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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  They Were Right Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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They Were Right by Trevor Mabasa - Drama - A short crime drama about a young man who got desperate to get the and live the life he adored.  The man joined the drug crew which used to steal around and sell drugs.  His friends and family told him to quit but it got late because he got arrested in his last day.  - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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TrevorV
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 5:26am Report to Moderator
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This screenplay can be very cheap on production.  It doesn't have a lot of settings which can cost, but a good script.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Trevor,

Am I right in assuming English isn't your first language? That's fine, but I feel you need a better handle on the language to write it exactly the way you intend it to be.

At the moment the dialogue isn't good and doesn't sound like real people talking. The opening action paragraph isn't really an action paragraph. The rest are not written correctly. There's no opening slug. Where are we? The logline also needs work.

Read more. It's a great way to learn. And then, try again.

Sorry, on my phone. If you want more feedback, please let me know.

Good luck,

Glenn.


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TrevorV
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the post.  I'll try to work more harder on my language and have a great starter on my screenplay.
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eldave1
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Yes, Trevor: the formatting and the English are way off. But stick with it - master the language - read some scripts for structure, google screenplay tips, etc. Long winded way of saying that you need some prep work - best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Female Gaze
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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You know what...I'm just gonna throw this out here.

You should make this a book instead. Your narrative just screams book to me.
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