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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  What We Did That Summer Moderators: bert
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  Author    What We Did That Summer  (currently 952 views)
Don
Posted: December 17th, 2016, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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What We Did That Summer by Nicholas A Romantini - Drama - Three 12 year-old boys get lost while camping in the woods and must put aside their differences to find their way home the hard way while also learning about friendship, survival, and growing up. 90 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 3rd, 2018, 3:00pm
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eldave1
Posted: December 17th, 2016, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Nicholas - the first three paragraphs are peppered with problems.


Quoted Text
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD-DAY
Open on a WIDE SHOT of a modest, Northern California
suburban neighborhood. Superimpose title: What We Did This
Summer. We see PARENTS and their CHILDREN are outside,
enjoying the nice summer day.


Get rid of all camera directions (WIDE SHOT, WE SEE). The Superimpose should be on it's own line (like a scene heading). Get rid of unfilmabes in description. Get rid of redudand descriptions - you don't need outside (heading is already EXT) or neighborhood (already in setting). No need to superimpose your title. It should be written something like:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD-DAY

Modest suburban homes. Sunny and pleasant.

PARENTS play with their CHILDREN.

You can add what ever else you want description wise to reflect the tone and action.


Quoted Text
SUPERIMPOSE WHITE TITLE:
AUGUST 25, 1996


Should simply be:

SUPER: AUGUST 25, 1996


Quoted Text
EXT. PALERMO HOUSE-DAY
We see the PALERMO HOUSE, a nice, pleasant looking, two
story house.


Again - you already have Palermo in the header - no need to repeat. Should be:

EXT. PALERMO HOUSE-DAY

A pleasant looking, two house.


Quoted Text
MIKE (READING)


Wrong format. Should be:

MIKE
(reading)

There are issues throughout. You need to work on basic formatting. Hope this helps.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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