SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 20th, 2024, 7:38am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Rest Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Rest  (currently 676 views)
Don
Posted: October 25th, 2018, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16417
Posts Per Day
1.93
Rest by Laila Turner - Drama - A grieving socialite holds a killer captive hoping it brings closure in her daughter's unsolved murder. 97 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 25th, 2018, 10:21pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 29th, 2018, 11:41am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.88
Hello. I have just started reading, and will comment as I go.

Right, first off, there is a lot of stuff in here which is not filmable - EG "Her magisterial husband IRA (70) is sitting with her. He's aloof, his eyes are vacant. He's a former investment banker with progressive dementia."

He is sitting still, how do you film that he's an aloof former investment banker with dementia? You do it through actions and dialogue, you don't just tell us these things. - As I have gone on, I have found the script is littered with this kind of stuff - Remember, this is a screenplay, not a novel - it is our job to write visually

"Bailiff announces JUDGE PRAILLOW as she enters from chambers" - This is redundant as the next dialogue is the Bailiff introducing the judge, you don't need to tell us in the action - you also need to put these things in order, you have written that the judge enters before the bailiff starts talking, I believe this should be the other way around.

"INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE - COURTHOUSE - DAY" - This, I believe, is the wrong way around - you start with the big location (courthouse) then the small location within it (The office)

There are many spelling and grammatical mistakes that need sorting.

Character Mills begins talking without being introduced in an action block.

You use "- CONTINUOUS" but the scene goes from her curled in bed, to trimming plants in a conservatory

I got to page 9 and I'm out - The above errors make reading difficult, and the story is a bit slow for me, there is nothing driving me to carry on.

A thorough rewrite is needed to tidy up the action, get rid of the mistakes - that way the reader can focus on the story

Good luck


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006