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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Niger Delta Moderators: bert
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  Author    Niger Delta  (currently 4745 views)
Don
Posted: March 25th, 2018, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Niger Delta by Jordan Breen - Drama - In the corrupt turmoil of Nigeria, a fragile mother/aid worker uncovers a dangerous truth that holds the key to liberating its citizens. (Based on true events). 93 pages

contest: Finalist in 2010 Script Pipeline and All Access. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 1st, 2019, 10:26am
revised draft
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HyperMatt
Posted: March 26th, 2018, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting. Put in on my list of reads.


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JordanB
Posted: March 28th, 2018, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Matt,
Please let me know if I can read anything in return, mate.
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HyperMatt
Posted: March 28th, 2018, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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I've got a personal interest, as my family is originally from Lagos.


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JordanB
Posted: March 28th, 2018, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. Then I very much look forward to your feedback.

Thanks again.
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HyperMatt
Posted: March 28th, 2018, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting stories in that country. Did you ever see, or read the novel 'Half of a Yellow Sun?'


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HyperMatt
Posted: March 29th, 2018, 4:54am Report to Moderator
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I like how you have compacted the story into 94 pages. It indicates a tight story. That's the kind of length I aspire too.
The Gandhi quote should be under BLANK SCREEN?, but it does the job, I suppose you have left it for the film-maker's how would present it. I would just show it over the beginning scene.


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HyperMatt
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Up to page 6… And I like what I have read so far. You do great openings, and they involved children (actually only 2 that I have read, I am thinking of ‘Feed Her’).
Great Gandhi quote to get us in the mood, that this is going to be an intelligent piece. I can see why this was shortlisted
I think I have come to love the ‘we see’ description tool. It is very elaborately written, especially page 1, you are very confident in the story, you know exactly what you want, the sounds, the music, the mood, impressive. I can see a lot of arguments with you and the director on the scenes, unless you direct it yourself of course.
Pg. 1 what melody is the girl humming, or did you mean ‘a’ melody?
You do do great openings and they somehow always involve children.
A good set up as to why our protagonist is going to Nigeria. Eva’s character is well presented, especially with her daughter. Strong, sympathetic heroine (a young Meryl Streep).
You use ‘a beat’ a lot, quite a lot. It is not a tool that I like, but others love it, but used quite a lot in the first 5 pages.
I’m just up to Lagos airport, or Murtala Muhammed International Airport. Boy I’ve got terrible experiences in that place. (including taking my mother's body back for burial.
Very specific script as I said, I like the way you use classical music within the story, especially when Eva goes through her research.
You might consider also turning this into a novel. You seem to have a fertile imagination, and I am arrogant enough to think that it is easier writing a novel than a screenplay, but what do I know.
You’ve either had some experience with this world or done a tone of research. Didn’t expect that from an Aussie, which sounds really ignorant.
Nice, I’ll leave a comment when I’m done.

Matthew.


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JordanB
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Matthew.
I so very much appreciate your insight, especially as you have a connection with Lagos.
It was very interesting feedback so again, thank you. Looking forward to your final thoughts.
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HyperMatt
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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I'm up to the priest in the church finding the gun Eva rejected. Quite interesting so far.


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HyperMatt
Posted: April 7th, 2018, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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I thought I would be able to finish this by the weekend. I am only halfway. But I have to say that from what I have read so far, this is a highly accomplished work. I don't want to speed through it, but enjoy every moment. The characters are believable and really go through a baptism of fire. Standouts for me is corrupt coward Preston, and Governer Ajani, who reminds of a mad Roman Emperor.


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JordanB
Posted: April 9th, 2018, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Matt!
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Warren
Posted: April 11th, 2018, 12:40am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi Jordan,

This reads like a pro script. I haven’t read it all but will attempt to if I have the time. I read the beginning, parts in the middle and the end.

The writing is fantastic. Your dialogue is flawless.

I hope you are trying to put this under someone’s nose, maybe a few good writing comps.

Really solid stuff.


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HyperMatt
Posted: April 11th, 2018, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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You'll enjoy it Warren.
This is a learning script.


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Warren
Posted: April 11th, 2018, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from HyperMatt
You'll enjoy it Warren.
This is a learning script.


I don’t read features often, but this is definitely at the top of my list when the mood strikes.


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