Hey Ralph, I liked this initially, but it then ran into a couple of small issues:
- maybe lose the camera references
- third paragraph is very long, and maybe break that up a little
- George is of indeterminate age, maybe mid-30's; so mid-30's then.
- shouldn't a slatternly young waitress be a young slatternly waitress?
- is the 'romantic mood' bit meant to be tongue-in-cheek?
- the mini-slug MOVING isn't required as you then go to the full-slug
- once George meets Randy you seem to forget about locations and slugs altogether for a while? not sure what happens here, but need another look ... |