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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Mendacity Moderators: bert
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  Author    Mendacity  (currently 759 views)
Don
Posted: July 20th, 2018, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mendacity by Tasheka Smith - Drama, Thriller - A run away rape victim's past comes knocking at her front door and her unaware  husband answers. Now to keep her newly created family she has to return home and slay her demon, in doing so dead bones start to fall-out of the closet and shocking secrets are coming to light. 140 - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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HyperMatt
Posted: July 20th, 2018, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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I’d check the pdf you uploaded Tasheka. A lot of Ès


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Tasheka
Posted: July 24th, 2018, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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I don't follow... E's?
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eldave1
Posted: July 24th, 2018, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Tasheka: several issues just in the first 2/3rds pf the page.


Quoted Text
25 YEARS AGO


You need to do the above via a SUPER.  Can't just put it there. Something like:

INT. DANIEL’S ROOM - DAY

A 13 years old DANIEL JAY, African American, stands in
front of her full length mirror, admiring her floral church
dress.

SUPER: 25 YEARS AGO


Quoted Text
A 13 years old DANIEL JAY, African American, stands in
front of her full length mirror, admiring her floral church
dress.


Could be crisper. Don't need A to start, don't need "her" mirror (obviously it is)

DANIEL JAY (13), African-American, stands in
front of a full length mirror, admiring her floral church
dress.


Quoted Text
Daniel smiles at herself and twist and turn as if she was a
contestant in a pageant.


Again - not "herself" not needed. Twist should be twists and turn should be turns.


Quoted Text
DEBRA (O.S.)
Miss Daniel get away from that
mirror! It’s Sunday and Sunday is
church day!


Need a comma after Daniel


Quoted Text
MARKUS (O.S.)
Come down now Danny! We have to
go!


Need comma after now.


Quoted Text
DANIEL
Yes Mama I know it’s church time
and I’m coming down in a second
Dad.


Need a comma after Mama and one after second


Quoted Text
MARKUS (O.S.)
Danny we have to pick up UNCLE
CURTIS! Let’s get it moving


Need a comma after Danny. Don't cap Uncle Curtis.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: July 24th, 2018, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tasheka
I don't follow... E's?

I think Dave's using euphemisms to soften the fact some fixes are perhaps in order.
Errors/issues.
I too thought for a minute the script must have had vowel problems.  


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Tasheka
Posted: July 25th, 2018, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Eldave1 thanks so much for your input😊 I made the changes👌
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eldave1
Posted: July 25th, 2018, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tasheka
Eldave1 thanks so much for your input😊 I made the changes👌


You're welcome - best of luck with it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Tasheka
Posted: July 25th, 2018, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks a lot
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