Gabriel makes those questions to Esperanza a little too directly, IMO.
2) p.18-19
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ESPERANZA Gabriel. I think you made a mistake. (...) Those are all my numbers.
I know she's old and naive, but even so wouldn't she normally suspect something at this point?
Quoted Text
ESPERANZA Gabriel. I think you made a mistake. Those are all my...
She frowns, troubled.
From behind her chair, Gabriel loops the belt around her neck and pulls it tight.
3) p. 21-22
Not sure if I'm missing something here, but how did Gabriel know about this "Varrio Nuevo Estrada" gang and their initials V-N-E (which even Anna ignored)? Also, had this gang done the curving thing before?
4) p. 90
Others have mentioned that your descriptions are a little too detailed at times. This is a good example:
Quoted Text
Double V hangs up the phone, stands and puts his left hand behind his back. A CLICK as the Guard cuffs it.
GUARD Right hand.
Double V raises his right hand and shoots Pablo a salute before putting it behind his back. A CLICK as the Guard cuffs it, spins Double V around and escorts him away.
I'd just write:
Quoted Text
Double V hangs up the phone, shoots Pablo a salute. The guard cuffs him and escorts him away.
5) p. 106
Quoted Text
ANNA I'm about to die. We've fucked each other. Humor me.
Huck nods.
HUCK You make a fair point.
I like this, but perhaps it would be more plausible if she made Huck confess while holding him at gunpoint.
Okay, overall, I think you did a very good job (plot, characters and everything), but I do feel you could have used Pablo more: He could initially seek revenge himself instead of cooperating with Anna. He could then be accused of Gabriel's murder. He could even be a potential love interest for Anna. Of course, his health condition wouldn't allow him to do much, but does he really need to be left crippled after that explosion? I don't think it's essential to the story.
Another nice and solid feature by you - good luck with it!
Sorry for the huge delay in getting to this. I've read both the initial and the updated version, if that's any consolation.
Thanks, friend - that is very generous of you - appreciated.
Quoted Text
1) p.14
Perhaps Gabriel could ask about the security camera in a way that wouldn't arouse suspicion:
I get your point - but think will leave as is. Gabriel is not supposed to be a very clever guy - so I think it natural for him to stumble here.
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2) p.18-19
I know she's old and naive, but even so wouldn't she normally suspect something at this point?
Perhaps - I'll give the scene another look.
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3) p. 21-22
Not sure if I'm missing something here, but how did Gabriel know about this "Varrio Nuevo Estrada" gang and their initials V-N-E (which even Anna ignored)? Also, had this gang done the curving thing before?
Thought it would be implied from him living in the area (I actually am very familiar with the area and the local gang symbols are everywhere (graffiti et al) - but I think you may be the third person now that found this to be an issue - so it is worth looking at - maybe a scene where they are present somewhere (e.g., graffiti or something) before the deed is done. Thanks.
Quoted Text
4) p. 90
Others have mentioned that your descriptions are a little too detailed at times. This is a good example:
I'd just write: Double V hangs up the phone, shoots Pablo a salute. The guard cuffs him and escorts him away.
Like what you did there - cool. Going to steal it.
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5) p. 106
I like this, but perhaps it would be more plausible if she made Huck confess while holding him at gunpoint.
I thought about that and even had a version of it at one time - my problem with it was the logic of him confessing when he knows its going to be used against him - he's only confessing now because he think Anna is going to be dead and gone.
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Okay, overall, I think you did a very good job (plot, characters and everything), but I do feel you could have used Pablo more: He could initially seek revenge himself instead of cooperating with Anna. He could then be accused of Gabriel's murder. He could even be a potential love interest for Anna. Of course, his health condition wouldn't allow him to do much, but does he really need to be left crippled after that explosion? I don't think it's essential to the story.
So interesting you should mention this - the original story had Pablo is the Protag and Anna and Huck simple as the B story. He (Pablo) becomes a vigilante after returning home due to his frustration with no one finding the killer. I will revisit that for sure if I can get any nibble on what I have now.
Quoted Text
Another nice and solid feature by you - good luck with it!
Manolis
Thanks' again, Manolis - I really appreciate your time and effort on the read. Very helpful.