7 Days in La Suerte by John Iannucci - Drama - When the bank in his small, adopted desert town is stolen (really, the entire building), a former NYPD detective finds himself reluctantly facing down a Mexican cartel, local drug lords, East Coast mobsters and, ultimately, his own demons that brought him there. 113 pages

Contests: 2017 Nicholls - Top 20%; Austin Table reads - finals - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

John: had a chance to read ten. Overall, much improved from what I read earlier - has a nice cadence. Just a couple of nitty issues.

I like the names Buddy and Butch - but man, they're close - running a chance here that folks get the characters confused. i.e., a BUDDY and a JAKE an easier contrast for the reader.

Quoted Text BUDDY JONES, late twenties, drives with BUTCH JONES, Early thirties, his brother. Butch is deep in thought and obviously upset.

Early - should be early.

Don't think you need to label him as the brother - pretty implied and if you get rid of it the sentence can read smoother (you won't need the Butch is). i.e.,

BUDDY JONES, late twenties, drives with BUTCH JONES, early
thirties, deep in thought and obviously upset.

Also, rather than telling is his mood - deep in thought- upset. Show us. Maybe -

BUDDY JONES, late twenties, drives with BUTCH JONES, early
thirties, jaw clenched tight as he stares out the window.

Don't think you need their entire names in the dialogue. i.e., rather than BUTCH JONES, I would just go with BUTCH.  Same with your other main characters.

Best of luck with this - hope you get some reads

Hi John,
First of all, congratulations on making the top 20% of the Nicholls! I hope it's the beginning of many great things for your career. I have the following feedback, I like to give it in a way that's similar to professional coverage. Please let me know if you have any comments or questions.

With its cast of characters from all walks of life, 7 Days in La Suerte has shades of the work of Martin McDonagh, The Coen Brothers and Guy Ritchie, even if it doesn’t quite achieve the degree of character richness their films have. There’s a good sense of humor that runs throughout the piece, although it often feels like it could be further explored. The writing style works very well, it’s very clean and concise. The dialogue is distinctive to the characters.

The structure works for the most part, but it feels like the first act could work better in order to give the reader more of an entry point for the characters, more for them to connect with. It’s clear that Sam is a fish out of water in this town, but he doesn’t really stand out as much of a character. The script seems to be more interested in the other characters instead of Sam and for large parts of the script, he’s left languishing in their wake. His backstory is interesting enough for this to not be the case, but the script seems to depend too much on making this his defining trait instead of clearly defining him by action early on so we can go along on this ride with him. Also, unfortunately, the villains, especially the criminals come across as stock characters and stereotypes. The great crime movies often give us a look beyond those stereotypes but here they all behave and talk like predictable gangsters.

The script often feels as if it’s going to detonate in strong conflicts and more explosive action, but it seems to stay away too much from pushing the characters and their conflicts to the limits. It often doesn’t feel like it takes full advantage of its settings to do so.

There’s potential to 7 Days in La Suerte; the premise is interesting, the settings and the situations lend themselves to good drama and humor, and the writer already has a strong ear for dialogue and a strong style. But more work could be done to push further the conflict and the characters for this to become a funnier and more enjoyable dramedy.

Thanks to both of you. Yeah, I got some professional coverage and am in a rewrite. Your points are well taken.

You're welcome, John! Good luck again!

Script was just rewritten and reposted

Script was rewritten with additional professional coverage. (Strongly consider” - 2nd to say that) it should now be in drama section