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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Unbreakable Bond Moderators: bert
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  Author    Unbreakable Bond  (currently 1568 views)
Don
Posted: June 24th, 2017, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Unbreakable Bond by Bernard Antoine Mersier - Drama, Crime - Two teenage childhood friends from the slums of Detroit made a bond when they were young to always have each other's back, but Latrice is making it hard for Antoine to uphold his end because she’s going down the same road of prostitution like her mother. 92 pages  - pdf format

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (9 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 29th, 2023, 12:15pm
revised draft
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Patrick
Posted: June 25th, 2017, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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The water mark needs to go. Keep the title to 12 point courier, your opening dialogue is V.O a big no, no. As it can be seen as lazy writing. Your discriptions, are long less is more. This requires a lot of reading. A potential producer will get board quckly and pass.


Patrick J Gillespie
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eldave1
Posted: June 25th, 2017, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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I actually like Bernard's stuff - at least the few pages I have read on other works. But I am simply not going to deal with the watermarks.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Don
Posted: March 15th, 2018, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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The watermark was removed for easy reading.

- Don


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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ColinS
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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An intriguing and emotional story of two friends journeys towards finding love in a rough suburbia. There's a lot to like, particular your passion and know how for 'hood' type films. A lot of visual story telling - which I like.

However though, this particular script did get bogged down by over writing. It's something I'm often guilty of. Harder to spot in our own work but can make it a tough read.
For example, where you've written -

----------------------------------------------------------------

Thomas is sitting on the sofa in a suit watching the
basketball game drinking a beer, sucking his teeth, turning
his head looking at the front door every few seconds.

Looking at his expression, you can tell he can't wait for
Latrice to walk through the door so he can say some hateful
words towards her.

Latrice comes in closing the door behind her, taking her
earbuds out ready to go upstairs.
Thomas turns looking at her, taking a sip from his beer.
                  
                             THOMAS
                    Where have you been?

-------------------------------------------------------------

You may want to cut that down to something like -

-------------------------------------------------------------

Thomas sits on his sofa in a suit, beer to hand - Ill-tempered eyes flicking between his basketball game and his front door.

Latrice enters that door, earbuds off, heads straight for the stairs.

                             THOMAS
                    Where have you been?
-------------------------------------------------------------

Not saying my version is perfect, but it is less words. I believe there is quite a lot of opportunity to strip your script down to make for an easier read. It's a good story - would be a shame if the readers get put off by too much description and words.
After all they do say 'writing is re-writing!'

Keep believing - Keep Writing!




"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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